All Of Our Children

I have had to learn the hardest lesson of them all this past week

As mentioned, often, we live on a lovely small holding with lots of space and friend called Joey. A couple of weeks ago I found the two little boys investigating each others penises, did not think too much about it as I would imagine it is part of growing up and they are similar in age, yes??

A week ago, just before we left for a weeks holiday, E comes running into the house, soaking wet and hysterical. When I asked him what happened he told me that Joey peed on him, so I investigated, spoke to the mom, the kid the psychologist and this is not normal. So we went on our little break.

The first day we get back, E runs to play with long lost Joey, and I watch them. Not long before they leave the scooters and disappear behind the house. So I checked up, only to find Joey kneeling in front of E with E's penis cupped in his hand. At this stage I can only let out a sigh

The end of the story is that we (the landlady and I) have organised for Joey to get councelling with his parents as he is just too young to come up with these things all by himself.

For me, the anger, sadness and dissappointment will linger for long, my baby has been violated by friend not much older than him (too young even to be molestation by definition). We have to move, E cannot play with Joey again, ever.

innocense on an alter
a child saved
I hope
A mother's tears
a reaching hand
we have to share
not condemn

Liquirice Allsorts

Who would have known how interesting and engaging a dating site could be? I have of late met a shy cabinet minister, an outgoing guy who travelled with Kingsley Holgate, a well to do pilot and entrepeneur, and a bullshitter baffles brains smooth talker.

It is amazing - the sociologist in me is totally entrigued. If I can only figure out how to interact with integrity with everyone. Thing is, I would love to meet all of them and talk to them, get to know them and understand what makes them tick. But I really do not want relationships and I am not gonna repeat the hot romance thing either. It is just emotionally too much for me at this stage ;-)

I am just looking at the bed

Today we had a huge altercation in the house. E was screaming and whining for milk and juice and attention so I told him that if he does not stop his screaming and start asking nicely he will go to his room for time out. His response was to look me straight in the eye and spit. Well, needless to say he was send to his room, where he refused to sit on his chair, continued to scream at me and when I left him in the room and closed the door he started banging on it, then opened the door to bang it behind him. I repeatedly took him back, telling him that if he wants me to listen to him he will have to sit on his chair first and apologise for his bad attitude, after the second time, I send his friend home.

This went on for what felt like forever, until I drew the curtains, switched the lights off, locked the door and left him in there until he stopped screaming and started calling for me. At which stage I was talking to him standing on a chair looking through the little window thing at the top of the door (Through which I would have to crawl to unlock the door as it is locked from the inside ;-))

A truce was reached an hour and a half later, when he agreed to sit on his chair and apologise for his bad attitude. So I crawled through the hole, precariously balancing on the door handle to wriggle my body through this tiny space, hang down the other side, feet in the air, unlock and open the door without landing on my head ;-). E went to sit on his chair, but turns his body away from me, when I asked him what he is doing, he flutters his eyelids and tells me 'I am just looking at my bed, first and then I will say sorry'

So I had a loud coughing fit of laughter with a very concerned little boy patting me on my back and telling me that 'that is enough coughing now, mommy, look at me' to which I doubled up in another serious fit. When I regained my composure I asked him if he wanted to say something to me. He gave me his most beguiling smile, flashed his eyelids, crawled onto my lap and curled up against me and whispered ' I am sorry mommy I screamed at you, and I am sorry I spit at you, I will not do it again...now please can I have my milk and go soek Joey?'

My head is broken

We live on a small holding with lots of space, trees, outdoor playsets and best of all a friend called Joey. Needless to say, I do not see much of my little man over the weekends as all he wants to do is 'soek Joey, mommy'

As I was trying to catch up on my inbox the other day, I heard E crying in a way that I could tell he was really sore. When I got to him and asked what was wrong he told me that his 'head was broken' and on closer inspection, I noticed a nice golf ball sized ouwie just above his eyebrow. Apparantly they were trying to wheelie their scooters in the driveway and E overbalanced.....Maybe I should really invest in serious protective gear for this kid!

Posting for Posterity

for better or worse, some things has to be said

In one of the painfull discussions Phil and I had after the affair three years ago, he told me that the affair was all my fault, because he said, I do not like sex. Now, that was the first I every heard of that, and I have for a long time tried to understand that, and make up for it in some way as I kinda thought I did like sex one, and two, that I was not too bad in bed. See I have very few inhibitions and am not shy about my body at all. But when all was said and done I was left feeling like an unattractive, unsexy woman that had absolutely nothing going in that department.

So fast foward to the dating site, the mocambique dinner (where the date thought I was steaming hot and he confused me no end) , and life after that. I meet this really nice guy, also through the site and I think to myself that I have to approach this differently, as I would just hate to have to make another phonecall and apologise again.......lol, that is a story for another day as I simply am too embaressed to talk about it.

So I told him from the first word we exhange that I really am looking for a friend, somebody to hang out with, have fun with, no strings or commitments and I am going to do the same with other nice boys as well. And I would like for him to have the same approach. Well for some reason, blow me over I am not sure why, this is guy is absolutely smitten with me. Now this makes things really difficult as I feel responsible and I would hate to disappoint and the list is endless. Anyway I agree for us to go out to dinner and dancing, as this was the whole point of meeting. It is all fun and he is a gentleman of note and I love every second. A couple of dates later, this week past I am still recovering from my BLUE MONDAY and he wants to see me, so I say, why dont you bring wine and we cook some dinner and just relax at my place - e is sleeping with dad, so an evening of easy conversation with a mature guy would be fun and I did not feel like dressing up in anycase. I did not have to see any clients all day so was in jeans and sneakers with my hair in a pony tail, thinking that could not possibly be attractive to anybody.

Well we cooked dinner together, had some good wine, ate, chatted and I got up to make some coffee and call it a night. He comes with me, kisses my neck talks to me, I cry, back off tell him that I am not sure about this, he gathers me up in his arms and talks to me about trauma, dissapointment, heart ache and whatever else. As I said, the poor man is smitten, the end of the story is a very hot long night of passion...it was amazing. It confirmed what I suspected all along, that I am not an ice queen, that I do actually enjoy intimacy, that my body can be celebrated if it is done so with respect and honesty.

Only problem is, I really am not ready for a relationship and this poor man would marry me tomorrow........