Writers block

I always find it difficult to write if I am in the middle of too much emotional turmoil. I cannot talk to people and I cannot write about it. It is as if I am too scared to look inside of me. So let us just look at the ordinary things for the moment.

E and me went to the coast this past week. It was a good drive down, the weather was absolutely beautiful and my little boy LOVED the water. Good for him, as I am a total fish and as soon as he is old enough we are going diving!! The short flight back was very exciting even if we had bad weather for the whole duration of the flight.

Tomorrow there will be another CONVERSATION. I do not understand why it has to be tomorrow and not today. He wants to tell me want he has decided about the future. Quite honestly, I don't know what I want to hear. On the one side I find it difficult to believe that my life with him is over, that we are getting a divorce, that there are no hope for us creating a future together. On the other side, I do not even feel like I know this man that wears his face. I do not imagine that I could ever trust him again, far less put my heart back in his hands. I have played the two scenarios over and over in my head and I do not know what to think anymore. I do know that if I had to be an outsider to this situation and it was a dear friend of mine that asked for advice, I would tell them to walk away and never look back. So why then have I a kernel of hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me? Why am I not so angry at him for what he has done that I never want to see his face again? Have I no steel in my bones or do I just not give up easily????

Rage

I have gone from denial and mourning to Rage - viscous, violent, angry emotions are storming inside of me. I have but to think about the previous 20 months and the volcano stirs to life. I have given so much, I have trusted implicitly and I asked for nothing in return. Well I got more than I ever bargained for - the words deceitfull, honourless, asshole reverberates through my mind. Shanie has been ridden in tight circles and figures of eight, bending, flexing and sweating it out with me on his back. Circles going round and round with my angry thoughts. Even typing this turns my mouth into a bitter smile.

Inspite of the anger in me I have been told today that I look radiant??!!!! And the person wanted to know what is going on with me that I look so glowingly happy....mmmm....I left my deceitfull, faithless asshole of a husband!!! At least now I can mourn the death of something dear. Looking and hoping to find that which would never be was certainly driving me over the edge.

Then I am told by one of our mutual friends that p is going through a difficult time and that people are not made for this type of shit. Yeah, right I want to SCREAM back at him, who's decision was this?? Who betrayed who here??? He deserves every bit of miserable emotion he is feeling and more. Even though I am sore, at least I have been let out of jail.

No shit!!

There are two puppies still left from Nikita's litter and housetraining them has been an ordeal. Now, when E sees doggie shit anywhere on the yard, he runs to get toiletpaper and calls me excitedly over to clean up the mess. Now, I agree that it needs cleaning, but my dogs are big and and 4 square inch of toiletpaper will not do the trick.

With our newly cleared and clean yard, the property looks a lot bigger and all of a sudden E is not afraid to play all by himself in the garden anymore.

It was daddy's day yesterday - he came over to feed, bath and tuck e in. It really upset me, not that I miss what we had the last two years - I really really miss our fictional future. Looking back, I have no recent memories or foundation to base this happy future family on, but it seems that I really had a very strong idea in my head about something that was never real. Maybe it is my happy childhood memories I have projected into the future of my child and it has nothing to do with my current experiences.

Clearing out the jungle

My backyard looks like the perfect setting for a thriller murder movie. Overgrown lawns, weedchoked beddings and ivy trailing nearly to the ground. When I moved in (notice the absence of 'we') it was all barren. This was only about 13 weeks ago. But the seasonal rains started and the seeds of all kinds of 'evil' bloomed and blossomed.

This morning I hired 'The exterminator' who wanted to charge me 600 buckaroos to clean us up - It is more like cleaning me out. No sorry sir, I said to erstwile entrepeneur, can not do that. So we settled on R400 and monthly maintenance of R80 per week. Taken that I am not fulltime employed and neither do I know where my next cent will come from - this might be rather brave. At least I will not feel embarresment crawl up my cheecks everytime my business partners from the manicured lawn suburb comes along to fetch or deliver something.

the party

So we went to the 21st today, and I must say it was real fun. I felt part of something bigger than just our little family, connected to a wider web of genes and history. I did not notice anyone treating me differently. Phil came near the end of it. His lack of contact was brushed of as the result of him locking himself in his room for two days, not noticing the time. Ja well fine, how about that. Not one thought to be spared to a little boy that looks twice at every man walking past, runs around the house calling daddy daddy daddy and generally has a haunted look in his eyes when phil does not pitch for two days in a row. How can a grown man be so self-centered??

My own betrayed me, as my heart leaped when I saw Phil coming down the stairs. Ugh how goes that song 'unchain my heart' suppose I can answer with 'I am strong enough to live without you'

But in short, the day was good, phil's mom and dad was very glad to see us. They bought e a carload of presents but he did not even want to sit with them or be held by them. I can't help it, they have not seen him for a year.

It did not last long

I was wondering about phil and his new found urge to see E. Well, it is something of the past it seems. No calls, no contact, no arrangements to see his little boy this weekend. When I called his phone late afternoon yesterday, I got a sms. In conference call to America, will phone you later. Well, we are still waiting. Maybe it is a helluva long call - about 18 hours to be precise.

Tomorrow it is phil's youngest brother's 21. He phoned me last night to ask if I will come. Off course I will, I said - he is as much my little bro as anybody elses. The whole family will be there (not sure if Phil will) so it might be an interesting experience.

Last day of school

I have just fetched E from his last day at school. This time of year is always heavy with endings and full of the promise of the future.

Something I have had to let go of all this week - the future. Those dreams of a happy family going on happy family outings and spending happy, safe, family time together. At least I know that I have to let go, even though, it is no easy task.