Head Space

Owning a little property like the one just bought has been a dream of mine for a very long time. But before that, it was a dream shared. Shared in a previous unity, a forgotten future. Now that I have infected John with my dream and we are on the cusp of changing lifestyles and building a future, I find myself sad and slightly forlorn.

I dont want the past back, no
I want the future as it is dreamt
I just feel
bereaved

On tenderness

Can I say that our holiday gave us a wonderful break from the reality of every day life? Spending time in this paradise can be nothing short of idilic, don't you think?

Our bathroom

and at candlelight

Where you can laze in the privacy of your own private patio, listening to birdsong and river sounds

And get so close to the wildlife that you can almost reach out and touch the animals.

We had to search long and hard to find this male lion as the reserve is 26,000 hectares in size and they are free to roam at will.

But after a six hour drive we arrived exhausted, irritable and sick (John) so after a rather unpleasant and emotional afternoon and early night, we returned home the next day. Fortunately for our relationship, we were stuck in the same car for the journey home. Forcing us to haltingly talk about the real issues at hand.

Like my seemingly lack of tenderness and extreme difficulty I have to feel and show love towards John. My immediate emotional withdrawal at the first sign of either conflict or emotional need. Two extreme emotions that are part of the same coin, I believe. John's passive aggressive response to me whenever I say or do something he does not like. The need we both have to be emotionally close to each other, but the difficulty we experience in maintaining that closeness in any stressfull situation.

But we want to be together....he is such an emotionally intuitive man that are prepared to talk about his emotions, comment on mine and put himself on the line for a future where our relationship needs are met. So we have decided to go for some councelling, together as a couple, but also as individuals.

Loosing an internet friend

I recently lost a very dear internet friend to cancer and I keep checking her blog obsessively on a daily basis. Each time hoping and thinking that the last entry will be different. That she will still be around, sharing her life and her family with me. But she is not.

I do not even want to consider what her family must be going through to try and deal with and accept the loss of her. We miss you, Cari

Mmm what's up?

After running around in mental circles for near to a month, everything inside me has calmed down. I am not sure why or what happened, but inner peace have returned to my life. What a relieve.

Could it be the three days I have spend riding this week? Could it possibly be that simple?

Or was it the two hours I spend talking to Thersia with Adin sleeping on my chest? Maybe the hour I spend today with Phil at Internal Affairs trying to get our divorce registered on the system so he can register his new baby in his name? In my entire life I have never seen a more confused official. She just could not get that I am the ex-wife and that I am there to help Phil register his baby by another woman ;-p Is kindness and goodwill really that rare?

Whatever the cause, I would like to bottle this feeling and keep it in a cupboard somewhere for future usage.

Ok I will admit it

The pending birth of the new baby is really messing with my emotions
I keep thinking
Why could we not have this?
How is what he has now, so much better than what we had as a couple?

I know the answer to that is probably
that it is not better at all
but that I am better of with what I have now
as I am not an emotionally isolated wife
waiting for her husband to come home

but still
this is hurting me

Psychotic psychedelic

A distorted reality
Of dreams
Fears
Memories
And future...fantasy?

Where does the reality begin
And the past end?
How to make sense
In a world of no(n)-sense*?

*Sense
An ability
To feel
Or not?

A crazy scary day

This day started with a phonecall at 6:00 am

My kid only got to school at 9:30 and on the way there he wanted to know what was wrong with me so I told him my tummy is very scared because I am nervous about some stuff. He promptly got hold of the cd wallet and fished out some classical music for the trip 'cause it will relax my tummy and then I do not have to think about the scary stuff anymore ;-)

It worked.

He told me that just sometimes his tummy also get scared when he has to sit on the green chair at school. But you know what mom, I have a machine tummy that eats food and makes pooh all of the time.

I feel like curling up

and crying my heart out.

Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê

This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me

Knotted up

I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.

Faith Hope and Love

But the greatest of these is Love

I am heartsore as another family is standing on the brink of loosing a wife and mother to cancer.
I do not understand
He loves her so
and still he watches and waits for her to go
knowing that they will not share a tomorrow
Who can ever phantom such sorrow?

It makes me feel disconnected
a little dissected
Not ready to care enough
but so wanting to call this bluff

Soaked in life

Today as I was riding Shilogh I got caught in a thunderstorm with lots of rain and hail. It was wonderfull, I have not felt so alive in a long time

The smell of wet grass
On a hot baked earth
Horse breath steaming in the stables
Clothes clinging to my body
squelching shoes in muddy grass
Cold drops of rain running down my face
as i stretched my sore legs into a run

We are praying for you Cari, you are teaching me the value of my life, and I am praying that you will heal and live to see those beautiful children of yours grow into the adults you dream them to be.

The epitome of boredom

Is trying to find 150 creative ways to tell the same client that all their clients think their services really suck.....and no, this is not a ten page document. Imagine doing this for at least 400 pages and and at least the same number of graphs.

I hate this job, I hate this client
I am so glad that this will be last year
I am going to have to do this
It has been a loooong three years, let me tell you ;-p

Mixed feelings

Phil forgot about Elrich's athletics day at school today. Since E slept at his dad's house last night, he did not make it to athletics either. I am furious at Phil. I think that it was inexcusable and in future E will stay at my place the night before a big school day. But that is not all....

Work pressure and the build up to the family athletics day left me emotionally wrung out last night. So I told John that I was no good for any company and miserable. He told me that it is fine and no sulking from his side, he will see me the next day in time for the school sports day. I believed him that it was ok for me to crawl in my little cave and just sulk in silence. How wrong could I be?

This is our sms conversation today:

Maritha (as I woke up) Hello, I am more of a mess now that I was last night. I think it is because of the family thing today, I am a bit slow putting stuff together and understanding my own emotions. If u wake early and u want to come help me make shaker thingies that would be nice

John: Hi, I just woke up, my head is a mess. I wont b joining u this morning. I hope e and his team do well

Maritha: Ok, that is fine I will not sulk either ;-p

Maritha: But just to confuse you even more, at the start of this week I really really looked forward to having u around helping me to make the shakers, going to athletics together and being a little family. By Friday though I was over tired and an emotional mess and all I wanted to do was run into a cave and hide, so please do not see my emotions as a reflection on u. It is not it is just my mess I have to try and sort out or manager or whatever xxxx

John:Maybe you dont want us 2 b a lil family. Enjoy your athletics day.

Maritha: Now that was really insensitive and unnecessary

John: Neither was this ....lol I am sorry I am in no state to be nice and sensitive, I am tired and miserable and I am watching tv and drinking savannah. I understand it would be far nicer if I was excited and full of life but alas, what can I say (the message I send him last night saying why I did not feel like company)

Maritha: Yes, I know but it was not aimed at u, I was'nt miserable because of u. That is why I am scared when u say I make u happy because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to keep u happy. U need to be happy despite of me and the state I am in. Johnny I cannot have you fall down when I am a mess, I care about u but I am still a mess.

John: U took something that I was really looking forward to and fucked it up quick quick last night. I’m sorry Phil fucked u around but I am not Phil. Treat me like I am Phil, u will turn around and I will b gone. That seems to me that is what u want!

Maritha: John, if I thought you were Phil, I would not be around and u fucked it up for yourself. Last night I really thought that u were just letting me be, I did not realize that we were going to have an all fall down today. I honestly woke up this morning looking forward to spending the day with u. But I am a bit naïve that way.

John: well if that is how u c it, I fucked it up 4 myself then….

By that time I have had enough of this silly sms’ing. I was sitting at E’s school wondering where the heck his father is. Is it just me or is John emotionally more insecure than me? I just don’t follow his train of thought at all and it does not make sense to me in the bigger picture. I have not spoken to him since and quite frankly don’t see myself speaking to him anytime soon. Anyway – I just had to get it out of my system.

It is just in the Semantics

So I have nearly had a nervous breakdown about this 'falling in love' thing I so flippantly posted about last week.

What is love? What does it mean 'to love somebody?' See in my world that meant loneliness, sacrifice, rejection, isolation and fear. So this 'longing' for another human being in my life nearly send me straight to the funny farm.

I asked John and his answer calmed me down.....and does make sense to me. According to the philosophy of John the Cretan ....it is just about two people meeting each other's needs. Yes, in order to do that there is commitment and where there is commitment there is compromise. And (funny that) there should be desire to spend time together, trust, shared interests and so on. It does not mean unconditional sacrifice, that type of love is reserved for the parenting of small children. It does not mean that you have to deny the hurt and emotions you are feeling right now, to focus on a fantasy future.

So maybe then, even if I do not have any long term plans or dreams for an 'us' I am in love with this funny little greek man that can be such a serious clown ;-)

On Tuesday night

When John rocked up at my house, exactly on the expected time, concerned for my safety and laden with gifts, I think I fell in love

That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.

What to say about August

August was a really hard month for me. Even though my trip to Crete was mostly enjoyable it brought up so many emotions in me that I could hardly cope with half of it. The only way that I have figured to deal with overwhelming emotions is to hide them really well. But for better or for worse - it all boiled over within the first two weeks that I came home. I don’t think it helped that a very good friend of mine lost her dad suddenly and then 10 days later gave birth to her first child, a little boy - and named after her father.

All those questions about love, life and family. Personal sacrifice and individual dreams. What do I really want from life? How do I really want to live and build into my future? I go from wanting to be a hermit in an isolated little life, just caring for E, working and traveling as I wish - to wanting a big family with lots more children around me and a husband that cares about the bunch of us. Dreaming and working together to build a combined future…..safely hiding away and taking care of just me and my child. Am I any closer to an answer – NO

But I have decided that I am so fortunate, I live a simple life right now. I have very little to worry about. Everything I have always wanted, I have right here, even if the package it came in looked very different from the one I always imagined. So I will enjoy the simplicity life has to offer me now. I will not want for other things. When the time is ripe, new doors and the right opportunities will guide me.

A revelation

My feelings of loss, disappointment, anger and denial at the failure of our marriage does not really change that much. It is my ability to cope with these feelings that fluctuates. The two things that directly affects my emotional well being is the level of stress I am under, work stress and personal stress and the frequency as well as intensity of contact with Phil.

So in a perfect world, I really should retire in Crete ;-) John is convinced I am not going to want to come back.....

Can I move on now?

Please, I am so tired of this rollercoaster
Up and down
Up and down
Yesterday was a very down
Today, at least I have the vision to
do the dishes
take puppies to school
and spend time with John for Fathersday

Maybe tomorrow's charity visit to the impoverished white community living in tents just down the road from me will be a good reality check. A good reminder of how fortunate I really am. How safe and secure and blessed. A warm home, a healthy child, parents that love me. A good job that I enjoy, a man that cares about my wellbeing, the list really is long......

Oh dear :-(

Today I totally lost my cool with Elrich, he just would not stop farting on my leg and cackling like a lunatic. I screamed at him, shook him and told him that he can be an irritating brat if he wants to. And this was all happening during our supposedly mommie and Elrich time. Trying to work on our letters....I should have just stopped the exercise as he was just all over the place in anycase.

And then I went to pick Phil up to go to the Police station to get them to stamp the letter with his signature giving me permission to take E out of the country, a requirement for our visa applications. And I wished again so badly that this was all different. That the quiet cameradery I still felt between us was because we were really still together. The comfortable conversation we shared, the way he held his kid tightly against his chest.

Tonight I will go to dinner with John, and he will hug me tightly against him and I will hug him back.

Maybe just maybe

I am moving on a little bit ;-p
After another week of feeling sore and forelorn and wishing everything was different
I woke up today with a song in my heart
and a glint in my eye
a desire to live and love and be loved

I believe this is kind of a cycle I will probably go through for a while yet to come but I am so fortunate because I have been granted a close friend with big arms and a generous heart to help me through all of this.