Fresh new faces

They are gathered all around me, these new, young, would-be sociologists. We are discussing my course material, stuff I have lovingly pondered over for close to a week now. With eyes big the one asks 'do we have to read every single one of these references?'

I can only stare back and nod affirmative 'Ya, you do' Thinking, why would I spend hours researching the stuff if I did not expect anybody to read it.

Now, I know chances are that only 2 hard working little souls in the class of 13 will even come close to doing the proper preparation. But still, do they have to be so obvious about it? A pretty little blonde quirps ' so what about my social life then' I had to ruin it for her by telling her that she is now grown-up and a social life is something mostly left to the odd weekend.

My life must be perfect

I have everything I could ever want for. The omens for my career, family and horse all show that we are on a spiral to success.

In my career, I am standing right at the beginning of the most amazing opportunities that will open doors for me and let me do what I really want to be doing. I work from home, my time is my own but it is mixed with just enough excitement and stress to let me jump out of bed in the morning. Our current research project is a bit of a downer but just around the next corner there are the mind bogling opportunity to orchestrate the development of a whole rural community from scratch - now I dont know about others but to me that is like a dream come true!! Now if we can only get started on that tomorrow it would great! I am teaching again as well - 4th year students at the local varsity, but this year I have had the opportunity to change and update the course material. I think it will be a little less depressing now.

Family is looking good - we are still working on the stuff but at least we are working together and trying to unravel the different knots of emotions. The trick with relationships I think is to not take others for granted and to really communicate openly in stead of not wanting to see the trouble you know are brewing. E is really in his element now that dad is home so much and we get to spend a lot of family time together.

And Shanie, my bobba..what can I say - we have started to get into a proper workout routine again and I have organised to have one show jumping lesson a week. That will get us two back into shape in no time and make for a mother that has enough adrenaline in her bloodstream to safe the braincells from atrophy.

If only I can get my head and heart in line, the field will be ours

Blood and lots of it

Said friend cut the veins on his left arm. He tried to do a good job of it and sliced through the tendons as well. Then he could not hold the knife to cut the right arm and he did not bleed to death as another friend found him before that. I would not be surprised if he phoned that friend to tell him goodbye first. I think one of the strongest instincts of any human is survival. He will now carry a good scar on his left arm for the rest of his life - however long that might be.

Maybe we can get him to view that scar not as a sign of his failure to die, but his success in surviving life.

Life Death and Everything in between

A good friend of ours recently got divorced (note: the we and ours creaping back in) and somehow realised that the let the love, laughter and jewel of his life get away because he was so damn egoistic. This is the same friend p stayed with when we were seperated. He seems to have lost all will and desire to continue his life on this earth and since Friday he has been threatening with suicide. P just got a phonecall from one of the other friends to meet them at the closest hospital - no further details.

He is an adult male in his 30ties, how does one tell him that there still is something to live for if he believes that he has lost everything that truly mattered to him? Maybe he did loose it all. Funny thing is - I did some work for him just after the divorce and he told me that he has had enough of his wife's nonsense and that he cannot concentrate on making the type of money he should be earning. Now that the divorce is done and finished, maybe he can focus on that which really matters. Well, currently he is in an amazing financial position with all the opportunities a youngster could ask for but it has all lost its shine without her.

Now I can only wait and see if he will be ok - whatever that might mean. What if he does survive but all he still wants to do is die? How does one find meaning in life when there is none to see?

Feeling like Freud

So, we are sitting on the couch, the coucellor has a poker face. Our first session has just about started - just about, since the prelude was the perfect stage setter.

Rewind, as we enter we are given a form to complete - I read it first and then start filling it in. P just starts at the top and works his way down, halfway he wants to know if I need a pen. No, I said. I am just reading through the whole form before I fill anything in. So he starts to read the three quarter page point by point explanation about why this councellor is a councellor and not a psychologist. He only gets to the first line before the toys are thrown out of the cot, I ask said councellor for a short private moment with him. Now before hand we agreed that we will go to this girl and if we do not like her we will not go back. Here he does not want to complete the form and wants to go home - what is with this shit I ask you!!!!!! So i tell him his response is imature - heheheh, he runs out the door, and leaves me in the office. So I complete the form, go down, talk to him - he agrees to come back and complete first session as agreed to before hand.

Ok, so back to the couch....I admire councellor as she manages to stay focused on therapy whilst she must wonder how we ever made it together for this long. I don't know myself quite frankly??? Maybe because we never confronted any issues in the past - maybe I just lived in some fictionaly fairytale of my own.

At the end of the session she says that we do not have to come back and gives us numbers for psychologists. She does tell us however about a programme she has had some success with takes a 12 week period to work through different issues and excerises. The only rule is that once you start you have to commit for the full 12 weeks and not divorce/or kill your spouse before the programme is over. We both kinda agreed that it will be a good idea to work through a structured programme like that.

Funny thing is - when this whole lot started, he wanted time out and I wanted a three month intense workout period to see if the marriage is what we really wanted. So he got his 8 week timeout and I am gonna get my 12 week intense work through.

What is in a name??

I have been wondering over this for a while now as I obviously will have to rename my blog. I just dont seem to come up with anything, normally things like that just come to me - I obviously need to figure out what I want my blog to be doing mmmmmm

Sex, Lies and Videotape

Was the name of the video p took out as prelude to some interesting sex - he clearly did not think as it led to a totally stressed out wife. Now the divide is huge as the silence does not seem to break. Fortunately our first councelling session is this Friday morning at 8:00 sharp.

Going back to school

If there was anyone out there wondering what the fuck happened after the conversation - I do apologize. A mix of life and emotions kept me far from my keyboard.

The conversation was had and it was a really short one at that. The outcome was that we have decided to work on the relationship rather than keep some divorce lawyer in business. If I have to be blatantly wretchedly nasty honest - I have to admit that I am not sure how I feel about starting all over again. Which is why this is back to school for me. I have a distinct feeling that we will not be able to pick our relationship up from where we left it. Here I am referring to nearly two years ago, shortly post partum and all those beautiful things.

The following was decided - and it irks me that it is was all my suggestions and that P just agreed to it.
1. We will go see a marriage councilor, I came up with a name and a number and have been trying to set an appointment for this coming week.
2. We have a house meeting every second week in which we objectively discuss stuff - anything is open for discussion. Another of my ideas - can you see where this is going?? Even in the discussion (we have had one) I am doing most of the talking. We have however ended with a list of what each had to do for the next two weeks - mainly sorting stuff like wills, finances and admin. The next meeting he will have to chair though.
3. Weekly sessions where we just talk about the week past - the good and the not so good stuff.
4. We each get two weeks in which to organise special family time - one week with all three of us, the next we organise a baby sitter and it is just the two of us, just making sure we spend time together and build a relationship in stead of just existing. This last week was the first of those and I organised for the three of us to go to the zoo - it was a really pleasant trip and e fell asleep about half way through but us adults still had fun.
5. when my parents come up for their business meetings every quarter they will look after e one night so we can have a sleep out time spend together.

I think our biggest thing after the birth of little one was never spending alone time together - so we will try and rectify that and with time and counseling we might be able to build a strong future for us together instead of just living in a madhouse ratrace of big city career lives.....Or so I hope.