Balmy Days

The weather has turned and the days are lovely. All I want to do every weekend is have a picnic somewhere next to water and trailing willow trees.

Recently, I cannot help but make comparisons between my life now to what I experienced this time last year.

In 2005: E just started school in August, and I started working for TEBA, doing their SLP's. We had to move during August as Kia (our dog) misbehaved and got us thrown out of the previous place, which was a lovely big farm house. I was a single mom mostly as P spend all his time 'working late', whilst fucking his business partner. I now refer to the debt he occured during this time as his 'fucking debt', scuze the pun. (I cleary still have anger issues here as I can just feel my heart rate increasing, pushing up my blood pressure and setting my mouth in a grim line). In another entry I wrote the beginning of August I was clearly playing with the idea of leaving p, but wanted to wait a month or two to sort myself out financially and just get into a better frame of mind. Little did I know then that he bubble would burst the first weekend in November - mainly because I started to put more and more pressure on p.

In 2006: Still busy with SLP's but for another company with totally other mining houses. I also have another client which is not related to mining at all and might be my entry into growing my little business a bit. E is doing well in his school and I do not feel guilty dropping him there at all. In contrast - I feel like an ogre for fetching him in the afternoons as we have a tantrum nine times out of ten because he wants to continue playing with his friends! My personal finances have made a total turn for the better and I can with confidence say I am independant financially, nothing as liberating as knowing that you are not in 'jail' anymore. This has restored balance in my relationship with p. I have to admit, the road to a secure and happy family has been emotionally really rocky for me and I am hesitant to announce that we have arrived. But I do believe we are making progress. As a very good friend of mine used to say - as long as your lows are higher than your previous lows, you are making progress.

We have started to talk about buying a house together, now for me, that is a huge commitment and one that would indicate a serious emotional 'deposit' from me. So on some days I look at the property market and others I just nose around to see what a rented cottage will cost me. I am finding it extremely difficult to throw myself 100% into this relationship, if all I really want to do is hold back in fear of getting hurt. Even though I realise that by holding back I am increasing the likelyhood of having this whole thing steer on the rocks.

In search of condoms

P said to me on Sunday - remember to buy condoms and razor blades...whatttt??? What do you want to do with that combination? Turns out he did not have anything sinister in mind, just two separate items on his shopping list...anyway it still is our current choice of birth control, even after the lost at sea scenario ;-). So, today I tried to track down our preferred brand and I could not find any condoms at the local chain store, at least not at their usual place right next to the razor blades.

Decided to drop into the rather large chemist around the corner, where you can usually buy anything from prescription drugs to expensive, imported make-up, as well as ginseng from somewhere in rural China. No condoms, not even those funny looking ones with the vibrator at the bottom. Me wondering whether there has been some severe shortage of latex (maybe related to the oil crises or the violence in Lebanon??) one never knows…Until I remembered to look for tampons as well.

Only to discover that condoms have been relocated, instead of keeping company with the masculine products of razors, blades and cologne, it now graces the shelves next to the tampons, hair remover and deodorant. Does this say somewhat about the feminine revolution of determining sexual habits in our culture, or is it just a clever marketing stunt? I do wonder how many males will find these little rubber friends without asking for directions.

New abilities

Today as we stopped at E's school and started our 'getting out routine' I noticed something very wrong.

E was not buckled into his carseat anymore

Instead he was standing on the seat with this silly, self important grin on his face

Asking him how on earth he managed that, he replied in this very thrilled confident little voice that he 'pushed with his fingers, out'

Uhhu I see that - staring back at him in horror.

So what on earth am I gonna do now? take two hours to drive five km to buckle my toddler back down every two seconds??

Snippets

It is SNOWING IN GAUTENG!! The last ime this happened was twenty years ago. We went from 22C yesterday to ice cold snow today!!

Our bedtime routine with E at night includes quiet play, stories and then a snuggle under the blankets. The snuggle bit with E is my bestest best - recently he has started to cup my face in both his hands, put his forehead against mine and then fall asleep. I must admit, I am addicted to it

I worked more than 200 hours over the last three weeks, yuck!! We got a new client yesterday and I am project consultant. A bit of an up in the responsibilities - so that is nice. Have to outsource some of my other work now though. Starting to think about expanding the business.

I went to a bookshop and bought a copy of my book today!! I have NEVER felt as smug as I did when I paid for it at the counter. Who would have thought that I would need to do that to really feel good about my accomplishment! I think it really sunk home today. So La-la land - your book is bought!!! Thank you for the patience ;-)

I bought myself a beautiful, tailored, pig skin leather jacket today!