So I have nearly had a nervous breakdown about this 'falling in love' thing I so flippantly posted about last week.
What is love? What does it mean 'to love somebody?' See in my world that meant loneliness, sacrifice, rejection, isolation and fear. So this 'longing' for another human being in my life nearly send me straight to the funny farm.
I asked John and his answer calmed me down.....and does make sense to me. According to the philosophy of John the Cretan ....it is just about two people meeting each other's needs. Yes, in order to do that there is commitment and where there is commitment there is compromise. And (funny that) there should be desire to spend time together, trust, shared interests and so on. It does not mean unconditional sacrifice, that type of love is reserved for the parenting of small children. It does not mean that you have to deny the hurt and emotions you are feeling right now, to focus on a fantasy future.
So maybe then, even if I do not have any long term plans or dreams for an 'us' I am in love with this funny little greek man that can be such a serious clown ;-)
Monday, September 29, 2008
Take two
So the ab contest is still going strong
On Monday I was travesing the rural roads of this here land and by the time I got home my lower back and kidneys had enough already.
Wednesday i was not going to miss and I googled abs - copied and pasted a list of do able exercises and decided to stick to them as I am sure that I remember something around repetition being a good thing.
My tools of torture were:
Reverse crunches
Bicycle Crunch
Vertical Leg crunches
Bridges
Half Curls
I did them on Wednesday morning as I got out the bath...it is quite the experience doing ab exercises when you are butt naked. No, I will not go into details but just remember I have been with child a couple of years ago.
The only reason why I did my exercises on Friday was because of the competition and I was not going to loose another day. I felt sick, I was so darn tired as I just did not sleep for two nights in a row and life had my intestines in a gut wrenching knot.
By Saturday this was all old news.....the only very sad thing is that I did not get round to Shilogh this week - Only on Thursday for a very short, very disorientated little ride that nearly landed me on my head. I can only dream and hope
On Monday I was travesing the rural roads of this here land and by the time I got home my lower back and kidneys had enough already.
Wednesday i was not going to miss and I googled abs - copied and pasted a list of do able exercises and decided to stick to them as I am sure that I remember something around repetition being a good thing.
My tools of torture were:
Reverse crunches
Bicycle Crunch
Vertical Leg crunches
Bridges
Half Curls
I did them on Wednesday morning as I got out the bath...it is quite the experience doing ab exercises when you are butt naked. No, I will not go into details but just remember I have been with child a couple of years ago.
The only reason why I did my exercises on Friday was because of the competition and I was not going to loose another day. I felt sick, I was so darn tired as I just did not sleep for two nights in a row and life had my intestines in a gut wrenching knot.
By Saturday this was all old news.....the only very sad thing is that I did not get round to Shilogh this week - Only on Thursday for a very short, very disorientated little ride that nearly landed me on my head. I can only dream and hope
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
On Tuesday night
When John rocked up at my house, exactly on the expected time, concerned for my safety and laden with gifts, I think I fell in love
That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.
That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My f-ab-ulous week
So KC challenged all of us to work our abs in the little competition she is running on her blog.
My first week:
On Monday I did the sitting trot thing for five minutes and half way through I was thinking - I am cheating this is way tooo easy. I could sit like this for the rest of the day and not feel a thing
On Tuesday morning I had a slight limp as my lower back was just so stiff
On Wednesday it was the second round and after about 30 seconds I thought I was going to die. By the 4th minute I wondered if my horse will buck me off if I puked all over him and when the watch told me time up - I hardly had the strength to keep my body upright on the horse. Sheez I am unfit
Friday came and went so fast that I did not ride or do any other form of exercise
So Saturday morning I decided that I will go for the bonus point- variety:
Five minutes of crunchies - those that you pull yourself up by breathing out and clenching your core muscles. A lil like isometrics I was told way back when. I managed one hundred relatively fast, then I had to rest for at least thirty counts. Then I did another hundred agonizingly slowly, convinced that I am going to pass out and die, convinced that the kitchen counter does not work anymore and will never ring to signal the end of this torture. As I finished my 5 minutes and got up - my ears started ringing so bad I thought I am gonna pass out.
Why am I doing this to my self?
My first week:
On Monday I did the sitting trot thing for five minutes and half way through I was thinking - I am cheating this is way tooo easy. I could sit like this for the rest of the day and not feel a thing
On Tuesday morning I had a slight limp as my lower back was just so stiff
On Wednesday it was the second round and after about 30 seconds I thought I was going to die. By the 4th minute I wondered if my horse will buck me off if I puked all over him and when the watch told me time up - I hardly had the strength to keep my body upright on the horse. Sheez I am unfit
Friday came and went so fast that I did not ride or do any other form of exercise
So Saturday morning I decided that I will go for the bonus point- variety:
Five minutes of crunchies - those that you pull yourself up by breathing out and clenching your core muscles. A lil like isometrics I was told way back when. I managed one hundred relatively fast, then I had to rest for at least thirty counts. Then I did another hundred agonizingly slowly, convinced that I am going to pass out and die, convinced that the kitchen counter does not work anymore and will never ring to signal the end of this torture. As I finished my 5 minutes and got up - my ears started ringing so bad I thought I am gonna pass out.
Why am I doing this to my self?
Now I am closer to 40 than 30
But then John reminded me that he is closer to 40 than 60 which made me feel like a school girl
My birthday was one of those days I will never forget
The morning of my birthday as I was sitting in the beautiful hotel garden sipping percolated coffee, listening to gurgling waters and bird sounds, I realised that what I thought was a disaster, was really the perfect start to my day. See, I like to control my life and I like to feel successful with what I do and here I got a reminder that we are really at the mercy of those very things we take for granted in our lives. Like our health, our cell phones, cars, jobs whilst any or all of it can so easily be taken away from us.
But more importantly, when things are taken from us, other people can step up for us to take care of us and help us reach our destinations. Only problem is I failed that very lesson the next day so badly that I am afraid I am going to have to write the same test again in the near future....but I am getting ahead of myself a little bit, I think
On Sunday past I thought it a good idea to take E to the Thai Festival, which was ok, apart from the fact that they had a very violent full contact Kick boxing competition going in the middle of the festivities and we left rather hurriedly. On the way back home my little guy fell asleep in the car but I had to stop to get some milk, which I did. But the little fellow was really miserable to be woken and dragged into the shop and whilst he was fretting and fussing I got my cell phone pick pocketed from my hand bag. I left feeling angry, frustrated and betrayed as I knew something was going on with the lady that kept bumping up against me, but I had no extra hands left to try and feel if my bag was ok - which was slung across my shoulder and slightly to my back.
Well, my whole little business runs through my phone which doubles as an external modem for my computer, diary and notebook. So with that lost, I was quite literally left in the dark. I went to John to use his phone to cancel the sim and black list the phone but had to go to a project early Monday morning so could not do anything about submitting the claim for a replacement phone until Monday afternoon. Which I did and was told that I can collect my new phone on Tuesday. Fortunately John had an extra phone which he loaned me, only problem was that it had a very limited battery life, but I had a car charger for it and thought it will be ok at least to take with me on the road and at least I could phone if I needed help.
Tuesday was my birthday and I woke up early with a song in my heart - ready to face the day and slightly nervous as i was due to speak at a conference on development/transformation in the mining industry. We were ready and out the door in good time and I took my little guy to school - where he insisted I kiss him in the car and he will walk himself to his classroom. Watching my little guy with his big backpack and in full soccer atire walking himself into the school garden wrenched my heart. But no time for sentimentality, so hopped back into my truck, turned the key and....nothing. No gentle purring of my diesel enjin, just a disconcerting silence. I could not believe it. This is a new car, it has just come from a three day stint at auto-electricians where they fixed the alarm system and now she was stone cold dead. But not to worry, I will phone John to come and help me out as he is a real wiz with mechanical stuff. As I dialed his number, I got a voicemail but before I could even leave a message the battery died. To be honest I just went blank, I did not know where to start or what to do as the only numbers I knew by heart was my mom's number and Phil's number. And how will they help me? And I need to be at the conference venue in 40 minutes time.
So I went into the school secretary's office and asked if I could use the phone. I dialed Phil, but he did not answer, no surprises there as he hardly ever wakes up before 9 in the morning. Desperately in need of a sympathetic ear I phoned mom, who listened like just a mom can and then asked what she could do to help me….uhm, I don’t know – nothing I guess as they are three hours away. Just as I put the phone down another mom came up to me and offered to take me where ever it was I had to go to. I could not believe my ears, when I asked her if she is sure, she just said ‘darling, I heard you say ex-husband, and I have so been there. Come let me take you, you will be just fine.’ So I left the car keys with the school secretary and got taken 20km across town to the conference venue. On the way there I learned so many things, I learned that this lady was also in development but that her company focus on marketing and branding of projects and SMMEs. What a godsend she was, her wisdom and kindness was a real blessing to me and helped me to calm down and just let the day be. Her words were ‘darling, you try to control too much, just live a little’ mmmmm how on earth to let go of that and just to live a little. How to let go of this anxious knot in my tummy that I might let someone down or make a mistake. Anyway – at the hotel I realized they changed the venue but I did not get the e-mail as I did not have an internet connection the previous day. Fortunately they could get a hotel driver to take me across town – again – to the correct venue.
The conference went down well, our presentation was well received. My dad managed to contact the place that resurrected my Corsa in 2007 and they fetched my car and tightened the battery terminals (which were all that was wrong with it) and Phil collected the bakkie for me. I got dropped off at his house and could drive home. In the mean time I could not get hold of John as I did not know his number by heart but I knew he would be really stressed out as he did not know if I was ok or not, but I decided to bath and dress like I am going out in any-case. And true to form, at exactly 7:00 I heard the roar of his little car’s engine as he pulled up to my gate. His car was filled with flowers and he bought me some perfume. The genuine concern on his face as he got out the car and looked at me with relief washing over him when he saw that I was perfectly fine…that was probably the biggest gift I have ever gotten. He cared, he really cared about me.
On Wednesday I went first thing to the Vodashop to get my phone sorted – and there I failed the test. All the lessons learned the previous day were for naught as I lost my temper so badly and swore at the consultant. Yes, he did have a narky attitude and yes he could have been a little bit more diplomatic in the way he handled the story, but still it is not nice to watch the junk splurting out of yourself when you are put under pressure. Oi, I did apologize, and I managed to get a good phone. I also managed to make it back to the conference just in time for my presentation that afternoon. A presentation that stretched their thinking on economic development and challenged the room to think more creatively regarding the difference they can make to the mining industry and the transformation of the rural economies where they operate.
My birthday was one of those days I will never forget
The morning of my birthday as I was sitting in the beautiful hotel garden sipping percolated coffee, listening to gurgling waters and bird sounds, I realised that what I thought was a disaster, was really the perfect start to my day. See, I like to control my life and I like to feel successful with what I do and here I got a reminder that we are really at the mercy of those very things we take for granted in our lives. Like our health, our cell phones, cars, jobs whilst any or all of it can so easily be taken away from us.
But more importantly, when things are taken from us, other people can step up for us to take care of us and help us reach our destinations. Only problem is I failed that very lesson the next day so badly that I am afraid I am going to have to write the same test again in the near future....but I am getting ahead of myself a little bit, I think
On Sunday past I thought it a good idea to take E to the Thai Festival, which was ok, apart from the fact that they had a very violent full contact Kick boxing competition going in the middle of the festivities and we left rather hurriedly. On the way back home my little guy fell asleep in the car but I had to stop to get some milk, which I did. But the little fellow was really miserable to be woken and dragged into the shop and whilst he was fretting and fussing I got my cell phone pick pocketed from my hand bag. I left feeling angry, frustrated and betrayed as I knew something was going on with the lady that kept bumping up against me, but I had no extra hands left to try and feel if my bag was ok - which was slung across my shoulder and slightly to my back.
Well, my whole little business runs through my phone which doubles as an external modem for my computer, diary and notebook. So with that lost, I was quite literally left in the dark. I went to John to use his phone to cancel the sim and black list the phone but had to go to a project early Monday morning so could not do anything about submitting the claim for a replacement phone until Monday afternoon. Which I did and was told that I can collect my new phone on Tuesday. Fortunately John had an extra phone which he loaned me, only problem was that it had a very limited battery life, but I had a car charger for it and thought it will be ok at least to take with me on the road and at least I could phone if I needed help.
Tuesday was my birthday and I woke up early with a song in my heart - ready to face the day and slightly nervous as i was due to speak at a conference on development/transformation in the mining industry. We were ready and out the door in good time and I took my little guy to school - where he insisted I kiss him in the car and he will walk himself to his classroom. Watching my little guy with his big backpack and in full soccer atire walking himself into the school garden wrenched my heart. But no time for sentimentality, so hopped back into my truck, turned the key and....nothing. No gentle purring of my diesel enjin, just a disconcerting silence. I could not believe it. This is a new car, it has just come from a three day stint at auto-electricians where they fixed the alarm system and now she was stone cold dead. But not to worry, I will phone John to come and help me out as he is a real wiz with mechanical stuff. As I dialed his number, I got a voicemail but before I could even leave a message the battery died. To be honest I just went blank, I did not know where to start or what to do as the only numbers I knew by heart was my mom's number and Phil's number. And how will they help me? And I need to be at the conference venue in 40 minutes time.
So I went into the school secretary's office and asked if I could use the phone. I dialed Phil, but he did not answer, no surprises there as he hardly ever wakes up before 9 in the morning. Desperately in need of a sympathetic ear I phoned mom, who listened like just a mom can and then asked what she could do to help me….uhm, I don’t know – nothing I guess as they are three hours away. Just as I put the phone down another mom came up to me and offered to take me where ever it was I had to go to. I could not believe my ears, when I asked her if she is sure, she just said ‘darling, I heard you say ex-husband, and I have so been there. Come let me take you, you will be just fine.’ So I left the car keys with the school secretary and got taken 20km across town to the conference venue. On the way there I learned so many things, I learned that this lady was also in development but that her company focus on marketing and branding of projects and SMMEs. What a godsend she was, her wisdom and kindness was a real blessing to me and helped me to calm down and just let the day be. Her words were ‘darling, you try to control too much, just live a little’ mmmmm how on earth to let go of that and just to live a little. How to let go of this anxious knot in my tummy that I might let someone down or make a mistake. Anyway – at the hotel I realized they changed the venue but I did not get the e-mail as I did not have an internet connection the previous day. Fortunately they could get a hotel driver to take me across town – again – to the correct venue.
The conference went down well, our presentation was well received. My dad managed to contact the place that resurrected my Corsa in 2007 and they fetched my car and tightened the battery terminals (which were all that was wrong with it) and Phil collected the bakkie for me. I got dropped off at his house and could drive home. In the mean time I could not get hold of John as I did not know his number by heart but I knew he would be really stressed out as he did not know if I was ok or not, but I decided to bath and dress like I am going out in any-case. And true to form, at exactly 7:00 I heard the roar of his little car’s engine as he pulled up to my gate. His car was filled with flowers and he bought me some perfume. The genuine concern on his face as he got out the car and looked at me with relief washing over him when he saw that I was perfectly fine…that was probably the biggest gift I have ever gotten. He cared, he really cared about me.
On Wednesday I went first thing to the Vodashop to get my phone sorted – and there I failed the test. All the lessons learned the previous day were for naught as I lost my temper so badly and swore at the consultant. Yes, he did have a narky attitude and yes he could have been a little bit more diplomatic in the way he handled the story, but still it is not nice to watch the junk splurting out of yourself when you are put under pressure. Oi, I did apologize, and I managed to get a good phone. I also managed to make it back to the conference just in time for my presentation that afternoon. A presentation that stretched their thinking on economic development and challenged the room to think more creatively regarding the difference they can make to the mining industry and the transformation of the rural economies where they operate.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Phillipa, you do us proud!
Today a young South African woman won a gold medal at the Para-Olympic games. Yes the medal is won for South Africa, but gold is going to all those people that have overcome all odds to make a dream come true.
Phillipa is known to me through her family, I used to ride professionally for her uncle, the identical twin brother of her father. Her brother got killed in the accident that left her partially paralysed in October 2008, he was a very dear friend of mine. I can still see the light filtering through his marble green eyes, remember how he tried to soften the learning curve of riding for me and whenever I feel like the world is a too big a mountain to climb I remember his mantra that 'As long as your low is higher than your previous low, you are making progress'.
Phillipa has overcome numerous challenges, her handicap only one of them, to participate in her second Para-Olympic games. She currently resides and works in Belgium and managed to pay her own way for both her and Benedict to go to the games. We salute you, your courage and determination to reach your dreams is an inspiration!
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Spring has sprung
I love September
I love the renewed sound of birds
the budding leaves
the bucking horses
the light through my window when I have to wake up in the morning
the heat in my house where I worked on my computer
the smell of braaivleis over the weekends
the toning and browning of my body
the sound of laughter in the air as everyone congregates in the sun
sultry hot evenings
the promise of new opportunities
I love the renewed sound of birds
the budding leaves
the bucking horses
the light through my window when I have to wake up in the morning
the heat in my house where I worked on my computer
the smell of braaivleis over the weekends
the toning and browning of my body
the sound of laughter in the air as everyone congregates in the sun
sultry hot evenings
the promise of new opportunities
Ooh wow - I am so happy
My blog is up and running again
Sheesh I have been frustrated this month
My blog was as bad as electricity supply in SA ;-)
Sheesh I have been frustrated this month
My blog was as bad as electricity supply in SA ;-)
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