A conversation in my car

So on our way to school this morning E piped up from the back

Mom, look, I am strong and I am going to break these strap me ins (the shoulder straps for his carseat) open like dis - and the hands enthusiastically illustrates the much desired feat. I revert with, so are you superman then?

NOOOOOOO MOMMA, he screams at me, I am NOT superman, I am ELRICH...the superheros are not here, it is me. The superheros are only in the stories on the tv, they are not people.

To which I listen in absolute amazement......no fantasy, just the hard reality of superman that are not here and not real. I am sure it must be a conversation they often have in school.

Which reminds me of a little tale his one teacher told me the other day. She has purposefully been mispronouncing his name in school, apparently he gets really upset with anybody that mispronounces his name (tell me about it) and he became the butt of jokes as the marjority of the children are English first language and they cannot pronounce the Elrich properly. He also refused to join the children if they called all the boys to do stuff as he is not a boy, he is Elrich and will only respond to his name. Really stubborn little thing, apparently it is starting to get a little bit better now and he does not react to all the teasing as much either.

Circles circling in and out

I booked today to go to Sodwana for the weekend to dive

It left me so very teary and sad.
Aniversaries I believe will be difficult

Two years since he left
One year since we went diving together for the first time again
Now

I am going on a dinner date tonight
maybe it will cheer me up somewhat

In denial

I think Phil is in denial about this whole divorce thing

I went to his house to drop E off for the weekend and it was raining and E was sleeping so it was a bit of a mad dash to get him out of the car and his bags and the gate (electric fencing and locks and all the trappings of SA life) So when he was eventually in his dad's arms and they had all his toys and bags I ran after them to give E a little good bye kiss, and Phil turned his face for a kiss as well. I just looked at him and could see he was embaressed, you know, that feeling when you do something out of habit that you did not think about?

It was ok then, but on the way home I could not see the road for all the tears...

A kid with two homes

The main reason why I went through the trauma of marriage counseling and trying to reconcile my marriage last year was because I did not want Elrich to grow up as the child of divorced parents. I now realise I did it more for myself than for him.

He is a very happy little boy, that clearly understands that he lives in 'our house' and goes to visit his daddy at 'his house'. He now gets to see his dad a lot more than he did previously, and Phil is taking an interest in his son and making a real effort to spend quality time with him. In the beginning E would not talk about his dad at all, but now we have long conversations about everything they do and how much fun they had together and I really encourage him to talk about daddy and how much they love each other. He often brags about 'my daddy did this or the other' and I can see that he enjoys the time spend at his dad's place.

This weekend past a long standing friend of ours had a birthday party for his little two year daughter and we were both invited. So we went and it was ok, we were there as friends and supported each other as parents when E needed it. We could even chat a bit and there were no obvious tension or anxiety. I must be honest though, it really tired me out and I was emotionally exhausted by the time I left for home.

Over the previous six/seven months I have worked really hard to face and deal with my emotions, my hurt, anger, disappointment and to let go of the past. To build new dreams of a future for my little family and I think that I have made some progress in creating an environment were E will not grow up as ‘the child of a broken home' but rather as ‘the child of two loving parents'.

Elrich'isms

Little things my boy has said lately:

As I tucked him into bed last night
'Mommy, I just looove you too much'

I did not want to give him sweets for breakfast
'I am NOT your best friend anymore!'

Just before we left for school
'Mommy, look at my muscles, I am sooo strwong' as he pranced and posed around the cottage for me to admire

In the bath last night
'Come see mom, I am blowing bubbles' In I walk to notice with shock and horror that I did not learn my lesson and he has (again) emptied my Clarins face wash in the bath...yikes another R200 down the drain.

He loves his new bakkie (pick up truck) and wants to drive it everywhere, so much so that we had a serious tantrum this morning on the way to school as he just could not understand why he could not 'drive with me in the traffic' So after he eventually stopped screaming, this little voice pipes up from the back 'Mom, please I need to wash my face and blow my nose' Fortunately I had some tissues handy for him.

He just has this way of going between a big boy and a spoiled kid in seconds!!

From Prejudice to Admiration

So I had Fun with a BIG F last night - the women I met there were warm real people with big bodies, little bodies, toned ones and fat ones, but they were all smiling, clinching those buns and pushing up with those hips. It was an hour floor work out that killed me and I left with legs that could hardly walk.

I loved it - I felt that cameraderie between women I remember feeling when E was a newborn and i was in a baby massage class with a bunch of other newborn moms

It was not about seduction at all, but I can imagine that the confidence those women have in their beautiful, perfect bodies, rubs off everywhere.

I will practice to 'touch the corners of a square with my hips' until I can do it with that beautiful fluent movement that rolled through the class last night.

Into the Lion's Den

I have always been a tom boy, from little it was shorts, T-shirts and dirty skinny legs running around like a mad thing with a bunch of little boys. I could climb higher, ride faster and hit harder than most of the ‘other’ little boys. So much so that a life long friend – and we are still best buddies, once looked at me when I was about 13 and exclaimed in utter befuddlement ‘But you are a girl!!’ After I have known him for 12 years and had pony tails for about six of those ;-)

So I have to admit, I have always felt a little bit out of place in the presence of a bundle of girls, talking about girlie stuff. I don’t have anything pink – well I lie, there is a tiny little pink bow on a pair of black lace knickers in my cupboard. I have sensible short nails without any varnish, drive a pick up truck and cannot for the life of me walk on high heels. I have never curled my pinky, can’t flutter my eyelashes (not for want of trying) and in general will not pull it of as a pussycat doll, Barbie, or playboy bunny………

So, tonight I am joining a sensual dancing class, with a bunch of girlie girls, learning all about that secret art of being absolutely feminine, at home in your delectably tantalizing female body. It is for women only and the end goal is to help us poor sods that swagger in stead of strut to learn the finer arts of you know…….seduction?

Deep Fried Fly

I decided to treat myself to a herbal tea and candle light bath, with bubbles and all kinds of smellies to sooth the skin and soul. See it has been a bit rough around here with work pressure, the divorce and Phil being the absolutely sweetest person this side of the equator.

A big bottle green fly is buzzzing about, buzzing about
I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound
Then the sizzle
I watch the macabre dance
a charslton I think
In clear hot wax
Then the silence

I can relax again

Sighting out a Site

I had to be up at shortly after four am....the cockerel at my new place made sure I did not miss the alarm clock and I was all dressed and ready to roll by 5:30. Had to meet the project manager at their head offices in Centurion at 6:00 sharp to make sure we make our meeting with the very very important director of Local Economic Development at 10:00.

Yes it is a loooong drive and we stopped three times, for coffee, a pee and the special biltong stop shortly before our destination. At the meeting we were informed that the other two very important people we had to meet could not make it - this is the reason why we drove all the way. To meet the relevant ward councilor and the contact person for the local chamber of small business. The one had to take their car in for a service and the other is simply not available - I am gently stroking my leg to calm myself down with my colleague wanting to burst into hysterical laughter. I am reminding myself that this is Africa and everything works on a different time scale, even if I did phone the previous day to confirm that the meeting was still on schedule. So we left to sight some core boreholes instead and decided that we would just continue to try and get hold of the ward councilor all day long as I really need to see the projects to decide where to from here.

Our patience paid of and shortly before three that afternoon we eventually got hold of her, she directed us to the traditional authorities (now why the municipality could not do that is a mystery) and we were enthusiastically escorted to a poultry and piggery project

Where we traipsed ankle deep through mud and pigshit to listen in amazement to the interpreter telling us that the products are actually sold wholesale to commercial operations, something like 190 chickens and 8 pigs in the previous month. We decided that our feasibility studies should include some research into the viability of opening a local branch of Health and Fitness