A couple of firsts

Today E participated in the 3 - 4 year old category for the Pick A Pay Cycle race and it was very 'scary' and 'exciting' all at once. After looking forward to it for the whole week and sitting on his bicycle ready to go from 8 this morning, we nearly left the starting point as he was just too overwhelmed by the crowd and the atmosphere to continue. Some reassurance and a promise I will hold him all the way and we were ready to roll. It went surprisingly well. We did not fall off or bump into anyone and did not get bumped into either. And he made it all the way to the end to get his medal, juice and chocolate.

Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p

Maybe just maybe

I am moving on a little bit ;-p
After another week of feeling sore and forelorn and wishing everything was different
I woke up today with a song in my heart
and a glint in my eye
a desire to live and love and be loved

I believe this is kind of a cycle I will probably go through for a while yet to come but I am so fortunate because I have been granted a close friend with big arms and a generous heart to help me through all of this.

The madness continues

I just got a seriously big life cover policy that has an income protector and disability build in. They gave me an amazing discount since I am a seeminly healthy educated professional with a purist lifestyle. But after carefull consideration of my personality profile questionnaire they have stipulated that all mental illnesses such as (and I list them)
anxiety,
stress
depression
Fatigue
Chronic fatigue
or (other?)personality disorders
will be excluded for the comprehensive and income protector plan and that I should preferably not visit anymore psychotherapists for at least the next 12 months. I think they are crazy, but i will take the offer as I know I have my madness well under control and only my puppy (and sometimes my child) gets glympses of the mad cackling and crying that goes on in the cottage for the most insignificant of reasons.

Cutting the ties that bind

One of my coping strategies last year was to imagine my emotional ties to Phil cut off, fluttering in the wind. Red ribbons just fluttering in the wind. I always had his face in mind when I did this. I do not feel any attachments to Phil and to tell the truth, I do not like him very much. I could not understand why I could not let go of him, why I was so stuck between moving forward and not letting go of the past.

During my therapy session on Friday the psychotherapist asked me to 'see' Phil. The man my subconscious called up was Phil, not as he looks now, but the young man I married. It was the hardest thing I have had to do, pushing that young man away, far and away until he disappeared into nothingness.

Embrace Me

'Hold my hand I'll help you through it'

the offer is genuine

it is coming from someone that actually really cares

cares so much he is scaring himself

but still he will stand there for me

when I can offer him little in return

when all I want to do is run away

far far away

It is all a process

I still miss him
My body sometimes aches for his touch
I have vivid dreams of us doing fun things together

but at least
I dont wait for him to come home at night

Diving right in

Standing in the icy cold crystal clear waters of Breyton Beach Knysna, my new years resolution came to me....don't be too scared of extreme sensations - just dive right into life.

It was refreshing

It still is

With a lot of the firsts behind me, I am feeling renewed and ready for 2008
December was one long journey into and through myself
a lot of time was spend in introspection
and more time even on doing nothing
It was needed and wonderful

Our first Christmas tree

Our first family day christmas celebrations with daddy's family
And our first family christmas day spend with mommy's family
The young man did not mind at all as he was spoiled with so many presents he thinks it should be christmas again tomorrow.

So things that are on the cards for me for this year is:
Getting out of my comfy corner and to get going with my business
Getting my foot in the door with the property market
Not to be scared to love and be loved, even if it does not last for forever
To always remember that my kid is the child of two loving parents and that we must make decisions that will keep him secure in that

Crawling my way out

So yesterday was another first
Wedding (non)anniversary
I was so depressed
I missed him so much
Why do I still want us to be together?

I know it will never work
I will be isolated
emotionally dead
but still

Today I rode two horses
tonight I am going for a dinner date
tomorrow I will celebrate summer

I can only go forward

I think I am stuck at Chapter 2

There's a hole in my sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost...I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street

Circles circling in and out

I booked today to go to Sodwana for the weekend to dive

It left me so very teary and sad.
Aniversaries I believe will be difficult

Two years since he left
One year since we went diving together for the first time again
Now

I am going on a dinner date tonight
maybe it will cheer me up somewhat

Into the Lion's Den

I have always been a tom boy, from little it was shorts, T-shirts and dirty skinny legs running around like a mad thing with a bunch of little boys. I could climb higher, ride faster and hit harder than most of the ‘other’ little boys. So much so that a life long friend – and we are still best buddies, once looked at me when I was about 13 and exclaimed in utter befuddlement ‘But you are a girl!!’ After I have known him for 12 years and had pony tails for about six of those ;-)

So I have to admit, I have always felt a little bit out of place in the presence of a bundle of girls, talking about girlie stuff. I don’t have anything pink – well I lie, there is a tiny little pink bow on a pair of black lace knickers in my cupboard. I have sensible short nails without any varnish, drive a pick up truck and cannot for the life of me walk on high heels. I have never curled my pinky, can’t flutter my eyelashes (not for want of trying) and in general will not pull it of as a pussycat doll, Barbie, or playboy bunny………

So, tonight I am joining a sensual dancing class, with a bunch of girlie girls, learning all about that secret art of being absolutely feminine, at home in your delectably tantalizing female body. It is for women only and the end goal is to help us poor sods that swagger in stead of strut to learn the finer arts of you know…….seduction?

Sweating it OUT

I have been getting more and more edgy lately. Edgy and tired, cotton wool headed. I have walked, and have talked, pondered, cleaned, cried, slept and nothing helped. My insides were itching

So I found a little gym, just around the corner from where I stay. I thought the place was bankrupt, but alas the liquidators are running it on a month to month basis. Perfect - I can cope with a one month, no strings attached commitment. So I bought a pass.

It worked, I sweated it out on the elliptical walker and then in the steam room. The poison was pouring down my body, leaving me clean, refreshed and clear headed. The first time in weeks

I think I will go and do the circuit tomorrow!

A ball of sobs

Today was a really bad day. I had to go to a 12:00 a clock meeting and at 11:00 I was still in a foetal position in my bath, balling my eyes out. I think I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I figured these are the reasons:
It is just about three months after the final break-up, it always takes me three months to break down after any disaster
Ne Dean died yesterday, five years ago, my most difficult day in the year
And the bulk of the stress of all my work is over, I dont absolutely have to consentrate on work every waking minute

So, really, it is a good sign

Still around

So the trip to the game reserve was really amazing. We saw all of the big five and so many lions and elephants it got boring......I took beautiful pictures (I think) but have not even had time to go to the mall to get them developed. I will make an attempt this weekend.

And I went to speak to a divorce lawyer last week. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do emotionally. To unpack this mess infront of a man I am sure have seen everything and worse. My intimate details. I managed to do it with a well placed joke here and there. I think he really appreciated that - the humour that is. Why do I always have to be strong and positive when I talk about myself to other people? I cannot even break down in councelling. That is only reserved for dark nights under the duvet, and mostly only in my dreams. Vivid loud dreams. Suppose that is a clear indication that my subconscious is very busy sorting through the mess.

It is hard, no jokes aside. I think I will be fine. I need to find me again and I need to believe in the woman in me. I have confidence in me the mother, me the consultant, me the person....but me the woman, is just a scared little girl.

There are still nice people in this world

As the saying goes, it never rains it pours.

My car was due to get new shocks and other minor repairs yesterday before we go on our long drive today. So on the way to the workshop I notice a new sound, well really an overwelming noice that reminded me of driving my grandfather's tractor. And the loss of power. So as my little car tututututut up the hill in peak traffic to E's school I was wondering if this new addition to her list of ailments are cause of concern.

An hour later at the workshop the mechanic comes to me with the kind of face that I would imagine a doctor to have when they deliver the terminal illness diagnosis to close family members. Since the workshop refers to me as 'the girl that do not have any money' (I have no idea how that impression was created, maybe something to do with my broken knee jeans and 10 year old little skedonk with the child seat in the rear) they always feel sorry for me when I bring my little car in and I always take advantage of that. You get discount on labour and they shop around for better prices. So 'the face' was worrisome as this happen to be an expensive month already and I worked very few hours in May.

'Sorry Mam, but your head cylinder gasket has blown' sounds like greek to me so I asked for the explanation. In short it means a whole lot of money, and I will only get my car back the earliest on Thursday afternoon. This will never do as my meeting is on Thursday morning and I am going to the game reserve..dammit.

As I lament my miserable bad luck and the fact that I will not, will not, will not phone Phil to help me out a girlfriend phones and immediately picks up on my emotional state. I cry in her ear and she listens with the attention just a woman can give you, and ten minutes later phones back to say that I must stop crying, she will bring me her car and I better get my bag packed and my camera ready as she does not want to see me again before Sunday night!!

I cried again, just because I could

I have been really teary lately

I found out last week that Phil never changed his ways - that he has been having an affair with another girl for at least four months. Not only that, he has double dated her with the previous affair from two years ago.

This has opened the proverbial floodgate of tears in me. I have been crying on and off for days now. I have so much pressure at work at the moment and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry my little heart out.

I am leaving to go to site tomorrow. Elrich will come with me and on Friday we are going camping with my cousin in the Kruger National Park. In a wilderness hut, far removed from the tourists and beaten track. I think I will take my camera and just become quiet for a day or two. Peace in the bushveld

Yesterday was a really bad day

So I indulged myself and watched tear jerkers all day, crying and laughing. It was raw but it was honest. I slept deeply all night. First thing this morning I let varsity know I cannot possibly lecture today and then phoned my old riding coach.

It is just all about me, Yes?