Maybe just maybe

I am moving on a little bit ;-p
After another week of feeling sore and forelorn and wishing everything was different
I woke up today with a song in my heart
and a glint in my eye
a desire to live and love and be loved

I believe this is kind of a cycle I will probably go through for a while yet to come but I am so fortunate because I have been granted a close friend with big arms and a generous heart to help me through all of this.

The mouth of babes ?!

Just as I sat down for one second to relax - yes, on the loo (again)
E comes running in
Wow mom!! he exclaims in wonder
Look at your fat bum!!

He also believes if you eat too many sweets, you will become a baby again. I think that is his reversed logic after I told him he will grow into a big boy if he eats his vegetables, and that sweets is not food

On the way home from school he told me that he will buy some monies and then use it to get us a faster car......no not a faster car mom, a space ship! One with seven fire circles!

On the way to the groceries store, I phoned John to hear how his day went, only to have E take the call over and spend more than 10 minutes on the phone telling John about his day and all the stuff John must remember to do
Like play with him with the lightning McQueen game, buy his mother some flowers, eat dinner with us, bring him a present and so the list goes on. At one stage he even told John to please wait a second, whilst he instructed me on what I needed to buy for dinner ;-)

The madness continues

I just got a seriously big life cover policy that has an income protector and disability build in. They gave me an amazing discount since I am a seeminly healthy educated professional with a purist lifestyle. But after carefull consideration of my personality profile questionnaire they have stipulated that all mental illnesses such as (and I list them)
anxiety,
stress
depression
Fatigue
Chronic fatigue
or (other?)personality disorders
will be excluded for the comprehensive and income protector plan and that I should preferably not visit anymore psychotherapists for at least the next 12 months. I think they are crazy, but i will take the offer as I know I have my madness well under control and only my puppy (and sometimes my child) gets glympses of the mad cackling and crying that goes on in the cottage for the most insignificant of reasons.

On body parts and other important things

On the way from school this afternoon we stopped for an early dinner/late lunch and e wanted to go to the public bathroom to make a pooh. So I accompanied him on the pretense that I had to go to the loo as well.

This is the converstation we had between the two cubicles (as i am not allowed to watch him)
Mom, you know what...you dont have a penis. Oh no you don't. You have a uhm uhm..what do you have again?
I mumble...No baby I dont have a penis, I have a vagina
What did you say you have mom...comes the near scream over the cubicle wall
I said I have a vagina!
Oh ya oh ya, you dont have a penis, you have a gina
but you know what mom?
What my angel?
You have a bum, a bum just like me. And you pooh out of your bum, but you dont have a penis. Only me have a penis
and Keabewtse, and daddy and John and.........
I am just wondering how many other people are in the bathroom as E mentions all the men in his life

Change of plans

At the beginning of this year my goals were basically to
Build my business and buy a house

Those have changed
I am of the hook completely
I dont have to achieve anything this year at all
I am just focussed on finding myself and mothering my son

Yes, the old money clock must tick over but i will just remain in status quo and look after the clients i have and if new business comes round, i wil take it on and work at it. But I am not going to go looking for anything. No active building of anything. Just living and finding out what it feels like to feel again. To not be driven to perfection in everything I do. To sleep in when I can, to loose my temper if I have to. To cry and to love. Even if it is only for today. Because just recently I have been reminded again that tomorrow is never certain. It does not matter if something will not last, we can still love and live today with everything we have for this day. Or this person, today. It is ok.

The tales my thoughts sometimes tell

I have loved Phil as best I could love him. The love he needed from a woman was different than what I could give. This does not mean that we cannot love well, it just means we love differently. Realising this is helping me to open my heart to accept the love given to me by John. The exact same love I wanted from Phil, and he could not give me.

John wants to nurture and guide, he wants to care and protect, he wants to provide
He wants us to share our dreams

I am scared to let go of this rather safe wall of emotional distance I have build around me. But life is so real and so fragile. It can be lost in a milli-second and I do not want to live the balance of my days in isolation. Too scared to love and be loved again. Too scared to nurture and be nurtured, to protect and be protected by someone that really cares.

I have to trust that this is not an emotional trap, another jail, another place of isolation.

Ok, I know

I have issues and fears and am emotionally unstable, I also know that the only thing I can do is to try and keep my integrity in tact whilst I steer through these rather perilous waters.

But when even your four year old looks at you with concern in eyes and says
'Mom, you know what, you are reeaaaly strange'
then maybe, and just maybe
it is cause for concern

Our family has grown

So I got approached by a scruffy little puppy, she looked me in the face and told me that she was to come home with me. After serious negotiations with the chief she joined me on the trip home. She responds to the name Puppies ;-) E is crazy about her, even if he did tell me to send her back to where she came from after a particularly wild play session between them. She is a star already with her regal bearing and sharp little mind.

My mother's day

First a little sms,

If I were a thief, I would steal your heart
If I was a poet, a sonnet I'd write
If I was a painter, on canvas I would immortalise you
If I was Elvis, I'd sing you a song
But oom Jannie is none of the above, so he hopes his thoughts will put a smile on your face ;-0

Super Mom, hope you have super day!
Kisses, hugs and Special thoughts

Followed by dinner for E and me at a local family restaurant, flowers, gifts and yes.........;-)

A weekend of mindless relaxation

When the invitation went out to join a pony trek across the Lesotho mountains, I could not respond quick enough. This is a peep into an experience I rate among the best I have ever encountered.

Passing through the Gates of ParadiseThe girls all admiring the view - we all traveled together in my truck
First sunrise at Malealea lodge
The ponytrekkers ready for departure. Most of us have never met before this journey and it was surprising how much fun you can have in rural Lesotho with a bunch of complete strangers.
Trekking through the mountains. The surefootedness of these ponies was admirable and I did not feel qualified holding the reins at all, so much the better for taking lots and lots of photos of the breathtaking scenary
The start of a death defying decent ;-p
Ok round about here I closed my eyes ...yes that is my pony's ears in this picture. Her name was Zara and she deserves a medal. The way she measured each carefull step before changing her weight and climbing up and over places I did not even think a mountain goat could go was just amazing
Over the river and up the other side, which was no less scary
At last - lunch break
Seven hours later we reached our destination for the night. A normal functional Basotho village far removed from any major roads or shopping centres. Here the hours are announced by cock crow and starlight. We slept in those two huts visible in the background
Sharing a fire, dinner and drinks with our guides and the local men living in the village. Women are still seen and not heard around here.

The next morning we stretched our weary stiff legs with an hour walk to the Ribaneng waterfall. More breathtaking scenery awaited us around every bend in the mountain
A local mountain goat herder hailing us good morning
The falls in the distance
Our guide, despite the copious amounts of sherry that he consumed the previous night and a body that was just sinews and bones he set a fast rolling gait through the mountains all the time puffing on his homebrewed and rolled cigarette