When friends grow old

Shanie has been my companion and close friend for nearly a decade. It was love at first sight, this scrawny mall nourished ugly little baby just had to be mine and I bought him the Christmas of '98. He was just four years old and so thin you could see the vertebrae in his neck. That was the start of a friendship too close to describe to anyone else. I love him dearly and he has been my buddy, father, councellor and biggest confidant for the last eight years.

When my closest friend died in a horrendous accident one sunny day in July, I was riding him as I felt her leaving the earth. It was in his stable I slept when Phil left me the first time 8 years ago. He was the first friend E got introduced to after his birth and it was on his back that I tried to sort through my thoughts on Phil at the end of last year. When I ride that little boy I feel like we can achieve anything, like nothing in this whole world could ever be too difficult to overcome. Jumping him gives me the convidence to look the world in the face and smelling his horsey breath connects me to earth and the roots we are all tied into.

He has been slightly lame for a bit so we took some X-rays of the offending leg. The vet had me come into her practice on Wednesday to discuss the results. It seems that there are a lot of bone changes in this one leg (he crashed into a jump a couple of months after I bought him and got so badly cut that he received more than 20 stitches across his knee. Even though he is sound and has retained full flexion on that joint, he has distributed his weight differently on that leg ever since). The prognosis is not clear, but I bought him some supplements and his shoes will be changed. The vet could not tell me whether my baby will be ok in the long run - she says he might be fine for another 8 years or he might be in constant pain within the next three months. I feel totally devastated as I have always imagined we will have many more years to come. He is still relatively young, but the lack of nutrious food at a young age - during the forming years, has obviously had an influence on his bone structure. Something I have always feared.

Even if I do not have to make any hard decisions today, how should I think about this? I do not believe in keeping an animal in pain just because you love it too much to let go. But how to let go of my dearest little friend???

New projects

Just as I was lamenting the fact that my crazy schedule has slowed down and that there were no real projects in the very near future - read cashflow problems, I got this phonecall. From the South Africa National Parks Board, to invite me to quote on a desktop study, which will be the start of a far larger project. In community development and poverty relief in the rural areas surrounding the 21 national parks - now does that sound like me or does that sound like me???

I was soo excited - this is the first time that I have been invited to submit a quote under my own name - normally these things happen through the two 'agencies' or bigger businessess I consult through. PLEASE hold thumbs that I will get the job!!!! I need this soo bad as a professional, it is not even funny.

Just to stretch myself a little bit on the convidence and creative side, I discussed my photography with a good friend/ marketing consultant today and she suggested I email her my pride and joy and if she think's it is good enough - she knows an agent always looking for young artists and organises exibitions and consignments. Ack - I have never had a real crit look at my work and it is really personal. But I want to do it so bad....professional photography was my first choice for studies as a young girl but the course and equipment was too expensive for my parents, so I had to wait till I was in my 30's before we could afford a halfway decent camera and lenses.

Family matters

Oi vey it is cooking around here!!

The parents in law is getting remarried, the divorce was only a couple of years ago. All the time they were married previously it was a bit of a love hate affair. Now they have turned super religious and are taking ago at life together. Maybe they are just trying to chase the lonely bugs and fears of latter years away.

My bro screwed up somewhat and will spend his 36th birthday in jail. Not sure what the ramifications of that will be and how his future will pan out after this bit of trouble. My poor mom has been in tears for near on a week now, but as all good and loving parents will do - supports him all the way and tries to organise his life. My father is just a wreck and paces up and down till all the carpets will need replacing.

The bil's, well the older one is just finishing his role in the Sun City extravaganza and will move onto the next eye catching stage personality. His struggle with his sexuality and place in the world is ongoing, but at least he has come to love and accept himself. Something his parents are still trying to come to terms with. When will they stop trying to convince him that he is not gay??

The younger one - he is still trying to find his place in the world and has turned to scientology for all the answers. I just wish he will investigate the world and read wider before he devotes himself to such a restrictive lifestyle. Suppose we should take a bit better care of him as he is out on his own to a large extend with no tertiary education and no means to attain it. He really got the bottom end of the drawer. But he is such a nice young man and he really is doing a good job supporting himself on a minimal income. Even bought himself his pride and joy in an old dilapidated little car.

Phil resigned his job and will be working for the company that bought the other business in which he had interests, but which never really flew. That business not only cost us a lot of money, but nearly our marriage (and we are still not out of the dark) so the associations I have with it is not all that positive. Suppose, if you do not risk you do not gain. Lets see if we can keep it all together this time round.

We are back!

I told the story and posted the fun pics on the Spring 2004 board, so no sense in repeating myself. What I did not show and tell are my attempts at art, and this I will share here:

Firstly, the very expensive window breaking photo (E pressed the central locking on our car as he closed the door - this on a deserted road in the middle of the karoo. So we broke two windows to get into the car. Yes, two. Because I suggested breaking the small triangular back window first, we could however not get the car open so Phil had to break the large back window as well. Turns out the small window is about 3 times more expensive than the big one - I will never live this down)

I love this photo of the grass seeds, I took this using the manual function on my camera with an extended exposure. When I take photos I love playing with perspective and contrast. In the next photo I tried to tell the onlooker how long, lonely and outstretched this road really is
Phil does not really like this photo, because I held the camera skew when it was taken. I can see his point, as the left angle of the horizon is rather bothersome. Oh well - I was kneeling in the dirt to try and get my face as close to the earth as possible - but will look out for another opportunity and try to not have a seasick horizon.
The next photo is one of my favourites. It is of a 'windpomp' not sure what that might be in the English language and I love Love love it!! I was kneeling inbetween thorns in an open veld when I took this and my aim was to get it to fill the whole lens from corner to corner. To have a sense of it growing out of the ground and on for forever - towards the sun and the clear skies of the karoo.

I tried a couple of other shots on the way to Graaff Reinet but non of them are nice or tell the story I wanted it to tell. So, no sense in the boring details.

In Knysna it self, we stayed right at the edge of the Knysna forest and we went for a walk at Diepkelders, a rather long and strenous walk in the forest which ends in a narrow valley with a river and deep, mountain cold, water pools.
In the forest it self I took this photo of what I named the Faerie glen. It was also taken on manual with an extended exposure. The forest is quite dark and smells of mulch and water and ancient life.

Down in the valley I tried to take a photo of the water flowing over the stones with the intention of capturing the movement. This is the first time I have ever attempted to do something like that and with a little bit of advice from Phil, this was the result. I am very proud of my effort.
And on our second last day we went to the Elephant Sanctuary were we had the opportunity to touch and feed these magnificent animals. It was one of those truly larger than life experiences.
We had a lovely time and even if every day was just too short, we managed to rest and have fun together as a family. We also managed to have a deep soul discussion and I think that the way forward for us as a family will be exciting.

Now unfortunately, I have a mountain of work to do and no motivation for it whatsover!!

All ready???

Yip - we are leaving for holidays tomorrow morning at some dark hour - not that I have packed one piece of clothing yet. Still working to finish some stuff for clients that got behind with our camping in the clinic this week past. Fortunately E got a clean bill of health this morning, well kind off - we are armoured with a whole bag of medicine and back up telephone numbers, but the ped seems to think that clean sea and forest air will be just the thing for him.

I am too scared yet to get excited, so much to do still before I can start thinking that I am on holiday. But I am sure it will start to become reality for me soon enough.

I phoned the Phillipolis people today to confirm our booking, we dont know yet where we will stay in Graaff Reinet, but that is half the fun, Yes? Snacks and medicines are packed and waiting on the kitchen counter and I spend some money on a couple of new clothes and a hairstyle...lol, nothing like 'getting ready' to relax. Besides, some retail therapy after a stressed out week is never a bad thing.

Oh and I got good news today - the book I have a chapter in has been published and the first formal launch is the 6th of June, with press and speakers and cocktails!! I am so excited, it has been a long two year process of which I was not even fully aware, apart from the numerous drafts I wrote after the initial one got accepted. So, watch out for 'Globalisation and New Social Identities: A View From The Middle.' A rather thought provoking book - to certain readers, and my bit is all about identity and communication technology - specifically chatrooms!!! hehehehe, none of you feature there. Funny enough, I joined the boards after the research was completed when I tried to find a way of coping with a surprise pregnancy, lol.

Fuck It!!!

Elrich and me found ourselves sitting on a cot in the pediatric ward of our local, very expensive private clinic. Tubes and wires are running from his nostrils and left hand to various machines whirring on the background. It is dusk and his about third nebuliser treatment was, for this our first day in hospital, just completed. He looks around him at all the blinking lights, sighs deeply and then exclaims in this rather loud toddler voice: "Fuck it!!"

I could not help but agree with him.

Even thinking back, no other expression coming from anyone could have summed up my or his emotions in a better way. So I agreed, and left it at that. Not sure what the other two mothers thought of his insight in matters emotional.

Poor kiddo, he will probably be in hospital till Thursday with bronchial pneumonia - maybe that was what my small voice of disaster was all about?? Should I take a newly out of hospital kid on a cross country trek?