A ball of sobs

Today was a really bad day. I had to go to a 12:00 a clock meeting and at 11:00 I was still in a foetal position in my bath, balling my eyes out. I think I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I figured these are the reasons:
It is just about three months after the final break-up, it always takes me three months to break down after any disaster
Ne Dean died yesterday, five years ago, my most difficult day in the year
And the bulk of the stress of all my work is over, I dont absolutely have to consentrate on work every waking minute

So, really, it is a good sign

I have stocked up on the beer and prawns

Is the message I got today, when are you coming to visit me again? Lol, and i thought he totally gave up on me. See I had to phone last week to apologise for bad behaviour, only to be rewarded with a brushing down that I am not ready for a relationship. With one eyebrow raised I could not help but wonder, who ever spoke about a relationship. I thought we were friends.....silly me.

So I just left it at that, thinking you idiot. Of course I am not ready for a relationship - I cannot even commit to the purchase of furniture. Forget about something resembling anything vaguely more intense than a casual friendship.

And I would really like one of those, I must add.

Not sure if it is the message, the fact that I am still OK, even if I am 'The crazy freaking girl' or whether it was the absolutely magnificant performance of the Lion King, but I feel so at peace tonight.

No mom, my name is Elrich!

Elrich's biggest thing at the moment is to be 'a big strwong boy' that has 'dragon powers' and fights his friends on the trampoline...I know, the fighting really is just wrestling with his five year old buddy that stays on the same property. The two circle one another on the edge of the trampoline, then move in for the kill! whoever gets the other one on the ground first is the proclaimed winner. And there are rules to this, ones they made themselves. No hitting, throwing or bouncing and a couple I cant quite get.

There are lots of firsts in our lives at the moment. Today we are going to see 'The Lion King' theatre production. Bought tickets ages ago and today was the first open slot they had. I am excited and just hopes that e will manage to sit through it and enjoy it. He has been to the movies a couple of times, but never the theatre. Next week is his first school outing, they are going by public transport and he is sooo excited about riding in the bus. Nevermind his mothers heart beating in her throat to have her little precious going to the zoo with public transport. And in the first week of September he has his first sports day at school, he is in team Impala and have to dress in the team colours of red and white. Where did the time go?

All About A Boy

This is one of my most favourite recent pictures of E. For me, it just captures what boys are all about


Young man E stealing all the hearts at my friend's wedding in April. I can only now start to look at the couple of pictures I took during that holiday

That Time of the Year Again

It was parent teacher conference time at E's school. I was curious to find out how my little boy has adapted to the new school and whether he is showing any signs of stress from the recent changes at home. I have spoken to the teachers often, just quickly before class and they always assured me that he is doing fine, so I was not really worried.

The set up in E's classroom is a head directress, two assitent directresses and a helper. I got talked to and interviewed by all three the teachers. I felt like it was a panel interview for an important job, and maybe it was?

It was very reassuring talking to them, hearing that my kid is a well adjusted, friendly little boy. Everybody likes him very much. They made very similar comments to the first school he was at. Unbelievable concentration span, good development of spatial/visual discrimination. And they picked up on his fetish to count things, everything, all the time. He does this at home as well. He loves working in the science section and always plays with the magnets. At home we have a couple of magnet sets as well and he is always building things with those. He has not established a dominant hand as yet and can draw, cut, colour and build with both hands equally. Apparently he is starting to relate stories to them, which I am very happy about as his language development has always concerned me a little bit. He is not the youngest in the class anymore and loves helping other children to pack up their work and tidy the class.

They were very surprised when I told them that he has quite the temper, not sure they believed me! I got the name of an experienced family psychologist and play therapist. I am going to see her at the end of the month, just to talk about him and find out what are the little things I must watch out for in terms of his development and potential stress from the divorce.

The Dinner

It was a short flight and I landed in tropical weather at about 11:00. I made my grand entrance onto foreign soil by falling down the stairs at the airport door. As I tried to gather my belongings and my dignity, a very nice portugese speaking black man approached and relieved me of most of my luggage. Looking up, I saw this rather imposing figure behind him, smiling, just before he drew this rather disheveled african girl dressed in camo pants into a typical meditareanean embrace.

We spend most of the afternoon at his restaurant, drinking local beer, eating seafood and chatting away. It does not feel like I have just met him, and we tease each other incessantly. Much later, as it started to get cold and dark, we went back to his apartment (where I stayed), sat on the balcony, smoked cigars and had some good scotch. He got a bit amoreous but I backed out and shortly after fell asleep on the couch.....duh, to be woken hours later with a 'babes, would you care to join me for dinner?'. After all, this was the whole idea, yes? Working 15 hour days for more than a week non stop made for a bit of a tired guest.

I went to bed shortly after dinner. I know...terrible. He was such a good host though, sensitive for what I needed and mature enough to give me space a whole lot of emotional support. Sunday we went for a very energetic walk around town, a good three hours or so. Back home, we relaxed with classical music, had lunch, slept some more on the couch, watched tv and were comfortable together like we have know each other for years. It was quite freaky.

So now I am back home and I have gained a friend. I am not sure what he thinks of his date, but I am well rested!

Dream with me, tonight

I have just assumed that MSV (Maple syrup voice) is a terrible womanizer. Not caring too much about it as I do not have any expectations about this, I was caught for a six yesterday morning. He sends me a message on Tuesday night murmuring that I must 'dream with him this night' and I chose to ignore it. Simply because it got my heart rate up to about 140 miles an hour and I did not want to react like a love struck teenager. Early the next morning another follows in the first's footsteps, which are also ignored. Partly because I have a big presentation with scary government officials and partly because my heart rate has not slowed down from the previous message.

It was not long before I got the call. Water over pebbles, thick Mediterranean accent wanting to know if 'my girrrrl is ookey, why you do not return any messagches?' I throw the lame excuse that I am terrified of the presentation and was not quite focused on his attentions (yeah right, I am hiding from you, can't you see). He reassuringly murmurs that I must just come to him and he will sort anyone out that just looks potentially threatening.

I am left breathless...again.

Dinner invitation

I have accepted a dinner invitation with maple syrup voice.....to do that, I have to fly to another country. My flight leaves on Saturday morning, early. Dinner will be home cooked, at his beach house. He refers to his driver, his security and his housekeeper like everybody has those.........I am totally intrigued. We even had a loud disagreement the other night (my first with the opposite sex ever!).

I have a feeling we are both a bit loud, determined and over the top, not sure. Last night he wanted to know if I want to sleep in the/his? hotel, or his apartment. In my own room of course...lol.

I am drawn like a moth to an open flame.

Emerging woman

So with my usual panache to find the most practical solution to a difficult emotional problem, I decided to sign up on a dating website. Yes, a dating website. I even posted this picture. I kid you not, it has been a week and I am at the TOP of the favourite charts. I cannot believe it, who would have known?? Really nice men too, that are talking to me. I am fully aware that this is not real and all the nice things they are saying are probably mass produced and send to five different women. But it does not matter at all. It has given me something that I have lost. I feel far more socially acceptable and desirable than what I have felt for years. I never realized, but these things are important for a soul’s wellbeing. The woman in me got so shriveled up and dried out that the mother and consultant totally took her over.

I must be honest, I am not really looking for a relationship but it is a whole lot of fun. And I did meet this really really really nice man. I think I like him too much, he is of Mediterranean descend and his voice sounds like maple syrup. Ahhh it has done me good.