There are still nice people in this world

As the saying goes, it never rains it pours.

My car was due to get new shocks and other minor repairs yesterday before we go on our long drive today. So on the way to the workshop I notice a new sound, well really an overwelming noice that reminded me of driving my grandfather's tractor. And the loss of power. So as my little car tututututut up the hill in peak traffic to E's school I was wondering if this new addition to her list of ailments are cause of concern.

An hour later at the workshop the mechanic comes to me with the kind of face that I would imagine a doctor to have when they deliver the terminal illness diagnosis to close family members. Since the workshop refers to me as 'the girl that do not have any money' (I have no idea how that impression was created, maybe something to do with my broken knee jeans and 10 year old little skedonk with the child seat in the rear) they always feel sorry for me when I bring my little car in and I always take advantage of that. You get discount on labour and they shop around for better prices. So 'the face' was worrisome as this happen to be an expensive month already and I worked very few hours in May.

'Sorry Mam, but your head cylinder gasket has blown' sounds like greek to me so I asked for the explanation. In short it means a whole lot of money, and I will only get my car back the earliest on Thursday afternoon. This will never do as my meeting is on Thursday morning and I am going to the game reserve..dammit.

As I lament my miserable bad luck and the fact that I will not, will not, will not phone Phil to help me out a girlfriend phones and immediately picks up on my emotional state. I cry in her ear and she listens with the attention just a woman can give you, and ten minutes later phones back to say that I must stop crying, she will bring me her car and I better get my bag packed and my camera ready as she does not want to see me again before Sunday night!!

I cried again, just because I could

I have been really teary lately

I found out last week that Phil never changed his ways - that he has been having an affair with another girl for at least four months. Not only that, he has double dated her with the previous affair from two years ago.

This has opened the proverbial floodgate of tears in me. I have been crying on and off for days now. I have so much pressure at work at the moment and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry my little heart out.

I am leaving to go to site tomorrow. Elrich will come with me and on Friday we are going camping with my cousin in the Kruger National Park. In a wilderness hut, far removed from the tourists and beaten track. I think I will take my camera and just become quiet for a day or two. Peace in the bushveld

A day in my life

Momma, ek het my broek nat te piepie….it is still pitch dark outside. The whimpering little voice is coming from right next to me. Right next to me! Oh no, that means my bed is soaking wet. My fingers move gingerly over to locate the body…feel around, yip, confirmed, everything soaked. Oi

I just pull the whole lot off his body, bundle the cold wet little legs against me and wish for time to stand still and us to doze of again. Not a chance. My nose gets pulled, ears rubbed, cheeks licked. The last one I cannot stand and with a sigh the covers are thrown back and a tired, stiff body expelled from the heat (been horse riding again lately).

An hour later and the kid is fed, clothed and cleaned up, we are on our way to school. I am still in my pajamas…who will notice? The plan is to bath and dress in time for my eleven o’clock meeting. I was so tired the previous night that I did not work on any of the stuff I was suppose to work on over the weekend – procrastination, my best friend.

The phone does not stop ringing, this is in itself a challenge as I have to run around with the ringing thing in my hand to try and locate a signal strong enough to answer it….a bit like a metal detector, the never ending search for connection. This scenario is repeated numerous times before eleven, once with the laptop in hand as well. Only problem was that the spot with the best signal also had the most sunlight and I could not read the numbers on the screen.

At last, I get away, late but not miserably so for the 11:00 o’clock. On my way there I land in one of SA most high tech environments. The scanning of number plates to see if you have any outstanding traffic fines or warrants for your arrest. I get pulled over. A very friendly officer asks for my driver’s license. With trepidation the little card gets handed over. She returns shortly with a long list of offenses, all for September 2005 and all on the same stretch of road where I was traveling 95 in an 80 zone. A R 1000.00 bucks later I am on my way home, the client was not even available and forgot to let me know he has to go out to the mining site. I promise to phone the next day to reschedule.

Back home/office I am doing washing, searching for signal, writing up reports and trying to decipher complicated mining business models. And in the back of my head I have this little refrain ..stupid fucking asshole, stupid fucking asshole……I just hope I do not answer my phone with the first words that comes into my head.

Tips for South African Mothers

I received this in my inbox today:

Safety Hints and Tips from the NHPA:

1 If at any time you have to open the gate yourself, switch off the vehicle, leave the key in the ignition and close the door. Then open the gate.
2 If you have small children in the vehicle, take the key with you (this is the only exception). You then need the key as a “negotiating tool”. The perpetrators want your vehicle and you want your children.
3 If your children are older, it is advised that they exit the vehicle with you when opening the gate so that you are all separated from the vehicle should a hijack occur.
4 Check rear-view mirror to ensure you are not being followed.
5 When exiting your vehicle, be cautious and aware of surrounding obstructions and shrubbery that may be concealing a hijacker.
6 Never sit in your parked vehicle without being conscious of your surroundings. Sleeping in a stationary vehicle is particularly dangerous.
7 When approaching your driveway, be on the lookout for suspicious vehicles / persons. This is very important as the majority of hijackers approach their victims in home driveways.
8 Inspect the outside and inside of the vehicle before unlocking. (Tyre, number plate, other side of the vehicle – as explained during the hijack prevention & survival course)
9 Know your destination and directions to it; and be alert should you get lost.
10 Always drive with your windows closed and doors locked.

Now why does this just not seem right to me?

A staircase into myself

I am standing at the top of a staircase, at the countdown I walk into myself. Getting younger and younger with every step. At the bottom I become ageless. Drifting and floating, just a consciousness.

The words are pictures.

Some tie my stomach in an anxious knot, others let me drift and flow. I am send twirling through dreamscapes, I relive unknown memories, I visit vividly strange spaces.

In this bodyless place my mind is huge. It is a light. It shines in all directions.

My age.....infinate

When will it happen?

I keep waiting for the penny to drop

That proverbial emotional breakdown.

All I feel is relief

It is tinged with sadness, but a sadness that a future I so strongly believed in was really my fantasy. It had no foundation in reality. I can see that now.

Just not good enough

It has started already.

I cannot do anything right. 'No momma, you do not say Elrich like this, it must be like thiiiss 'EL-ric'. No point in arguing that one, I have tried, just change the subject and ask him how school was today. Got told to please not talk to him as he does not feel like talking to me. 'Ok then' I said, just to hear 'Mommy, I said, dont talk to me! Ok?' This is a problem, see, cause what do I answer? Ok...then I am in trouble again. If I dont say anything, the whining from the back of the car will not stop...Oh well, nearly home I think.

A loud coughing fit in the back, so I peek in the rearview mirror, and ask him if he is ok. 'I am just having a bad hoes (cough) he says.' As is my habit, I repeat the whole sentence to him in afrikaans, with a question mark at the end. And get lectured for ten minutes because I did not pronounce 'hoes' with the correct emphasis, according to the linguist, EL-ric.

And I wonder, what will it be like when he is a wise-guy 10 year old?

Yellow Creamed Life

Why do we always want to skim our milk? I am starting to see that the celebration is in the cream. Thick yellow cream. Right were we are, right now. Everything is beautiful.

Yes, it was not the plan, but the future is endless. I am learning about me, so much. Just of late I have met me, a woman. For the longest time she was a little girl. Safe(not) in the love(?) of her teenage hero, who never existed. It was all a dream, a fantasy.....and of late, a horrible nightmare, of endless emotional circles, circles, circles.

I have swop the knot of anxiety on the pit of my stomach for a feeling of eager anticipation. I think LIFE is about to happen.

Yesterday was a really bad day

So I indulged myself and watched tear jerkers all day, crying and laughing. It was raw but it was honest. I slept deeply all night. First thing this morning I let varsity know I cannot possibly lecture today and then phoned my old riding coach.

It is just all about me, Yes?

Transient Woman

No history
Adrift on a sea of possibility
Me

Pappa Come Back

Were the words my little boy were crying out in his sleep last night. It broke my heart.

We are all settled into our new little home. It is very nice and friendly I must say. All kitted out with brand new kitchen utensils and cutlery. I love the countryside and the setting is perfect for us. E has the big garden I always wanted for him and three friends that entertained him all of yesterday. Horses to calm my nerves and the silence at night is amazing. Frogs and crickets instead of sirens, helicopters and dogs barking incessantly.

Our new home is spacious and comfortable and I am gonna make it slightly quirky as I make it mine. A new identity. One that reflects me and who I am as a woman, a mother and an entrepeneur. It is exciting.

What I learned today

I was not being a hero, I was a victim.

I went to see the same psychotherapist that Phil has been to a couple of times. It took a burden of my back. She is wonderful, and I love her. She brought so many things into perspective for me. And we were not talking about Phil or the marriage at all. She just led me to quietly discover things about myself. Like the fact that I felt subconsciously that Phil was my ticket into being a socially acceptable person. A left-over insecurity from an awkward teenage girlchild that just did not belong anywhere. No, it was not her words at all, she asked me why I thought I loved him and why did I stick with him. And I looked at her and said those words and they had the clear ring of truth - but I have never before consciously thought about it like that. For the longest time, I have been the social butterfly and friend keeper in the house, not Phil. So I thought I was totally over that.

She really thinks it is the best thing for me to move out - me leaving the house, leaving the mess behind and starting new. She suggested that the environment in which I have been for the last six or more years has been really emotionally abusive and unhealthy and that I need to take control back of me, my life, future and emotions. She is working with Phil as well, so she has some insights - did not discuss him at all, just knew what type of questions to ask. She did not suggest we get divorced at all, just that we need to give it a long long long time. I am truly at peace and excited to have my own little place.

Phil and I agreed tonight that he needs to pay the money back to me that I used to pay his debt. He needs to take responsibility for his own mistakes.

Finding my Future

Dory's little voice has been in my head all day

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swim, swim, swim" as she and Marlin descends into the dark abyss

It was all a lie

So we are back from our holiday. I am moving into my own place on Saturday. All I have to say is that a girl should always trust her intuition