Parenting in the 'after' life

Parenting in itself is a challenge. It becomes a grueling test of emotional endurance when it is done from two separate homes. More so if the parents are respectful to one another and their child. The continuous confrontation with the failure of your marriage taking centre stage as you struggle together to decide the best way forward for your child. The child that is the fruit of a passion and a future once shared. It is hard severing those ties that bind; it is hard to walk separate roads together.

Together we sat this morning at the child psychologist, listening to her and one another as we discussed our experiences with Elrich. A kid that goes from an independent, confident thinker to an anxious vulnerable little boy in less time than it takes you to say his name. We will start with play therapy on Monday, for four weeks, after which we will have a feedback and way forward session. In the mean time we just acknowledge his emotions, journal his behavior and continue to love and support him in our own special ways.

Dinner table chatter

So amidst the 'just have two more spoonfulls then you can get some ice cream' talks around dinner tonight
E looks at my shyly and says
'Mom, Lesedi's going to kiss me tomorrow'
Oh, I said, who is Lesedi?
She is a gel mom !!
Where will she kiss you, I ask
On the grass mom - getting exasperated with this silly mother
Yes, but where will she kiss you, I ask again
He whispers - on the lips, mom

Careful what you wish for

You might just get it when you least expect it, and don't feel ready for it.

This is a very common scene in my little cottage these days. My two brats racing with 'Lightning McQueen' with their caps turned backwards so they can be more aerodynamic ;-P. The two boys are crazy about one another and I cannot speak to John on the phone without giving E at least five minutes of airtime as well.

Being looked after

For the first time in my life, I am being cared for. On a level I have never experienced or understood as an adult woman. Sometimes it is a little clausterphobic, but for the most part, it has made me realise how empty my life has been up to now. It has also taught me a little bit about caring for others.

The wisdom of our own souls

So yesterday I got to put all my beautiful memories
in a box for safekeeping
I thanked Phil's soul for giving me those memories
I forgave him for the lies, deceit and hurt that followed
then I released him to fulfill his destiny

For me, I needed forgiveness for submitting to his shit for so long
honor for trying to keep a family together
and release to grow into the person I am destined to be

aaah the peace I feel today.

No Winners in this One

Yayy we are going swimming is what E was singing all the way to the pool yesterday. Until we had to put his costume on and he told me he does not want to swim. I thought he was just being silly so I said to him he has to swim as we are here at the pool. Nope, he says. Ok, I said..lets go home (my first tactical mistake) as he normally changes his opinion the moment I give in to his silly demands. So I left, with him screaming after me, no mom don’t go, don’t go! So I picked him up to take him back into the change room to change him, just to have a screaming kicking tantrum. I admit, I lost my cool and just changed him, and then I walked out the door. With E running after and screaming at the top of his voice, so I keep walking and walking (a room full of children staring at us horrified at the transformation), E catches up just as I am about to go down the stairs, and i just keep walking, so he falls down, bouncing and bumping on his legs and bum. At the bottom I notice the little kid is naked.

So I sat down, picked him into my lap and we cuddled for a bit. I put his costume back on and told him that it is ok, no swimming but we will watch the children swim with him sitting in my lap. That was ok, for a second or two, until he started whining to put his clothes on. I told him that if he wants his clothes on that is fine but he must dress himself. That was cause for another tantrum as I must do it. A task he has happily been doing himself for more than a year. I said no way, you do it yourself. Another bout of whining, tantrums, screams. So I picked him up, and walked out of there. We are going home, to which he screamed, no momma I don’t want to go home, I want to sit on your lap and watch the children!!

You have two changes buddy and they are both gone, so I strapped him in his car seat, and went home, all the while listening to him screaming, begging shouting and tantrumming that he wants to go back to the pool to watch the children. I just put the radio on louder and louder, him screaming louder and louder. It is peak traffic, with taxis, hooters and cars everywhere. We are in a crazy screaming time capsule with the radio blearing.

When i got home I unlocked the house before I went to undo E's car seat. That done I wanted to pick him up and he would not come to me. So I just left him in the car as he is big enough to get out by himself. Another screaming tantrum with me walking into the house. Where I sat down on my new chair e running in screaming grabbing my arm and telling me to go back to the car as he wants to get in his car seat so I can pick him up. No way, not a chance I tell him. I am tired and I am home, if he wants to he can sit on my lap and I will hold him as much as he wants but I am NOT going back to the car so he can get in his car seat so I can pick him up.

Ten minutes later and he decides that he now wants to get dressed, I said fine get dressed. No mom, you must help me - so I did. As I am helping him to put his pants on, he looks at me from under those eyelashes with the most mischievous little look you can imagine. I start laughing, he starts giggling then laughing. Telling me, but mom it was all just a joke, it was just a joke. An hour and half of screaming and tantrums, in front of lots of people and he tells me it was just a joke?? I picked him up, hugged him. Told him I was so sorry I lost my cool at the pool and let him fall down the stairs. He told me he was sorry he screamed, and we both agreed we love each other very very much. So then when we cooked dinner together, had some fruit salad, played some board games, bathed, more board games and tucked into bed.

Cutting the ties that bind

One of my coping strategies last year was to imagine my emotional ties to Phil cut off, fluttering in the wind. Red ribbons just fluttering in the wind. I always had his face in mind when I did this. I do not feel any attachments to Phil and to tell the truth, I do not like him very much. I could not understand why I could not let go of him, why I was so stuck between moving forward and not letting go of the past.

During my therapy session on Friday the psychotherapist asked me to 'see' Phil. The man my subconscious called up was Phil, not as he looks now, but the young man I married. It was the hardest thing I have had to do, pushing that young man away, far and away until he disappeared into nothingness.