It is confirmed

E is going to become a big brother. The new baby boy will be born in April.

I am still giggling about this. I cannot help but remember the sessions we had in marriage councelling where Phil very clearly stated that he just does not feel like the commitments of fatherhood and why should he sacrifice his immediate carnal desires to be a loving and supportive husband? How could his wife expect that of him?

I have it on good authority that nothing has changed. That he still runs away from wife and house on a regular basis. That he has told the girlfriend that he just needs to get away from her and everything a bit every now and again. To hang out with his mates at odd places and do things he never talks to anyone about. I am so glad/relieved/ elated that I am not part of that crazy ride. I do feel sorry for the girlfriend though.

I wonder how E will react to the news, when his father plucks up the courage to tell him. He has to do it and soon, I am sure reference will be made more and more often to the new baby... and besides, the girl is very obviously pregnant.

Mom, is your heart angry or sad ?

Babes, my heart is nothing

What do you mean your heart is nothing?
How can your heart be nothing?
If your heart is nothing, then you are nothing
and then I do not have a mom!

What kind of work?

Teeaaam work....that is the moto in our little house. E helps me by setting the table, washing up (sometimes), cleaning his room (tidy, vacuum and mop ;-) and looking after himself aka dressing, bathing, brushing and wiping. I know the quality control is sometimes lacking, but hey...we will get there.

A couple of action shots

Getting all ready at the cycle race the other day

Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)


And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.


What a shot!

A southern perspective

I cannot help myself. I find the current political regime in the US of A amusing. Africa was always the deep dark black continent. A hole in the map. Even academics in the North tend to group all of us together....as Africa. Heck, even South Africans are guilty of this referral to Africa as a homogenous continent. With just one fate; oblivion, mass poverty and corruption.

And now, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, hails from Africa. With roots outside western dogma, western religion and a western mind set. Yes, he is American. I do not doubt that for a second. But still - he is not as American as the previous regime. He at least knows that Africa is a continent and not a country.

But not only that, now I really can laugh at racist comments in SA. People criticizing the South African government based on the racial make up will have to think twice. Further, the bar has been raised for our government. No longer is it ok to hide behind their race either. There is a man walking in the front, a man obviously different looking from his predecessors. A man not part of the family of presidents that went before him. A fresh breath. I wonder what that will mean for foreign policy, xenophobia in America, tolerance of difference. But I also wonder if he will live to see through his term. If he will have the support and strength of character to unite a divided nation. To catch that ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (nation?)

So mom, tell me

how are you today?

Is what my little guy wanted to know on the way home from school. So I told him I am absolutely splendid. I am healthy, I am with him and everything looks nice to me. And how are you my boy?

I am terrible, he says

Oh, why ever then?

Because Manno just cries at school and eats food from the floor and that is just disgusting. I dont want anybody to be friends with him.

I feel like curling up

and crying my heart out.

Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê

This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me

The greek philosopher retained his sense of humour

and told me last night that his new slogan is

If you are alive, why worry about it?

It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'

mmmm Yes please

For nearly a year I have been a rather recalcitrant and sometimes reluctant girlfriend. Most of our disagreements and moments have been because I push him away from me emotionally. But now, he is lying in ICU in hospital, seriously sick from a surprise heart attack and all I want to do is curl up on his lap and feel him stroke my hair. Kissing my brow, telling me that if we just enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

A couple of firsts

Today E participated in the 3 - 4 year old category for the Pick A Pay Cycle race and it was very 'scary' and 'exciting' all at once. After looking forward to it for the whole week and sitting on his bicycle ready to go from 8 this morning, we nearly left the starting point as he was just too overwhelmed by the crowd and the atmosphere to continue. Some reassurance and a promise I will hold him all the way and we were ready to roll. It went surprisingly well. We did not fall off or bump into anyone and did not get bumped into either. And he made it all the way to the end to get his medal, juice and chocolate.

Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p

Like a sponge they say

I know that a young child's mind is like a sponge, absorbing everything around them and more often than not, they learn the stuff you don't want them to know, long before they learn what you are trying to teach them.

We have been working on and off on letter recognition for a while now and I must admit, not with much success. E seems to recognise certain words easily but not all the letters consistently in an alphabetical or any random order for that matter. He loves playing the I-spie game though and are really good at coming up with different words that start with the same letter. Lately he has been asking me to read labels and names of things to him and I have invited him to read it with me. To great success.

A while ago I bought a couple of first level reader books for E but we have never had the opportunity to work through them and tonight I decided to pull the little first level book from the shelve and encouraged E to read it to me. Which he did. I must admit, I am quite surprised but also very very proud of the little man.

Knotted up

I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.