Introducing Adin

So we went yesterday to welcome the new baby into the family. I was very teary before we left but John came with and by the time we got to the hostipal (as E says) I was ok. E bought his brother a little present and wrote him a little card. Unfortunately I did not take a picture of the little letter but it read 'hady birth Adin, Elrich' in this beautiful scrawl all across the paper.

E was a bit shy with all the attention and people but I think he will be fine and he is very proud to at long last be a big brother.

I am ok, I am just really more confused than ever.

Ok I will admit it

The pending birth of the new baby is really messing with my emotions
I keep thinking
Why could we not have this?
How is what he has now, so much better than what we had as a couple?

I know the answer to that is probably
that it is not better at all
but that I am better of with what I have now
as I am not an emotionally isolated wife
waiting for her husband to come home

but still
this is hurting me

It is all about choices, I know

So when faced with this new dilemma in my life called Elrich's baby brother, it was time for introspection again. When I got over the fact that I was the one that wanted another kid, and now Phil is going to have another one - what did I say about my perception that he is living our/my dreams? Incidentally, he never bought that property (but I am getting sidetracked here)

How to approach this? What do I want? Are we going to be awkward about this for the rest of our lives, how will we (Elrich and me and Phil and Thersia, because face it, she is part of this family now as well) deal with this baby brother?

Oi

Then the opportunity was created, in no other place than the local Medical clinic. Where I spend all of Thursday with the doctors, trying to figure out exactly what was brewing in my brain. As I emerged from the physio therapist, I got a weak little hello from just behind my left shoulder. And who was sitting there sheepishly? None other than Phil. Yes, he was sick as well, similar symptoms as me, but not quite as severe and not as whacky, except that he had a rash to add to his ailments (getting side tracked again…maybe my brain did get infected?) so we exchanged a couple of words and I went down to the pharmacy to pick up my script and there we talked some more. So much so that I suggested we sit down for a cup of coffee at a local restaurant.

We talked about this, and that, some business and so on. And right at the end I told him that I want him to know that I have thought about this baby and him and Thersia and I have decided that they are all welcome in my house. That we will just be an extended family, that I want E to grow up with his brother, that we must be comfortable going to the kiddies birthday parties and that I know they are not a match made in heaven. But that I wish them happiness in any case and whether they are together as a couple going forward or not, his kid(s) will still be welcome in my house. And that I want us to create as normal and loving environment as possible for all the children involved. He agreed with me, which is not surprising as he has always agreed with me ;-) but he did make one additional gesture, he invited me to Thersia’s birthday party the 20^th of December at his house, which will double as a Christmas party for the family and family friends and all the children. So I accepted. And then today when they came to fetch E, they dropped a poster counting down the days to the birth of the little tyke – due date 16^th of April. I will mount it in E’s room and dutifully stick stickers on it.

For the life of me, I cannot remember the little guy’s name, but it does sound something like Dolphin but spelled along the lines of Dhaol Finn (really not sure about the spelling as Phil did it over the phone and by that stage I was trying to not burst out laughing)

Knotted up

I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.

On the map!

So today I got my very own postbox!!
I am seriously impressed with myself. Believe it or not, but it is a huge step forward in taking my life back.

WOOOHOOO!!!!

Living 'our' dreams

Phil seems to be living all the dreams I thought we shared
then last year I realised they were my fantasies
but now I am so confused
As he is living with a girlfriend
buying a house
settling down

I thought that is what we wanted together
then I thought that it must have been what only I wanted
and he wanted to just be playing around
but now this

it is hurting all over again

Please mom

Just kiss daddy
Just for once
He loves you

Maybe just maybe

I am moving on a little bit ;-p
After another week of feeling sore and forelorn and wishing everything was different
I woke up today with a song in my heart
and a glint in my eye
a desire to live and love and be loved

I believe this is kind of a cycle I will probably go through for a while yet to come but I am so fortunate because I have been granted a close friend with big arms and a generous heart to help me through all of this.

Its my Party and I'll Slide if I want to

So my little guy is just about to turn four years old. I decided to host his party this weekend past, because my parents are here, it is just before his actual birthdate and we are going camping next weekend.

After some soul searching and deliberation, I decided to host it at my place, to invite his dad, his dad's family, joint friends of ours and my family. All the people that would have been there if we did not get a divorce last year. Now whether that is me holding onto the past or me wanting my kid to have all the significant others at his birthday, I am not sure. But the end result was a wonderful party, everyone from the youngest child to the oldest adult had a lot of fun and the guests were here from 11 in the morning until nearly eight that night.

It left me in a shocking emotional state - I am so stuck in the middle between not being able to move on and not going back, it is not even funny. But that is a whole new post. I am starting counceling again tomorrow.

The waterslide was such a hit, far more succesful than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams and everyone had a load of bubbly fun on the thing! Look at my little olive skinned boy, his colouring sure takes after daddy's family
I ordered E a Spiderman Ice Cream Cake, but the lady made a mistake with the delivery date, so plan B was an absolutely delicious Tiramisu Cake! Oh well at least he could blow out candles and I could give the people some cake to eat!


All the little ones eagerly awaiting the cake to be cut!

Message from a Friend

Don't allow sentimentality to hold your emotions hostage

O my, how profound is that? It so hit the nail on the head. And now I understand the weird emotional space I have been in lately. The more fun I am having with John, the more I am missing Phil. Weird, yes? I think it is not too different from the stage I went through just after Nè Dean died, where I could not do any of the things we used to do together. Holding onto the past, a past that was forever gone.

When I actioned the divorce I did it because I believed that my marriage was dead, beyond resurrection. I still believe that, so it is the same as if he died. There is no going back, it simply is not an option. All I have to do, is to let go of the past, and embrace my future.

Introducing John

Uhuh So I swore after Phil I will lock myself in a closet and never get involved with another male again. For at least then the next 10 years.....I am still very skittish, but I need and want a friend. A real friend, somebody that I can have fun with, trust, can be my silly self and not be frowned upon. I always imagined a future fictional partner to be a professional somebody or another, maybe in the mining industry or economy. A mentor and buddy. Instead I found John, or rather John found me. He is very Greek, scraped through school, been through some of the toughest courses in the university of life and survived. But he is real, he understands how life works and best of all he knows exactly what he wants and where he is going.

So:
My friend - definately, we know how to have fun when we are together
My lover - you better believe it, we steam the windows up
My mentor - it is unbelieveable how much we are learning from one another
My partner - not sure, too scared to even think about the future
A gift - most certainly, I think sometimes the universe smiles on her children and gift us with the most unexpected

The world is just such a strange place right now

E did not want to go to school today, he would have gone anywhere else but not to school, my home, his daddy's house, oupa - but please mom, I dont want to go to school! he was crying and clinging to me as they pried him from my arms

My close friend got hijacked yesterday. They held a gun to her head as they made her lie face down on the brick drive way. Then they manhandled her as they stole all her jewelry from her body. Fortunately she did not get really hurt

There is a man that wants to give me everything I have ever wanted with Phil. I am not even close to ready to let him into my life. It is really weird though as I have such a strong desire at the moment to be part of a happy family, have more children, have somebody come home to me and love me. Feel emotionally secure in the knowledge that we are a little unit that will face life together.

It is conversations like this that really gets to me

Mom, you do NOT have your own house
Yes baby we do, remember we have our new house that is for mommy and Elrich
No you dont, you must go and live with daddy
but baby, we cant do that, we have our own house and we must stay there
No mom, you must go and live with daddy for a looooong time
Why must I live with daddy?
Because you love him
But baby I love you very much
Yes, you love me, but you also love daddy, that is why. You love both me and daddy and you must go and stay with him for a long time

I am in a really bad place right now

I so wish I could turn the clock back
I wish Phil would have made better decisions
So we could still be a family

Work has really slowed down for me
to a trickle
I know it is the beginning of the year
and it will start up again soon
but i really dont have the energy to do anything about it
I have names and numbers to call for business
but I am too scared that they will say
NO

I think if they do, I will just curl up and cry

It is all a process

I still miss him
My body sometimes aches for his touch
I have vivid dreams of us doing fun things together

but at least
I dont wait for him to come home at night

What I received in my inbox last night

hi darling
i am in holiday in tunisia at home
i want to see you again i miss you it s possible to come to cherating 50% discount i will be very happy to see you againt thing abaout i thing a lot of you kiss s

Did I mention we had a slight problem with understanding each other? At least when he writes you dont have to try and figure the accent out as well. Sadly I dont think I will be visiting anytime soon, if ever.

Diving right in

Standing in the icy cold crystal clear waters of Breyton Beach Knysna, my new years resolution came to me....don't be too scared of extreme sensations - just dive right into life.

It was refreshing

It still is

With a lot of the firsts behind me, I am feeling renewed and ready for 2008
December was one long journey into and through myself
a lot of time was spend in introspection
and more time even on doing nothing
It was needed and wonderful

Our first Christmas tree

Our first family day christmas celebrations with daddy's family
And our first family christmas day spend with mommy's family
The young man did not mind at all as he was spoiled with so many presents he thinks it should be christmas again tomorrow.

So things that are on the cards for me for this year is:
Getting out of my comfy corner and to get going with my business
Getting my foot in the door with the property market
Not to be scared to love and be loved, even if it does not last for forever
To always remember that my kid is the child of two loving parents and that we must make decisions that will keep him secure in that

Crawling my way out

So yesterday was another first
Wedding (non)anniversary
I was so depressed
I missed him so much
Why do I still want us to be together?

I know it will never work
I will be isolated
emotionally dead
but still

Today I rode two horses
tonight I am going for a dinner date
tomorrow I will celebrate summer

I can only go forward

A little rest and romance

Malaysia was beautiful, restful and......sad. I missed my family, all of it, so much. I kept on thinking how much fun the three of us would have had if we were all together. But it was not to be.

Instead I slept a lot, started each day with Yoga on the beach, then fruits for breakfast. Lying around at the pool, walking on the beach, drinking cocktails on the loungers, going for Balinese massages and yes......hooking up with a beautiful man from Tunisia. We had a bit of a language barrier as his is French but I did find out that sometimes words are over rated.

All in all a very fine holiday indeed