On tenderness

Can I say that our holiday gave us a wonderful break from the reality of every day life? Spending time in this paradise can be nothing short of idilic, don't you think?

Our bathroom

and at candlelight

Where you can laze in the privacy of your own private patio, listening to birdsong and river sounds

And get so close to the wildlife that you can almost reach out and touch the animals.

We had to search long and hard to find this male lion as the reserve is 26,000 hectares in size and they are free to roam at will.

But after a six hour drive we arrived exhausted, irritable and sick (John) so after a rather unpleasant and emotional afternoon and early night, we returned home the next day. Fortunately for our relationship, we were stuck in the same car for the journey home. Forcing us to haltingly talk about the real issues at hand.

Like my seemingly lack of tenderness and extreme difficulty I have to feel and show love towards John. My immediate emotional withdrawal at the first sign of either conflict or emotional need. Two extreme emotions that are part of the same coin, I believe. John's passive aggressive response to me whenever I say or do something he does not like. The need we both have to be emotionally close to each other, but the difficulty we experience in maintaining that closeness in any stressfull situation.

But we want to be together....he is such an emotionally intuitive man that are prepared to talk about his emotions, comment on mine and put himself on the line for a future where our relationship needs are met. So we have decided to go for some councelling, together as a couple, but also as individuals.

John is quite the wordsmith

A poem that appeared in my inbox yesterday

Die Meisiekind

She's cheeky as hell
But cute as well
She's sexy and smart
And has a good heart
My lover and friend
the perfect blend.
She can make me mad
but never sad.
xxxx

To conclude a weekend in which we both expressed our need to have a loving relationship, rather than just co-excisting in the mad rush of life.

Boys will be boys

Having fun on the small holding

E said to me this weekend
I wish, I wish upon a star
that all the baddies goes away
and we have our bakkie back
and everything is back to normal

we are all taking a bit of strain with this car thing at the moment

It is about all the S'ss

At Salt Rock, we are enjoying the sea, sand, sun, sex, sleep, strolling and slow meals.It is beautiful and very relaxing

The view from our hotel balcony

Taking a walk down to the beach just as the sun rose through the palm trees

Oh, how I love early mornings at the sea

Has it been a month already?

I cannot believe it is more than a month since I last did a blog entry. Sheesh, all of August gone in the blink of an eye. So what have we been up to down South?

Working and traveling, mothering and building relationships.

It is fun living in South Africa let me tell you, this truly is the land of opportunity. Providing you manage to keep your sense of humour and your eyes on your surroundings.

On working:
So we got the opportunity to demo at another really big mining operation, this time totally out of our experience as the client is very influential in the building industry as well and the commodity is low cost high volume as oppose to the high cost low volume of the platinum industry. To prepare properly I had to work right through the night at Phil's house (this is a post all by itself) and by 9:00 the next morning, just a couple of hours before the demo, our laptop packs up without warning. I phone the client to try and postpone the meeting but alas, she secured the attendance of a couple of their executive and to postpone on such short notice is just not possible. So we packed up the server and two other support laptops and turned their boardroom into an IT showroom.

All was well until one of the managers questioned the integrity of a company working in transformation that has no ownership representation from the black African community. How to explain to this woman in her highly paid position that our company is newly formed and we cannot even pay ourselves a salary, let alone support additional people? I did not even try to defend us, it just left a bad taste in my mouth and definitely made me decide that building relationships with the smaller operations is time better spend.

On traveling:
My parents, Elrich and myself went back home for the first week in September. Now in the South African context,' home' is not necessarily where your furniture is. Home is your roots, it is manifested in the acceleration of your heartbeat when you smell and hear your childhood sounds. The humid green of North Zululand forests, the sting of sea-sand on your ankles, little round faced children waving and mothers whispering 'Sawubona' as you inspect their handicraft. Night jars and bush-babies competing with each other all night long, the elegant dance of a wild Nyala bull and the heart stopping cry of a fish eagle as it flies over the Hluhluwe river. This is my country, this is my soul.

It was a nostalgic experience for me, taking E to a place where my memories are filled with scenes from my childhood, and as a teenager laughing and sharing a carefree existence with Phil as we played in the waves and listened to the night sounds together. Sometimes I got a bit caught in a time warp but never did I want the ‘now’ to change. I am very happy with my life and I can truly say that I have moved on emotionally - that I am living a new reality.

On Mothering;
Oh the challenges of mothering a 5 year old. This is an interesting time for us, E has left his small childhood years behind and he is a young boy now with all the challenges and fun this entails. He is a very funny kid and we are all learning how to best express the range of emotions that inhabits this life stage. His barely controlled desire to explore and learn new things closely coupled with the fear of 'getting it wrong' and 'not looking so cool'. I do not remember ever being as image conscious as my kid is now and can only assume it is an attitude picked up at school. Some of the fun things my kid said this holiday was

'mom, you know what, I don’t want to be human anymore. Humans are not cool' yip I share that sentiment, but what to do about it?

Another funny was as a result of my dad, who suffers from flatulence, letting a stinker of in the car on the way home. E exclaimed loudly, opened his window and said ‘Eish…these noxious gasses will kill us all!!' Resulting in hysterical laughter by everybody in the car

E starting every second sentence with ‘Eish’, which is a very African South African expression, is the most honest reflection of my child’s multi cultural friends.

On building relationships
Believe it or not, but I have started to really communicate to John and guess what? He has responded, not by ignoring me, but by communicating back and even though we have by no means changed much in the relationship, as all the challenges remain to be challenging. But at long last, I have come to a place where I am prepared to be emotionally vulnerable around him. Now that is a very big thing for me. Recognizing and feeling those emotions I have for the longest of long times just ignored, has really affected my life on many different levels.

For one, I can actually relax, just relax. My tummy is not in an anxious knot 100% of the time. I am not as driven to be perfect anymore, a perfect mom, a perfect consultant, a perfect driver, a perfect partner. I am ok to be just me. And guess what? My kid does not have to perfect either – we are all just incomplete imperfect humans. Living closely together, enjoying each other. I don’t have to be anything different to be loved, or attractive or anything. And lastly, let me whisper this …..for the first time in a long time I can actually enjoy sex. Yip…… see, I am ok. I don’t have to perform to please, because I am pleasing just as I am. Now that was a revelation if ever there was one.

The Challenge

A Greek boy (first generation) and a South African girl (third generation)
Mediterranean passions vs French/Victorian principles
The one is loud…the other controlled
Emotional….rational
Spontaneous and explosive…….analytical and calculated

Yes, you are right – it sounds like dynamite…but wait, there is more

Mix into this DNA soup some personality and you get
Territorial………explorer
Slow to change….where is the next challenge?
Stubborn…X2

But what we share
Our values
Sense of integrity
Life philosophy
Commitment to each other
Fun loving silly kiddie side

However, for it to work well for us, we need to learn
To accommodate our different cultural heritages
Better communication – always better communication
Trusting the relationship

Like my friend said this morning, yes, it is easier to be on your own, but then you don’t get to share in the togetherness. She is right, that sense of togetherness is priceless.

Moonstruck

Last night as John stopped at my cottage he came rushing through the door excitedly.

'Baby come quickly, grab your camera and come see the moon'.

So we locked up, jumped into his little car and raced down the road to admire a blood red moon slowly rising from behind one of the many hills around town. The castle etched out in front of it.

I love that about him. His childlike enthusiasm about the magic of life

Halfway through winter and still running

June has been a really hectic month and I am still trying to slow down, consolidate and process all that has happened in thirty short days. And short these days were, being in the middle of winter and freezing cold. But this is just how it is for me, if I do not pack my winters full of goodie bags, I get depressed and then it is a mission to get me from under the duvet. But not this June, Oh no, our month started with a wonderful weekend of offroad fun, for which I rented a little trailer and took E and myself off to join our offroad club in a weekend of camping at the Mlilwane Wildlife Sanctuary.

The convoy of about six vehicles travelled together to Swaziland and just before lunch time we went through one of the lessor known border posts.
The scenary at the Mlilwane Wildlife Sanctuary where we stayed were absolutely magnificent and I managed to capture this nostalgic scene at the local weir.
It was a lot of fun staying in our little tent and I was very proud of the way in which E managed to help me around the camp. Setting up the tent, helping mom around the camp site and his personal favourite - farting as loud and as much as possible in the clear mountain air.
The Nyalas were really tame and provided us with hours of entertainment. That is if they did not manage to steal everything edible available at your camp.

Some boulder bashing on top of a mountain, believe it or not, but thanks to some good guidance and nerves of steel, we all made it through here without a scratch to any of the vehicles.
After that rather tight squeeze I needed some relieve and this I must say, was the best wee view in the world ;-)
Followed by a lovely picnic and a well deserved rest on top of the mountain

We visited Swazi Candles the next day and I was amazed at the skill of the artists who, seemingly without effort, created the most the beautiful candles I have ever seen. This gentleman made an elephant candle in about 10 or so minutes whilst E and me stood watching him. Needless to say, I spend a fortune right there in gifts and little things for my home.
As I came back from my Swazi trip, John and I renewed our discussions around property, our different needs and how we could possibly accommodate a city sleeker and country bumpkin in one house. This resulted in some serious thinking and the purchase of a stand where we plan to build a city home in a country estate, just a couple of km's north of E's school.

The next weekend I was off to Porterville to share experiences with beautiful women in a function which was co sponsored by Jacobs Quest and the Diva Africa Programme. I felt privileged to be invited as a speaker at the gala dinner and got to dance the night away with all the lovely local ladies.
And just to top it all off, I bought myself a lovely new digital camera with all the functionality I have been drooling about for years but could never quite muster the courage to splash out on. Now I just need to figure out how to download the photos from the camera to my computer and we should be ready for some serious playing and sharing ;-)

Our Mothersday

Was such a fun family day

It started slowly with me sleeping in a little bit, E playing in his room. We then cuddled on the couch and watched a Garfield movie hugging our morning coffee (me) and tea for E.

Around lunch time we fetched John, Nikyle and the bikes, grabbed some take away pizzas from John's restaurant and headed out to the Bicycle park. Nikyle took off with great gusto and E had a couple of meltdowns before he decided that if he just tries hard enough he could actually start the ride without any assistance from his mother. That was enough motivation for me to don the helmet and take my little guy around the beginner trail. He followed very scared but brave on his bike and I looked ridiculous with my jeans and T-shirt on Nikyles bike. Nevermind, it was fun and I am so proud of my little man for following me bravely down rather steep hills, over log bridges and around all kinds of corners. Some of which had a substantial drop if you somehow missed the track. The ride was very slow and we had a couple of spectacular falls but the elation and pride in my little man's face when he finished all of it will be cherished for many years to come.

Oh and not to be outdone by his kid, John strapped the helmet on and took the mountain bike over some rather serious ramps ;-) he did well for even trying to go for it and I think we should put some effort into getting bikes for all of us and enjoying this together as a family.

Celebrating family

Mom and Dad and Nikyle

The whole family
Boys behaving badly ;-)
Today I got to be part of John's extended family. His little kid, Nikyle, turned 10 and we all got to celebrate together. For the first time since his birth, his parents and grandparents were all gathered around a table at John's restaurant for lunch. I made it beautiful and bought the kid a cake. The conversations around the table were varied and easy. No evidence of all the rejection and court cases that lies in the past.

I think that maybe the love and acceptance that have been planted is growing seeds across more families than just mine. I wanted to cry from the beauty of it all. The hug I got from a little kid that tries to be a brave adult at such a tender age. The measured look I could meet from the grandfather that has had to soften with time. Even Nikyle's mom and I shared a tight hug and John could wink at her as they made arrangements for next weekend. And who knows, maybe the invitation to go dancing with them one night might even realise.

A year later

and I am ready to give John a flower in a handpainted vase with the following little message

Dear John
Lol, this is not a 'Dear John' letter
just a little note to say that
your patience, kindness and love
are teaching me to trust again
to believe in other people
to feel desires and fears
I thought would never surface again
Love
M

Now, the boy does not get an A for romance, but he does know how to take care of me and things in general. Like spending his whole Saturday morning putting four new tires on my 4x4 and taking the truck for a wheel alignment - 'because baby, for you I will killa da bull'

The greek philosopher retained his sense of humour

and told me last night that his new slogan is

If you are alive, why worry about it?

It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'

mmmm Yes please

For nearly a year I have been a rather recalcitrant and sometimes reluctant girlfriend. Most of our disagreements and moments have been because I push him away from me emotionally. But now, he is lying in ICU in hospital, seriously sick from a surprise heart attack and all I want to do is curl up on his lap and feel him stroke my hair. Kissing my brow, telling me that if we just enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Mixed feelings

Phil forgot about Elrich's athletics day at school today. Since E slept at his dad's house last night, he did not make it to athletics either. I am furious at Phil. I think that it was inexcusable and in future E will stay at my place the night before a big school day. But that is not all....

Work pressure and the build up to the family athletics day left me emotionally wrung out last night. So I told John that I was no good for any company and miserable. He told me that it is fine and no sulking from his side, he will see me the next day in time for the school sports day. I believed him that it was ok for me to crawl in my little cave and just sulk in silence. How wrong could I be?

This is our sms conversation today:

Maritha (as I woke up) Hello, I am more of a mess now that I was last night. I think it is because of the family thing today, I am a bit slow putting stuff together and understanding my own emotions. If u wake early and u want to come help me make shaker thingies that would be nice

John: Hi, I just woke up, my head is a mess. I wont b joining u this morning. I hope e and his team do well

Maritha: Ok, that is fine I will not sulk either ;-p

Maritha: But just to confuse you even more, at the start of this week I really really looked forward to having u around helping me to make the shakers, going to athletics together and being a little family. By Friday though I was over tired and an emotional mess and all I wanted to do was run into a cave and hide, so please do not see my emotions as a reflection on u. It is not it is just my mess I have to try and sort out or manager or whatever xxxx

John:Maybe you dont want us 2 b a lil family. Enjoy your athletics day.

Maritha: Now that was really insensitive and unnecessary

John: Neither was this ....lol I am sorry I am in no state to be nice and sensitive, I am tired and miserable and I am watching tv and drinking savannah. I understand it would be far nicer if I was excited and full of life but alas, what can I say (the message I send him last night saying why I did not feel like company)

Maritha: Yes, I know but it was not aimed at u, I was'nt miserable because of u. That is why I am scared when u say I make u happy because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to keep u happy. U need to be happy despite of me and the state I am in. Johnny I cannot have you fall down when I am a mess, I care about u but I am still a mess.

John: U took something that I was really looking forward to and fucked it up quick quick last night. I’m sorry Phil fucked u around but I am not Phil. Treat me like I am Phil, u will turn around and I will b gone. That seems to me that is what u want!

Maritha: John, if I thought you were Phil, I would not be around and u fucked it up for yourself. Last night I really thought that u were just letting me be, I did not realize that we were going to have an all fall down today. I honestly woke up this morning looking forward to spending the day with u. But I am a bit naïve that way.

John: well if that is how u c it, I fucked it up 4 myself then….

By that time I have had enough of this silly sms’ing. I was sitting at E’s school wondering where the heck his father is. Is it just me or is John emotionally more insecure than me? I just don’t follow his train of thought at all and it does not make sense to me in the bigger picture. I have not spoken to him since and quite frankly don’t see myself speaking to him anytime soon. Anyway – I just had to get it out of my system.

It is just in the Semantics

So I have nearly had a nervous breakdown about this 'falling in love' thing I so flippantly posted about last week.

What is love? What does it mean 'to love somebody?' See in my world that meant loneliness, sacrifice, rejection, isolation and fear. So this 'longing' for another human being in my life nearly send me straight to the funny farm.

I asked John and his answer calmed me down.....and does make sense to me. According to the philosophy of John the Cretan ....it is just about two people meeting each other's needs. Yes, in order to do that there is commitment and where there is commitment there is compromise. And (funny that) there should be desire to spend time together, trust, shared interests and so on. It does not mean unconditional sacrifice, that type of love is reserved for the parenting of small children. It does not mean that you have to deny the hurt and emotions you are feeling right now, to focus on a fantasy future.

So maybe then, even if I do not have any long term plans or dreams for an 'us' I am in love with this funny little greek man that can be such a serious clown ;-)

On Tuesday night

When John rocked up at my house, exactly on the expected time, concerned for my safety and laden with gifts, I think I fell in love

That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.

Now I am closer to 40 than 30

But then John reminded me that he is closer to 40 than 60 which made me feel like a school girl

My birthday was one of those days I will never forget

The morning of my birthday as I was sitting in the beautiful hotel garden sipping percolated coffee, listening to gurgling waters and bird sounds, I realised that what I thought was a disaster, was really the perfect start to my day. See, I like to control my life and I like to feel successful with what I do and here I got a reminder that we are really at the mercy of those very things we take for granted in our lives. Like our health, our cell phones, cars, jobs whilst any or all of it can so easily be taken away from us.

But more importantly, when things are taken from us, other people can step up for us to take care of us and help us reach our destinations. Only problem is I failed that very lesson the next day so badly that I am afraid I am going to have to write the same test again in the near future....but I am getting ahead of myself a little bit, I think

On Sunday past I thought it a good idea to take E to the Thai Festival, which was ok, apart from the fact that they had a very violent full contact Kick boxing competition going in the middle of the festivities and we left rather hurriedly. On the way back home my little guy fell asleep in the car but I had to stop to get some milk, which I did. But the little fellow was really miserable to be woken and dragged into the shop and whilst he was fretting and fussing I got my cell phone pick pocketed from my hand bag. I left feeling angry, frustrated and betrayed as I knew something was going on with the lady that kept bumping up against me, but I had no extra hands left to try and feel if my bag was ok - which was slung across my shoulder and slightly to my back.

Well, my whole little business runs through my phone which doubles as an external modem for my computer, diary and notebook. So with that lost, I was quite literally left in the dark. I went to John to use his phone to cancel the sim and black list the phone but had to go to a project early Monday morning so could not do anything about submitting the claim for a replacement phone until Monday afternoon. Which I did and was told that I can collect my new phone on Tuesday. Fortunately John had an extra phone which he loaned me, only problem was that it had a very limited battery life, but I had a car charger for it and thought it will be ok at least to take with me on the road and at least I could phone if I needed help.

Tuesday was my birthday and I woke up early with a song in my heart - ready to face the day and slightly nervous as i was due to speak at a conference on development/transformation in the mining industry. We were ready and out the door in good time and I took my little guy to school - where he insisted I kiss him in the car and he will walk himself to his classroom. Watching my little guy with his big backpack and in full soccer atire walking himself into the school garden wrenched my heart. But no time for sentimentality, so hopped back into my truck, turned the key and....nothing. No gentle purring of my diesel enjin, just a disconcerting silence. I could not believe it. This is a new car, it has just come from a three day stint at auto-electricians where they fixed the alarm system and now she was stone cold dead. But not to worry, I will phone John to come and help me out as he is a real wiz with mechanical stuff. As I dialed his number, I got a voicemail but before I could even leave a message the battery died. To be honest I just went blank, I did not know where to start or what to do as the only numbers I knew by heart was my mom's number and Phil's number. And how will they help me? And I need to be at the conference venue in 40 minutes time.

So I went into the school secretary's office and asked if I could use the phone. I dialed Phil, but he did not answer, no surprises there as he hardly ever wakes up before 9 in the morning. Desperately in need of a sympathetic ear I phoned mom, who listened like just a mom can and then asked what she could do to help me….uhm, I don’t know – nothing I guess as they are three hours away. Just as I put the phone down another mom came up to me and offered to take me where ever it was I had to go to. I could not believe my ears, when I asked her if she is sure, she just said ‘darling, I heard you say ex-husband, and I have so been there. Come let me take you, you will be just fine.’ So I left the car keys with the school secretary and got taken 20km across town to the conference venue. On the way there I learned so many things, I learned that this lady was also in development but that her company focus on marketing and branding of projects and SMMEs. What a godsend she was, her wisdom and kindness was a real blessing to me and helped me to calm down and just let the day be. Her words were ‘darling, you try to control too much, just live a little’ mmmmm how on earth to let go of that and just to live a little. How to let go of this anxious knot in my tummy that I might let someone down or make a mistake. Anyway – at the hotel I realized they changed the venue but I did not get the e-mail as I did not have an internet connection the previous day. Fortunately they could get a hotel driver to take me across town – again – to the correct venue.

The conference went down well, our presentation was well received. My dad managed to contact the place that resurrected my Corsa in 2007 and they fetched my car and tightened the battery terminals (which were all that was wrong with it) and Phil collected the bakkie for me. I got dropped off at his house and could drive home. In the mean time I could not get hold of John as I did not know his number by heart but I knew he would be really stressed out as he did not know if I was ok or not, but I decided to bath and dress like I am going out in any-case. And true to form, at exactly 7:00 I heard the roar of his little car’s engine as he pulled up to my gate. His car was filled with flowers and he bought me some perfume. The genuine concern on his face as he got out the car and looked at me with relief washing over him when he saw that I was perfectly fine…that was probably the biggest gift I have ever gotten. He cared, he really cared about me.

On Wednesday I went first thing to the Vodashop to get my phone sorted – and there I failed the test. All the lessons learned the previous day were for naught as I lost my temper so badly and swore at the consultant. Yes, he did have a narky attitude and yes he could have been a little bit more diplomatic in the way he handled the story, but still it is not nice to watch the junk splurting out of yourself when you are put under pressure. Oi, I did apologize, and I managed to get a good phone. I also managed to make it back to the conference just in time for my presentation that afternoon. A presentation that stretched their thinking on economic development and challenged the room to think more creatively regarding the difference they can make to the mining industry and the transformation of the rural economies where they operate.

The tales my thoughts sometimes tell

I have loved Phil as best I could love him. The love he needed from a woman was different than what I could give. This does not mean that we cannot love well, it just means we love differently. Realising this is helping me to open my heart to accept the love given to me by John. The exact same love I wanted from Phil, and he could not give me.

John wants to nurture and guide, he wants to care and protect, he wants to provide
He wants us to share our dreams

I am scared to let go of this rather safe wall of emotional distance I have build around me. But life is so real and so fragile. It can be lost in a milli-second and I do not want to live the balance of my days in isolation. Too scared to love and be loved again. Too scared to nurture and be nurtured, to protect and be protected by someone that really cares.

I have to trust that this is not an emotional trap, another jail, another place of isolation.

My mother's day

First a little sms,

If I were a thief, I would steal your heart
If I was a poet, a sonnet I'd write
If I was a painter, on canvas I would immortalise you
If I was Elvis, I'd sing you a song
But oom Jannie is none of the above, so he hopes his thoughts will put a smile on your face ;-0

Super Mom, hope you have super day!
Kisses, hugs and Special thoughts

Followed by dinner for E and me at a local family restaurant, flowers, gifts and yes.........;-)

Careful what you wish for

You might just get it when you least expect it, and don't feel ready for it.

This is a very common scene in my little cottage these days. My two brats racing with 'Lightning McQueen' with their caps turned backwards so they can be more aerodynamic ;-P. The two boys are crazy about one another and I cannot speak to John on the phone without giving E at least five minutes of airtime as well.