Mixed feelings

Phil forgot about Elrich's athletics day at school today. Since E slept at his dad's house last night, he did not make it to athletics either. I am furious at Phil. I think that it was inexcusable and in future E will stay at my place the night before a big school day. But that is not all....

Work pressure and the build up to the family athletics day left me emotionally wrung out last night. So I told John that I was no good for any company and miserable. He told me that it is fine and no sulking from his side, he will see me the next day in time for the school sports day. I believed him that it was ok for me to crawl in my little cave and just sulk in silence. How wrong could I be?

This is our sms conversation today:

Maritha (as I woke up) Hello, I am more of a mess now that I was last night. I think it is because of the family thing today, I am a bit slow putting stuff together and understanding my own emotions. If u wake early and u want to come help me make shaker thingies that would be nice

John: Hi, I just woke up, my head is a mess. I wont b joining u this morning. I hope e and his team do well

Maritha: Ok, that is fine I will not sulk either ;-p

Maritha: But just to confuse you even more, at the start of this week I really really looked forward to having u around helping me to make the shakers, going to athletics together and being a little family. By Friday though I was over tired and an emotional mess and all I wanted to do was run into a cave and hide, so please do not see my emotions as a reflection on u. It is not it is just my mess I have to try and sort out or manager or whatever xxxx

John:Maybe you dont want us 2 b a lil family. Enjoy your athletics day.

Maritha: Now that was really insensitive and unnecessary

John: Neither was this ....lol I am sorry I am in no state to be nice and sensitive, I am tired and miserable and I am watching tv and drinking savannah. I understand it would be far nicer if I was excited and full of life but alas, what can I say (the message I send him last night saying why I did not feel like company)

Maritha: Yes, I know but it was not aimed at u, I was'nt miserable because of u. That is why I am scared when u say I make u happy because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to keep u happy. U need to be happy despite of me and the state I am in. Johnny I cannot have you fall down when I am a mess, I care about u but I am still a mess.

John: U took something that I was really looking forward to and fucked it up quick quick last night. I’m sorry Phil fucked u around but I am not Phil. Treat me like I am Phil, u will turn around and I will b gone. That seems to me that is what u want!

Maritha: John, if I thought you were Phil, I would not be around and u fucked it up for yourself. Last night I really thought that u were just letting me be, I did not realize that we were going to have an all fall down today. I honestly woke up this morning looking forward to spending the day with u. But I am a bit naïve that way.

John: well if that is how u c it, I fucked it up 4 myself then….

By that time I have had enough of this silly sms’ing. I was sitting at E’s school wondering where the heck his father is. Is it just me or is John emotionally more insecure than me? I just don’t follow his train of thought at all and it does not make sense to me in the bigger picture. I have not spoken to him since and quite frankly don’t see myself speaking to him anytime soon. Anyway – I just had to get it out of my system.