A toddler in the house

What used to take a couple of minutes now need a special time 'budget'

Bathing is the best or the worst, depending on how you look at it: I am sitting on the toilet seat. E is standing in front of me with his shirt half off, screeching at the top of his voice. But I am not allowed to help - it is his struggle and his alone. Next comes the shoes, those are much easier...he stands bend over, one hand on the bath, the other struggling with the heal of his boots. The same boots that he loves so much he now sleeps in them too. One boot, one sock. Other boot, other sock - both in the laundry basket. Followed by what I have termed the pants dance. He pulls them down till the body is out and then tapdances on the legs until he has freed himself. This procedure takes about 20 minutes of loud yelling, sometimes spiced with growls and less than savoury vocabulary. The nappy is easy peasy and then he climbs into the bath - to proceed with making 'bommies' in the water. Jumping as high as he can, folding his legs into a seated possie and landing on his butt - covering everything in a flood. I know - I am not strict at all and boy does it look like fun!!

Drinking milk is next - he has to hold both the milk bottle and his cup, and pour the milk himself. I stand on attention with mop, not allowed to even look like I am gonna touch or help. 'Noooo no helpy momma, no helpy!!'

I don't take him with me to the shops anymore because he wants to do everything for me - from selecting the food to unpacking and scanning it at the till... he even insists on getting the card out to pay.

He has to cut his own food - and if it is cut before hand, he will not eat it. Unless everybody at the table's food is looking the same way. He also has to get in and out of his highchair with no assistance.

We now wake up in the morning with him yelling and kicking his door - all dressed in jacket and boots with light in his room on, ready to go 'outside' - at 6:30 when it is just starting to get light and still freezing cold out.

I love it - I love him being so independant and strong willed. I laugh at him, I lock us in different rooms to protect him. I have smacked him - something I swore I would never do. I run and put my head under the pillow, desperately thankfull that Phil is there to take over.

A View From the Middle

Finally - our book has been published and the launch will be in three weeks time. For me, this book represents far more than just the inclusion of my chapter. During the four years from the start of the research project, until the publication of this book, my life changed, stretched, grew and hurt a lot.

Deep emotional losses were paired with heights of joy, passion and the sweet taste of success. I lost my soul's sister, but gave life to a beautifull little boy. Motherhood started as a lonely journey filled with insecurity, guilt and an overwhelming feeling of failure. My marriage changed from safe haven to cold prison. I learned a lot through this, and am glad that I was fortunate to experience these things. I came to love myself. Just like the title suggests - I think I can now view things from the 'middle' rather from the far right or left.

The launch of the final product also coincides with the launch of my career as an independant research and business consultant and the 're-launch' of my marriage. Both will require a lot of dedication and hard work, but I, for one, don't see any reason why fun and adventure cannot be written all over the future.

Walking into myself

I have learned to love my emotions - all of them. I am learning to share those emotions - all of them. I am validating me.

Does this hurt you?

Let's talk about it

I can talk about me, can you talk about you?

No, you are not responsible for all of me, I am

Fortunately he is cute!!

E has won the 'stubborn award' for months in a row now. Even his school is commenting on how stubborn the little fellow can be. And this about simple things, like please and thank you. He understands what is required, can do the minimum and way more, but on some days he just refuses. Point blank - and no amount of cajouling will convince him otherwise. He will even sacrifice his snack for this, and just as you are about to give up - mister charming turns on the angel face and everything is forgiven. With the responsible adult feeling lower than shark shit.

Looking good

I have ridden Shanie now three days in a row, and he is still sound. I admit we have not worked very hard and definately no jumping - but he is feeling well and trotting absolutely even. Tomorrow we will do some proper work and then on Saturday go for a bit of a longer outride. Then we will see what we will see. I have decided that if he cannot jump anymore, we will focus seriously on dressage and I will go talk to my ex coach and professional to see if I cannot ride/jump some of his horses once a week. That would work out very well for me and I could still enjoy many wonderfull rides with Shanie-lee

I got feedback regarding my photos - they are nice and moody, I might have a flair for this type of thing and let's see what the future holds. Mayhap a tiny little private dream of mine might still be realised in this lifetime.

Sweaty Palms

and a dry mouth...

and all I was doing was selecting some of my photos for a portfolio. I even know her on a personal level and she will look at my work before sending (or not) it to a real critic. I feel vulnerable and exposed. Not sure why...it is not exactly as if this will have a big influence on me, my life or who I am.

My life in a sandbox

In today's councelling session we did sand box therapy. Building a story in two sandboxes, the one dry, the other wet. Lots of different props to get the imagination going.

We build a medieval/fantasy scene, complete with a dragon, castle, peasants and a DARK WOOD. Interesting thing was that we subconsiously copied the wet sand box onto the dry sand, but in a dark way. On the wet sand was a castle, a dragon in a crystal forest, and peasants working in a field with some lifestock. Phil fenced everybody in with moats and wooden fences and I was the isolated mythical dragon in a crystal cave. On the other sand box, we had a dark wood instead of a castle, treasure instead of a dragon and an oasis instead of peasants. Some comic relief cheered the dark forest up. Even though Phil selected the dark forest, I positioned it, in actual fact - I really build the dry sand box whilst Phil provided the props.

It was only in the discussion afterwards we realised how strong your subconscious mind really works. Phil had a complete emotional breakdown and we feel closer than ever.

Perhaps the rainbow will be discovered in a sandbox?

It is not gonna happen

This ship will never float, and at least it seems like Phil is going to accept it! There were a huge fight between the different parties of the new proposed joint venture with the fleet management stuff, and the whole deal is off! So, Phil is unemployed. He would have started to work there on Tuesday, instead he is home playing computer games. His cv is out on the web, and he has received quite a couple of responses, so now the long wait for the right job at the right place. We are even investigating moving out of town, to the coast!! Yeah, I have always wanted to be closer to the sea. For me, this would mean travelling to existing clients and working hard at establishing new networks.

Feelings - I am a bit concerned with finance, but VERY happy that Phil will be out of that industry and the possibility of moving FAR away from bad memories and people I do not want to bumb into at shopping malls!! I think that this is the best thing that could have happened for us. Now to wait it out and see what, where, when and how?!!!