Pulling a loose thread

I often feel very disconnected from what I am doing, the people in my life and in actual fact – my very life itself. Like I am an outsider looking in – a very critical outsider, and when I am there in that space, I do not understand human relationships, or emotions, or the reasons for living at all. I question the very reality of my existence and the sanity of this planet – the wheel of life and death, our capitalist economy, the killing of animals to consume, the all consuming machine of consumerism and the madness of modern life. It becomes a dark vortex sucking me in and leaving me breathless at the end. I have no clue what it is related to and how to not go down it, but I do know that when I am there, the days flow into each other and I don’t seem to get anything accomplished.

Sigh

I sorted my desk today and my to do list is 3 A4 pages loooooong

and I am going on leave for three days next week, to this lovely place. John is taking us there for some much needed R&R'ing

but before then, it is a weekend of family obligations, directors meetings and a monster TO DO LIST!

You can cut it

My nerves are finished! on Wednesday we should know whether we will call this place home
I know it does not look like too much right now, but it is all about position, position, position and not to forget about the endless open spaces that will surround us

Oh the headrush

I am giddy with success!
My to do list is done

Oh the relief, I have not felt it in months

Has it been a month already?

I cannot believe it is more than a month since I last did a blog entry. Sheesh, all of August gone in the blink of an eye. So what have we been up to down South?

Working and traveling, mothering and building relationships.

It is fun living in South Africa let me tell you, this truly is the land of opportunity. Providing you manage to keep your sense of humour and your eyes on your surroundings.

On working:
So we got the opportunity to demo at another really big mining operation, this time totally out of our experience as the client is very influential in the building industry as well and the commodity is low cost high volume as oppose to the high cost low volume of the platinum industry. To prepare properly I had to work right through the night at Phil's house (this is a post all by itself) and by 9:00 the next morning, just a couple of hours before the demo, our laptop packs up without warning. I phone the client to try and postpone the meeting but alas, she secured the attendance of a couple of their executive and to postpone on such short notice is just not possible. So we packed up the server and two other support laptops and turned their boardroom into an IT showroom.

All was well until one of the managers questioned the integrity of a company working in transformation that has no ownership representation from the black African community. How to explain to this woman in her highly paid position that our company is newly formed and we cannot even pay ourselves a salary, let alone support additional people? I did not even try to defend us, it just left a bad taste in my mouth and definitely made me decide that building relationships with the smaller operations is time better spend.

On traveling:
My parents, Elrich and myself went back home for the first week in September. Now in the South African context,' home' is not necessarily where your furniture is. Home is your roots, it is manifested in the acceleration of your heartbeat when you smell and hear your childhood sounds. The humid green of North Zululand forests, the sting of sea-sand on your ankles, little round faced children waving and mothers whispering 'Sawubona' as you inspect their handicraft. Night jars and bush-babies competing with each other all night long, the elegant dance of a wild Nyala bull and the heart stopping cry of a fish eagle as it flies over the Hluhluwe river. This is my country, this is my soul.

It was a nostalgic experience for me, taking E to a place where my memories are filled with scenes from my childhood, and as a teenager laughing and sharing a carefree existence with Phil as we played in the waves and listened to the night sounds together. Sometimes I got a bit caught in a time warp but never did I want the ‘now’ to change. I am very happy with my life and I can truly say that I have moved on emotionally - that I am living a new reality.

On Mothering;
Oh the challenges of mothering a 5 year old. This is an interesting time for us, E has left his small childhood years behind and he is a young boy now with all the challenges and fun this entails. He is a very funny kid and we are all learning how to best express the range of emotions that inhabits this life stage. His barely controlled desire to explore and learn new things closely coupled with the fear of 'getting it wrong' and 'not looking so cool'. I do not remember ever being as image conscious as my kid is now and can only assume it is an attitude picked up at school. Some of the fun things my kid said this holiday was

'mom, you know what, I don’t want to be human anymore. Humans are not cool' yip I share that sentiment, but what to do about it?

Another funny was as a result of my dad, who suffers from flatulence, letting a stinker of in the car on the way home. E exclaimed loudly, opened his window and said ‘Eish…these noxious gasses will kill us all!!' Resulting in hysterical laughter by everybody in the car

E starting every second sentence with ‘Eish’, which is a very African South African expression, is the most honest reflection of my child’s multi cultural friends.

On building relationships
Believe it or not, but I have started to really communicate to John and guess what? He has responded, not by ignoring me, but by communicating back and even though we have by no means changed much in the relationship, as all the challenges remain to be challenging. But at long last, I have come to a place where I am prepared to be emotionally vulnerable around him. Now that is a very big thing for me. Recognizing and feeling those emotions I have for the longest of long times just ignored, has really affected my life on many different levels.

For one, I can actually relax, just relax. My tummy is not in an anxious knot 100% of the time. I am not as driven to be perfect anymore, a perfect mom, a perfect consultant, a perfect driver, a perfect partner. I am ok to be just me. And guess what? My kid does not have to perfect either – we are all just incomplete imperfect humans. Living closely together, enjoying each other. I don’t have to be anything different to be loved, or attractive or anything. And lastly, let me whisper this …..for the first time in a long time I can actually enjoy sex. Yip…… see, I am ok. I don’t have to perform to please, because I am pleasing just as I am. Now that was a revelation if ever there was one.

Hahahahaha it gets better

So this weekend was freeeezing cold in Jouies and I did nothing but stay in bed, read my book, watched TV - I NEVER get to watch TV. And then I got to do all of that all over again on Sunday. E was with Daddy so it was a splendid weekend of just me and some John time - like a nice dinner on Friday night, and watching the Springboks annihilate Nieu Zealand in the Rugby on Saturday night.

Needless to say, I awoke ready and roaring with energy at 6am this morning. Finished the preparation for my 10:00 meeting, bathed and got ready to jump into my truck. Turned the ignition and.....the sweet sweet sound of absolute silence. No gentle rock and purring, just nothing. She has been charging for over an hour and is still dead. I missed my meeting and had to email the client the very rough draft document, which we can work through after his return from Tanzania

Did I mention something about a competent consultant?

Blah

Today's day is a blah day
The reasons I think
are numerous
onerous
tasks

And my head is stuffed
to the brim with
memories
thoughts
fears

A friendship - lost
A love - betrayed
A father - died
A baby - born

Maybe a new love - Reborn?
Dreams and fantasies
Are they real or
just my musings?

It was just another morning

Waking up together
rushing around to get ready
quickly grab breakfast

Phew...we are on time
out the door
on the way
to work
then

Annihilation

Game Over

A little gem

I found this tucked away in the pages of a book

You only make a decision once, thereafter you just manage it daily.

So true, once you have decided on something you do not have to make that decision again. Just manage your actions to be aligned to the decision. I think sometimes we think we need to make the same decision over and over, but we don't really.

My one orchid is flowering, it is a bit early for her to do that. I am very excited.

Gold Medal Mom

Sorry, No it was not your name we called out mam

I did not really think so

On Wednesday night I was so tired
My kid ate Strawberry rice krispies for dinner
In front of the TV
Then he sat watching cartoons
until he fetched his pillow
and fell asleep on the cold hard tile floor

I was sitting next to him
furiously typing on my computer
trying to make the deadline
I am still working on

The one that has had me cancel my weekend camping trip
with my little boy
to rather spend it
working some more and more and more
Fortunately E will not know that
as he is going fishing with his dad tomorrow
and on Sunday
we will drive down to Ouma and Oupa far away
to celebrate

40 Years of Marriage
together, happy and still in love

Deep Fried Fly

I decided to treat myself to a herbal tea and candle light bath, with bubbles and all kinds of smellies to sooth the skin and soul. See it has been a bit rough around here with work pressure, the divorce and Phil being the absolutely sweetest person this side of the equator.

A big bottle green fly is buzzzing about, buzzing about
I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound
Then the sizzle
I watch the macabre dance
a charslton I think
In clear hot wax
Then the silence

I can relax again

What I learned today

I was not being a hero, I was a victim.

I went to see the same psychotherapist that Phil has been to a couple of times. It took a burden of my back. She is wonderful, and I love her. She brought so many things into perspective for me. And we were not talking about Phil or the marriage at all. She just led me to quietly discover things about myself. Like the fact that I felt subconsciously that Phil was my ticket into being a socially acceptable person. A left-over insecurity from an awkward teenage girlchild that just did not belong anywhere. No, it was not her words at all, she asked me why I thought I loved him and why did I stick with him. And I looked at her and said those words and they had the clear ring of truth - but I have never before consciously thought about it like that. For the longest time, I have been the social butterfly and friend keeper in the house, not Phil. So I thought I was totally over that.

She really thinks it is the best thing for me to move out - me leaving the house, leaving the mess behind and starting new. She suggested that the environment in which I have been for the last six or more years has been really emotionally abusive and unhealthy and that I need to take control back of me, my life, future and emotions. She is working with Phil as well, so she has some insights - did not discuss him at all, just knew what type of questions to ask. She did not suggest we get divorced at all, just that we need to give it a long long long time. I am truly at peace and excited to have my own little place.

Phil and I agreed tonight that he needs to pay the money back to me that I used to pay his debt. He needs to take responsibility for his own mistakes.

Finding my Future

Dory's little voice has been in my head all day

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swim, swim, swim" as she and Marlin descends into the dark abyss

Between Hope and Memories

Is the short passage of time

An eating experience

I HATE cooking for myself, that is the one thing that gets me, is cooking and eating alone. Cooking should be done with a glass of good red in the one hand, intelligent conversation with a dear one and tasting ever so often.

The late nights phil has been keeping recently did not leave any room for this. So, I was contemplating take outs for dinner. But the thought of twice cooked meat and oily sides just did not seem attractive.

Then I discovered a can of Yom Tum Soup in the cupboard, from woolies - promising a fusion of sweet and sharp flavours. Just heat and add a hand full of prawn the recipe goes. With some trepidation I did just that. It was delicious.....a definate repeat.

Who Said Men Cannot Multi Task?

Ever since Buzani does not work for us anymore, we have had to control the dirt ourselves. The proclivity with which dishes and clothes find their way into the laundry/basin never seize to amaze me. The battle was already lost, even before the first volley got fired.

The only good thing about all this is the Saturday morning view, as I clean the house and dh does the ironing…and catches the last bit of sun for this season.

Kicking a ball

In all the time that E's been going to school he has LOVED it, so much that he would throw a tantrum when I wanted to take him home in the afternoons.

Until yesterday morning when he was adamant that he would rather stay home with the dogs than go to school. I managed to sweet-talk him into getting in the car, only to have very quiet little guy all the way to school. There he just wanted to be with mommy, so I told him to go play with his friends. Which is when the truth came out 'mommy, but I do not have any friends' See, Maina left a week ago, to move to Durban, and my little boy's heart is broken. Fortunately the principle is really sensitive and she organised for all the children to play together with a ball - E's favorite game.

So now he tells me everyday that he played with a list of children 'moma today I played with Sihle and Siyabonga and Mpho and Boo and we kicked a ball and we did this and that and he rattles the day off in half a second, with all the sentences interspersed with either question marks or exclamation marks and me nodding in confused agreement.

But next week is the last day that the principle will be there as they have sold the school and are emigrating. And E will be joining a new school shortly after that, which is much bigger and far more formal than his current little home from home.

Canto Gregorian

Is lulling my spikey nerve -endings. Cannot concentrate today, for no love or money. So am sitting at my desk pondering.

I want some social interaction, I want to ride my horse, I want to go on a dive holiday in Mocambique, I want to surf the net. I want to read my book.

Instead, I am trying my very best (not) to concentrate on getting this freaking reporting pack to my client. So I can tick it off my to-do-list and start with the next big job. Writing the second term report of another bigger client. So I can tick that off my to-do-list and start with the next, even bigger job. Analysing those 600 odd responses to my Customer Satisfaction Survey.

I think that is why I am depressed, it simply is just too much to do.

But I am looking forward to the visit from my bestest friend this weekend, and I am going with her on Monday to get our papers from the Canadian Embassy.

In my storeroom

there are two saddles, bridles, a feedbag filled with full fat soya, riding hat, gloves, crop and big safety box filled with blankets, various numnahs, saddle soaps and other horsey paraphenilia. It smells kinda musty, nothing like that clean erragrostis breath that used so sniff me so daintely. Investigating everything in my hands. Checking out the new leather gloves, worrying my pony tail.

I want to remember those big soft toffee brown eyes, the long lashes and gentle lips but I keep on seeing the wild adrenalin rush on his face. The deep throated moans as he was trying to get up. The relief as he was sedated.

I do not want to think what became of that body I so loved. My guess is he is feeding those lions I went to visit so innocently not too long ago. I know it is the circle of life and that he is gone and what does it matter how we treat that which is left behind?

Today as I was paying all my accounts, his name came up on my list of beneficiaries. His name is still everywhere, forming part of everything in my life. His face a beautiful picture in my lounge. The feeling of jumping him a memory in my muscles. I miss him more everyday.

I cannot even think about it

I have to fetch all of Shanie's stuff from the yard. I cannot do it. Not ready. Not now. Please can this just go away.

I really should phone the owner at least. I am such an ostrich