What I learned today

I was not being a hero, I was a victim.

I went to see the same psychotherapist that Phil has been to a couple of times. It took a burden of my back. She is wonderful, and I love her. She brought so many things into perspective for me. And we were not talking about Phil or the marriage at all. She just led me to quietly discover things about myself. Like the fact that I felt subconsciously that Phil was my ticket into being a socially acceptable person. A left-over insecurity from an awkward teenage girlchild that just did not belong anywhere. No, it was not her words at all, she asked me why I thought I loved him and why did I stick with him. And I looked at her and said those words and they had the clear ring of truth - but I have never before consciously thought about it like that. For the longest time, I have been the social butterfly and friend keeper in the house, not Phil. So I thought I was totally over that.

She really thinks it is the best thing for me to move out - me leaving the house, leaving the mess behind and starting new. She suggested that the environment in which I have been for the last six or more years has been really emotionally abusive and unhealthy and that I need to take control back of me, my life, future and emotions. She is working with Phil as well, so she has some insights - did not discuss him at all, just knew what type of questions to ask. She did not suggest we get divorced at all, just that we need to give it a long long long time. I am truly at peace and excited to have my own little place.

Phil and I agreed tonight that he needs to pay the money back to me that I used to pay his debt. He needs to take responsibility for his own mistakes.