So I had a weird dream early this morning, involving phil myself and his mother. I must be really freaked out if I dream about his mother. Taken that she has not even taken the time or the trouble to contact me. It seriously upset me, the dream that is.
All I ever wanted from phil was to want me, me wanting him to want me. Wanting him to want to come home to me at night, wanting him to want to make love to me, wanting him to spend time with me, wanting him to love me and spoil me and make me feel like his princess. he never did, he never could. The reason for that now seems so simple. He did not want me.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Backwards and forwards
The neglect of my blog has nothing to do with splitting up with my husband of 14 years. Oh no, it must be some other reason that my memory has gone to mush and therefore all my login details disappeared into the black hole that used to be my brain.
So to recap - we had THE CONVERSATION the next day, except that he did not say anything so we ended up eating breakfast in silence. Since that first bursting of the infected bubble a lot of water has passed under the bridge. The outcome is that I have come to many realisations. One, I have been soulfully unhappy for at least 18 months. This coincides with the birth of our first and (now) only child and the loss of our little business. So when everything in the relationship was going down hill I kept on making excuses such as financial stress, the adjustment to parenthood - for me this was a biggie as we decided I will be a stay at home mom till E is a bit bigger. The truth which should have stared me in the face was that dh started an affair at more or less the same time. Now the reasons for that, I admit, could be related to all the above mentioned but the bottomline is that he left us, albeit in spirit and emotion if not in presence.
Over the last couple of months I have often phoned him, cried, sworn, shouted and generally behaved like a total stranger as I could not (or rather would not) acknowledge the fact that I felt very much like a single parent. Which, come to think of it, was exactly what I was. He did not want to be with us and resented the time he had to spend at home. Not that I enjoyed having him around as it was stressfull having him there. Thinking about it now, I wanted the husband I knew and loved to come home but everytime P walked in the door I was confronted with a stranger walking around in my beloved's body. Needless to say it was freaking me out, but I kept on thinking it was me having adjustment problems with new baby and all the financial stress.
Well that is in the past now and one of the greatest treasures that came to me in my sleep was that we are not defined by that which happens to us, but rather by what we do about that which happens to us.
SO I sat down had a good think and this is what I want.
A well adjusted happy little boy that knows his father as well as his mother.
To live my life in the joy and the hope of the future
To that end, I made an arrangement with e's dad that he can see him anytime he wants, as often as possible. But that E must sleep in his own bed, even if they go out for the day. So sometimes I sleep out, sometimes we sleep under the same roof and we even spend family time together. For me, this has not been easy emotionally but hey, if you wear a face for long enough you become that face. SO I will wear a face of happiness, I will consiously go out and do things I enjoy even if I do not feel like doing them, and I make sure that I do not spend whole weekends all by myself as those are the real killers.
SO last night I had a date. It was not a real one as in romance or anything. But I went out to a wonderfull organic market with a man I have known and loved all my life. We are of the same age (which is young) and we listened to music, talked about love, life and the universe and in general just enjoyed ourselves. I have not felt so alive in a very long time
So to recap - we had THE CONVERSATION the next day, except that he did not say anything so we ended up eating breakfast in silence. Since that first bursting of the infected bubble a lot of water has passed under the bridge. The outcome is that I have come to many realisations. One, I have been soulfully unhappy for at least 18 months. This coincides with the birth of our first and (now) only child and the loss of our little business. So when everything in the relationship was going down hill I kept on making excuses such as financial stress, the adjustment to parenthood - for me this was a biggie as we decided I will be a stay at home mom till E is a bit bigger. The truth which should have stared me in the face was that dh started an affair at more or less the same time. Now the reasons for that, I admit, could be related to all the above mentioned but the bottomline is that he left us, albeit in spirit and emotion if not in presence.
Over the last couple of months I have often phoned him, cried, sworn, shouted and generally behaved like a total stranger as I could not (or rather would not) acknowledge the fact that I felt very much like a single parent. Which, come to think of it, was exactly what I was. He did not want to be with us and resented the time he had to spend at home. Not that I enjoyed having him around as it was stressfull having him there. Thinking about it now, I wanted the husband I knew and loved to come home but everytime P walked in the door I was confronted with a stranger walking around in my beloved's body. Needless to say it was freaking me out, but I kept on thinking it was me having adjustment problems with new baby and all the financial stress.
Well that is in the past now and one of the greatest treasures that came to me in my sleep was that we are not defined by that which happens to us, but rather by what we do about that which happens to us.
SO I sat down had a good think and this is what I want.
A well adjusted happy little boy that knows his father as well as his mother.
To live my life in the joy and the hope of the future
To that end, I made an arrangement with e's dad that he can see him anytime he wants, as often as possible. But that E must sleep in his own bed, even if they go out for the day. So sometimes I sleep out, sometimes we sleep under the same roof and we even spend family time together. For me, this has not been easy emotionally but hey, if you wear a face for long enough you become that face. SO I will wear a face of happiness, I will consiously go out and do things I enjoy even if I do not feel like doing them, and I make sure that I do not spend whole weekends all by myself as those are the real killers.
SO last night I had a date. It was not a real one as in romance or anything. But I went out to a wonderfull organic market with a man I have known and loved all my life. We are of the same age (which is young) and we listened to music, talked about love, life and the universe and in general just enjoyed ourselves. I have not felt so alive in a very long time
Friday, November 11, 2005
It has been a week and life does not look that much different. Well unless I look into my head where the mess is really amazing. Where does one start to question what could have gone wrong? Common wisdom lets us believe that failure is not because of one big mistake, but little ones made along the way. I have to admit - my marriage have been failing for a while now. Communicating into a black hole of no response was frustrating enough, I should have registered alarm long ago. So tomorrow we have the BIG CONVERSATION. Funny we have had one of these once before - exactly seven years ago.
It must be a deja vu - no it is not. There was no 20 month old little boy in the picture then. I can not help but wonder if I will be a successfull single mom. All I ever wanted was for us to be a happy little family, but alas, the possibility for that truly appears to be slim. How can I live up to the expectations when I dont even know I am lacking??? For fuck sakes..scuse the pun as that seems to be the biggest problem...but how does one whore with your dearest if he never finds himself at home and even less between the sheets??? So accusations of wrongs commited seven years ago are thrown against my head - what could my defense possibly be, since I know I am an academic and tend to get lost in the theory of things.
How will this affect the fruit of our loins?? I am not sure, but my desire for him is to keep it as secure and stressfree as possible. Even if it means emotional sacrifice from me. No I will not stay in the relationship for the child, but I will involve the father in his daily life as much as I possibly can manage - mind you if the father would show any interest. A fascinating change I have noticed from BEFORE Sunday to after - How does a father go from zero to hero in a week??? All I can consider is some weird guilt trip from his side. Well I suppose if seperation means my child will see his father more, I would imagine, one could view this as a blessing in disguise.
We have been invited for breakfast to discuss the ISSUE - not sure I want to do this in such a public setting. Maybe it makes dad feel safer, one will exercise a bit of restrain on the emotions if there is a child playing under the eyes of an audience. But before then I need to sort through questionaires and statistical data otherwise our dear client will be most dissapointed on Monday. The start of the second week - my oh my, how does time fly so fast????
It must be a deja vu - no it is not. There was no 20 month old little boy in the picture then. I can not help but wonder if I will be a successfull single mom. All I ever wanted was for us to be a happy little family, but alas, the possibility for that truly appears to be slim. How can I live up to the expectations when I dont even know I am lacking??? For fuck sakes..scuse the pun as that seems to be the biggest problem...but how does one whore with your dearest if he never finds himself at home and even less between the sheets??? So accusations of wrongs commited seven years ago are thrown against my head - what could my defense possibly be, since I know I am an academic and tend to get lost in the theory of things.
How will this affect the fruit of our loins?? I am not sure, but my desire for him is to keep it as secure and stressfree as possible. Even if it means emotional sacrifice from me. No I will not stay in the relationship for the child, but I will involve the father in his daily life as much as I possibly can manage - mind you if the father would show any interest. A fascinating change I have noticed from BEFORE Sunday to after - How does a father go from zero to hero in a week??? All I can consider is some weird guilt trip from his side. Well I suppose if seperation means my child will see his father more, I would imagine, one could view this as a blessing in disguise.
We have been invited for breakfast to discuss the ISSUE - not sure I want to do this in such a public setting. Maybe it makes dad feel safer, one will exercise a bit of restrain on the emotions if there is a child playing under the eyes of an audience. But before then I need to sort through questionaires and statistical data otherwise our dear client will be most dissapointed on Monday. The start of the second week - my oh my, how does time fly so fast????
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