Posting for Posterity

for better or worse, some things has to be said

In one of the painfull discussions Phil and I had after the affair three years ago, he told me that the affair was all my fault, because he said, I do not like sex. Now, that was the first I every heard of that, and I have for a long time tried to understand that, and make up for it in some way as I kinda thought I did like sex one, and two, that I was not too bad in bed. See I have very few inhibitions and am not shy about my body at all. But when all was said and done I was left feeling like an unattractive, unsexy woman that had absolutely nothing going in that department.

So fast foward to the dating site, the mocambique dinner (where the date thought I was steaming hot and he confused me no end) , and life after that. I meet this really nice guy, also through the site and I think to myself that I have to approach this differently, as I would just hate to have to make another phonecall and apologise again.......lol, that is a story for another day as I simply am too embaressed to talk about it.

So I told him from the first word we exhange that I really am looking for a friend, somebody to hang out with, have fun with, no strings or commitments and I am going to do the same with other nice boys as well. And I would like for him to have the same approach. Well for some reason, blow me over I am not sure why, this is guy is absolutely smitten with me. Now this makes things really difficult as I feel responsible and I would hate to disappoint and the list is endless. Anyway I agree for us to go out to dinner and dancing, as this was the whole point of meeting. It is all fun and he is a gentleman of note and I love every second. A couple of dates later, this week past I am still recovering from my BLUE MONDAY and he wants to see me, so I say, why dont you bring wine and we cook some dinner and just relax at my place - e is sleeping with dad, so an evening of easy conversation with a mature guy would be fun and I did not feel like dressing up in anycase. I did not have to see any clients all day so was in jeans and sneakers with my hair in a pony tail, thinking that could not possibly be attractive to anybody.

Well we cooked dinner together, had some good wine, ate, chatted and I got up to make some coffee and call it a night. He comes with me, kisses my neck talks to me, I cry, back off tell him that I am not sure about this, he gathers me up in his arms and talks to me about trauma, dissapointment, heart ache and whatever else. As I said, the poor man is smitten, the end of the story is a very hot long night of passion...it was amazing. It confirmed what I suspected all along, that I am not an ice queen, that I do actually enjoy intimacy, that my body can be celebrated if it is done so with respect and honesty.

Only problem is, I really am not ready for a relationship and this poor man would marry me tomorrow........