All Of Our Children

I have had to learn the hardest lesson of them all this past week

As mentioned, often, we live on a lovely small holding with lots of space and friend called Joey. A couple of weeks ago I found the two little boys investigating each others penises, did not think too much about it as I would imagine it is part of growing up and they are similar in age, yes??

A week ago, just before we left for a weeks holiday, E comes running into the house, soaking wet and hysterical. When I asked him what happened he told me that Joey peed on him, so I investigated, spoke to the mom, the kid the psychologist and this is not normal. So we went on our little break.

The first day we get back, E runs to play with long lost Joey, and I watch them. Not long before they leave the scooters and disappear behind the house. So I checked up, only to find Joey kneeling in front of E with E's penis cupped in his hand. At this stage I can only let out a sigh

The end of the story is that we (the landlady and I) have organised for Joey to get councelling with his parents as he is just too young to come up with these things all by himself.

For me, the anger, sadness and dissappointment will linger for long, my baby has been violated by friend not much older than him (too young even to be molestation by definition). We have to move, E cannot play with Joey again, ever.

innocense on an alter
a child saved
I hope
A mother's tears
a reaching hand
we have to share
not condemn

Liquirice Allsorts

Who would have known how interesting and engaging a dating site could be? I have of late met a shy cabinet minister, an outgoing guy who travelled with Kingsley Holgate, a well to do pilot and entrepeneur, and a bullshitter baffles brains smooth talker.

It is amazing - the sociologist in me is totally entrigued. If I can only figure out how to interact with integrity with everyone. Thing is, I would love to meet all of them and talk to them, get to know them and understand what makes them tick. But I really do not want relationships and I am not gonna repeat the hot romance thing either. It is just emotionally too much for me at this stage ;-)

I am just looking at the bed

Today we had a huge altercation in the house. E was screaming and whining for milk and juice and attention so I told him that if he does not stop his screaming and start asking nicely he will go to his room for time out. His response was to look me straight in the eye and spit. Well, needless to say he was send to his room, where he refused to sit on his chair, continued to scream at me and when I left him in the room and closed the door he started banging on it, then opened the door to bang it behind him. I repeatedly took him back, telling him that if he wants me to listen to him he will have to sit on his chair first and apologise for his bad attitude, after the second time, I send his friend home.

This went on for what felt like forever, until I drew the curtains, switched the lights off, locked the door and left him in there until he stopped screaming and started calling for me. At which stage I was talking to him standing on a chair looking through the little window thing at the top of the door (Through which I would have to crawl to unlock the door as it is locked from the inside ;-))

A truce was reached an hour and a half later, when he agreed to sit on his chair and apologise for his bad attitude. So I crawled through the hole, precariously balancing on the door handle to wriggle my body through this tiny space, hang down the other side, feet in the air, unlock and open the door without landing on my head ;-). E went to sit on his chair, but turns his body away from me, when I asked him what he is doing, he flutters his eyelids and tells me 'I am just looking at my bed, first and then I will say sorry'

So I had a loud coughing fit of laughter with a very concerned little boy patting me on my back and telling me that 'that is enough coughing now, mommy, look at me' to which I doubled up in another serious fit. When I regained my composure I asked him if he wanted to say something to me. He gave me his most beguiling smile, flashed his eyelids, crawled onto my lap and curled up against me and whispered ' I am sorry mommy I screamed at you, and I am sorry I spit at you, I will not do it again...now please can I have my milk and go soek Joey?'

My head is broken

We live on a small holding with lots of space, trees, outdoor playsets and best of all a friend called Joey. Needless to say, I do not see much of my little man over the weekends as all he wants to do is 'soek Joey, mommy'

As I was trying to catch up on my inbox the other day, I heard E crying in a way that I could tell he was really sore. When I got to him and asked what was wrong he told me that his 'head was broken' and on closer inspection, I noticed a nice golf ball sized ouwie just above his eyebrow. Apparantly they were trying to wheelie their scooters in the driveway and E overbalanced.....Maybe I should really invest in serious protective gear for this kid!

Posting for Posterity

for better or worse, some things has to be said

In one of the painfull discussions Phil and I had after the affair three years ago, he told me that the affair was all my fault, because he said, I do not like sex. Now, that was the first I every heard of that, and I have for a long time tried to understand that, and make up for it in some way as I kinda thought I did like sex one, and two, that I was not too bad in bed. See I have very few inhibitions and am not shy about my body at all. But when all was said and done I was left feeling like an unattractive, unsexy woman that had absolutely nothing going in that department.

So fast foward to the dating site, the mocambique dinner (where the date thought I was steaming hot and he confused me no end) , and life after that. I meet this really nice guy, also through the site and I think to myself that I have to approach this differently, as I would just hate to have to make another phonecall and apologise again.......lol, that is a story for another day as I simply am too embaressed to talk about it.

So I told him from the first word we exhange that I really am looking for a friend, somebody to hang out with, have fun with, no strings or commitments and I am going to do the same with other nice boys as well. And I would like for him to have the same approach. Well for some reason, blow me over I am not sure why, this is guy is absolutely smitten with me. Now this makes things really difficult as I feel responsible and I would hate to disappoint and the list is endless. Anyway I agree for us to go out to dinner and dancing, as this was the whole point of meeting. It is all fun and he is a gentleman of note and I love every second. A couple of dates later, this week past I am still recovering from my BLUE MONDAY and he wants to see me, so I say, why dont you bring wine and we cook some dinner and just relax at my place - e is sleeping with dad, so an evening of easy conversation with a mature guy would be fun and I did not feel like dressing up in anycase. I did not have to see any clients all day so was in jeans and sneakers with my hair in a pony tail, thinking that could not possibly be attractive to anybody.

Well we cooked dinner together, had some good wine, ate, chatted and I got up to make some coffee and call it a night. He comes with me, kisses my neck talks to me, I cry, back off tell him that I am not sure about this, he gathers me up in his arms and talks to me about trauma, dissapointment, heart ache and whatever else. As I said, the poor man is smitten, the end of the story is a very hot long night of passion...it was amazing. It confirmed what I suspected all along, that I am not an ice queen, that I do actually enjoy intimacy, that my body can be celebrated if it is done so with respect and honesty.

Only problem is, I really am not ready for a relationship and this poor man would marry me tomorrow........

A ball of sobs

Today was a really bad day. I had to go to a 12:00 a clock meeting and at 11:00 I was still in a foetal position in my bath, balling my eyes out. I think I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I figured these are the reasons:
It is just about three months after the final break-up, it always takes me three months to break down after any disaster
Ne Dean died yesterday, five years ago, my most difficult day in the year
And the bulk of the stress of all my work is over, I dont absolutely have to consentrate on work every waking minute

So, really, it is a good sign

I have stocked up on the beer and prawns

Is the message I got today, when are you coming to visit me again? Lol, and i thought he totally gave up on me. See I had to phone last week to apologise for bad behaviour, only to be rewarded with a brushing down that I am not ready for a relationship. With one eyebrow raised I could not help but wonder, who ever spoke about a relationship. I thought we were friends.....silly me.

So I just left it at that, thinking you idiot. Of course I am not ready for a relationship - I cannot even commit to the purchase of furniture. Forget about something resembling anything vaguely more intense than a casual friendship.

And I would really like one of those, I must add.

Not sure if it is the message, the fact that I am still OK, even if I am 'The crazy freaking girl' or whether it was the absolutely magnificant performance of the Lion King, but I feel so at peace tonight.

No mom, my name is Elrich!

Elrich's biggest thing at the moment is to be 'a big strwong boy' that has 'dragon powers' and fights his friends on the trampoline...I know, the fighting really is just wrestling with his five year old buddy that stays on the same property. The two circle one another on the edge of the trampoline, then move in for the kill! whoever gets the other one on the ground first is the proclaimed winner. And there are rules to this, ones they made themselves. No hitting, throwing or bouncing and a couple I cant quite get.

There are lots of firsts in our lives at the moment. Today we are going to see 'The Lion King' theatre production. Bought tickets ages ago and today was the first open slot they had. I am excited and just hopes that e will manage to sit through it and enjoy it. He has been to the movies a couple of times, but never the theatre. Next week is his first school outing, they are going by public transport and he is sooo excited about riding in the bus. Nevermind his mothers heart beating in her throat to have her little precious going to the zoo with public transport. And in the first week of September he has his first sports day at school, he is in team Impala and have to dress in the team colours of red and white. Where did the time go?

All About A Boy

This is one of my most favourite recent pictures of E. For me, it just captures what boys are all about


Young man E stealing all the hearts at my friend's wedding in April. I can only now start to look at the couple of pictures I took during that holiday

That Time of the Year Again

It was parent teacher conference time at E's school. I was curious to find out how my little boy has adapted to the new school and whether he is showing any signs of stress from the recent changes at home. I have spoken to the teachers often, just quickly before class and they always assured me that he is doing fine, so I was not really worried.

The set up in E's classroom is a head directress, two assitent directresses and a helper. I got talked to and interviewed by all three the teachers. I felt like it was a panel interview for an important job, and maybe it was?

It was very reassuring talking to them, hearing that my kid is a well adjusted, friendly little boy. Everybody likes him very much. They made very similar comments to the first school he was at. Unbelievable concentration span, good development of spatial/visual discrimination. And they picked up on his fetish to count things, everything, all the time. He does this at home as well. He loves working in the science section and always plays with the magnets. At home we have a couple of magnet sets as well and he is always building things with those. He has not established a dominant hand as yet and can draw, cut, colour and build with both hands equally. Apparently he is starting to relate stories to them, which I am very happy about as his language development has always concerned me a little bit. He is not the youngest in the class anymore and loves helping other children to pack up their work and tidy the class.

They were very surprised when I told them that he has quite the temper, not sure they believed me! I got the name of an experienced family psychologist and play therapist. I am going to see her at the end of the month, just to talk about him and find out what are the little things I must watch out for in terms of his development and potential stress from the divorce.

The Dinner

It was a short flight and I landed in tropical weather at about 11:00. I made my grand entrance onto foreign soil by falling down the stairs at the airport door. As I tried to gather my belongings and my dignity, a very nice portugese speaking black man approached and relieved me of most of my luggage. Looking up, I saw this rather imposing figure behind him, smiling, just before he drew this rather disheveled african girl dressed in camo pants into a typical meditareanean embrace.

We spend most of the afternoon at his restaurant, drinking local beer, eating seafood and chatting away. It does not feel like I have just met him, and we tease each other incessantly. Much later, as it started to get cold and dark, we went back to his apartment (where I stayed), sat on the balcony, smoked cigars and had some good scotch. He got a bit amoreous but I backed out and shortly after fell asleep on the couch.....duh, to be woken hours later with a 'babes, would you care to join me for dinner?'. After all, this was the whole idea, yes? Working 15 hour days for more than a week non stop made for a bit of a tired guest.

I went to bed shortly after dinner. I know...terrible. He was such a good host though, sensitive for what I needed and mature enough to give me space a whole lot of emotional support. Sunday we went for a very energetic walk around town, a good three hours or so. Back home, we relaxed with classical music, had lunch, slept some more on the couch, watched tv and were comfortable together like we have know each other for years. It was quite freaky.

So now I am back home and I have gained a friend. I am not sure what he thinks of his date, but I am well rested!

Dream with me, tonight

I have just assumed that MSV (Maple syrup voice) is a terrible womanizer. Not caring too much about it as I do not have any expectations about this, I was caught for a six yesterday morning. He sends me a message on Tuesday night murmuring that I must 'dream with him this night' and I chose to ignore it. Simply because it got my heart rate up to about 140 miles an hour and I did not want to react like a love struck teenager. Early the next morning another follows in the first's footsteps, which are also ignored. Partly because I have a big presentation with scary government officials and partly because my heart rate has not slowed down from the previous message.

It was not long before I got the call. Water over pebbles, thick Mediterranean accent wanting to know if 'my girrrrl is ookey, why you do not return any messagches?' I throw the lame excuse that I am terrified of the presentation and was not quite focused on his attentions (yeah right, I am hiding from you, can't you see). He reassuringly murmurs that I must just come to him and he will sort anyone out that just looks potentially threatening.

I am left breathless...again.

Dinner invitation

I have accepted a dinner invitation with maple syrup voice.....to do that, I have to fly to another country. My flight leaves on Saturday morning, early. Dinner will be home cooked, at his beach house. He refers to his driver, his security and his housekeeper like everybody has those.........I am totally intrigued. We even had a loud disagreement the other night (my first with the opposite sex ever!).

I have a feeling we are both a bit loud, determined and over the top, not sure. Last night he wanted to know if I want to sleep in the/his? hotel, or his apartment. In my own room of course...lol.

I am drawn like a moth to an open flame.

Emerging woman

So with my usual panache to find the most practical solution to a difficult emotional problem, I decided to sign up on a dating website. Yes, a dating website. I even posted this picture. I kid you not, it has been a week and I am at the TOP of the favourite charts. I cannot believe it, who would have known?? Really nice men too, that are talking to me. I am fully aware that this is not real and all the nice things they are saying are probably mass produced and send to five different women. But it does not matter at all. It has given me something that I have lost. I feel far more socially acceptable and desirable than what I have felt for years. I never realized, but these things are important for a soul’s wellbeing. The woman in me got so shriveled up and dried out that the mother and consultant totally took her over.

I must be honest, I am not really looking for a relationship but it is a whole lot of fun. And I did meet this really really really nice man. I think I like him too much, he is of Mediterranean descend and his voice sounds like maple syrup. Ahhh it has done me good.

It is snowing in Gauteng

Can you believe it! Not were we stay though, we are too high out here and it always is a couple of degrees warmer this side of town. This gorgeous photo is not my handy work - I downloaded it from the Mail & Guardian website


And just to remind myself of the much warmer weather we had a couple of days ago - more game reserve photos. Yes, I know I must stop day-dreaming and get on with real life
My giant baobab tree
Our car was surrounded by buffalo - you could here the little noices they were making as they were grazing

The weekend

The fence and gate at the bushcamp where we stayed was really non exsistant. It was fun taking the 80m dash in the middle of the night to the ablution facilities ;-)The overnight hut in which we stayed, it is not for general use by tourists.
My little man fast asleep in the back window of the Jeep - he was so well behaved throughout all the slow drives we took around the park
A giant baobab - I love love love trees - I took some mesmerizing close ups of this tree's trunk. Whilst lying on my back underneath with 'Oubaas' watching out for me! It was so much fun
This girl was amazing to watch - she got very close to car

The Kruger National Park

Share in the beauty

Still around

So the trip to the game reserve was really amazing. We saw all of the big five and so many lions and elephants it got boring......I took beautiful pictures (I think) but have not even had time to go to the mall to get them developed. I will make an attempt this weekend.

And I went to speak to a divorce lawyer last week. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do emotionally. To unpack this mess infront of a man I am sure have seen everything and worse. My intimate details. I managed to do it with a well placed joke here and there. I think he really appreciated that - the humour that is. Why do I always have to be strong and positive when I talk about myself to other people? I cannot even break down in councelling. That is only reserved for dark nights under the duvet, and mostly only in my dreams. Vivid loud dreams. Suppose that is a clear indication that my subconscious is very busy sorting through the mess.

It is hard, no jokes aside. I think I will be fine. I need to find me again and I need to believe in the woman in me. I have confidence in me the mother, me the consultant, me the person....but me the woman, is just a scared little girl.

There are still nice people in this world

As the saying goes, it never rains it pours.

My car was due to get new shocks and other minor repairs yesterday before we go on our long drive today. So on the way to the workshop I notice a new sound, well really an overwelming noice that reminded me of driving my grandfather's tractor. And the loss of power. So as my little car tututututut up the hill in peak traffic to E's school I was wondering if this new addition to her list of ailments are cause of concern.

An hour later at the workshop the mechanic comes to me with the kind of face that I would imagine a doctor to have when they deliver the terminal illness diagnosis to close family members. Since the workshop refers to me as 'the girl that do not have any money' (I have no idea how that impression was created, maybe something to do with my broken knee jeans and 10 year old little skedonk with the child seat in the rear) they always feel sorry for me when I bring my little car in and I always take advantage of that. You get discount on labour and they shop around for better prices. So 'the face' was worrisome as this happen to be an expensive month already and I worked very few hours in May.

'Sorry Mam, but your head cylinder gasket has blown' sounds like greek to me so I asked for the explanation. In short it means a whole lot of money, and I will only get my car back the earliest on Thursday afternoon. This will never do as my meeting is on Thursday morning and I am going to the game reserve..dammit.

As I lament my miserable bad luck and the fact that I will not, will not, will not phone Phil to help me out a girlfriend phones and immediately picks up on my emotional state. I cry in her ear and she listens with the attention just a woman can give you, and ten minutes later phones back to say that I must stop crying, she will bring me her car and I better get my bag packed and my camera ready as she does not want to see me again before Sunday night!!

I cried again, just because I could

I have been really teary lately

I found out last week that Phil never changed his ways - that he has been having an affair with another girl for at least four months. Not only that, he has double dated her with the previous affair from two years ago.

This has opened the proverbial floodgate of tears in me. I have been crying on and off for days now. I have so much pressure at work at the moment and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry my little heart out.

I am leaving to go to site tomorrow. Elrich will come with me and on Friday we are going camping with my cousin in the Kruger National Park. In a wilderness hut, far removed from the tourists and beaten track. I think I will take my camera and just become quiet for a day or two. Peace in the bushveld