A toddler in the house

What used to take a couple of minutes now need a special time 'budget'

Bathing is the best or the worst, depending on how you look at it: I am sitting on the toilet seat. E is standing in front of me with his shirt half off, screeching at the top of his voice. But I am not allowed to help - it is his struggle and his alone. Next comes the shoes, those are much easier...he stands bend over, one hand on the bath, the other struggling with the heal of his boots. The same boots that he loves so much he now sleeps in them too. One boot, one sock. Other boot, other sock - both in the laundry basket. Followed by what I have termed the pants dance. He pulls them down till the body is out and then tapdances on the legs until he has freed himself. This procedure takes about 20 minutes of loud yelling, sometimes spiced with growls and less than savoury vocabulary. The nappy is easy peasy and then he climbs into the bath - to proceed with making 'bommies' in the water. Jumping as high as he can, folding his legs into a seated possie and landing on his butt - covering everything in a flood. I know - I am not strict at all and boy does it look like fun!!

Drinking milk is next - he has to hold both the milk bottle and his cup, and pour the milk himself. I stand on attention with mop, not allowed to even look like I am gonna touch or help. 'Noooo no helpy momma, no helpy!!'

I don't take him with me to the shops anymore because he wants to do everything for me - from selecting the food to unpacking and scanning it at the till... he even insists on getting the card out to pay.

He has to cut his own food - and if it is cut before hand, he will not eat it. Unless everybody at the table's food is looking the same way. He also has to get in and out of his highchair with no assistance.

We now wake up in the morning with him yelling and kicking his door - all dressed in jacket and boots with light in his room on, ready to go 'outside' - at 6:30 when it is just starting to get light and still freezing cold out.

I love it - I love him being so independant and strong willed. I laugh at him, I lock us in different rooms to protect him. I have smacked him - something I swore I would never do. I run and put my head under the pillow, desperately thankfull that Phil is there to take over.

A View From the Middle

Finally - our book has been published and the launch will be in three weeks time. For me, this book represents far more than just the inclusion of my chapter. During the four years from the start of the research project, until the publication of this book, my life changed, stretched, grew and hurt a lot.

Deep emotional losses were paired with heights of joy, passion and the sweet taste of success. I lost my soul's sister, but gave life to a beautifull little boy. Motherhood started as a lonely journey filled with insecurity, guilt and an overwhelming feeling of failure. My marriage changed from safe haven to cold prison. I learned a lot through this, and am glad that I was fortunate to experience these things. I came to love myself. Just like the title suggests - I think I can now view things from the 'middle' rather from the far right or left.

The launch of the final product also coincides with the launch of my career as an independant research and business consultant and the 're-launch' of my marriage. Both will require a lot of dedication and hard work, but I, for one, don't see any reason why fun and adventure cannot be written all over the future.

Walking into myself

I have learned to love my emotions - all of them. I am learning to share those emotions - all of them. I am validating me.

Does this hurt you?

Let's talk about it

I can talk about me, can you talk about you?

No, you are not responsible for all of me, I am

Fortunately he is cute!!

E has won the 'stubborn award' for months in a row now. Even his school is commenting on how stubborn the little fellow can be. And this about simple things, like please and thank you. He understands what is required, can do the minimum and way more, but on some days he just refuses. Point blank - and no amount of cajouling will convince him otherwise. He will even sacrifice his snack for this, and just as you are about to give up - mister charming turns on the angel face and everything is forgiven. With the responsible adult feeling lower than shark shit.

Looking good

I have ridden Shanie now three days in a row, and he is still sound. I admit we have not worked very hard and definately no jumping - but he is feeling well and trotting absolutely even. Tomorrow we will do some proper work and then on Saturday go for a bit of a longer outride. Then we will see what we will see. I have decided that if he cannot jump anymore, we will focus seriously on dressage and I will go talk to my ex coach and professional to see if I cannot ride/jump some of his horses once a week. That would work out very well for me and I could still enjoy many wonderfull rides with Shanie-lee

I got feedback regarding my photos - they are nice and moody, I might have a flair for this type of thing and let's see what the future holds. Mayhap a tiny little private dream of mine might still be realised in this lifetime.

Sweaty Palms

and a dry mouth...

and all I was doing was selecting some of my photos for a portfolio. I even know her on a personal level and she will look at my work before sending (or not) it to a real critic. I feel vulnerable and exposed. Not sure why...it is not exactly as if this will have a big influence on me, my life or who I am.

My life in a sandbox

In today's councelling session we did sand box therapy. Building a story in two sandboxes, the one dry, the other wet. Lots of different props to get the imagination going.

We build a medieval/fantasy scene, complete with a dragon, castle, peasants and a DARK WOOD. Interesting thing was that we subconsiously copied the wet sand box onto the dry sand, but in a dark way. On the wet sand was a castle, a dragon in a crystal forest, and peasants working in a field with some lifestock. Phil fenced everybody in with moats and wooden fences and I was the isolated mythical dragon in a crystal cave. On the other sand box, we had a dark wood instead of a castle, treasure instead of a dragon and an oasis instead of peasants. Some comic relief cheered the dark forest up. Even though Phil selected the dark forest, I positioned it, in actual fact - I really build the dry sand box whilst Phil provided the props.

It was only in the discussion afterwards we realised how strong your subconscious mind really works. Phil had a complete emotional breakdown and we feel closer than ever.

Perhaps the rainbow will be discovered in a sandbox?

It is not gonna happen

This ship will never float, and at least it seems like Phil is going to accept it! There were a huge fight between the different parties of the new proposed joint venture with the fleet management stuff, and the whole deal is off! So, Phil is unemployed. He would have started to work there on Tuesday, instead he is home playing computer games. His cv is out on the web, and he has received quite a couple of responses, so now the long wait for the right job at the right place. We are even investigating moving out of town, to the coast!! Yeah, I have always wanted to be closer to the sea. For me, this would mean travelling to existing clients and working hard at establishing new networks.

Feelings - I am a bit concerned with finance, but VERY happy that Phil will be out of that industry and the possibility of moving FAR away from bad memories and people I do not want to bumb into at shopping malls!! I think that this is the best thing that could have happened for us. Now to wait it out and see what, where, when and how?!!!

When friends grow old

Shanie has been my companion and close friend for nearly a decade. It was love at first sight, this scrawny mall nourished ugly little baby just had to be mine and I bought him the Christmas of '98. He was just four years old and so thin you could see the vertebrae in his neck. That was the start of a friendship too close to describe to anyone else. I love him dearly and he has been my buddy, father, councellor and biggest confidant for the last eight years.

When my closest friend died in a horrendous accident one sunny day in July, I was riding him as I felt her leaving the earth. It was in his stable I slept when Phil left me the first time 8 years ago. He was the first friend E got introduced to after his birth and it was on his back that I tried to sort through my thoughts on Phil at the end of last year. When I ride that little boy I feel like we can achieve anything, like nothing in this whole world could ever be too difficult to overcome. Jumping him gives me the convidence to look the world in the face and smelling his horsey breath connects me to earth and the roots we are all tied into.

He has been slightly lame for a bit so we took some X-rays of the offending leg. The vet had me come into her practice on Wednesday to discuss the results. It seems that there are a lot of bone changes in this one leg (he crashed into a jump a couple of months after I bought him and got so badly cut that he received more than 20 stitches across his knee. Even though he is sound and has retained full flexion on that joint, he has distributed his weight differently on that leg ever since). The prognosis is not clear, but I bought him some supplements and his shoes will be changed. The vet could not tell me whether my baby will be ok in the long run - she says he might be fine for another 8 years or he might be in constant pain within the next three months. I feel totally devastated as I have always imagined we will have many more years to come. He is still relatively young, but the lack of nutrious food at a young age - during the forming years, has obviously had an influence on his bone structure. Something I have always feared.

Even if I do not have to make any hard decisions today, how should I think about this? I do not believe in keeping an animal in pain just because you love it too much to let go. But how to let go of my dearest little friend???

New projects

Just as I was lamenting the fact that my crazy schedule has slowed down and that there were no real projects in the very near future - read cashflow problems, I got this phonecall. From the South Africa National Parks Board, to invite me to quote on a desktop study, which will be the start of a far larger project. In community development and poverty relief in the rural areas surrounding the 21 national parks - now does that sound like me or does that sound like me???

I was soo excited - this is the first time that I have been invited to submit a quote under my own name - normally these things happen through the two 'agencies' or bigger businessess I consult through. PLEASE hold thumbs that I will get the job!!!! I need this soo bad as a professional, it is not even funny.

Just to stretch myself a little bit on the convidence and creative side, I discussed my photography with a good friend/ marketing consultant today and she suggested I email her my pride and joy and if she think's it is good enough - she knows an agent always looking for young artists and organises exibitions and consignments. Ack - I have never had a real crit look at my work and it is really personal. But I want to do it so bad....professional photography was my first choice for studies as a young girl but the course and equipment was too expensive for my parents, so I had to wait till I was in my 30's before we could afford a halfway decent camera and lenses.

Family matters

Oi vey it is cooking around here!!

The parents in law is getting remarried, the divorce was only a couple of years ago. All the time they were married previously it was a bit of a love hate affair. Now they have turned super religious and are taking ago at life together. Maybe they are just trying to chase the lonely bugs and fears of latter years away.

My bro screwed up somewhat and will spend his 36th birthday in jail. Not sure what the ramifications of that will be and how his future will pan out after this bit of trouble. My poor mom has been in tears for near on a week now, but as all good and loving parents will do - supports him all the way and tries to organise his life. My father is just a wreck and paces up and down till all the carpets will need replacing.

The bil's, well the older one is just finishing his role in the Sun City extravaganza and will move onto the next eye catching stage personality. His struggle with his sexuality and place in the world is ongoing, but at least he has come to love and accept himself. Something his parents are still trying to come to terms with. When will they stop trying to convince him that he is not gay??

The younger one - he is still trying to find his place in the world and has turned to scientology for all the answers. I just wish he will investigate the world and read wider before he devotes himself to such a restrictive lifestyle. Suppose we should take a bit better care of him as he is out on his own to a large extend with no tertiary education and no means to attain it. He really got the bottom end of the drawer. But he is such a nice young man and he really is doing a good job supporting himself on a minimal income. Even bought himself his pride and joy in an old dilapidated little car.

Phil resigned his job and will be working for the company that bought the other business in which he had interests, but which never really flew. That business not only cost us a lot of money, but nearly our marriage (and we are still not out of the dark) so the associations I have with it is not all that positive. Suppose, if you do not risk you do not gain. Lets see if we can keep it all together this time round.

We are back!

I told the story and posted the fun pics on the Spring 2004 board, so no sense in repeating myself. What I did not show and tell are my attempts at art, and this I will share here:

Firstly, the very expensive window breaking photo (E pressed the central locking on our car as he closed the door - this on a deserted road in the middle of the karoo. So we broke two windows to get into the car. Yes, two. Because I suggested breaking the small triangular back window first, we could however not get the car open so Phil had to break the large back window as well. Turns out the small window is about 3 times more expensive than the big one - I will never live this down)

I love this photo of the grass seeds, I took this using the manual function on my camera with an extended exposure. When I take photos I love playing with perspective and contrast. In the next photo I tried to tell the onlooker how long, lonely and outstretched this road really is
Phil does not really like this photo, because I held the camera skew when it was taken. I can see his point, as the left angle of the horizon is rather bothersome. Oh well - I was kneeling in the dirt to try and get my face as close to the earth as possible - but will look out for another opportunity and try to not have a seasick horizon.
The next photo is one of my favourites. It is of a 'windpomp' not sure what that might be in the English language and I love Love love it!! I was kneeling inbetween thorns in an open veld when I took this and my aim was to get it to fill the whole lens from corner to corner. To have a sense of it growing out of the ground and on for forever - towards the sun and the clear skies of the karoo.

I tried a couple of other shots on the way to Graaff Reinet but non of them are nice or tell the story I wanted it to tell. So, no sense in the boring details.

In Knysna it self, we stayed right at the edge of the Knysna forest and we went for a walk at Diepkelders, a rather long and strenous walk in the forest which ends in a narrow valley with a river and deep, mountain cold, water pools.
In the forest it self I took this photo of what I named the Faerie glen. It was also taken on manual with an extended exposure. The forest is quite dark and smells of mulch and water and ancient life.

Down in the valley I tried to take a photo of the water flowing over the stones with the intention of capturing the movement. This is the first time I have ever attempted to do something like that and with a little bit of advice from Phil, this was the result. I am very proud of my effort.
And on our second last day we went to the Elephant Sanctuary were we had the opportunity to touch and feed these magnificent animals. It was one of those truly larger than life experiences.
We had a lovely time and even if every day was just too short, we managed to rest and have fun together as a family. We also managed to have a deep soul discussion and I think that the way forward for us as a family will be exciting.

Now unfortunately, I have a mountain of work to do and no motivation for it whatsover!!

All ready???

Yip - we are leaving for holidays tomorrow morning at some dark hour - not that I have packed one piece of clothing yet. Still working to finish some stuff for clients that got behind with our camping in the clinic this week past. Fortunately E got a clean bill of health this morning, well kind off - we are armoured with a whole bag of medicine and back up telephone numbers, but the ped seems to think that clean sea and forest air will be just the thing for him.

I am too scared yet to get excited, so much to do still before I can start thinking that I am on holiday. But I am sure it will start to become reality for me soon enough.

I phoned the Phillipolis people today to confirm our booking, we dont know yet where we will stay in Graaff Reinet, but that is half the fun, Yes? Snacks and medicines are packed and waiting on the kitchen counter and I spend some money on a couple of new clothes and a hairstyle...lol, nothing like 'getting ready' to relax. Besides, some retail therapy after a stressed out week is never a bad thing.

Oh and I got good news today - the book I have a chapter in has been published and the first formal launch is the 6th of June, with press and speakers and cocktails!! I am so excited, it has been a long two year process of which I was not even fully aware, apart from the numerous drafts I wrote after the initial one got accepted. So, watch out for 'Globalisation and New Social Identities: A View From The Middle.' A rather thought provoking book - to certain readers, and my bit is all about identity and communication technology - specifically chatrooms!!! hehehehe, none of you feature there. Funny enough, I joined the boards after the research was completed when I tried to find a way of coping with a surprise pregnancy, lol.

Fuck It!!!

Elrich and me found ourselves sitting on a cot in the pediatric ward of our local, very expensive private clinic. Tubes and wires are running from his nostrils and left hand to various machines whirring on the background. It is dusk and his about third nebuliser treatment was, for this our first day in hospital, just completed. He looks around him at all the blinking lights, sighs deeply and then exclaims in this rather loud toddler voice: "Fuck it!!"

I could not help but agree with him.

Even thinking back, no other expression coming from anyone could have summed up my or his emotions in a better way. So I agreed, and left it at that. Not sure what the other two mothers thought of his insight in matters emotional.

Poor kiddo, he will probably be in hospital till Thursday with bronchial pneumonia - maybe that was what my small voice of disaster was all about?? Should I take a newly out of hospital kid on a cross country trek?

Going on holiday!!

Next week Friday we are set to leave for 10 days holiday!! I am very excited to go, even if some little sceptical voice keeps telling me that something will happen and we would not be able to go. This voice has been so convincing that I have left confirming our booking so long at the one place that we lost it - fortunately I could find another little place close by, a bit more pricey but as nice and they gave me a 10% discount on the overall booking. SO I paid the deposit, and confirmed that we will be there. I still have a nagging feeling that something are gonna prevent us from going, maybe it is just all the disappointments over the last two years that is raising its ugly head here??

Well here is a link to the place we are gonna stay at www.forestedge.co.za, isn't it just totally gorgeous and romantic??

We are taking a slow drive down there, it is about 1,200 km. First night we are sleeping in a little town called Philippolis, who has the dubious reputation of being in the centre of SA, and one of the oldest towns in the freestate http://www.philippolis.org.za/ . Our plan is to leave home Friday night and get there in time for breakfast and E waking up. After a relaxing day spend investigating the town and surrounds we want to drive to Graaff - Reinette the next day http://www.graaffreinet.co.za/, where I want to go the Valley of Desolation and Nieu Bethesda http://www.nieubethesda.co.za/. WE will be in this area till the 12th of April, after which we drive down to Knysna, Forest edge and my best friend's wedding Saturday the 16th of April. I think it will be fun and we are visiting places I have never seen as an adult.

After all the crazyness of March, a relaxing quiet holiday in beautifull scenery with good food is just what we need!! Now lets hope it all happens as planned.

It is Friday!!

We made it! true to form though, my client changed deadlines on me and the presentation was yesterday. I had to work like fiend on Wednesday, halfway through the day I discovered that one of the functions I was using in SPSS has expired. EXPIRED!!! We just payed 12 g's for this programme and one of the function expired after three months! Turns out that they allow you to use the full funtionality of the programme for a month after you started to use the package and then some of the more 'advanced' functions expires and you have to pruchase it as seperate modules - for another 7 g's a shot!! Seven thousand to use the tables....I nearly had a heart attack. Told the client I could not do the one graph for him and then woke up Tursday morning at 3:30 with another solution to the problem clear as day in my head. SO I got up, changed the report and presentation and emailed it to dear client - must have reached him at 5:00 in the morning. He was over the moon when I told him and all in all the presentation went really well!

So that is one job taken care of, now all that remains is the Thabazimbi stuff - I have done the exam paper, organised the external and even made a spare moment this morning to ride Shanie. LIfe is starting to look more relaxed - still have to find a place to stay at Knysna for our holidays week after next.....Ack, Still waiting for my client to pay me, guess I cant pay deposits until that is sorted.

It is done - almost

The first draft report was handed in to the client, before the deadline.....now it is not 100%. A bit of editing here and there, some tables and charts to add and cleaning of the TOC, but it is 90%.

Typically to my style, though , I totally overperformend and the client cannot believe the quality of this, my half done draft. I am very happy, relieved, and totally deflated.

I think the pressure and stress of motherhood, my marriage, and successfull professional nearly burned me out. I could not see out of my eyes for a good 3 days and on our Thabazimbi trip (again) on Wednesday my collegue kept telling me how "absolutely terrible' I look.

Gee thanks, I now feel much better knowing I look exactly like I feel.

So, life is slowly winding down. Only one more totally crazy week in which I must complete the Thabazimbi stuff, present my last honours class for this quarter, hand in the exam questions, finalise the draft report and prepare a presentation of the results to the Exco on Friday morning.

Falling back

I feel like I am taking one step forward only to fall three back

It seems to me that we are going to this marriage councelling and it is wonderfull but real life did not change

I still feel lonely, cut off and isolated

I try to talk to phil about it and he says that he is just tired. Now what does that mean? Is he depressed, unhappy or overworked.

He agrees with every thing I say, but nothing changes

It is so frustrating

When is enough enough, and how would I know that the rainbow is not around the next corner?

Go away!!

As I am wrestling with Elrich to get him undressed and in the bath, all I hear is 'go away - go away!!" Now standing upside down trying to undress a two year old rolling on the bathroom floor, whilst you have your own swollen, throbbing eye is just no fun. So I decided to take his advice and 'Go away' . It took about 2 seconds flat for him to be on my lap, cuddling into my arms as I sat exhausted on the toilet seat.

What a cute little body.

The fight started all over as soon as I put him in the tub!!I do not know why he did not want to bath tonight, maybe it has something to do with the medicine that have been following bathtime all week this week...

That's it!!

Now I have an eye infection!! I can only see out of the right eye as my left one is soo swollen, I look like a war hero. And if that is not enough that I now do analysis with a bandage around my head and two dimensional vision, they have moved my deadline forward to Friday! This Friday, yikes that is the morning after tomorrow!! And I have only one eye and so much to do

Fortunately E is fine and the school does not think he needs to spend his time at home recovering anymore. Can I send anyone a sicknote? Do you think they'll care???