July 29

This time of year is always hard. For me, July 29 defines sorrow and loss. Expressed in poetry....a friendship and a hurt too deep to understand

MVA 1966

A number, A Code
Maybe once a person
Life and the lack of it
Would that be...death?

Define it

Loss.... white framed by blue
A Clinical room - why blue?
The curtain, the blanket
A little blood
Soaking wet clothes and a dustbin bag
Is that what is left?

No

Memories
Sunlight in her eyes
Smoke and a sexy voice
Understanding
A body responding
Would that be sin?

Is love a burden?

How do you define an emotion, how do you explain a burning?
What is the difference between sorrow and ecstasy?

How many answers are there to a question?

Personality types

I think my kid has a type A personality.

Everything is always organised in straight neat lines, his cars, his books, his food and even the kiddies chairs at a local outdoor restaurant

I have never given any credence to starsigns, but this I find amuzing. The only person he shares this 'everything has to be in line trait' with, is my mother. And the two of them have the same starsign. Now, I would not run out and write a thesis on this, but it is a curious coincidence.

I have also started to let him loose in the shopping mall - pushing a kiddies sized trolley for mommy to shop with. HE LOVES THIS, and insists on putting everything in the trolley and taking it out at the till to pay for it. Now everytime we drive past a shopping mall he wants to go in and 'koop kossies, mama' (buy food). He loves shopping!! Maybe I will be the first mom to raise a male that enjoys shopping??!! Is this possible, or even wanted?

Crazy words

I have been working non stop, but in a short break the other day, my poor la la land buddy was left with this bit of poetry

How can you live
my life
from where you are standing
walk in my shoes
if
you want to feel my footsteps
I want to cry
In the agony of my red hot mind.


Not written for her, or about her, just crazy words racing from my mind

Photo shoot

So oupa came to visit and took all these photos with his new cellphone! Actually I was feeling like I had a stalker for the weekend, suppose my poor baby must feel like this all the time as I happily snap away!

The new sleek neat look with the hair all prim and proper - and a real pose to boot in front of his art on the bedroom wall.
For those 'foreigners' who know nothing about the SA potjiekos culture - this is the real thing happily stewing away on a wintery Sunday afternoon.
My baby growing up!
The famous 'treehouse' so yes, we indulged in some poetic licence. And my dear dh decided that if there were no branches sticking out it would not be a treehouse at all - now I have heart failure every time it even remotely looks as if e will play/ climb around on it. Fortunately for the sanity of all concerned it is barely a meter high - pheww

Techno Kids

I must admit, even though I spend a lot of intimate time with my computer, I am a novice when it comes to technology. For me, the press of a button are always executed with some feeling of trepidation, some deeply instilled fear of the unfamiliar.

Not so for young e.

Not only does he switch the TV on and starts his DVD all by himself, I caught him today, switching the TV on with his forefinger, whilst simultaneously switching the DVD player on with his big toe!!!! (our DVD player stands on the ground below the TV)

I am in awe, here be dragons no more!!

The mining site and other recent photos

Approximately one year from now this will be covered in gravel, tailing dams and mine dumps. Even though they do environmental impact assessments and are sensitive to any red data species, the reality is that money talks, and nature not. I suppose it is good for the economy and does employ a lot of people. Just sad that a beautiful remote area will become visually spoiled like that.

Autumn in the front and summer in the background, I just like the colours of the stones and slightly distorted view of the trees in the background here, this was taken at a weekend we spend a while ago with my parents at a local river.
I really like this study of a dead tree - going up for ages, suggesting the roots should be deep as well..mm I think I must enlarge and frame it with the similar study I did of the windmill...one iron, one wood - the same colours though.


This is such a warm photo, all credit to go to Phil though - he takes amazing photos in the dark. I have to work with natural light and shadows.

And the little man himself, caught unexpected by his mother. I love autumn colours and the falling leaves. He had his very first haircut shortly after the photo was taken. I need to take some pictures of him with his new sleek look

Internal Injuries

I am still bleeding on the inside - the symptoms are not always there, but the smallest things sets me off. Like Phil not phoning me, or not answering his phone when I call him. Looking at me, not looking at me. Making love, not making love.

I am not looking for faults and I am not saying anything to him, but I just keep falling to pieces half the time. Curling up in a fetal possie on our bed, surfing the net at ungodly hours, switching off in the middle of sex.

Is it just a question of time?

Should I be doing something else about this?

I want to be with him, I believe we can be happy together. We have everything anyone could ask for. How do I move on?

Small mercies

I am so glad this did not happen in my house!! Neither does any of these little ones belong to me or anyone I know!!

Yikes, but my mother has a story of my brother, me and a tin of black paint.

'Ogies' and other trouble in our house

The drive to school at the moment involves a lot of 'momma ogies die son skyn, feiss feisss' followed by 'momma draai links, draai links' the little voice at the back of the car getting louder and more demanding with each passing meter. This more or less translates to 'the sun is shining in my eyes, turn left' as he knows that if we turn left the sun will be behind us and we can all return to a peacefull conversation about all the trucks, backhacters, bakkies and cars passing us on the road.

E loves telling me what to do, and since he has learned that we turn either left or right at most stop signs or street corners, he keeps yelling to me which way to go everytime we slow down or come to a dead stop. This is rather funny most of the time as he clearly has no idea where we ought to go.

Last night I forgot that e insists on holding the cup and pouring the milk himself so I did it all for him without thinking even once about the reasons for the upset little face staring at me. I mean I am giving him the milk he asked for, yes?? My trouble got rewarded by a boy who calmly took the mug and turned it upside down on the floor - stating that he wants to hold the cup himself.

Breath in.......breath out, repeat a million times.

Desperate Measures

Last night I worked late in my little office - well a converted garage really, and every now and then I thought I could here my little guy crying. But it was not his usual time to be awake - if he does wake at night it normally is around three in the morning.

About fifteen minutes later when I eventually decided I better investigate, the poor kid was near hysterical. Standing on his toy dump truck (which kept on dumping him) he was trying to open the passage door in the pitch dark.

Needless to say, he was not impressed with his mother at all. A happy ending required the close presence of my body all night long.

Tension release

I think I can now with confidence declare that I am not pregnant

My period started, a bit early by all accounts, but still. The only concern I have is that I still wake up nauseaus most mornings. Could this be anything other but menstrual blood? There was a bit of cramping the first day, and the flow is definately more than I normally experience.... mmm

On another note, I am bone tired today. Yesterday I had to play Russian Roullette between dodging the potholes and missing the oncoming trucks for 6 hours. It was an exhausting trip on a very narrow mountain road, with nothing at the end of it. This road literally ends on a mountain, with no one around. No communities on the proposed piece of land for mining at all. I was very surprised. It is sad though that such a prestine nature area will be turned into slime dams and mine dumps.

Living in a Treehouse

Days like today make all the councelling and emotional hard work worth my while.

Sitting in the mild sunshine watching Phil labour away building little e a treehouse. The construction is no higher than a meter, but made by hand. Even the wooden slats was cut from a tree in our garden, cleaned and lashed together. Every boy needs a fantasy treehouse and this one is very cute. We weaved some younger flexible branches through the sturdy framework to make a kind of platform to sit on and there are various options for climbing and hanging.

It is simple and basic, but it glows with the love and pride of a dad for his son

Quicksilver or addiction?

I am chasing my thoughts around and just as I think I have them all rounded up, they burst into a miriad different little balls, scattering all over the place.

So I obsessively check all the blogs I read (and those are getting more numerous by the day), my email (maybe a reply from my bud in la la la land...or from Canada - No, only an invite to their housewarming - would love to come but it is a long trip and I am sure la la la land is still asleep), the forum.......nothing new.

Start rounding up the thoughts again.

Burst

Five minutes later I am checking the internet again.

Caught Out

I am still nauseaus.

Yesterday I had an early morning meeting close to one of our large malls, so I duck in there afterwards to buy a pee stick. It only had one line, I checked a couple of times. What amuses me is the fact that I felt a tiny bit of dissapointment at the sight. Dissapointment??? Oh come on girl...you should be estatic. This is crazy.

Phil shaved his head last night - a sure sign that he is feeling cramped. I think the corporate responsible job and scare of a pregnancy got to him. We need to communicate. Thing is, he is suppose to (by order from the councellor) to initiate conversations on sensitive, emotional subjects. He does not. So I will have to broach the subject and ask him, taking control, again.

I really do love him, and he is not a bad guy at all. He actually is very caring, considerate (do not want to hurt me - huge guilt complex there) so do not confront or discuss potentially hurtfull things. He does not get it that his non discussion is far more hurtfull, lonely and scary. And he is scared of disagreement, conflict or any other form of possible rejection. That keeps him safely hidden behind his ten foot walls.

Nausea

I have been nauseas for two days now, feeling like I have eaten a huge big cream cake. This is very much how I felt when I was newly pregnant with e. And my nipples are tingling, like my milk wants to come down........but it is only 7 days since the lost condom scenario. I also feel very amoreous, all the time, and overly emotional and my period is only due at the end of the month.

When Shae-lynne came to visit I told her that I do not want another kiddo, not now, and I don't think ever. The emotional trauma and associations I have with childbirth and young babies are not an argument for more children at all. She was not convinced. I am not ready though to throw the baby gear out either as this nagging little voice keeps on telling me my family is not complete. But geez, as is obvious, I am still trying to find myself and get our marriage back in the green zone.

I keep on telling myself it is just all in my head - and maybe it is. I had to laugh at a colleague the other day. She is about 18 weeks pregnant and she mentioned that it took her three weeks to acknowledge the pregnancy - kinda like if I dont say anything, maybe babe will just be reabsorbed in my body and I would not have to deal with all of it. And they were consciously trying to have a second child.......

On Trust

It not so much that I fear him having a relationship with another woman again

It is that I do not trust him to stick with us through thick or thin

It is that I do not trust he is truly happy with me

It is that I do not trust he wants me

It is that I think he is doing this marriage thing because he believes it is right

It is that I fear loving him and being lonely again

I will rather be on my own than be an emotionally isolated wife

The comrades

So we were all gathered on the roof top last night - happy faces, proud faces, families, colleagues and good friends.

The view was freaking amazing, sundown over the city with the mine dumps, slums, skyscrapers and glossy glassy financial headquarters all bathed in burnt orange and smog. It is winter in the highveld and the fires are burning.

I think my friends were prouder of my accomplishment than I were myself.

My copy was signed by the editors and the few die heart party animals that stayed later than the rest. I only got my copy right at the end as I was too focussed on having fun and drinking - more - redwine. Goodness, I am not an alcholic, I promise. I just seem to be celebrating a lot lately heheheheheee

And I am still busy grading papers

Grading papers

So after yesterday's over indulgence in good red wine, I have to finish grading all the papers today. I have been silently suffering through badly written essays for long enough now....This takes the cake:

Since they are worried about money, there is a new idea for the toilet role business. What's good about this idea is that globalisation can tell the world it has arrived. What the tile role business can do is create a new toilet role. On this new toilet role they can print the freedom charter on it. This is the sad reality of South Africa . Equal rights and equal opportunities are reduced to the value of toilet role. Such situations can make one vomit.

The above is an unedited rendering of the original intellectual contributions my students are making regarding globalisation and neo liberal policies. Whilst I appreciate and agree with his viewpoint, this is a long paper in post graduate studies. Comparisons with anal functions are a little bit out of place, I would think.

X rated entry

Before you read this, know that I am well wined

Last night we had sex, good sex, so good that the condom got lost in me. I did not know that this could happen, but it did. Hopefully Shae-lynne was not be conceived. This is the girl that visited me in my dreams, and told me that I am to be her mother.

Today I had too much red wine, far too much. I am typing this as e is bathing with daddy - trying to get the bright blue paint from his nekkid body. We spend all afternoon in the garden, galloping with e and drinking lotsa red wine. Did I tell you that I loved red wine. Did I mention that every word has been typed twice?? On tuesday it is the book-launch - I am hurt cause mom and dad could go to my bro's courtcase, but my book launch is too expensive. I know I am whining, but why should negative attention attract more than the positive??

My clean cut two year old's gay god father will be visiting soon - I cannot wait for his arrival as he always seem to cheer the little guy up no end!!

Ok, enough now!!

Growing Up?

We have made progress

Tonight I caught E drinking straight from the milkbottle. No fuss. No mess. He even put the cap back on and returned the whole lot to the fridge. I am not sure whether I should be pleased or horrified.

He will go for his very first hair cut tomorrow, at 13:30 at a kiddies place called 'Chop It' I am very sad that his baby locks are gonna go. Thing is, he does not have a lot of hair, it is just so stringy and untidy now.

For some reason he decided this week to call Phil by his first name - so now there is this little voice in the house calling 'Phillie.....Philliieeeeeee' Is this good or bad?

His favourite pass time is to stand in the bath, bend his knees, arch his back slightly, grap his penis and pee on everything in sight.............He will NOT pee in his potty.