A ball of sobs

Today was a really bad day. I had to go to a 12:00 a clock meeting and at 11:00 I was still in a foetal position in my bath, balling my eyes out. I think I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I figured these are the reasons:
It is just about three months after the final break-up, it always takes me three months to break down after any disaster
Ne Dean died yesterday, five years ago, my most difficult day in the year
And the bulk of the stress of all my work is over, I dont absolutely have to consentrate on work every waking minute

So, really, it is a good sign

I have stocked up on the beer and prawns

Is the message I got today, when are you coming to visit me again? Lol, and i thought he totally gave up on me. See I had to phone last week to apologise for bad behaviour, only to be rewarded with a brushing down that I am not ready for a relationship. With one eyebrow raised I could not help but wonder, who ever spoke about a relationship. I thought we were friends.....silly me.

So I just left it at that, thinking you idiot. Of course I am not ready for a relationship - I cannot even commit to the purchase of furniture. Forget about something resembling anything vaguely more intense than a casual friendship.

And I would really like one of those, I must add.

Not sure if it is the message, the fact that I am still OK, even if I am 'The crazy freaking girl' or whether it was the absolutely magnificant performance of the Lion King, but I feel so at peace tonight.

No mom, my name is Elrich!

Elrich's biggest thing at the moment is to be 'a big strwong boy' that has 'dragon powers' and fights his friends on the trampoline...I know, the fighting really is just wrestling with his five year old buddy that stays on the same property. The two circle one another on the edge of the trampoline, then move in for the kill! whoever gets the other one on the ground first is the proclaimed winner. And there are rules to this, ones they made themselves. No hitting, throwing or bouncing and a couple I cant quite get.

There are lots of firsts in our lives at the moment. Today we are going to see 'The Lion King' theatre production. Bought tickets ages ago and today was the first open slot they had. I am excited and just hopes that e will manage to sit through it and enjoy it. He has been to the movies a couple of times, but never the theatre. Next week is his first school outing, they are going by public transport and he is sooo excited about riding in the bus. Nevermind his mothers heart beating in her throat to have her little precious going to the zoo with public transport. And in the first week of September he has his first sports day at school, he is in team Impala and have to dress in the team colours of red and white. Where did the time go?

All About A Boy

This is one of my most favourite recent pictures of E. For me, it just captures what boys are all about


Young man E stealing all the hearts at my friend's wedding in April. I can only now start to look at the couple of pictures I took during that holiday

That Time of the Year Again

It was parent teacher conference time at E's school. I was curious to find out how my little boy has adapted to the new school and whether he is showing any signs of stress from the recent changes at home. I have spoken to the teachers often, just quickly before class and they always assured me that he is doing fine, so I was not really worried.

The set up in E's classroom is a head directress, two assitent directresses and a helper. I got talked to and interviewed by all three the teachers. I felt like it was a panel interview for an important job, and maybe it was?

It was very reassuring talking to them, hearing that my kid is a well adjusted, friendly little boy. Everybody likes him very much. They made very similar comments to the first school he was at. Unbelievable concentration span, good development of spatial/visual discrimination. And they picked up on his fetish to count things, everything, all the time. He does this at home as well. He loves working in the science section and always plays with the magnets. At home we have a couple of magnet sets as well and he is always building things with those. He has not established a dominant hand as yet and can draw, cut, colour and build with both hands equally. Apparently he is starting to relate stories to them, which I am very happy about as his language development has always concerned me a little bit. He is not the youngest in the class anymore and loves helping other children to pack up their work and tidy the class.

They were very surprised when I told them that he has quite the temper, not sure they believed me! I got the name of an experienced family psychologist and play therapist. I am going to see her at the end of the month, just to talk about him and find out what are the little things I must watch out for in terms of his development and potential stress from the divorce.

The Dinner

It was a short flight and I landed in tropical weather at about 11:00. I made my grand entrance onto foreign soil by falling down the stairs at the airport door. As I tried to gather my belongings and my dignity, a very nice portugese speaking black man approached and relieved me of most of my luggage. Looking up, I saw this rather imposing figure behind him, smiling, just before he drew this rather disheveled african girl dressed in camo pants into a typical meditareanean embrace.

We spend most of the afternoon at his restaurant, drinking local beer, eating seafood and chatting away. It does not feel like I have just met him, and we tease each other incessantly. Much later, as it started to get cold and dark, we went back to his apartment (where I stayed), sat on the balcony, smoked cigars and had some good scotch. He got a bit amoreous but I backed out and shortly after fell asleep on the couch.....duh, to be woken hours later with a 'babes, would you care to join me for dinner?'. After all, this was the whole idea, yes? Working 15 hour days for more than a week non stop made for a bit of a tired guest.

I went to bed shortly after dinner. I know...terrible. He was such a good host though, sensitive for what I needed and mature enough to give me space a whole lot of emotional support. Sunday we went for a very energetic walk around town, a good three hours or so. Back home, we relaxed with classical music, had lunch, slept some more on the couch, watched tv and were comfortable together like we have know each other for years. It was quite freaky.

So now I am back home and I have gained a friend. I am not sure what he thinks of his date, but I am well rested!

Dream with me, tonight

I have just assumed that MSV (Maple syrup voice) is a terrible womanizer. Not caring too much about it as I do not have any expectations about this, I was caught for a six yesterday morning. He sends me a message on Tuesday night murmuring that I must 'dream with him this night' and I chose to ignore it. Simply because it got my heart rate up to about 140 miles an hour and I did not want to react like a love struck teenager. Early the next morning another follows in the first's footsteps, which are also ignored. Partly because I have a big presentation with scary government officials and partly because my heart rate has not slowed down from the previous message.

It was not long before I got the call. Water over pebbles, thick Mediterranean accent wanting to know if 'my girrrrl is ookey, why you do not return any messagches?' I throw the lame excuse that I am terrified of the presentation and was not quite focused on his attentions (yeah right, I am hiding from you, can't you see). He reassuringly murmurs that I must just come to him and he will sort anyone out that just looks potentially threatening.

I am left breathless...again.

Dinner invitation

I have accepted a dinner invitation with maple syrup voice.....to do that, I have to fly to another country. My flight leaves on Saturday morning, early. Dinner will be home cooked, at his beach house. He refers to his driver, his security and his housekeeper like everybody has those.........I am totally intrigued. We even had a loud disagreement the other night (my first with the opposite sex ever!).

I have a feeling we are both a bit loud, determined and over the top, not sure. Last night he wanted to know if I want to sleep in the/his? hotel, or his apartment. In my own room of course...lol.

I am drawn like a moth to an open flame.

Emerging woman

So with my usual panache to find the most practical solution to a difficult emotional problem, I decided to sign up on a dating website. Yes, a dating website. I even posted this picture. I kid you not, it has been a week and I am at the TOP of the favourite charts. I cannot believe it, who would have known?? Really nice men too, that are talking to me. I am fully aware that this is not real and all the nice things they are saying are probably mass produced and send to five different women. But it does not matter at all. It has given me something that I have lost. I feel far more socially acceptable and desirable than what I have felt for years. I never realized, but these things are important for a soul’s wellbeing. The woman in me got so shriveled up and dried out that the mother and consultant totally took her over.

I must be honest, I am not really looking for a relationship but it is a whole lot of fun. And I did meet this really really really nice man. I think I like him too much, he is of Mediterranean descend and his voice sounds like maple syrup. Ahhh it has done me good.

It is snowing in Gauteng

Can you believe it! Not were we stay though, we are too high out here and it always is a couple of degrees warmer this side of town. This gorgeous photo is not my handy work - I downloaded it from the Mail & Guardian website


And just to remind myself of the much warmer weather we had a couple of days ago - more game reserve photos. Yes, I know I must stop day-dreaming and get on with real life
My giant baobab tree
Our car was surrounded by buffalo - you could here the little noices they were making as they were grazing

The weekend

The fence and gate at the bushcamp where we stayed was really non exsistant. It was fun taking the 80m dash in the middle of the night to the ablution facilities ;-)The overnight hut in which we stayed, it is not for general use by tourists.
My little man fast asleep in the back window of the Jeep - he was so well behaved throughout all the slow drives we took around the park
A giant baobab - I love love love trees - I took some mesmerizing close ups of this tree's trunk. Whilst lying on my back underneath with 'Oubaas' watching out for me! It was so much fun
This girl was amazing to watch - she got very close to car

The Kruger National Park

Share in the beauty

Still around

So the trip to the game reserve was really amazing. We saw all of the big five and so many lions and elephants it got boring......I took beautiful pictures (I think) but have not even had time to go to the mall to get them developed. I will make an attempt this weekend.

And I went to speak to a divorce lawyer last week. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do emotionally. To unpack this mess infront of a man I am sure have seen everything and worse. My intimate details. I managed to do it with a well placed joke here and there. I think he really appreciated that - the humour that is. Why do I always have to be strong and positive when I talk about myself to other people? I cannot even break down in councelling. That is only reserved for dark nights under the duvet, and mostly only in my dreams. Vivid loud dreams. Suppose that is a clear indication that my subconscious is very busy sorting through the mess.

It is hard, no jokes aside. I think I will be fine. I need to find me again and I need to believe in the woman in me. I have confidence in me the mother, me the consultant, me the person....but me the woman, is just a scared little girl.

There are still nice people in this world

As the saying goes, it never rains it pours.

My car was due to get new shocks and other minor repairs yesterday before we go on our long drive today. So on the way to the workshop I notice a new sound, well really an overwelming noice that reminded me of driving my grandfather's tractor. And the loss of power. So as my little car tututututut up the hill in peak traffic to E's school I was wondering if this new addition to her list of ailments are cause of concern.

An hour later at the workshop the mechanic comes to me with the kind of face that I would imagine a doctor to have when they deliver the terminal illness diagnosis to close family members. Since the workshop refers to me as 'the girl that do not have any money' (I have no idea how that impression was created, maybe something to do with my broken knee jeans and 10 year old little skedonk with the child seat in the rear) they always feel sorry for me when I bring my little car in and I always take advantage of that. You get discount on labour and they shop around for better prices. So 'the face' was worrisome as this happen to be an expensive month already and I worked very few hours in May.

'Sorry Mam, but your head cylinder gasket has blown' sounds like greek to me so I asked for the explanation. In short it means a whole lot of money, and I will only get my car back the earliest on Thursday afternoon. This will never do as my meeting is on Thursday morning and I am going to the game reserve..dammit.

As I lament my miserable bad luck and the fact that I will not, will not, will not phone Phil to help me out a girlfriend phones and immediately picks up on my emotional state. I cry in her ear and she listens with the attention just a woman can give you, and ten minutes later phones back to say that I must stop crying, she will bring me her car and I better get my bag packed and my camera ready as she does not want to see me again before Sunday night!!

I cried again, just because I could

I have been really teary lately

I found out last week that Phil never changed his ways - that he has been having an affair with another girl for at least four months. Not only that, he has double dated her with the previous affair from two years ago.

This has opened the proverbial floodgate of tears in me. I have been crying on and off for days now. I have so much pressure at work at the moment and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry my little heart out.

I am leaving to go to site tomorrow. Elrich will come with me and on Friday we are going camping with my cousin in the Kruger National Park. In a wilderness hut, far removed from the tourists and beaten track. I think I will take my camera and just become quiet for a day or two. Peace in the bushveld

A day in my life

Momma, ek het my broek nat te piepie….it is still pitch dark outside. The whimpering little voice is coming from right next to me. Right next to me! Oh no, that means my bed is soaking wet. My fingers move gingerly over to locate the body…feel around, yip, confirmed, everything soaked. Oi

I just pull the whole lot off his body, bundle the cold wet little legs against me and wish for time to stand still and us to doze of again. Not a chance. My nose gets pulled, ears rubbed, cheeks licked. The last one I cannot stand and with a sigh the covers are thrown back and a tired, stiff body expelled from the heat (been horse riding again lately).

An hour later and the kid is fed, clothed and cleaned up, we are on our way to school. I am still in my pajamas…who will notice? The plan is to bath and dress in time for my eleven o’clock meeting. I was so tired the previous night that I did not work on any of the stuff I was suppose to work on over the weekend – procrastination, my best friend.

The phone does not stop ringing, this is in itself a challenge as I have to run around with the ringing thing in my hand to try and locate a signal strong enough to answer it….a bit like a metal detector, the never ending search for connection. This scenario is repeated numerous times before eleven, once with the laptop in hand as well. Only problem was that the spot with the best signal also had the most sunlight and I could not read the numbers on the screen.

At last, I get away, late but not miserably so for the 11:00 o’clock. On my way there I land in one of SA most high tech environments. The scanning of number plates to see if you have any outstanding traffic fines or warrants for your arrest. I get pulled over. A very friendly officer asks for my driver’s license. With trepidation the little card gets handed over. She returns shortly with a long list of offenses, all for September 2005 and all on the same stretch of road where I was traveling 95 in an 80 zone. A R 1000.00 bucks later I am on my way home, the client was not even available and forgot to let me know he has to go out to the mining site. I promise to phone the next day to reschedule.

Back home/office I am doing washing, searching for signal, writing up reports and trying to decipher complicated mining business models. And in the back of my head I have this little refrain ..stupid fucking asshole, stupid fucking asshole……I just hope I do not answer my phone with the first words that comes into my head.

Tips for South African Mothers

I received this in my inbox today:

Safety Hints and Tips from the NHPA:

1 If at any time you have to open the gate yourself, switch off the vehicle, leave the key in the ignition and close the door. Then open the gate.
2 If you have small children in the vehicle, take the key with you (this is the only exception). You then need the key as a “negotiating tool”. The perpetrators want your vehicle and you want your children.
3 If your children are older, it is advised that they exit the vehicle with you when opening the gate so that you are all separated from the vehicle should a hijack occur.
4 Check rear-view mirror to ensure you are not being followed.
5 When exiting your vehicle, be cautious and aware of surrounding obstructions and shrubbery that may be concealing a hijacker.
6 Never sit in your parked vehicle without being conscious of your surroundings. Sleeping in a stationary vehicle is particularly dangerous.
7 When approaching your driveway, be on the lookout for suspicious vehicles / persons. This is very important as the majority of hijackers approach their victims in home driveways.
8 Inspect the outside and inside of the vehicle before unlocking. (Tyre, number plate, other side of the vehicle – as explained during the hijack prevention & survival course)
9 Know your destination and directions to it; and be alert should you get lost.
10 Always drive with your windows closed and doors locked.

Now why does this just not seem right to me?

A staircase into myself

I am standing at the top of a staircase, at the countdown I walk into myself. Getting younger and younger with every step. At the bottom I become ageless. Drifting and floating, just a consciousness.

The words are pictures.

Some tie my stomach in an anxious knot, others let me drift and flow. I am send twirling through dreamscapes, I relive unknown memories, I visit vividly strange spaces.

In this bodyless place my mind is huge. It is a light. It shines in all directions.

My age.....infinate

When will it happen?

I keep waiting for the penny to drop

That proverbial emotional breakdown.

All I feel is relief

It is tinged with sadness, but a sadness that a future I so strongly believed in was really my fantasy. It had no foundation in reality. I can see that now.

Just not good enough

It has started already.

I cannot do anything right. 'No momma, you do not say Elrich like this, it must be like thiiiss 'EL-ric'. No point in arguing that one, I have tried, just change the subject and ask him how school was today. Got told to please not talk to him as he does not feel like talking to me. 'Ok then' I said, just to hear 'Mommy, I said, dont talk to me! Ok?' This is a problem, see, cause what do I answer? Ok...then I am in trouble again. If I dont say anything, the whining from the back of the car will not stop...Oh well, nearly home I think.

A loud coughing fit in the back, so I peek in the rearview mirror, and ask him if he is ok. 'I am just having a bad hoes (cough) he says.' As is my habit, I repeat the whole sentence to him in afrikaans, with a question mark at the end. And get lectured for ten minutes because I did not pronounce 'hoes' with the correct emphasis, according to the linguist, EL-ric.

And I wonder, what will it be like when he is a wise-guy 10 year old?