Self discovery

Yelling from the bath tup
'look mom my lips are PINK'
'yes honey your lips are beautiful and pink' as I come through the door
to find him staring at himself in the reflection of the tap
'oh they are soooo cute' was his response

I could only grin

Only to be told that mommies and daddies kiss on the lips, followed by serious nodding and stretching of the eyes
Oh I said

Our Holiday in Pictures

In Malaysia, I was in love with the beaches, the sea and the scenery. And before anyone asks - no I did not take a photo, there will be no evidence of my folly ;-)
Please can I join the circus school? I LOVED the trapeze, I honestly spend most my free time on flying through the air. Or floating when I was not flying hehehehehe
Our christmas tree - I could not get it to stand up straight. Oh well, at least we had a tree and it had lights and pressies underneath
A crater caused by an asteroid - this is typical scenery in the North West Province were my folks stay
E on the airoplane, we are on our way to Knysna!!
Our budding photographer on Gillie's lap - she is my soul-sister and living in Calgary - too far away is what I say
E playing cards with the big boys on one of the little boats
All of us for a sail on Charlotte - it was so much fun!!

The world is just such a strange place right now

E did not want to go to school today, he would have gone anywhere else but not to school, my home, his daddy's house, oupa - but please mom, I dont want to go to school! he was crying and clinging to me as they pried him from my arms

My close friend got hijacked yesterday. They held a gun to her head as they made her lie face down on the brick drive way. Then they manhandled her as they stole all her jewelry from her body. Fortunately she did not get really hurt

There is a man that wants to give me everything I have ever wanted with Phil. I am not even close to ready to let him into my life. It is really weird though as I have such a strong desire at the moment to be part of a happy family, have more children, have somebody come home to me and love me. Feel emotionally secure in the knowledge that we are a little unit that will face life together.

Embrace Me

'Hold my hand I'll help you through it'

the offer is genuine

it is coming from someone that actually really cares

cares so much he is scaring himself

but still he will stand there for me

when I can offer him little in return

when all I want to do is run away

far far away

It is conversations like this that really gets to me

Mom, you do NOT have your own house
Yes baby we do, remember we have our new house that is for mommy and Elrich
No you dont, you must go and live with daddy
but baby, we cant do that, we have our own house and we must stay there
No mom, you must go and live with daddy for a looooong time
Why must I live with daddy?
Because you love him
But baby I love you very much
Yes, you love me, but you also love daddy, that is why. You love both me and daddy and you must go and stay with him for a long time

I am in a really bad place right now

I so wish I could turn the clock back
I wish Phil would have made better decisions
So we could still be a family

Work has really slowed down for me
to a trickle
I know it is the beginning of the year
and it will start up again soon
but i really dont have the energy to do anything about it
I have names and numbers to call for business
but I am too scared that they will say
NO

I think if they do, I will just curl up and cry

On Mortality

Mom I don't want to die
cause wise if I am dead
you will miss me too much

It is all a process

I still miss him
My body sometimes aches for his touch
I have vivid dreams of us doing fun things together

but at least
I dont wait for him to come home at night

Of all the things we cannot eat

We are driving to John's house (another story) to go for a swim and catch up on the sun, shining for the first time in ten days. E and me are having a little everyday conversation when he starts reminding me of all the things we should not be doing

Mom we must not smack
No E we dont smack people
And we must not be rude
no we must not be rude to people
.....and mom we must not eat houses
? no e, we dont eat houses
And we must not eat grass
No we dont eat grass
And we must not eat childrens
??? no E we dont eat childrens
yes, cause wise their mouths are dirty and so we cant eat them
and the list of things we are not allowed to eat carries on for a loong time, it includes, ants, airoplanes, flies, cars and walls. To end with mom, we only must eat food - very satisfied smile on his face

Then the back seat driver pipes up - careful mom don't crash your car! No e mom will be carefull because we dont want to crash our car. Yes, if we crash our car, it will be broken and we will have to walk and that will be trouble. Yes, my son, big trouble and a new car is expensive and we dont have money to buy another one.
But mom, I have money, I will buy you a new car - it will blue and a faster space-ship car! And of we went on a discussion of spaceships and faster cars, which ended in him being reminded of the the 'faster boat' he rode in over the holidays....

Non-Sense-Ability

Of all the things in life that don’t make sense
To me it is emotions that are the most confusing
How can you want and not
Equally?

A gift
Or a burden
Pleasure
Or pain
Freedom
Or captivity

They are all the same

What I received in my inbox last night

hi darling
i am in holiday in tunisia at home
i want to see you again i miss you it s possible to come to cherating 50% discount i will be very happy to see you againt thing abaout i thing a lot of you kiss s

Did I mention we had a slight problem with understanding each other? At least when he writes you dont have to try and figure the accent out as well. Sadly I dont think I will be visiting anytime soon, if ever.

One level up!

My little guy has been attending swimming lessons since he was 18 months old, from the very first day his teacher commented that he was a little fish. He loves the water and never had any fears of going head down to the bottom of the pool - the very reason why he started the lessons in the first place. Yesterday at the start of the classes I was told he needs to move up to beginner level two... I am so excited for him.

The flies did it!

A self portret, E showing his creative skills with my cellphone camera

Look what I can do mom!

And the rather sad results of an over zealous little boy!

I love this age - my kid's personality has all of a sudden just blossomed and he talks incessantly. What surprises me is the ever changing thoughts, emotions and ideas that splurts out of his little mouth constantly. And he has opinions on everything.

Funny little things he has said recently:
It is not me, the flies did it!
He asked to phone his daddy and when phil did not answer the phone and I told him his daddy did not hear the phone ring he wanted me to 'Phone again but do it much harder this time!'
After he broke a glass at my parents house and I told him he better get his wallet to give gran some money to pay for it, he could 'only give her two monies otherwise I will not have enough to go to the tuckshop' I thought that was so funny, especially since there were about 20 coins in there!
As I dropped him of at school this morning he saw a mom just kissing her kids good bye but they walked themselves in to the classroom and he wanted me to do the same, but he had a bag for school and a big toolbox full of his skylectric cars to carry. So he grapped all of it, started walking only to promptly fall over....started to giggle and look at me shyly, but refused to ask help. It was so funny.

Diving right in

Standing in the icy cold crystal clear waters of Breyton Beach Knysna, my new years resolution came to me....don't be too scared of extreme sensations - just dive right into life.

It was refreshing

It still is

With a lot of the firsts behind me, I am feeling renewed and ready for 2008
December was one long journey into and through myself
a lot of time was spend in introspection
and more time even on doing nothing
It was needed and wonderful

Our first Christmas tree

Our first family day christmas celebrations with daddy's family
And our first family christmas day spend with mommy's family
The young man did not mind at all as he was spoiled with so many presents he thinks it should be christmas again tomorrow.

So things that are on the cards for me for this year is:
Getting out of my comfy corner and to get going with my business
Getting my foot in the door with the property market
Not to be scared to love and be loved, even if it does not last for forever
To always remember that my kid is the child of two loving parents and that we must make decisions that will keep him secure in that

Just for Fun: A personality Test

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

Crawling my way out

So yesterday was another first
Wedding (non)anniversary
I was so depressed
I missed him so much
Why do I still want us to be together?

I know it will never work
I will be isolated
emotionally dead
but still

Today I rode two horses
tonight I am going for a dinner date
tomorrow I will celebrate summer

I can only go forward

I think I am stuck at Chapter 2

There's a hole in my sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost...I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street

A little rest and romance

Malaysia was beautiful, restful and......sad. I missed my family, all of it, so much. I kept on thinking how much fun the three of us would have had if we were all together. But it was not to be.

Instead I slept a lot, started each day with Yoga on the beach, then fruits for breakfast. Lying around at the pool, walking on the beach, drinking cocktails on the loungers, going for Balinese massages and yes......hooking up with a beautiful man from Tunisia. We had a bit of a language barrier as his is French but I did find out that sometimes words are over rated.

All in all a very fine holiday indeed

A conversation in my car

So on our way to school this morning E piped up from the back

Mom, look, I am strong and I am going to break these strap me ins (the shoulder straps for his carseat) open like dis - and the hands enthusiastically illustrates the much desired feat. I revert with, so are you superman then?

NOOOOOOO MOMMA, he screams at me, I am NOT superman, I am ELRICH...the superheros are not here, it is me. The superheros are only in the stories on the tv, they are not people.

To which I listen in absolute amazement......no fantasy, just the hard reality of superman that are not here and not real. I am sure it must be a conversation they often have in school.

Which reminds me of a little tale his one teacher told me the other day. She has purposefully been mispronouncing his name in school, apparently he gets really upset with anybody that mispronounces his name (tell me about it) and he became the butt of jokes as the marjority of the children are English first language and they cannot pronounce the Elrich properly. He also refused to join the children if they called all the boys to do stuff as he is not a boy, he is Elrich and will only respond to his name. Really stubborn little thing, apparently it is starting to get a little bit better now and he does not react to all the teasing as much either.

Circles circling in and out

I booked today to go to Sodwana for the weekend to dive

It left me so very teary and sad.
Aniversaries I believe will be difficult

Two years since he left
One year since we went diving together for the first time again
Now

I am going on a dinner date tonight
maybe it will cheer me up somewhat