Through the eyes of E

I am very camera shy and there are hardly any photos of me to be found. The night before the big move E took my camera and shot some fun pics of mom. These are his unedited work - heavens, I wish I had this kid's eye for a picture.

Chaos reigns and minds are lost

The more I think I hate routine and too much order, the more I learn that without it I am lost. The chaos of the move and renovations have gone to my head and I find myself at a loss for the most basic things. Like the keys, and does this house have keys......new ones, old ones, changed locks and not to forget about all the keypads and pin numbers. Good heavens, did you say you gave me a little booklet with the details on how to change the code?? are you insane? does this mean that I am responsible for finding it, oh yes, I do remember, I saw the electrical compliance certificate just the other day. It was lying here somewhere....what do you mean you cannot find the invoice for the transfer duties to be paid yesterday, it was right here, I think......aaahh there is that dentist's number I have been looking for, oh yes, you are waiting for the booklet on how to change the keypad numbers.......

Do you like how we have changed the single garage into a family room?

we broke that door out that you can see just right of the chair and made it into a big square opening through to the kitchen and the lounge area.

The dust left by grinding the bricks were unbelieveable

The best part was going with John to the tile place to select our tiles for this room. I know it was just a couple of tiles but just doing that together for our house made me feel incredibly happy and belonging to a family again. It truly is the little things in life that brings the most gratification and happiness.

Still a bit of work to be done to finish it all off but I do believe it will be a really nice room once it is all done and it has added a lot of living space to our home. The tiles we selected are called Provence Pewter - a mixture of pewter greys, greens and sandstone type colours.

I think we should paint that solid long wall a darkish pewter colour and then have a mosaic of interesting photos/frames in a diamond type shape in the centre. Just to break that wall up a bit.....

And in stead of the four car garage and third bedroom, we settled on carport next to lounge. No sense in adding a garage bigger than the cottage itself. More so since we are thinking about building a family home at a later stage

I am so glad this mess is nearly done so I can enjoy my little country mouse house

Head Space

Owning a little property like the one just bought has been a dream of mine for a very long time. But before that, it was a dream shared. Shared in a previous unity, a forgotten future. Now that I have infected John with my dream and we are on the cusp of changing lifestyles and building a future, I find myself sad and slightly forlorn.

I dont want the past back, no
I want the future as it is dreamt
I just feel
bereaved

About Fatherhood

 

So in the past, John and Nikyle’s relationship was a Sunday afternoon computer game and pizza. But as we all know, there is so much more to family and being a dad. After a bit of prompting, I have gotten John to ask Clarissa for the dates and venues of his soccer games. And that is were we have spend the last two early Sunday mornings. Next to the field, shouting for him and supporting his team.

Walking the land

So the big nasty conference was a roaring success.

The nails looked smashing..doll, the outfits were just devine, and we even managed to do a LOT of good business.

Or at least open those doors to the you know who in the mining industry. We do understand though that the hard work starts now, as we need to sign those deals and get the business into MTS to really make sure the conference worked for us as it was supposed to. We had our very first meeting this week past and hopefully we will be able to follow up on the rest early this coming week.

And then, believe it or not, but the property eventually came through. Yes, we have a move in date of this coming Saturday, the 5th of June. I hope, if we can get the fence repaired and the gate motor that got stolen re-installed so we can at least be safe in our new abode. I took myself and the doggies for a walk there today and this is what we saw

Our dam at the bottom of the property, where I saw some Egyptian Geese the other day

The Stables, OMG - did I mention that there were stables?

And yes, I know, but have some imagination - this is a menage!

The paddocks and lunge ring at the bottom of the property, with Nikita running across this vast expanse of land, her tongue dragging on the grass

My new kitchen and lounge.... I know, lots of work here

Family celebrations

My brother turned forty the other day and I deemed it a suitable occassion to traverse near to 500km for the day to go and wish him well. Especially since I have never gone to visit him at his new abode in the North West Province, where this combat trained ex special forces guy is searching for solitude and restitution of his soul between cattle and endless rolling grasslands.

It was a wonderful day and we were hardly there when he offered to go and show me his domain on horseback.
So I spend the next three hours riding a boerperd bareback in a slow canter. It was one of those experiences that are very hard to describe - the close contact of contracting muscles, the mesmerizing rhythm, the give and take of our bodies as we effortlessly consumed the miles.

 Back home the kids had lots of fun and Elrich could not wait to have a turn on the horse.

It was only ok to share the ride with mom for the first five seconds before he 'really needed to ride this horse by myself please mom!'

Ouma and Oupa could not believe that they could actually have all their children and grand children under one roof for a day. I must admit that even though me and my bro did not always sit around the same fire, the day was well worth it and it was wonderfull to share this special day together as a family.

The cousins could not agree more!

Pulling a loose thread

I often feel very disconnected from what I am doing, the people in my life and in actual fact – my very life itself. Like I am an outsider looking in – a very critical outsider, and when I am there in that space, I do not understand human relationships, or emotions, or the reasons for living at all. I question the very reality of my existence and the sanity of this planet – the wheel of life and death, our capitalist economy, the killing of animals to consume, the all consuming machine of consumerism and the madness of modern life. It becomes a dark vortex sucking me in and leaving me breathless at the end. I have no clue what it is related to and how to not go down it, but I do know that when I am there, the days flow into each other and I don’t seem to get anything accomplished.

On tenderness

Can I say that our holiday gave us a wonderful break from the reality of every day life? Spending time in this paradise can be nothing short of idilic, don't you think?

Our bathroom

and at candlelight

Where you can laze in the privacy of your own private patio, listening to birdsong and river sounds

And get so close to the wildlife that you can almost reach out and touch the animals.

We had to search long and hard to find this male lion as the reserve is 26,000 hectares in size and they are free to roam at will.

But after a six hour drive we arrived exhausted, irritable and sick (John) so after a rather unpleasant and emotional afternoon and early night, we returned home the next day. Fortunately for our relationship, we were stuck in the same car for the journey home. Forcing us to haltingly talk about the real issues at hand.

Like my seemingly lack of tenderness and extreme difficulty I have to feel and show love towards John. My immediate emotional withdrawal at the first sign of either conflict or emotional need. Two extreme emotions that are part of the same coin, I believe. John's passive aggressive response to me whenever I say or do something he does not like. The need we both have to be emotionally close to each other, but the difficulty we experience in maintaining that closeness in any stressfull situation.

But we want to be together....he is such an emotionally intuitive man that are prepared to talk about his emotions, comment on mine and put himself on the line for a future where our relationship needs are met. So we have decided to go for some councelling, together as a couple, but also as individuals.

Sigh

I sorted my desk today and my to do list is 3 A4 pages loooooong

and I am going on leave for three days next week, to this lovely place. John is taking us there for some much needed R&R'ing

but before then, it is a weekend of family obligations, directors meetings and a monster TO DO LIST!

Weathering the emotions

Oh I HATE the cold! it has been overcast, miserable rainy weather for days on end and I swear it nearly killed me. The bright sunshine and birdsong that greeted me this morning really 'boosted' me into the day. I think my emotional barometer is totally in tune with the weather. And the winter is only just starting, fortunately for me we have crisp, blue sky winter days that pinch your ears.

Work has been extremely busy and pressurised, so what is new? with lots of intimidating decisions to be made. Like inviting shareholders and directors into our young company to ensure that we are transformed as required by government legislation and a prerequisite for doing business with a the majority of our clients. We have met with two very good prospects and now the devil is in the detail. I am learning all about 'prevailing conditions', 'sweat equity', share price and company valuation calculations. Making the mining industry your playing field sometimes feels more like a minefield.

But it is exciting, our team have gone from three owners/slaves/workers to 7.5 people in total (we share one girl with another company) in a question of weeks. Our logos and new corporate image is just about finalised and we are getting the business cards printed. All our proposals are going out on our new letterheads and the feedback we are getting has been really positive. And we are gearing up for the Mining Summit in the Western Cape early May. This is such an exciting scary event but I think we will be well prepared for it by the time we get there. I certainly hope that we will be able to pull it of successfully as we will be rubbing shoulders with the directors of top mining houses.

Sometimes I still feel like a little girl all dressed up in a grown-ups clothes, play acting through the rituals of the day.

Lets keep perspective

The internet is ablaze with accusations, hate speech and fear. But I came across a little article that I think should be pushed to the forefront to remind us all that we are living in a democratic country with a constitution written to protect all the citizens of our land.

Let us not forget how far we have come citizens of this rainbow nation.

Carefree Childhood

The most important responsibility of a parent, I believe. And the one that is the most difficult to deliver as we just cannot control everything that happens in our or our childrens' lives.

An Adventure - Discovering the Cradle of Mankind

We were on mid term break the other day, so I took my kid of to the Cradle of Mankind to learn all about where the earth and humanity started. It was so interesting and he lapped all the information up. I was really scared that he would get bored half way through as it is rather intense and packed with scientific information. But he loved it, we went from exhibit to exhibit and he never tired at all.

Running past the creation of earth, on our way to the underground boat ride through the ages
As we slid down the ramp into the belly of mother earth, I noticed that my little man was a little bit worried about this experience
We travelled through fierce winds, dripping ice water and erupting vulcanoes, my kid was in awe
Phoning a dodo and a kwagga - both animals have been extinct. E had to listen to each one's story
Just look at the concentration ;-)
The need to protect our planet and our fellow human beings from exploitation was evident everywhere
The exhibition hall reminded me of the Pompedou Art Gallery in Paris, with larger than life pop-art made into surreal science exhibits.

Faces in the mirror
Maropeng - Science in a burial mound
The views of the Cradle of Mankind - the area is littered with sites of paleonthological interest
Down Sterkfontein Caves - I forgot my camera on manual, the result, lots of blurry pictures in the dark. This one is the best of them all
Where they found Ms Ples, who was actually a teenage boy......