Phases

This marriage rehabilitation thing is taking me through a lot of different phases. One of the things I learnt over December was to embrace all emotions. We so often only want to feel one or two emotions at best - happiness and a form of comfort. Well I did at least. I have learnt to feel and relish in anger, deep dark sorrow, dissapointment and hopelessness. I have also met 'who gives a fuck', ' I dont need that you' to 'please can this just all be over with now as I want my normal life back'.

Today in councelling I had a really good breakdown, not crying no, white hot teeth clenching rage - I could feel my eyes burning as I spat the words out. I voiced my anger, my disilusionment - I clearly stated that if phil is not prepared to come into contact with himself and actually face up to his own issues and past - then I am out of it. I will not carry on with this if I have to have the same relationship with him that what we had before. He is so emotionally cut - off from himself that he cannot even tell us what makes him feel loved, or not. Even though one of the things he screamed at me two months ago was that he just wanted a lover - so I ask 'what is a lover to you? what made you start a relationship with a woman that is permanently on happy pills? Who cannot even sleep at night for the stuff that haunts her dreams?

Some days all I can do is remind myself of the fact that the relationship is important to me, that emotions change over time and that I truly believe we can have a really amazing, love filled future together.