Writers block

I always find it difficult to write if I am in the middle of too much emotional turmoil. I cannot talk to people and I cannot write about it. It is as if I am too scared to look inside of me. So let us just look at the ordinary things for the moment.

E and me went to the coast this past week. It was a good drive down, the weather was absolutely beautiful and my little boy LOVED the water. Good for him, as I am a total fish and as soon as he is old enough we are going diving!! The short flight back was very exciting even if we had bad weather for the whole duration of the flight.

Tomorrow there will be another CONVERSATION. I do not understand why it has to be tomorrow and not today. He wants to tell me want he has decided about the future. Quite honestly, I don't know what I want to hear. On the one side I find it difficult to believe that my life with him is over, that we are getting a divorce, that there are no hope for us creating a future together. On the other side, I do not even feel like I know this man that wears his face. I do not imagine that I could ever trust him again, far less put my heart back in his hands. I have played the two scenarios over and over in my head and I do not know what to think anymore. I do know that if I had to be an outsider to this situation and it was a dear friend of mine that asked for advice, I would tell them to walk away and never look back. So why then have I a kernel of hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me? Why am I not so angry at him for what he has done that I never want to see his face again? Have I no steel in my bones or do I just not give up easily????