The vastness of Africa

One of my clients has an operation in the Richtersveld, a semi desert area in the south western side of SA, we flew in on a chartered plane, to land in a fenced area. The only difference between the landing strip and the surrounding desert, were the fence

That bit of dust in the centre of the photo is the plane landing which came to fetch us.
The local school - yes that little building in the middle of the photo. I took the photo like this, really to show that there is nothing remotely close to the little school, apart from sand and more sand
A little informal settlement on the outskirts of the local town. Even in an area with a population of just over a thousand people, 30% of the houses were informal.

Unfortunately I did not take my camera with as i just did not have space, so all these photos were taken with my cellphone. I really have to get a good quality small digital camera as I am still in the age of film.

I am a big boy mom!

Yesterday I had to kiss him goodbye in the car
He got out, put his schoolbag on his back
and walked himself to his classroom
I stood in the carpark with tears in my eyes
He did look back just before he was out of sight
saw me, and gave a little wave
then turned around and entered the empty doorway

Last night we went to our favorite family restaurant
on the way there he asked if he could phone Oupat
I gave him the phone with the number ready and he dialed
to invite his Oupat to please join him, mom and John for dinner because he misses him

Two extremes in one week

On Tuesday the teachers had to peel E of my body, crying and begging to come home with me.

This morning he put his schoolbag on his back, and promptly told me in the car park that I am not allowed to walk him into school. As I could never do that I told him I want to talk to the school secretary (is it bad to lie to your kid?) and walked him to his classroom. He got really irritated, and told me to 'go now mom, go talk to Sandy' I begged for a good bye kiss but only got a nonchalant little wave as he sauntered to his friends.

E as a four year old

Who is this little man that lives in the house with me? That is so serious, but such a clown. That loves pranks and bedecks me with jewelry, brings me flowers and kisses and tells me at least five times a day how much he loves me.

He is a popular little kid in school and definately a cool dude with his tatoo (stick on) and his cut out t-shirts, airoplanes and wild jungle gym tricks. His best mate's name is Keabetsi, who wears a baseball cap backwards, bright green dark glasses and just turned five. Between the two of them they rule the roost in school. His teachers adores him, often comments that he is smarter than he lets on and am amazed at how abstract his thinking patterns are.

The most difficult thing in life for him is to say please. He understands that it is a necessary evil whenever he wants something but would prefer to demand to get what he wants. It never works, not with me. A project manager of note that is often instructing everyone on how they must do everything. And of his 'other' grand mother he says 'She must learn my ways' I can see that they might clash - I have never warmed up to her either. It is funny to me that that set of grandparents think he is cheeky and my parents think he is just intelligent. Needless to say, he gets on a lot easier with my parents.

He has a very clear understanding of concepts such as death, money, going away and working to earn a living. I have never really discussed death with him ever, but he often talks about it. He does not leave the house without his wallet and constantly raids mine to transfer the loot to his. He is starting to understand that different coins and denominations has different values and will ask what the price of something is so he can see if he has enough money to buy it.

His favourite toys are airoplanes, balls and anything to do with water. Matchbox cars are very difficult to pass by in a toy isle and if only I could find a proper spaceship, that would be the ultimate toy. He got some cash for his birthday and I took him to the toyshop on Monday - I was surprised at how easy he understood when a toy was too expensive to buy and how he knew exactly what he wanted and settled on something so easily for the exact amount that he had in hand.

I am still amazed at how much he has grown in such a short time

Getting all kitted out!

So last year one of the things I decided we (E and me) will be doing a lot of this year is spending time outdoor. Buying the 4x4 was the first step in that direction, then followed my membership in a well organised family orientated 4x4 club, a couple of 4x4 days learning how to drive my vehicle and this coming weekend it is a camping trip! I do admit that it is a rather tame trip in comparison to what these guys get up to. There are shops, electricity, a swimming pool and hiking trails. No self support six day mission through treacherous African terrain with only radio contact. That is for later, when we are a bit more experienced and confident. But for now, I had to start somewhere, and that was with buying a tent, and a couple of basic supplies. But I pitched the tent in our front garden today, with only the help of E and a lot of patience - this, I think will be a lot of fun!

Reflecting Truth

When I looked in the mirror
what I saw
was an old tired beggar woman
haggard from exposure to the elements

The state of my emotional self
the residue of years of begging for
love
attention
acceptance
Not feeling quite good enough
ever

Interesting, we had a good discussion around that
I think I have made just a little progress today

Memories of our first year

Searching through old files and trying to remember what last year was like I found these really fun pictures. Taken throughout last year, by either me or E, capturing us in our crazier moments, telling a story of a family, of love, adoring grand parents and new experiences!

Its my Party and I'll Slide if I want to

So my little guy is just about to turn four years old. I decided to host his party this weekend past, because my parents are here, it is just before his actual birthdate and we are going camping next weekend.

After some soul searching and deliberation, I decided to host it at my place, to invite his dad, his dad's family, joint friends of ours and my family. All the people that would have been there if we did not get a divorce last year. Now whether that is me holding onto the past or me wanting my kid to have all the significant others at his birthday, I am not sure. But the end result was a wonderful party, everyone from the youngest child to the oldest adult had a lot of fun and the guests were here from 11 in the morning until nearly eight that night.

It left me in a shocking emotional state - I am so stuck in the middle between not being able to move on and not going back, it is not even funny. But that is a whole new post. I am starting counceling again tomorrow.

The waterslide was such a hit, far more succesful than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams and everyone had a load of bubbly fun on the thing! Look at my little olive skinned boy, his colouring sure takes after daddy's family
I ordered E a Spiderman Ice Cream Cake, but the lady made a mistake with the delivery date, so plan B was an absolutely delicious Tiramisu Cake! Oh well at least he could blow out candles and I could give the people some cake to eat!


All the little ones eagerly awaiting the cake to be cut!

With love from Elrich

We made this valentines card to give to Oupats and Ouma, I drew the heart which he then decorated. He told me what he wanted to write on the card and I showed him the letters which he then copied onto the card. It was such so much fun, even if I am still finding red glitter everywhere!

Message from a Friend

Don't allow sentimentality to hold your emotions hostage

O my, how profound is that? It so hit the nail on the head. And now I understand the weird emotional space I have been in lately. The more fun I am having with John, the more I am missing Phil. Weird, yes? I think it is not too different from the stage I went through just after Nè Dean died, where I could not do any of the things we used to do together. Holding onto the past, a past that was forever gone.

When I actioned the divorce I did it because I believed that my marriage was dead, beyond resurrection. I still believe that, so it is the same as if he died. There is no going back, it simply is not an option. All I have to do, is to let go of the past, and embrace my future.

Making Racing Cars

This is much more fun than working at 6 am, especially if you were working non stop till ten the previous night ;-)

you need:
Boudoir biscuits, one for each car
Four jellie tots for the wheels
and a little sticky icing sugar

Then just stick wheels to cars and of you race - fastests fingers first!

But seriously this is a lovely way to entertain the little ones for a half hour or so

In a Minute

Did I ever complain that I did not have enough work to do? It has been crazy around here the last two weeks and it is E's birthday party on Saturday. Fun, I am having it at my place, I have not even bought him a present as I am working till eleven every night. And yes, I will spend all of Friday at a client in Cape Town. For the uniniated, that is a two hour flight away from home.

Lets rather make racing cars

A night on the town

So on Friday night John fetched me in his canary yellow little sports car
we put the roof down and whisked down the highway with hair flying, music blaring and hands in the air
to go to dinner first
and then to The Doors
Yes, an alternative hard rock club
Where I got caught up in the music (and I think the thick smell of ganja)
and head banged the night away
It was FUN even if my neck is still killing me

Self Discovery (2)

Mom you know what?
What my angel?
Gells haves shines
What?
Gells haves shines and I have a willy
Yes angel, girls have vaginas and you have a penis
Yes, and if I take my penis off i will also have a gina

Where he get the pronouniation for girls from, no one knows ;-)

Introducing John

Uhuh So I swore after Phil I will lock myself in a closet and never get involved with another male again. For at least then the next 10 years.....I am still very skittish, but I need and want a friend. A real friend, somebody that I can have fun with, trust, can be my silly self and not be frowned upon. I always imagined a future fictional partner to be a professional somebody or another, maybe in the mining industry or economy. A mentor and buddy. Instead I found John, or rather John found me. He is very Greek, scraped through school, been through some of the toughest courses in the university of life and survived. But he is real, he understands how life works and best of all he knows exactly what he wants and where he is going.

So:
My friend - definately, we know how to have fun when we are together
My lover - you better believe it, we steam the windows up
My mentor - it is unbelieveable how much we are learning from one another
My partner - not sure, too scared to even think about the future
A gift - most certainly, I think sometimes the universe smiles on her children and gift us with the most unexpected

Knysna through my eyes

I have not taken photos for a very long time, even in Malaysia I could only take a handfull of pictures. I used to view the world through picture frames, seeing potential beauty and eternal moments every where. When I went to Knysna with E, all of a sudden that gift and desire was back. Here are some of the moments I managed to capture

Self discovery

Yelling from the bath tup
'look mom my lips are PINK'
'yes honey your lips are beautiful and pink' as I come through the door
to find him staring at himself in the reflection of the tap
'oh they are soooo cute' was his response

I could only grin

Only to be told that mommies and daddies kiss on the lips, followed by serious nodding and stretching of the eyes
Oh I said

Our Holiday in Pictures

In Malaysia, I was in love with the beaches, the sea and the scenery. And before anyone asks - no I did not take a photo, there will be no evidence of my folly ;-)
Please can I join the circus school? I LOVED the trapeze, I honestly spend most my free time on flying through the air. Or floating when I was not flying hehehehehe
Our christmas tree - I could not get it to stand up straight. Oh well, at least we had a tree and it had lights and pressies underneath
A crater caused by an asteroid - this is typical scenery in the North West Province were my folks stay
E on the airoplane, we are on our way to Knysna!!
Our budding photographer on Gillie's lap - she is my soul-sister and living in Calgary - too far away is what I say
E playing cards with the big boys on one of the little boats
All of us for a sail on Charlotte - it was so much fun!!

The world is just such a strange place right now

E did not want to go to school today, he would have gone anywhere else but not to school, my home, his daddy's house, oupa - but please mom, I dont want to go to school! he was crying and clinging to me as they pried him from my arms

My close friend got hijacked yesterday. They held a gun to her head as they made her lie face down on the brick drive way. Then they manhandled her as they stole all her jewelry from her body. Fortunately she did not get really hurt

There is a man that wants to give me everything I have ever wanted with Phil. I am not even close to ready to let him into my life. It is really weird though as I have such a strong desire at the moment to be part of a happy family, have more children, have somebody come home to me and love me. Feel emotionally secure in the knowledge that we are a little unit that will face life together.

Embrace Me

'Hold my hand I'll help you through it'

the offer is genuine

it is coming from someone that actually really cares

cares so much he is scaring himself

but still he will stand there for me

when I can offer him little in return

when all I want to do is run away

far far away

It is conversations like this that really gets to me

Mom, you do NOT have your own house
Yes baby we do, remember we have our new house that is for mommy and Elrich
No you dont, you must go and live with daddy
but baby, we cant do that, we have our own house and we must stay there
No mom, you must go and live with daddy for a looooong time
Why must I live with daddy?
Because you love him
But baby I love you very much
Yes, you love me, but you also love daddy, that is why. You love both me and daddy and you must go and stay with him for a long time

I am in a really bad place right now

I so wish I could turn the clock back
I wish Phil would have made better decisions
So we could still be a family

Work has really slowed down for me
to a trickle
I know it is the beginning of the year
and it will start up again soon
but i really dont have the energy to do anything about it
I have names and numbers to call for business
but I am too scared that they will say
NO

I think if they do, I will just curl up and cry

On Mortality

Mom I don't want to die
cause wise if I am dead
you will miss me too much

It is all a process

I still miss him
My body sometimes aches for his touch
I have vivid dreams of us doing fun things together

but at least
I dont wait for him to come home at night

Of all the things we cannot eat

We are driving to John's house (another story) to go for a swim and catch up on the sun, shining for the first time in ten days. E and me are having a little everyday conversation when he starts reminding me of all the things we should not be doing

Mom we must not smack
No E we dont smack people
And we must not be rude
no we must not be rude to people
.....and mom we must not eat houses
? no e, we dont eat houses
And we must not eat grass
No we dont eat grass
And we must not eat childrens
??? no E we dont eat childrens
yes, cause wise their mouths are dirty and so we cant eat them
and the list of things we are not allowed to eat carries on for a loong time, it includes, ants, airoplanes, flies, cars and walls. To end with mom, we only must eat food - very satisfied smile on his face

Then the back seat driver pipes up - careful mom don't crash your car! No e mom will be carefull because we dont want to crash our car. Yes, if we crash our car, it will be broken and we will have to walk and that will be trouble. Yes, my son, big trouble and a new car is expensive and we dont have money to buy another one.
But mom, I have money, I will buy you a new car - it will blue and a faster space-ship car! And of we went on a discussion of spaceships and faster cars, which ended in him being reminded of the the 'faster boat' he rode in over the holidays....

Non-Sense-Ability

Of all the things in life that don’t make sense
To me it is emotions that are the most confusing
How can you want and not
Equally?

A gift
Or a burden
Pleasure
Or pain
Freedom
Or captivity

They are all the same

What I received in my inbox last night

hi darling
i am in holiday in tunisia at home
i want to see you again i miss you it s possible to come to cherating 50% discount i will be very happy to see you againt thing abaout i thing a lot of you kiss s

Did I mention we had a slight problem with understanding each other? At least when he writes you dont have to try and figure the accent out as well. Sadly I dont think I will be visiting anytime soon, if ever.

One level up!

My little guy has been attending swimming lessons since he was 18 months old, from the very first day his teacher commented that he was a little fish. He loves the water and never had any fears of going head down to the bottom of the pool - the very reason why he started the lessons in the first place. Yesterday at the start of the classes I was told he needs to move up to beginner level two... I am so excited for him.

The flies did it!

A self portret, E showing his creative skills with my cellphone camera

Look what I can do mom!

And the rather sad results of an over zealous little boy!

I love this age - my kid's personality has all of a sudden just blossomed and he talks incessantly. What surprises me is the ever changing thoughts, emotions and ideas that splurts out of his little mouth constantly. And he has opinions on everything.

Funny little things he has said recently:
It is not me, the flies did it!
He asked to phone his daddy and when phil did not answer the phone and I told him his daddy did not hear the phone ring he wanted me to 'Phone again but do it much harder this time!'
After he broke a glass at my parents house and I told him he better get his wallet to give gran some money to pay for it, he could 'only give her two monies otherwise I will not have enough to go to the tuckshop' I thought that was so funny, especially since there were about 20 coins in there!
As I dropped him of at school this morning he saw a mom just kissing her kids good bye but they walked themselves in to the classroom and he wanted me to do the same, but he had a bag for school and a big toolbox full of his skylectric cars to carry. So he grapped all of it, started walking only to promptly fall over....started to giggle and look at me shyly, but refused to ask help. It was so funny.

Diving right in

Standing in the icy cold crystal clear waters of Breyton Beach Knysna, my new years resolution came to me....don't be too scared of extreme sensations - just dive right into life.

It was refreshing

It still is

With a lot of the firsts behind me, I am feeling renewed and ready for 2008
December was one long journey into and through myself
a lot of time was spend in introspection
and more time even on doing nothing
It was needed and wonderful

Our first Christmas tree

Our first family day christmas celebrations with daddy's family
And our first family christmas day spend with mommy's family
The young man did not mind at all as he was spoiled with so many presents he thinks it should be christmas again tomorrow.

So things that are on the cards for me for this year is:
Getting out of my comfy corner and to get going with my business
Getting my foot in the door with the property market
Not to be scared to love and be loved, even if it does not last for forever
To always remember that my kid is the child of two loving parents and that we must make decisions that will keep him secure in that

Just for Fun: A personality Test

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

Crawling my way out

So yesterday was another first
Wedding (non)anniversary
I was so depressed
I missed him so much
Why do I still want us to be together?

I know it will never work
I will be isolated
emotionally dead
but still

Today I rode two horses
tonight I am going for a dinner date
tomorrow I will celebrate summer

I can only go forward

I think I am stuck at Chapter 2

There's a hole in my sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost...I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street

A little rest and romance

Malaysia was beautiful, restful and......sad. I missed my family, all of it, so much. I kept on thinking how much fun the three of us would have had if we were all together. But it was not to be.

Instead I slept a lot, started each day with Yoga on the beach, then fruits for breakfast. Lying around at the pool, walking on the beach, drinking cocktails on the loungers, going for Balinese massages and yes......hooking up with a beautiful man from Tunisia. We had a bit of a language barrier as his is French but I did find out that sometimes words are over rated.

All in all a very fine holiday indeed