Over the last couple of nights, 3 o'clock in the morning would signal my wake up call. Angst and tension all coiled in my stomach. I need to get in touch with my own emotions as I am not hundred percent sure where this is coming from. My work load is a lot, but then my procastination tactics have also increased over the last couple of days.
Too scared to look inside, to rushed to sit down, and when will I make that phonecall? Today I think, not that I am convinced that it is the real cause of distress.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Fighting over toys
I have to confess, I buy toys for Elrich so I can play with them. Today I reached the height of immaturity. I fought with E over the possession of a toy.... I know. He is suppose to be the two year old and I am suppose to be the adult.
What the hell, I feel really shit. But oh boy that marble run is just the most amazing toy I have EVER seen. I entertained myself (I'll admit it) all afternoon with the darn thing and guess what? I even took it out of E's room just before bedtime so I can play some more when he is asleep.
Did I have a deprived childhood or what?!!
What the hell, I feel really shit. But oh boy that marble run is just the most amazing toy I have EVER seen. I entertained myself (I'll admit it) all afternoon with the darn thing and guess what? I even took it out of E's room just before bedtime so I can play some more when he is asleep.
Did I have a deprived childhood or what?!!
Monday, February 20, 2006
Rollercoaster week
I want to get offff!!! This carriage called my life is just moving way out of control.
Over the last week our friend has succeeded in killing himself, I went on a two day away research trip, dh and me had a honeymoon day/night and Elrich turned two!!. I am exhausted just thinking about it.
Ten days ago Tommie removed himself from this life as we know it, he was only found four days later. Not a pleasant experience for the cleaning up crew as it is mid summer here with temps in the 30C and a lot of humidity. We are still awaiting the autopsy to tell cause of death. I am not sure at all how I feel about this. I do believe it is every human's right to determine his own life and therefore death, but geeezz this guy was still so young and he had so much going for him. We will miss him dearly as he was a great friend and the best story teller I have ever met. There are a couple of Tommie songs on the radio that will always remind me of him, and the more I hear them the less I understand his ultimate decision.
The research trip was an eye opener and reminder as to how much I have to be thankfull for. We went to a mine and informal settlement in the Limpopo region. The informal settlement has no municipal services at all. About 10 000 people live in extreme poverty in a boiling bowl of dust. No real roads, mud and tin houses, goats chickens and children running in tracks. Beautifull smiling faces and hand made diamant wire mesh. I took some photos and cannot wait to develop said film. I learn so much as I meet these incredible places of hope.
My parents came up for a business meeting and looked after young e all of Saturday, until Sunday morning. Phil an me just took to the road early Saturday morning and eventually ended at a little game lodge an hours drive from home. We slept in a luxury tent, on stilts at a watering hole. Ate dinner like celebs and woke to the crunching munching sounds of Impala and Kudu. This will have to be repeated on a regular basis - what a spoil and much needed rest.
E's birthday and the memorial service coincided - needless to say, we held the party and it was wonderfull. My little boy was a typical two year old and would not share with a soul. Luckily there were way more adults than kids, so fun was had by all.
So now - off to university for the second class of the year and hopefully the students will be as well prepared and enthusiastic as the first time round!!
Over the last week our friend has succeeded in killing himself, I went on a two day away research trip, dh and me had a honeymoon day/night and Elrich turned two!!. I am exhausted just thinking about it.
Ten days ago Tommie removed himself from this life as we know it, he was only found four days later. Not a pleasant experience for the cleaning up crew as it is mid summer here with temps in the 30C and a lot of humidity. We are still awaiting the autopsy to tell cause of death. I am not sure at all how I feel about this. I do believe it is every human's right to determine his own life and therefore death, but geeezz this guy was still so young and he had so much going for him. We will miss him dearly as he was a great friend and the best story teller I have ever met. There are a couple of Tommie songs on the radio that will always remind me of him, and the more I hear them the less I understand his ultimate decision.
The research trip was an eye opener and reminder as to how much I have to be thankfull for. We went to a mine and informal settlement in the Limpopo region. The informal settlement has no municipal services at all. About 10 000 people live in extreme poverty in a boiling bowl of dust. No real roads, mud and tin houses, goats chickens and children running in tracks. Beautifull smiling faces and hand made diamant wire mesh. I took some photos and cannot wait to develop said film. I learn so much as I meet these incredible places of hope.
My parents came up for a business meeting and looked after young e all of Saturday, until Sunday morning. Phil an me just took to the road early Saturday morning and eventually ended at a little game lodge an hours drive from home. We slept in a luxury tent, on stilts at a watering hole. Ate dinner like celebs and woke to the crunching munching sounds of Impala and Kudu. This will have to be repeated on a regular basis - what a spoil and much needed rest.
E's birthday and the memorial service coincided - needless to say, we held the party and it was wonderfull. My little boy was a typical two year old and would not share with a soul. Luckily there were way more adults than kids, so fun was had by all.
So now - off to university for the second class of the year and hopefully the students will be as well prepared and enthusiastic as the first time round!!
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The first lecture
Last night was amazing!! I must admit I did not have high expectations of these youngsters at all, so what a suprise when the session turned into a serious debate and I had to work hard at keeping them within timeframes. This is way better than trying to pull hens teeth out of a bunch of unprepared uninterested yawning kids.
We had excellent discussions around what is work/ or not, employment, labour and the right to it, and how that all relates to society and what we have come to accept as normal. Marx, Durkheim and Weber were passionately compared and argued for. Since the class was international (some students from North Africa) diverse accents, opinions and experiences peppered the discussions.
We had excellent discussions around what is work/ or not, employment, labour and the right to it, and how that all relates to society and what we have come to accept as normal. Marx, Durkheim and Weber were passionately compared and argued for. Since the class was international (some students from North Africa) diverse accents, opinions and experiences peppered the discussions.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
'Fish'
is Elrich's newest word, that and 'stoppit!!!'
Yesterday we went on a spur of the moment fishing/picnic trip. Something we have not done in a lonnng time. We even had to scout the new place out as I suggested the dam on recommendation of a collegue. I was, however, not exactly sure where this place was. We found it easily enough and not far from home at all.
The only movement in the water was the rowing club and tiny little carps. Phil made it a matter of honour to catch them on his homemade fly immitation, just to prove his prowess as a hunter and provider. Not that we kept them, they were duly shown to E - to his delight - and then promptly released back into the water.
Yesterday we went on a spur of the moment fishing/picnic trip. Something we have not done in a lonnng time. We even had to scout the new place out as I suggested the dam on recommendation of a collegue. I was, however, not exactly sure where this place was. We found it easily enough and not far from home at all.
The only movement in the water was the rowing club and tiny little carps. Phil made it a matter of honour to catch them on his homemade fly immitation, just to prove his prowess as a hunter and provider. Not that we kept them, they were duly shown to E - to his delight - and then promptly released back into the water.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
In the isles
I am standing in the toy isle of a big chainstore. This lady approached me to ask some advice about a toy she wants to buy for her 10 month old. We start talking and about 2 hours later I walk out with a new project!! You never know what awaits around the next corner, or shopping trip.
She is opening a new toy store at a local shopping centre and we started to discuss the quality and variety of toys available in SA. It turns out that she tried to use local manufacturers but that quality and interest are both lacking. Her answer to that was to import really quality stuff from Europe and the US, but I have convinced her to rather start a manufacturing plant!!
The end result of this isle meeting is another meeting today to discuss how we can combine skills development, job creation and good quality SA toys. I think we need to brand our product well and start to develop toys for Africa. With puzzles and stories about our legends, fables and heros rather than regurgitating US culture.
She is opening a new toy store at a local shopping centre and we started to discuss the quality and variety of toys available in SA. It turns out that she tried to use local manufacturers but that quality and interest are both lacking. Her answer to that was to import really quality stuff from Europe and the US, but I have convinced her to rather start a manufacturing plant!!
The end result of this isle meeting is another meeting today to discuss how we can combine skills development, job creation and good quality SA toys. I think we need to brand our product well and start to develop toys for Africa. With puzzles and stories about our legends, fables and heros rather than regurgitating US culture.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Fresh new faces
They are gathered all around me, these new, young, would-be sociologists. We are discussing my course material, stuff I have lovingly pondered over for close to a week now. With eyes big the one asks 'do we have to read every single one of these references?'
I can only stare back and nod affirmative 'Ya, you do' Thinking, why would I spend hours researching the stuff if I did not expect anybody to read it.
Now, I know chances are that only 2 hard working little souls in the class of 13 will even come close to doing the proper preparation. But still, do they have to be so obvious about it? A pretty little blonde quirps ' so what about my social life then' I had to ruin it for her by telling her that she is now grown-up and a social life is something mostly left to the odd weekend.
I can only stare back and nod affirmative 'Ya, you do' Thinking, why would I spend hours researching the stuff if I did not expect anybody to read it.
Now, I know chances are that only 2 hard working little souls in the class of 13 will even come close to doing the proper preparation. But still, do they have to be so obvious about it? A pretty little blonde quirps ' so what about my social life then' I had to ruin it for her by telling her that she is now grown-up and a social life is something mostly left to the odd weekend.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
My life must be perfect
I have everything I could ever want for. The omens for my career, family and horse all show that we are on a spiral to success.
In my career, I am standing right at the beginning of the most amazing opportunities that will open doors for me and let me do what I really want to be doing. I work from home, my time is my own but it is mixed with just enough excitement and stress to let me jump out of bed in the morning. Our current research project is a bit of a downer but just around the next corner there are the mind bogling opportunity to orchestrate the development of a whole rural community from scratch - now I dont know about others but to me that is like a dream come true!! Now if we can only get started on that tomorrow it would great! I am teaching again as well - 4th year students at the local varsity, but this year I have had the opportunity to change and update the course material. I think it will be a little less depressing now.
Family is looking good - we are still working on the stuff but at least we are working together and trying to unravel the different knots of emotions. The trick with relationships I think is to not take others for granted and to really communicate openly in stead of not wanting to see the trouble you know are brewing. E is really in his element now that dad is home so much and we get to spend a lot of family time together.
And Shanie, my bobba..what can I say - we have started to get into a proper workout routine again and I have organised to have one show jumping lesson a week. That will get us two back into shape in no time and make for a mother that has enough adrenaline in her bloodstream to safe the braincells from atrophy.
If only I can get my head and heart in line, the field will be ours
In my career, I am standing right at the beginning of the most amazing opportunities that will open doors for me and let me do what I really want to be doing. I work from home, my time is my own but it is mixed with just enough excitement and stress to let me jump out of bed in the morning. Our current research project is a bit of a downer but just around the next corner there are the mind bogling opportunity to orchestrate the development of a whole rural community from scratch - now I dont know about others but to me that is like a dream come true!! Now if we can only get started on that tomorrow it would great! I am teaching again as well - 4th year students at the local varsity, but this year I have had the opportunity to change and update the course material. I think it will be a little less depressing now.
Family is looking good - we are still working on the stuff but at least we are working together and trying to unravel the different knots of emotions. The trick with relationships I think is to not take others for granted and to really communicate openly in stead of not wanting to see the trouble you know are brewing. E is really in his element now that dad is home so much and we get to spend a lot of family time together.
And Shanie, my bobba..what can I say - we have started to get into a proper workout routine again and I have organised to have one show jumping lesson a week. That will get us two back into shape in no time and make for a mother that has enough adrenaline in her bloodstream to safe the braincells from atrophy.
If only I can get my head and heart in line, the field will be ours
Monday, January 23, 2006
Blood and lots of it
Said friend cut the veins on his left arm. He tried to do a good job of it and sliced through the tendons as well. Then he could not hold the knife to cut the right arm and he did not bleed to death as another friend found him before that. I would not be surprised if he phoned that friend to tell him goodbye first. I think one of the strongest instincts of any human is survival. He will now carry a good scar on his left arm for the rest of his life - however long that might be.
Maybe we can get him to view that scar not as a sign of his failure to die, but his success in surviving life.
Maybe we can get him to view that scar not as a sign of his failure to die, but his success in surviving life.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Life Death and Everything in between
A good friend of ours recently got divorced (note: the we and ours creaping back in) and somehow realised that the let the love, laughter and jewel of his life get away because he was so damn egoistic. This is the same friend p stayed with when we were seperated. He seems to have lost all will and desire to continue his life on this earth and since Friday he has been threatening with suicide. P just got a phonecall from one of the other friends to meet them at the closest hospital - no further details.
He is an adult male in his 30ties, how does one tell him that there still is something to live for if he believes that he has lost everything that truly mattered to him? Maybe he did loose it all. Funny thing is - I did some work for him just after the divorce and he told me that he has had enough of his wife's nonsense and that he cannot concentrate on making the type of money he should be earning. Now that the divorce is done and finished, maybe he can focus on that which really matters. Well, currently he is in an amazing financial position with all the opportunities a youngster could ask for but it has all lost its shine without her.
Now I can only wait and see if he will be ok - whatever that might mean. What if he does survive but all he still wants to do is die? How does one find meaning in life when there is none to see?
He is an adult male in his 30ties, how does one tell him that there still is something to live for if he believes that he has lost everything that truly mattered to him? Maybe he did loose it all. Funny thing is - I did some work for him just after the divorce and he told me that he has had enough of his wife's nonsense and that he cannot concentrate on making the type of money he should be earning. Now that the divorce is done and finished, maybe he can focus on that which really matters. Well, currently he is in an amazing financial position with all the opportunities a youngster could ask for but it has all lost its shine without her.
Now I can only wait and see if he will be ok - whatever that might mean. What if he does survive but all he still wants to do is die? How does one find meaning in life when there is none to see?
Friday, January 20, 2006
Feeling like Freud
So, we are sitting on the couch, the coucellor has a poker face. Our first session has just about started - just about, since the prelude was the perfect stage setter.
Rewind, as we enter we are given a form to complete - I read it first and then start filling it in. P just starts at the top and works his way down, halfway he wants to know if I need a pen. No, I said. I am just reading through the whole form before I fill anything in. So he starts to read the three quarter page point by point explanation about why this councellor is a councellor and not a psychologist. He only gets to the first line before the toys are thrown out of the cot, I ask said councellor for a short private moment with him. Now before hand we agreed that we will go to this girl and if we do not like her we will not go back. Here he does not want to complete the form and wants to go home - what is with this shit I ask you!!!!!! So i tell him his response is imature - heheheh, he runs out the door, and leaves me in the office. So I complete the form, go down, talk to him - he agrees to come back and complete first session as agreed to before hand.
Ok, so back to the couch....I admire councellor as she manages to stay focused on therapy whilst she must wonder how we ever made it together for this long. I don't know myself quite frankly??? Maybe because we never confronted any issues in the past - maybe I just lived in some fictionaly fairytale of my own.
At the end of the session she says that we do not have to come back and gives us numbers for psychologists. She does tell us however about a programme she has had some success with takes a 12 week period to work through different issues and excerises. The only rule is that once you start you have to commit for the full 12 weeks and not divorce/or kill your spouse before the programme is over. We both kinda agreed that it will be a good idea to work through a structured programme like that.
Funny thing is - when this whole lot started, he wanted time out and I wanted a three month intense workout period to see if the marriage is what we really wanted. So he got his 8 week timeout and I am gonna get my 12 week intense work through.
Rewind, as we enter we are given a form to complete - I read it first and then start filling it in. P just starts at the top and works his way down, halfway he wants to know if I need a pen. No, I said. I am just reading through the whole form before I fill anything in. So he starts to read the three quarter page point by point explanation about why this councellor is a councellor and not a psychologist. He only gets to the first line before the toys are thrown out of the cot, I ask said councellor for a short private moment with him. Now before hand we agreed that we will go to this girl and if we do not like her we will not go back. Here he does not want to complete the form and wants to go home - what is with this shit I ask you!!!!!! So i tell him his response is imature - heheheh, he runs out the door, and leaves me in the office. So I complete the form, go down, talk to him - he agrees to come back and complete first session as agreed to before hand.
Ok, so back to the couch....I admire councellor as she manages to stay focused on therapy whilst she must wonder how we ever made it together for this long. I don't know myself quite frankly??? Maybe because we never confronted any issues in the past - maybe I just lived in some fictionaly fairytale of my own.
At the end of the session she says that we do not have to come back and gives us numbers for psychologists. She does tell us however about a programme she has had some success with takes a 12 week period to work through different issues and excerises. The only rule is that once you start you have to commit for the full 12 weeks and not divorce/or kill your spouse before the programme is over. We both kinda agreed that it will be a good idea to work through a structured programme like that.
Funny thing is - when this whole lot started, he wanted time out and I wanted a three month intense workout period to see if the marriage is what we really wanted. So he got his 8 week timeout and I am gonna get my 12 week intense work through.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
What is in a name??
I have been wondering over this for a while now as I obviously will have to rename my blog. I just dont seem to come up with anything, normally things like that just come to me - I obviously need to figure out what I want my blog to be doing mmmmmm
Sex, Lies and Videotape
Was the name of the video p took out as prelude to some interesting sex - he clearly did not think as it led to a totally stressed out wife. Now the divide is huge as the silence does not seem to break. Fortunately our first councelling session is this Friday morning at 8:00 sharp.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Going back to school
If there was anyone out there wondering what the fuck happened after the conversation - I do apologize. A mix of life and emotions kept me far from my keyboard.
The conversation was had and it was a really short one at that. The outcome was that we have decided to work on the relationship rather than keep some divorce lawyer in business. If I have to be blatantly wretchedly nasty honest - I have to admit that I am not sure how I feel about starting all over again. Which is why this is back to school for me. I have a distinct feeling that we will not be able to pick our relationship up from where we left it. Here I am referring to nearly two years ago, shortly post partum and all those beautiful things.
The following was decided - and it irks me that it is was all my suggestions and that P just agreed to it.
1. We will go see a marriage councilor, I came up with a name and a number and have been trying to set an appointment for this coming week.
2. We have a house meeting every second week in which we objectively discuss stuff - anything is open for discussion. Another of my ideas - can you see where this is going?? Even in the discussion (we have had one) I am doing most of the talking. We have however ended with a list of what each had to do for the next two weeks - mainly sorting stuff like wills, finances and admin. The next meeting he will have to chair though.
3. Weekly sessions where we just talk about the week past - the good and the not so good stuff.
4. We each get two weeks in which to organise special family time - one week with all three of us, the next we organise a baby sitter and it is just the two of us, just making sure we spend time together and build a relationship in stead of just existing. This last week was the first of those and I organised for the three of us to go to the zoo - it was a really pleasant trip and e fell asleep about half way through but us adults still had fun.
5. when my parents come up for their business meetings every quarter they will look after e one night so we can have a sleep out time spend together.
I think our biggest thing after the birth of little one was never spending alone time together - so we will try and rectify that and with time and counseling we might be able to build a strong future for us together instead of just living in a madhouse ratrace of big city career lives.....Or so I hope.
The conversation was had and it was a really short one at that. The outcome was that we have decided to work on the relationship rather than keep some divorce lawyer in business. If I have to be blatantly wretchedly nasty honest - I have to admit that I am not sure how I feel about starting all over again. Which is why this is back to school for me. I have a distinct feeling that we will not be able to pick our relationship up from where we left it. Here I am referring to nearly two years ago, shortly post partum and all those beautiful things.
The following was decided - and it irks me that it is was all my suggestions and that P just agreed to it.
1. We will go see a marriage councilor, I came up with a name and a number and have been trying to set an appointment for this coming week.
2. We have a house meeting every second week in which we objectively discuss stuff - anything is open for discussion. Another of my ideas - can you see where this is going?? Even in the discussion (we have had one) I am doing most of the talking. We have however ended with a list of what each had to do for the next two weeks - mainly sorting stuff like wills, finances and admin. The next meeting he will have to chair though.
3. Weekly sessions where we just talk about the week past - the good and the not so good stuff.
4. We each get two weeks in which to organise special family time - one week with all three of us, the next we organise a baby sitter and it is just the two of us, just making sure we spend time together and build a relationship in stead of just existing. This last week was the first of those and I organised for the three of us to go to the zoo - it was a really pleasant trip and e fell asleep about half way through but us adults still had fun.
5. when my parents come up for their business meetings every quarter they will look after e one night so we can have a sleep out time spend together.
I think our biggest thing after the birth of little one was never spending alone time together - so we will try and rectify that and with time and counseling we might be able to build a strong future for us together instead of just living in a madhouse ratrace of big city career lives.....Or so I hope.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Writers block
I always find it difficult to write if I am in the middle of too much emotional turmoil. I cannot talk to people and I cannot write about it. It is as if I am too scared to look inside of me. So let us just look at the ordinary things for the moment.
E and me went to the coast this past week. It was a good drive down, the weather was absolutely beautiful and my little boy LOVED the water. Good for him, as I am a total fish and as soon as he is old enough we are going diving!! The short flight back was very exciting even if we had bad weather for the whole duration of the flight.
Tomorrow there will be another CONVERSATION. I do not understand why it has to be tomorrow and not today. He wants to tell me want he has decided about the future. Quite honestly, I don't know what I want to hear. On the one side I find it difficult to believe that my life with him is over, that we are getting a divorce, that there are no hope for us creating a future together. On the other side, I do not even feel like I know this man that wears his face. I do not imagine that I could ever trust him again, far less put my heart back in his hands. I have played the two scenarios over and over in my head and I do not know what to think anymore. I do know that if I had to be an outsider to this situation and it was a dear friend of mine that asked for advice, I would tell them to walk away and never look back. So why then have I a kernel of hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me? Why am I not so angry at him for what he has done that I never want to see his face again? Have I no steel in my bones or do I just not give up easily????
E and me went to the coast this past week. It was a good drive down, the weather was absolutely beautiful and my little boy LOVED the water. Good for him, as I am a total fish and as soon as he is old enough we are going diving!! The short flight back was very exciting even if we had bad weather for the whole duration of the flight.
Tomorrow there will be another CONVERSATION. I do not understand why it has to be tomorrow and not today. He wants to tell me want he has decided about the future. Quite honestly, I don't know what I want to hear. On the one side I find it difficult to believe that my life with him is over, that we are getting a divorce, that there are no hope for us creating a future together. On the other side, I do not even feel like I know this man that wears his face. I do not imagine that I could ever trust him again, far less put my heart back in his hands. I have played the two scenarios over and over in my head and I do not know what to think anymore. I do know that if I had to be an outsider to this situation and it was a dear friend of mine that asked for advice, I would tell them to walk away and never look back. So why then have I a kernel of hope that he still loves me and wants to be with me? Why am I not so angry at him for what he has done that I never want to see his face again? Have I no steel in my bones or do I just not give up easily????
Friday, December 09, 2005
Rage
I have gone from denial and mourning to Rage - viscous, violent, angry emotions are storming inside of me. I have but to think about the previous 20 months and the volcano stirs to life. I have given so much, I have trusted implicitly and I asked for nothing in return. Well I got more than I ever bargained for - the words deceitfull, honourless, asshole reverberates through my mind. Shanie has been ridden in tight circles and figures of eight, bending, flexing and sweating it out with me on his back. Circles going round and round with my angry thoughts. Even typing this turns my mouth into a bitter smile.
Inspite of the anger in me I have been told today that I look radiant??!!!! And the person wanted to know what is going on with me that I look so glowingly happy....mmmm....I left my deceitfull, faithless asshole of a husband!!! At least now I can mourn the death of something dear. Looking and hoping to find that which would never be was certainly driving me over the edge.
Then I am told by one of our mutual friends that p is going through a difficult time and that people are not made for this type of shit. Yeah, right I want to SCREAM back at him, who's decision was this?? Who betrayed who here??? He deserves every bit of miserable emotion he is feeling and more. Even though I am sore, at least I have been let out of jail.
Inspite of the anger in me I have been told today that I look radiant??!!!! And the person wanted to know what is going on with me that I look so glowingly happy....mmmm....I left my deceitfull, faithless asshole of a husband!!! At least now I can mourn the death of something dear. Looking and hoping to find that which would never be was certainly driving me over the edge.
Then I am told by one of our mutual friends that p is going through a difficult time and that people are not made for this type of shit. Yeah, right I want to SCREAM back at him, who's decision was this?? Who betrayed who here??? He deserves every bit of miserable emotion he is feeling and more. Even though I am sore, at least I have been let out of jail.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
No shit!!
There are two puppies still left from Nikita's litter and housetraining them has been an ordeal. Now, when E sees doggie shit anywhere on the yard, he runs to get toiletpaper and calls me excitedly over to clean up the mess. Now, I agree that it needs cleaning, but my dogs are big and and 4 square inch of toiletpaper will not do the trick.
With our newly cleared and clean yard, the property looks a lot bigger and all of a sudden E is not afraid to play all by himself in the garden anymore.
It was daddy's day yesterday - he came over to feed, bath and tuck e in. It really upset me, not that I miss what we had the last two years - I really really miss our fictional future. Looking back, I have no recent memories or foundation to base this happy future family on, but it seems that I really had a very strong idea in my head about something that was never real. Maybe it is my happy childhood memories I have projected into the future of my child and it has nothing to do with my current experiences.
With our newly cleared and clean yard, the property looks a lot bigger and all of a sudden E is not afraid to play all by himself in the garden anymore.
It was daddy's day yesterday - he came over to feed, bath and tuck e in. It really upset me, not that I miss what we had the last two years - I really really miss our fictional future. Looking back, I have no recent memories or foundation to base this happy future family on, but it seems that I really had a very strong idea in my head about something that was never real. Maybe it is my happy childhood memories I have projected into the future of my child and it has nothing to do with my current experiences.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Clearing out the jungle
My backyard looks like the perfect setting for a thriller murder movie. Overgrown lawns, weedchoked beddings and ivy trailing nearly to the ground. When I moved in (notice the absence of 'we') it was all barren. This was only about 13 weeks ago. But the seasonal rains started and the seeds of all kinds of 'evil' bloomed and blossomed.
This morning I hired 'The exterminator' who wanted to charge me 600 buckaroos to clean us up - It is more like cleaning me out. No sorry sir, I said to erstwile entrepeneur, can not do that. So we settled on R400 and monthly maintenance of R80 per week. Taken that I am not fulltime employed and neither do I know where my next cent will come from - this might be rather brave. At least I will not feel embarresment crawl up my cheecks everytime my business partners from the manicured lawn suburb comes along to fetch or deliver something.
This morning I hired 'The exterminator' who wanted to charge me 600 buckaroos to clean us up - It is more like cleaning me out. No sorry sir, I said to erstwile entrepeneur, can not do that. So we settled on R400 and monthly maintenance of R80 per week. Taken that I am not fulltime employed and neither do I know where my next cent will come from - this might be rather brave. At least I will not feel embarresment crawl up my cheecks everytime my business partners from the manicured lawn suburb comes along to fetch or deliver something.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
the party
So we went to the 21st today, and I must say it was real fun. I felt part of something bigger than just our little family, connected to a wider web of genes and history. I did not notice anyone treating me differently. Phil came near the end of it. His lack of contact was brushed of as the result of him locking himself in his room for two days, not noticing the time. Ja well fine, how about that. Not one thought to be spared to a little boy that looks twice at every man walking past, runs around the house calling daddy daddy daddy and generally has a haunted look in his eyes when phil does not pitch for two days in a row. How can a grown man be so self-centered??
My own betrayed me, as my heart leaped when I saw Phil coming down the stairs. Ugh how goes that song 'unchain my heart' suppose I can answer with 'I am strong enough to live without you'
But in short, the day was good, phil's mom and dad was very glad to see us. They bought e a carload of presents but he did not even want to sit with them or be held by them. I can't help it, they have not seen him for a year.
My own betrayed me, as my heart leaped when I saw Phil coming down the stairs. Ugh how goes that song 'unchain my heart' suppose I can answer with 'I am strong enough to live without you'
But in short, the day was good, phil's mom and dad was very glad to see us. They bought e a carload of presents but he did not even want to sit with them or be held by them. I can't help it, they have not seen him for a year.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
It did not last long
I was wondering about phil and his new found urge to see E. Well, it is something of the past it seems. No calls, no contact, no arrangements to see his little boy this weekend. When I called his phone late afternoon yesterday, I got a sms. In conference call to America, will phone you later. Well, we are still waiting. Maybe it is a helluva long call - about 18 hours to be precise.
Tomorrow it is phil's youngest brother's 21. He phoned me last night to ask if I will come. Off course I will, I said - he is as much my little bro as anybody elses. The whole family will be there (not sure if Phil will) so it might be an interesting experience.
Tomorrow it is phil's youngest brother's 21. He phoned me last night to ask if I will come. Off course I will, I said - he is as much my little bro as anybody elses. The whole family will be there (not sure if Phil will) so it might be an interesting experience.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)