Moving Inn

yes, up to now I have kind of lived in rented accommodation. A roof over our heads, a place to work, sleep and while away hours.

Inside of me a desire, a pressure, has been building for a home. A cozy place of refuge, a quiet little 'me' place. I started searching the For Sale boards. Checking out property websites. Devising plans for how I could afford this little nest. Then I realised. I have everything I need right here, I just need to move into it. I need to make me a home right where I am staying. It is perfect. Somebody else takes care of everything, all I have to do is live here. No added stress, nothing.

So I bought Stephan some breakfast (E's godfater and Phil's younger brother) and dragged him all over town with me. To find a couch and a TV cabinent (yes, we have been sitting on the floor and then later on funny looking garden chairs and the TV stands on the floor). He accompanied me with the patience of a saint. From one shop to the next, across town and back. And this on his holiday. But I got what I liked. To be delivered soon. I will post before and after piccies in the near future.

Stephan's advice and patience and general interest in my wellbeing was a soothing balm on my spiky nerves. He has a true artists eye combined with a practicality and feel for life like few other people I know. I have to say 'thank you'. What was interesting though, was how everybody just assumed we were a couple.

Back from our little break

A whirlwind December left no time to gather my thoughts, feelings or christmas presents for that matter. Until the last moment, when I shopped, wrapped and packed the car all in a couple of hours. To go for our much anticipated week long holiday in the Drakensberg mountains. Where it was beautiful, lush green, quiet and best of all - no cellphone reception. So we rested and ate and drank and then did it all over again.

A couple of milestones for everyone;
E learned to ride his bike without the side wheels

John and Nikyle joined us from Christmas day until the weekend, the first time the two of them have spend christmas together, as well as, the first time they have gone away together.

And no less, the first time we have joined forces as a family with my parents, E, me,John and Nikyle

It worked out well and we all had a good time....even the two boys had fun together.

Gold Medal Mom

Sorry, No it was not your name we called out mam

I did not really think so

On Wednesday night I was so tired
My kid ate Strawberry rice krispies for dinner
In front of the TV
Then he sat watching cartoons
until he fetched his pillow
and fell asleep on the cold hard tile floor

I was sitting next to him
furiously typing on my computer
trying to make the deadline
I am still working on

The one that has had me cancel my weekend camping trip
with my little boy
to rather spend it
working some more and more and more
Fortunately E will not know that
as he is going fishing with his dad tomorrow
and on Sunday
we will drive down to Ouma and Oupa far away
to celebrate

40 Years of Marriage
together, happy and still in love

It is all about choices, I know

So when faced with this new dilemma in my life called Elrich's baby brother, it was time for introspection again. When I got over the fact that I was the one that wanted another kid, and now Phil is going to have another one - what did I say about my perception that he is living our/my dreams? Incidentally, he never bought that property (but I am getting sidetracked here)

How to approach this? What do I want? Are we going to be awkward about this for the rest of our lives, how will we (Elrich and me and Phil and Thersia, because face it, she is part of this family now as well) deal with this baby brother?

Oi

Then the opportunity was created, in no other place than the local Medical clinic. Where I spend all of Thursday with the doctors, trying to figure out exactly what was brewing in my brain. As I emerged from the physio therapist, I got a weak little hello from just behind my left shoulder. And who was sitting there sheepishly? None other than Phil. Yes, he was sick as well, similar symptoms as me, but not quite as severe and not as whacky, except that he had a rash to add to his ailments (getting side tracked again…maybe my brain did get infected?) so we exchanged a couple of words and I went down to the pharmacy to pick up my script and there we talked some more. So much so that I suggested we sit down for a cup of coffee at a local restaurant.

We talked about this, and that, some business and so on. And right at the end I told him that I want him to know that I have thought about this baby and him and Thersia and I have decided that they are all welcome in my house. That we will just be an extended family, that I want E to grow up with his brother, that we must be comfortable going to the kiddies birthday parties and that I know they are not a match made in heaven. But that I wish them happiness in any case and whether they are together as a couple going forward or not, his kid(s) will still be welcome in my house. And that I want us to create as normal and loving environment as possible for all the children involved. He agreed with me, which is not surprising as he has always agreed with me ;-) but he did make one additional gesture, he invited me to Thersia’s birthday party the 20^th of December at his house, which will double as a Christmas party for the family and family friends and all the children. So I accepted. And then today when they came to fetch E, they dropped a poster counting down the days to the birth of the little tyke – due date 16^th of April. I will mount it in E’s room and dutifully stick stickers on it.

For the life of me, I cannot remember the little guy’s name, but it does sound something like Dolphin but spelled along the lines of Dhaol Finn (really not sure about the spelling as Phil did it over the phone and by that stage I was trying to not burst out laughing)

Fun with words

Mom, it is ok - I am licking the leaking milk.....hehehehe licking the leaking milk

I loved listening to him tasting the words in his mouth. His fascination with the similar sounds and the different meanings. Repeating the same phrase over and over.

Clearing out the stockpile

Whilst in a workshop with one of my clients today she got called out to an emergency meeting. Only to rush back half an hour later, flushed and flustered. The whole operation will be closing down for four months. No production, no work....for more than a thousand people. The reason, their international market has slowed down so much that their stockpile of product has become a white elephant which must be moved before production can be continued. This is a mine with a lifespan of a further 30 years, one in which we, just minutes before, were discussing the recruitment ramp up, we thought was planned for next year.

A thousand lives, just before christmas, from all over Southern Africa. All the strategies and plans for development and economic stimulation are just that. Plans and strategies.....hopefully they will not gather dust in file thirteen.

It is confirmed

E is going to become a big brother. The new baby boy will be born in April.

I am still giggling about this. I cannot help but remember the sessions we had in marriage councelling where Phil very clearly stated that he just does not feel like the commitments of fatherhood and why should he sacrifice his immediate carnal desires to be a loving and supportive husband? How could his wife expect that of him?

I have it on good authority that nothing has changed. That he still runs away from wife and house on a regular basis. That he has told the girlfriend that he just needs to get away from her and everything a bit every now and again. To hang out with his mates at odd places and do things he never talks to anyone about. I am so glad/relieved/ elated that I am not part of that crazy ride. I do feel sorry for the girlfriend though.

I wonder how E will react to the news, when his father plucks up the courage to tell him. He has to do it and soon, I am sure reference will be made more and more often to the new baby... and besides, the girl is very obviously pregnant.

Mom, is your heart angry or sad ?

Babes, my heart is nothing

What do you mean your heart is nothing?
How can your heart be nothing?
If your heart is nothing, then you are nothing
and then I do not have a mom!

What kind of work?

Teeaaam work....that is the moto in our little house. E helps me by setting the table, washing up (sometimes), cleaning his room (tidy, vacuum and mop ;-) and looking after himself aka dressing, bathing, brushing and wiping. I know the quality control is sometimes lacking, but hey...we will get there.

A couple of action shots

Getting all ready at the cycle race the other day

Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)


And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.


What a shot!

A southern perspective

I cannot help myself. I find the current political regime in the US of A amusing. Africa was always the deep dark black continent. A hole in the map. Even academics in the North tend to group all of us together....as Africa. Heck, even South Africans are guilty of this referral to Africa as a homogenous continent. With just one fate; oblivion, mass poverty and corruption.

And now, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, hails from Africa. With roots outside western dogma, western religion and a western mind set. Yes, he is American. I do not doubt that for a second. But still - he is not as American as the previous regime. He at least knows that Africa is a continent and not a country.

But not only that, now I really can laugh at racist comments in SA. People criticizing the South African government based on the racial make up will have to think twice. Further, the bar has been raised for our government. No longer is it ok to hide behind their race either. There is a man walking in the front, a man obviously different looking from his predecessors. A man not part of the family of presidents that went before him. A fresh breath. I wonder what that will mean for foreign policy, xenophobia in America, tolerance of difference. But I also wonder if he will live to see through his term. If he will have the support and strength of character to unite a divided nation. To catch that ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (nation?)

So mom, tell me

how are you today?

Is what my little guy wanted to know on the way home from school. So I told him I am absolutely splendid. I am healthy, I am with him and everything looks nice to me. And how are you my boy?

I am terrible, he says

Oh, why ever then?

Because Manno just cries at school and eats food from the floor and that is just disgusting. I dont want anybody to be friends with him.

I feel like curling up

and crying my heart out.

Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê

This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me

The greek philosopher retained his sense of humour

and told me last night that his new slogan is

If you are alive, why worry about it?

It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'

mmmm Yes please

For nearly a year I have been a rather recalcitrant and sometimes reluctant girlfriend. Most of our disagreements and moments have been because I push him away from me emotionally. But now, he is lying in ICU in hospital, seriously sick from a surprise heart attack and all I want to do is curl up on his lap and feel him stroke my hair. Kissing my brow, telling me that if we just enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

A couple of firsts

Today E participated in the 3 - 4 year old category for the Pick A Pay Cycle race and it was very 'scary' and 'exciting' all at once. After looking forward to it for the whole week and sitting on his bicycle ready to go from 8 this morning, we nearly left the starting point as he was just too overwhelmed by the crowd and the atmosphere to continue. Some reassurance and a promise I will hold him all the way and we were ready to roll. It went surprisingly well. We did not fall off or bump into anyone and did not get bumped into either. And he made it all the way to the end to get his medal, juice and chocolate.

Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p

Like a sponge they say

I know that a young child's mind is like a sponge, absorbing everything around them and more often than not, they learn the stuff you don't want them to know, long before they learn what you are trying to teach them.

We have been working on and off on letter recognition for a while now and I must admit, not with much success. E seems to recognise certain words easily but not all the letters consistently in an alphabetical or any random order for that matter. He loves playing the I-spie game though and are really good at coming up with different words that start with the same letter. Lately he has been asking me to read labels and names of things to him and I have invited him to read it with me. To great success.

A while ago I bought a couple of first level reader books for E but we have never had the opportunity to work through them and tonight I decided to pull the little first level book from the shelve and encouraged E to read it to me. Which he did. I must admit, I am quite surprised but also very very proud of the little man.

Knotted up

I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.

Taking work to the bushveld

One of the joys of working from your cellphone and your computer is that you really could do it from anywhere ;-) and not too long ago, I did exactly that. I packed the bag and the kiddo and we joined the grandparents at Dikholo, a small game farm not too far of the beaten track

High on the mountain at a lookout - we spend quite a bit of time here looking at the animals and the beautiful vistas of endless rolling hills and bushveld. A little Dassie was warming itself in the sun. These little animals are normally quite shy, but not here, I am not sure if their strength is in their numbers (they were everywhere) or whether they are just so used to living in close proximity to humans that they have become quite tame.



The resort seen from the lookout point. It is beautiful, if a bit overdeveloped


We went for a walk one morning fairly early and I decided to leave my long lens...I am in a game farm and I left my long lense. I know, unbelievable. I was very frustrated halfway through as we got very close to the animals but the short lense just does not do them justice. I played hide a seek with this giraffe for a bit.

Fresh mountain water

My newest most favourite photo of E was taken in the mountains of Crete where we use to go every other day to collect fresh drinking water for the house. What a simple lifestyle people have there