All ready???

Yip - we are leaving for holidays tomorrow morning at some dark hour - not that I have packed one piece of clothing yet. Still working to finish some stuff for clients that got behind with our camping in the clinic this week past. Fortunately E got a clean bill of health this morning, well kind off - we are armoured with a whole bag of medicine and back up telephone numbers, but the ped seems to think that clean sea and forest air will be just the thing for him.

I am too scared yet to get excited, so much to do still before I can start thinking that I am on holiday. But I am sure it will start to become reality for me soon enough.

I phoned the Phillipolis people today to confirm our booking, we dont know yet where we will stay in Graaff Reinet, but that is half the fun, Yes? Snacks and medicines are packed and waiting on the kitchen counter and I spend some money on a couple of new clothes and a hairstyle...lol, nothing like 'getting ready' to relax. Besides, some retail therapy after a stressed out week is never a bad thing.

Oh and I got good news today - the book I have a chapter in has been published and the first formal launch is the 6th of June, with press and speakers and cocktails!! I am so excited, it has been a long two year process of which I was not even fully aware, apart from the numerous drafts I wrote after the initial one got accepted. So, watch out for 'Globalisation and New Social Identities: A View From The Middle.' A rather thought provoking book - to certain readers, and my bit is all about identity and communication technology - specifically chatrooms!!! hehehehe, none of you feature there. Funny enough, I joined the boards after the research was completed when I tried to find a way of coping with a surprise pregnancy, lol.

Fuck It!!!

Elrich and me found ourselves sitting on a cot in the pediatric ward of our local, very expensive private clinic. Tubes and wires are running from his nostrils and left hand to various machines whirring on the background. It is dusk and his about third nebuliser treatment was, for this our first day in hospital, just completed. He looks around him at all the blinking lights, sighs deeply and then exclaims in this rather loud toddler voice: "Fuck it!!"

I could not help but agree with him.

Even thinking back, no other expression coming from anyone could have summed up my or his emotions in a better way. So I agreed, and left it at that. Not sure what the other two mothers thought of his insight in matters emotional.

Poor kiddo, he will probably be in hospital till Thursday with bronchial pneumonia - maybe that was what my small voice of disaster was all about?? Should I take a newly out of hospital kid on a cross country trek?

Going on holiday!!

Next week Friday we are set to leave for 10 days holiday!! I am very excited to go, even if some little sceptical voice keeps telling me that something will happen and we would not be able to go. This voice has been so convincing that I have left confirming our booking so long at the one place that we lost it - fortunately I could find another little place close by, a bit more pricey but as nice and they gave me a 10% discount on the overall booking. SO I paid the deposit, and confirmed that we will be there. I still have a nagging feeling that something are gonna prevent us from going, maybe it is just all the disappointments over the last two years that is raising its ugly head here??

Well here is a link to the place we are gonna stay at www.forestedge.co.za, isn't it just totally gorgeous and romantic??

We are taking a slow drive down there, it is about 1,200 km. First night we are sleeping in a little town called Philippolis, who has the dubious reputation of being in the centre of SA, and one of the oldest towns in the freestate http://www.philippolis.org.za/ . Our plan is to leave home Friday night and get there in time for breakfast and E waking up. After a relaxing day spend investigating the town and surrounds we want to drive to Graaff - Reinette the next day http://www.graaffreinet.co.za/, where I want to go the Valley of Desolation and Nieu Bethesda http://www.nieubethesda.co.za/. WE will be in this area till the 12th of April, after which we drive down to Knysna, Forest edge and my best friend's wedding Saturday the 16th of April. I think it will be fun and we are visiting places I have never seen as an adult.

After all the crazyness of March, a relaxing quiet holiday in beautifull scenery with good food is just what we need!! Now lets hope it all happens as planned.

It is Friday!!

We made it! true to form though, my client changed deadlines on me and the presentation was yesterday. I had to work like fiend on Wednesday, halfway through the day I discovered that one of the functions I was using in SPSS has expired. EXPIRED!!! We just payed 12 g's for this programme and one of the function expired after three months! Turns out that they allow you to use the full funtionality of the programme for a month after you started to use the package and then some of the more 'advanced' functions expires and you have to pruchase it as seperate modules - for another 7 g's a shot!! Seven thousand to use the tables....I nearly had a heart attack. Told the client I could not do the one graph for him and then woke up Tursday morning at 3:30 with another solution to the problem clear as day in my head. SO I got up, changed the report and presentation and emailed it to dear client - must have reached him at 5:00 in the morning. He was over the moon when I told him and all in all the presentation went really well!

So that is one job taken care of, now all that remains is the Thabazimbi stuff - I have done the exam paper, organised the external and even made a spare moment this morning to ride Shanie. LIfe is starting to look more relaxed - still have to find a place to stay at Knysna for our holidays week after next.....Ack, Still waiting for my client to pay me, guess I cant pay deposits until that is sorted.

It is done - almost

The first draft report was handed in to the client, before the deadline.....now it is not 100%. A bit of editing here and there, some tables and charts to add and cleaning of the TOC, but it is 90%.

Typically to my style, though , I totally overperformend and the client cannot believe the quality of this, my half done draft. I am very happy, relieved, and totally deflated.

I think the pressure and stress of motherhood, my marriage, and successfull professional nearly burned me out. I could not see out of my eyes for a good 3 days and on our Thabazimbi trip (again) on Wednesday my collegue kept telling me how "absolutely terrible' I look.

Gee thanks, I now feel much better knowing I look exactly like I feel.

So, life is slowly winding down. Only one more totally crazy week in which I must complete the Thabazimbi stuff, present my last honours class for this quarter, hand in the exam questions, finalise the draft report and prepare a presentation of the results to the Exco on Friday morning.

Falling back

I feel like I am taking one step forward only to fall three back

It seems to me that we are going to this marriage councelling and it is wonderfull but real life did not change

I still feel lonely, cut off and isolated

I try to talk to phil about it and he says that he is just tired. Now what does that mean? Is he depressed, unhappy or overworked.

He agrees with every thing I say, but nothing changes

It is so frustrating

When is enough enough, and how would I know that the rainbow is not around the next corner?

Go away!!

As I am wrestling with Elrich to get him undressed and in the bath, all I hear is 'go away - go away!!" Now standing upside down trying to undress a two year old rolling on the bathroom floor, whilst you have your own swollen, throbbing eye is just no fun. So I decided to take his advice and 'Go away' . It took about 2 seconds flat for him to be on my lap, cuddling into my arms as I sat exhausted on the toilet seat.

What a cute little body.

The fight started all over as soon as I put him in the tub!!I do not know why he did not want to bath tonight, maybe it has something to do with the medicine that have been following bathtime all week this week...

That's it!!

Now I have an eye infection!! I can only see out of the right eye as my left one is soo swollen, I look like a war hero. And if that is not enough that I now do analysis with a bandage around my head and two dimensional vision, they have moved my deadline forward to Friday! This Friday, yikes that is the morning after tomorrow!! And I have only one eye and so much to do

Fortunately E is fine and the school does not think he needs to spend his time at home recovering anymore. Can I send anyone a sicknote? Do you think they'll care???

The report

Everything is conspiring against me making a success of this darn Customer Satisfaction Survey - first it was the clients who insisted on being an integral part of the fieldwork, who did not bring their side and caused the whole thing to run three weeks late. Now three weeks late when you are already on a tight schedule is no fun. Then the away trip for my other client came up the day after I got the results back from the CSS. Another week gone as I had to capture and analyse their results first - see, they pay per hour and if I invoice before the 13th of the month I still get it that month. Very important survival money, as my other client pays at the intervals throughout the project and the last payment will be at the end of the report. Which brought me right up to mom's party and the final arrangements for that, in the same week Phil and I had a couple of though days/nights and I missed another day. So, effectively I was left with ten days to do the analysis (of 400 odd variables, that must be recoded etc) and write a report that will go the Premier's Office, be published, and directly influence the pockets of about 3000 people working in local government.

No pressure girl, except that now Elrich is sick. I had to fetch him from school early on Monday, yesterday he stayed home with me. I am gonna send him to school this morning, but my heart is in two. The poor little guy has an awfull cough, at least the fleghm is white and his nose is not really runny. He is also eating fine and seems to play and run around a lot so it cannot be too serious, right?

The Party

Mom turns 60 on the 14th March and in celebration we gave her a party yesterday. Now this was no mean feat as I decided nothing less than a three course, sit down plated dinner will do - at a venue 200 odd km from my house. And as I am the only daughter, with a very disorganised and unsupportive elder brother it was kinda my problem to ensure a most memorable experience. Fortunately she has good friends and I could rope some of them in to help organise the tables, chairs and the decorations of the venue. Friday was spend with me rushing around all over town gathering all the most sumptuous fresh ingredients and packing it in such a way that it could be transported safely to Klerksdorp early Saturday morning.

The food was Mediterranean/ Italian with a bit of a SA flavour - a starter of Proscuitto et Melone and Kiwi fruit, Main course was the softest fillet marinated in rosemary, olive oil, balsamic vinegar and garlic gloves - grilled over an open wood fire, with Potato and Parmesan gratin and a side of sunripened Rosa tomatoes, basil and buffalo mozzarella balls. For desert there was chocolate mousse cake to die for and espresso, or herbal teas Yummmm Everything was beautiful and each dish complimented the other to make for a really well rounded beautiful dinner party.

I am not sure why I got the idea all the time that my mom thought I missed something, she said thank you a lot and complimented me, but there was a little bit of the spontaneity missing and I feel like I somehow failed her.

And while I am at it

I dont seem to get the SPSS file right in any case - this is now for the report I am late with already, I will just play some more and upload some family pictures that I developed at the same time as the wedding photos...

This is one of my favourite recent photos of Elrich, taken at the recent fishing/picnic trip. I am sure E will be forever mortified if he had to know he graced my blog in the nude, but I wouldnt tell if you don't.

On the right we have the wiremaker, this guy lives in absolute poverty in a informal settlement but handmakes the most neat diamont wires ever seen. The stones at the bottom provides tension to ensure even, square blocks. I keep on thinking about Schilpadsnest as a 'space of hope' not desolation. More so if you can live with such bold colours on your house. To me it seems more of a statement of energy and lifeforce, not poverty and depression.

hehee and another favourite - quality time

And at the very last, to the readers (if any) that dont know us, a little family portret. Phil took it with the remote function on our very nice if slightly outdated Pentax MZ7, my trusted companion and friend to most places I visit

The nightmare did not come true!!

So here are a couple of my absolute favourites. There are plenty really nice ones but these just have a special feel to them.

Professional photographer

Yip, as if I have not enough Sociology to do, I agreed to be a professional wedding photographer! I will admit, I have NEVER done anything like that ever in my life before!!! The 'evil deed' took place yesterday. I will only have time on Tuesday to hand the films in for development, so till then I must hold my breath and hope to die if the films does not come out. You know those cold sweaty palm nerves when you dream you are running around outside without your nickers?? Well I am kinda thinking, what if somewhat went wrong and the films are blank????

I only took 288 shots of the bride getting dressed, the ring ceremony, candles, family, the posed loving husband and absolutely gorgeous bride and then the after party. Luckily, I could hand the camera over to phil by then as I am just not confident enough to do steal photos at night indoors. Not my scene at all, unless it is just for personal enjoyment. Phil is very good with the camera, he just does not have a very good eye for composition. So, if the photos do come out - I will let you all have a little peek!

I must be honest though - I loved every minute of it!!!

Have we a Picasso in the family?

I absolutely love the expression on Elrich's face as he studies his amazing work of art. what he cannot go without when he gives himself over to his artistic urges, is the toilet paper. He has to keep his fingers clean at all times, even if the job is finger painting

Phases

This marriage rehabilitation thing is taking me through a lot of different phases. One of the things I learnt over December was to embrace all emotions. We so often only want to feel one or two emotions at best - happiness and a form of comfort. Well I did at least. I have learnt to feel and relish in anger, deep dark sorrow, dissapointment and hopelessness. I have also met 'who gives a fuck', ' I dont need that you' to 'please can this just all be over with now as I want my normal life back'.

Today in councelling I had a really good breakdown, not crying no, white hot teeth clenching rage - I could feel my eyes burning as I spat the words out. I voiced my anger, my disilusionment - I clearly stated that if phil is not prepared to come into contact with himself and actually face up to his own issues and past - then I am out of it. I will not carry on with this if I have to have the same relationship with him that what we had before. He is so emotionally cut - off from himself that he cannot even tell us what makes him feel loved, or not. Even though one of the things he screamed at me two months ago was that he just wanted a lover - so I ask 'what is a lover to you? what made you start a relationship with a woman that is permanently on happy pills? Who cannot even sleep at night for the stuff that haunts her dreams?

Some days all I can do is remind myself of the fact that the relationship is important to me, that emotions change over time and that I truly believe we can have a really amazing, love filled future together.

Insomnia

Over the last couple of nights, 3 o'clock in the morning would signal my wake up call. Angst and tension all coiled in my stomach. I need to get in touch with my own emotions as I am not hundred percent sure where this is coming from. My work load is a lot, but then my procastination tactics have also increased over the last couple of days.

Too scared to look inside, to rushed to sit down, and when will I make that phonecall? Today I think, not that I am convinced that it is the real cause of distress.

Fighting over toys

I have to confess, I buy toys for Elrich so I can play with them. Today I reached the height of immaturity. I fought with E over the possession of a toy.... I know. He is suppose to be the two year old and I am suppose to be the adult.

What the hell, I feel really shit. But oh boy that marble run is just the most amazing toy I have EVER seen. I entertained myself (I'll admit it) all afternoon with the darn thing and guess what? I even took it out of E's room just before bedtime so I can play some more when he is asleep.

Did I have a deprived childhood or what?!!

Rollercoaster week

I want to get offff!!! This carriage called my life is just moving way out of control.

Over the last week our friend has succeeded in killing himself, I went on a two day away research trip, dh and me had a honeymoon day/night and Elrich turned two!!. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

Ten days ago Tommie removed himself from this life as we know it, he was only found four days later. Not a pleasant experience for the cleaning up crew as it is mid summer here with temps in the 30C and a lot of humidity. We are still awaiting the autopsy to tell cause of death. I am not sure at all how I feel about this. I do believe it is every human's right to determine his own life and therefore death, but geeezz this guy was still so young and he had so much going for him. We will miss him dearly as he was a great friend and the best story teller I have ever met. There are a couple of Tommie songs on the radio that will always remind me of him, and the more I hear them the less I understand his ultimate decision.

The research trip was an eye opener and reminder as to how much I have to be thankfull for. We went to a mine and informal settlement in the Limpopo region. The informal settlement has no municipal services at all. About 10 000 people live in extreme poverty in a boiling bowl of dust. No real roads, mud and tin houses, goats chickens and children running in tracks. Beautifull smiling faces and hand made diamant wire mesh. I took some photos and cannot wait to develop said film. I learn so much as I meet these incredible places of hope.

My parents came up for a business meeting and looked after young e all of Saturday, until Sunday morning. Phil an me just took to the road early Saturday morning and eventually ended at a little game lodge an hours drive from home. We slept in a luxury tent, on stilts at a watering hole. Ate dinner like celebs and woke to the crunching munching sounds of Impala and Kudu. This will have to be repeated on a regular basis - what a spoil and much needed rest.

E's birthday and the memorial service coincided - needless to say, we held the party and it was wonderfull. My little boy was a typical two year old and would not share with a soul. Luckily there were way more adults than kids, so fun was had by all.

So now - off to university for the second class of the year and hopefully the students will be as well prepared and enthusiastic as the first time round!!

The first lecture

Last night was amazing!! I must admit I did not have high expectations of these youngsters at all, so what a suprise when the session turned into a serious debate and I had to work hard at keeping them within timeframes. This is way better than trying to pull hens teeth out of a bunch of unprepared uninterested yawning kids.

We had excellent discussions around what is work/ or not, employment, labour and the right to it, and how that all relates to society and what we have come to accept as normal. Marx, Durkheim and Weber were passionately compared and argued for. Since the class was international (some students from North Africa) diverse accents, opinions and experiences peppered the discussions.

'Fish'

is Elrich's newest word, that and 'stoppit!!!'

Yesterday we went on a spur of the moment fishing/picnic trip. Something we have not done in a lonnng time. We even had to scout the new place out as I suggested the dam on recommendation of a collegue. I was, however, not exactly sure where this place was. We found it easily enough and not far from home at all.

The only movement in the water was the rowing club and tiny little carps. Phil made it a matter of honour to catch them on his homemade fly immitation, just to prove his prowess as a hunter and provider. Not that we kept them, they were duly shown to E - to his delight - and then promptly released back into the water.