A conversation in my car

So on our way to school this morning E piped up from the back

Mom, look, I am strong and I am going to break these strap me ins (the shoulder straps for his carseat) open like dis - and the hands enthusiastically illustrates the much desired feat. I revert with, so are you superman then?

NOOOOOOO MOMMA, he screams at me, I am NOT superman, I am ELRICH...the superheros are not here, it is me. The superheros are only in the stories on the tv, they are not people.

To which I listen in absolute amazement......no fantasy, just the hard reality of superman that are not here and not real. I am sure it must be a conversation they often have in school.

Which reminds me of a little tale his one teacher told me the other day. She has purposefully been mispronouncing his name in school, apparently he gets really upset with anybody that mispronounces his name (tell me about it) and he became the butt of jokes as the marjority of the children are English first language and they cannot pronounce the Elrich properly. He also refused to join the children if they called all the boys to do stuff as he is not a boy, he is Elrich and will only respond to his name. Really stubborn little thing, apparently it is starting to get a little bit better now and he does not react to all the teasing as much either.

Circles circling in and out

I booked today to go to Sodwana for the weekend to dive

It left me so very teary and sad.
Aniversaries I believe will be difficult

Two years since he left
One year since we went diving together for the first time again
Now

I am going on a dinner date tonight
maybe it will cheer me up somewhat

In denial

I think Phil is in denial about this whole divorce thing

I went to his house to drop E off for the weekend and it was raining and E was sleeping so it was a bit of a mad dash to get him out of the car and his bags and the gate (electric fencing and locks and all the trappings of SA life) So when he was eventually in his dad's arms and they had all his toys and bags I ran after them to give E a little good bye kiss, and Phil turned his face for a kiss as well. I just looked at him and could see he was embaressed, you know, that feeling when you do something out of habit that you did not think about?

It was ok then, but on the way home I could not see the road for all the tears...

A kid with two homes

The main reason why I went through the trauma of marriage counseling and trying to reconcile my marriage last year was because I did not want Elrich to grow up as the child of divorced parents. I now realise I did it more for myself than for him.

He is a very happy little boy, that clearly understands that he lives in 'our house' and goes to visit his daddy at 'his house'. He now gets to see his dad a lot more than he did previously, and Phil is taking an interest in his son and making a real effort to spend quality time with him. In the beginning E would not talk about his dad at all, but now we have long conversations about everything they do and how much fun they had together and I really encourage him to talk about daddy and how much they love each other. He often brags about 'my daddy did this or the other' and I can see that he enjoys the time spend at his dad's place.

This weekend past a long standing friend of ours had a birthday party for his little two year daughter and we were both invited. So we went and it was ok, we were there as friends and supported each other as parents when E needed it. We could even chat a bit and there were no obvious tension or anxiety. I must be honest though, it really tired me out and I was emotionally exhausted by the time I left for home.

Over the previous six/seven months I have worked really hard to face and deal with my emotions, my hurt, anger, disappointment and to let go of the past. To build new dreams of a future for my little family and I think that I have made some progress in creating an environment were E will not grow up as ‘the child of a broken home' but rather as ‘the child of two loving parents'.

Elrich'isms

Little things my boy has said lately:

As I tucked him into bed last night
'Mommy, I just looove you too much'

I did not want to give him sweets for breakfast
'I am NOT your best friend anymore!'

Just before we left for school
'Mommy, look at my muscles, I am sooo strwong' as he pranced and posed around the cottage for me to admire

In the bath last night
'Come see mom, I am blowing bubbles' In I walk to notice with shock and horror that I did not learn my lesson and he has (again) emptied my Clarins face wash in the bath...yikes another R200 down the drain.

He loves his new bakkie (pick up truck) and wants to drive it everywhere, so much so that we had a serious tantrum this morning on the way to school as he just could not understand why he could not 'drive with me in the traffic' So after he eventually stopped screaming, this little voice pipes up from the back 'Mom, please I need to wash my face and blow my nose' Fortunately I had some tissues handy for him.

He just has this way of going between a big boy and a spoiled kid in seconds!!

From Prejudice to Admiration

So I had Fun with a BIG F last night - the women I met there were warm real people with big bodies, little bodies, toned ones and fat ones, but they were all smiling, clinching those buns and pushing up with those hips. It was an hour floor work out that killed me and I left with legs that could hardly walk.

I loved it - I felt that cameraderie between women I remember feeling when E was a newborn and i was in a baby massage class with a bunch of other newborn moms

It was not about seduction at all, but I can imagine that the confidence those women have in their beautiful, perfect bodies, rubs off everywhere.

I will practice to 'touch the corners of a square with my hips' until I can do it with that beautiful fluent movement that rolled through the class last night.

Into the Lion's Den

I have always been a tom boy, from little it was shorts, T-shirts and dirty skinny legs running around like a mad thing with a bunch of little boys. I could climb higher, ride faster and hit harder than most of the ‘other’ little boys. So much so that a life long friend – and we are still best buddies, once looked at me when I was about 13 and exclaimed in utter befuddlement ‘But you are a girl!!’ After I have known him for 12 years and had pony tails for about six of those ;-)

So I have to admit, I have always felt a little bit out of place in the presence of a bundle of girls, talking about girlie stuff. I don’t have anything pink – well I lie, there is a tiny little pink bow on a pair of black lace knickers in my cupboard. I have sensible short nails without any varnish, drive a pick up truck and cannot for the life of me walk on high heels. I have never curled my pinky, can’t flutter my eyelashes (not for want of trying) and in general will not pull it of as a pussycat doll, Barbie, or playboy bunny………

So, tonight I am joining a sensual dancing class, with a bunch of girlie girls, learning all about that secret art of being absolutely feminine, at home in your delectably tantalizing female body. It is for women only and the end goal is to help us poor sods that swagger in stead of strut to learn the finer arts of you know…….seduction?

Deep Fried Fly

I decided to treat myself to a herbal tea and candle light bath, with bubbles and all kinds of smellies to sooth the skin and soul. See it has been a bit rough around here with work pressure, the divorce and Phil being the absolutely sweetest person this side of the equator.

A big bottle green fly is buzzzing about, buzzing about
I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound
Then the sizzle
I watch the macabre dance
a charslton I think
In clear hot wax
Then the silence

I can relax again

Sighting out a Site

I had to be up at shortly after four am....the cockerel at my new place made sure I did not miss the alarm clock and I was all dressed and ready to roll by 5:30. Had to meet the project manager at their head offices in Centurion at 6:00 sharp to make sure we make our meeting with the very very important director of Local Economic Development at 10:00.

Yes it is a loooong drive and we stopped three times, for coffee, a pee and the special biltong stop shortly before our destination. At the meeting we were informed that the other two very important people we had to meet could not make it - this is the reason why we drove all the way. To meet the relevant ward councilor and the contact person for the local chamber of small business. The one had to take their car in for a service and the other is simply not available - I am gently stroking my leg to calm myself down with my colleague wanting to burst into hysterical laughter. I am reminding myself that this is Africa and everything works on a different time scale, even if I did phone the previous day to confirm that the meeting was still on schedule. So we left to sight some core boreholes instead and decided that we would just continue to try and get hold of the ward councilor all day long as I really need to see the projects to decide where to from here.

Our patience paid of and shortly before three that afternoon we eventually got hold of her, she directed us to the traditional authorities (now why the municipality could not do that is a mystery) and we were enthusiastically escorted to a poultry and piggery project

Where we traipsed ankle deep through mud and pigshit to listen in amazement to the interpreter telling us that the products are actually sold wholesale to commercial operations, something like 190 chickens and 8 pigs in the previous month. We decided that our feasibility studies should include some research into the viability of opening a local branch of Health and Fitness

Settled in

Yesterday I got to test the bakkie, she did wonders and we moved my cottage in less than three hours. Help was had in the form of a huge 1.5 ton double axle trailer, Stephan, Johan and his little girlfriend. Beautiful to see young blossoming love like that........and the eye-candy was good as well, so was the company ;-)

My new place is gorgeous, two comfortably sized bedrooms, open plan living area and a huge serviced garden. Yeah for serviced gardens!!!

E has not seen his new home yet as he has been with Phil all weekend, spending time at friends of ours....mmmm a bit of an odd feeling to not be there as well, but best I get used to it.

I am pleased, I have lots of ideas for this little home, ways to make it mine. I never felt that at the previous place. Not sure if it is the different set-up or maybe I have just moved on a little bit emotionally? Suppose the big commitment was made in buying the car, I might just as well go all the way and settledown into my own little place as well......

New Wheels!

So after my little car has faithfully slaved away for me for 225 000 odd km over 9 years, she got send on to a new home today. The guy promised he will find her a nice family where she can snugly sleep in the garage every night.

My new wheels is an enormous double cab diesel bakkie - it juggernauts through traffic and even the minibus taxis make way for us. I feel very much in control, even though I probably look like a tick on a dog ;) After many agonising hours of deliberation and consultation this was the car I identified as the best obtion for me both financially and for my lifestyle. Even though it is a serious work horse, it has all the trimmings - a white and silver exterior with black leather upholstery, mp3/cd player, navigation system, adjustable seats and steering wheel, aircon - the list is endless and all explained in a rather thick manual.

The funniest thing of all is the sparewheel though, it is like a military operation to launch that thing from under her underbelly, with all kinds of lock and pulley systems. The salesman was a real sport though as we both spend the better half of an hour lying under her belly with him explaining to me what goes where to get this tyre out, fascinating stuff.

What I will have to get used to though is the fact that this bakkie is a he to begin with and definately not as sparky as my little girl - more like a real german warmblood.

Sweating it OUT

I have been getting more and more edgy lately. Edgy and tired, cotton wool headed. I have walked, and have talked, pondered, cleaned, cried, slept and nothing helped. My insides were itching

So I found a little gym, just around the corner from where I stay. I thought the place was bankrupt, but alas the liquidators are running it on a month to month basis. Perfect - I can cope with a one month, no strings attached commitment. So I bought a pass.

It worked, I sweated it out on the elliptical walker and then in the steam room. The poison was pouring down my body, leaving me clean, refreshed and clear headed. The first time in weeks

I think I will go and do the circuit tomorrow!

A Phone Call

and it is MSV that murmurs in my ear.....oh my word, I cannot believe what this guy's voice does to me. Even though I have met him and he does not look like his voice at all.

I think I do not need to see him really, ever, he must just phone me every now and again and whisper in my ear. It is an instant hormone flush!!

He wants me to come and visit him. Claims that his couch is really missing me not sleeping on it all weekend ;). It was fun, I might just do that. He really knows how to treat a woman like a princess.

Who? ME.....

Tomorrow I will be 35 years old
Sometimes I still feel like a little girl

This week has seen me
broken down
into
tiny
little
pieces

A hungry embrace
the man I once loved
A signature on a page
Tears for my freedom

I so want to make me a home
memories for my stories
laughter for my son

my numbers say that
I will search and search
a soulmate to be found
One have died
the other lost
it is to be left
well alone

Back to Basics

I have been bothered by the dating site and what felt to me my inability to manage the interactions there with integrity. I think it is in the very nature of the medium, people expect that you can communicate via the net for a couple of emails, share some photos - meet for coffee/drinks/lunch and then you either madly in love or you do not speak again.

I enjoyed the conversations with different people and had a lot of laughs at odd hours of the day and night as I did not take it seriously and just enjoyed the feeling of having company at your 'finger tips' But meeting the people and reading the desperate desire for acceptance in their eyes, every single time, freaked me out. These people are emotionally just too needy, and I am in no place to help them or share some of myself with them. It upset me so much that I deleted my profile from the site. I really feel at peace. I think I draw other people's emotions into myself too much. I did however share my email address with a couple of people i have talked to often and who's company I have really enjoyed. Hopefully we could become friends over time and have some fun together. I am meeting one guy next week, he seems to be looking for similar things as I am and he is a big outdoor fan. We are having dinner at my favourite little joint and then he leaves to walk the whale trail down in the Eastern Cape for a week.

So let's see what the future hold

With E, I am not sure how much he was affected by the Joey scenario. We have often spoken about saying no and telling mommy, but he did not come and tell me about this. I have been really carefull to not make him feel like he did anything wrong as well as getting the right message home. In the mean time he is spending weekends at his dad and will remain to do so until we have moved to a new place. During the week I will just make sure that we get home from school too late to play outside. I have told him though that he cannot play with Joey anymore as Joey does not play nicely.

All Of Our Children

I have had to learn the hardest lesson of them all this past week

As mentioned, often, we live on a lovely small holding with lots of space and friend called Joey. A couple of weeks ago I found the two little boys investigating each others penises, did not think too much about it as I would imagine it is part of growing up and they are similar in age, yes??

A week ago, just before we left for a weeks holiday, E comes running into the house, soaking wet and hysterical. When I asked him what happened he told me that Joey peed on him, so I investigated, spoke to the mom, the kid the psychologist and this is not normal. So we went on our little break.

The first day we get back, E runs to play with long lost Joey, and I watch them. Not long before they leave the scooters and disappear behind the house. So I checked up, only to find Joey kneeling in front of E with E's penis cupped in his hand. At this stage I can only let out a sigh

The end of the story is that we (the landlady and I) have organised for Joey to get councelling with his parents as he is just too young to come up with these things all by himself.

For me, the anger, sadness and dissappointment will linger for long, my baby has been violated by friend not much older than him (too young even to be molestation by definition). We have to move, E cannot play with Joey again, ever.

innocense on an alter
a child saved
I hope
A mother's tears
a reaching hand
we have to share
not condemn

Liquirice Allsorts

Who would have known how interesting and engaging a dating site could be? I have of late met a shy cabinet minister, an outgoing guy who travelled with Kingsley Holgate, a well to do pilot and entrepeneur, and a bullshitter baffles brains smooth talker.

It is amazing - the sociologist in me is totally entrigued. If I can only figure out how to interact with integrity with everyone. Thing is, I would love to meet all of them and talk to them, get to know them and understand what makes them tick. But I really do not want relationships and I am not gonna repeat the hot romance thing either. It is just emotionally too much for me at this stage ;-)

I am just looking at the bed

Today we had a huge altercation in the house. E was screaming and whining for milk and juice and attention so I told him that if he does not stop his screaming and start asking nicely he will go to his room for time out. His response was to look me straight in the eye and spit. Well, needless to say he was send to his room, where he refused to sit on his chair, continued to scream at me and when I left him in the room and closed the door he started banging on it, then opened the door to bang it behind him. I repeatedly took him back, telling him that if he wants me to listen to him he will have to sit on his chair first and apologise for his bad attitude, after the second time, I send his friend home.

This went on for what felt like forever, until I drew the curtains, switched the lights off, locked the door and left him in there until he stopped screaming and started calling for me. At which stage I was talking to him standing on a chair looking through the little window thing at the top of the door (Through which I would have to crawl to unlock the door as it is locked from the inside ;-))

A truce was reached an hour and a half later, when he agreed to sit on his chair and apologise for his bad attitude. So I crawled through the hole, precariously balancing on the door handle to wriggle my body through this tiny space, hang down the other side, feet in the air, unlock and open the door without landing on my head ;-). E went to sit on his chair, but turns his body away from me, when I asked him what he is doing, he flutters his eyelids and tells me 'I am just looking at my bed, first and then I will say sorry'

So I had a loud coughing fit of laughter with a very concerned little boy patting me on my back and telling me that 'that is enough coughing now, mommy, look at me' to which I doubled up in another serious fit. When I regained my composure I asked him if he wanted to say something to me. He gave me his most beguiling smile, flashed his eyelids, crawled onto my lap and curled up against me and whispered ' I am sorry mommy I screamed at you, and I am sorry I spit at you, I will not do it again...now please can I have my milk and go soek Joey?'

My head is broken

We live on a small holding with lots of space, trees, outdoor playsets and best of all a friend called Joey. Needless to say, I do not see much of my little man over the weekends as all he wants to do is 'soek Joey, mommy'

As I was trying to catch up on my inbox the other day, I heard E crying in a way that I could tell he was really sore. When I got to him and asked what was wrong he told me that his 'head was broken' and on closer inspection, I noticed a nice golf ball sized ouwie just above his eyebrow. Apparantly they were trying to wheelie their scooters in the driveway and E overbalanced.....Maybe I should really invest in serious protective gear for this kid!

Posting for Posterity

for better or worse, some things has to be said

In one of the painfull discussions Phil and I had after the affair three years ago, he told me that the affair was all my fault, because he said, I do not like sex. Now, that was the first I every heard of that, and I have for a long time tried to understand that, and make up for it in some way as I kinda thought I did like sex one, and two, that I was not too bad in bed. See I have very few inhibitions and am not shy about my body at all. But when all was said and done I was left feeling like an unattractive, unsexy woman that had absolutely nothing going in that department.

So fast foward to the dating site, the mocambique dinner (where the date thought I was steaming hot and he confused me no end) , and life after that. I meet this really nice guy, also through the site and I think to myself that I have to approach this differently, as I would just hate to have to make another phonecall and apologise again.......lol, that is a story for another day as I simply am too embaressed to talk about it.

So I told him from the first word we exhange that I really am looking for a friend, somebody to hang out with, have fun with, no strings or commitments and I am going to do the same with other nice boys as well. And I would like for him to have the same approach. Well for some reason, blow me over I am not sure why, this is guy is absolutely smitten with me. Now this makes things really difficult as I feel responsible and I would hate to disappoint and the list is endless. Anyway I agree for us to go out to dinner and dancing, as this was the whole point of meeting. It is all fun and he is a gentleman of note and I love every second. A couple of dates later, this week past I am still recovering from my BLUE MONDAY and he wants to see me, so I say, why dont you bring wine and we cook some dinner and just relax at my place - e is sleeping with dad, so an evening of easy conversation with a mature guy would be fun and I did not feel like dressing up in anycase. I did not have to see any clients all day so was in jeans and sneakers with my hair in a pony tail, thinking that could not possibly be attractive to anybody.

Well we cooked dinner together, had some good wine, ate, chatted and I got up to make some coffee and call it a night. He comes with me, kisses my neck talks to me, I cry, back off tell him that I am not sure about this, he gathers me up in his arms and talks to me about trauma, dissapointment, heart ache and whatever else. As I said, the poor man is smitten, the end of the story is a very hot long night of passion...it was amazing. It confirmed what I suspected all along, that I am not an ice queen, that I do actually enjoy intimacy, that my body can be celebrated if it is done so with respect and honesty.

Only problem is, I really am not ready for a relationship and this poor man would marry me tomorrow........