Parenting in the 'after' life

Parenting in itself is a challenge. It becomes a grueling test of emotional endurance when it is done from two separate homes. More so if the parents are respectful to one another and their child. The continuous confrontation with the failure of your marriage taking centre stage as you struggle together to decide the best way forward for your child. The child that is the fruit of a passion and a future once shared. It is hard severing those ties that bind; it is hard to walk separate roads together.

Together we sat this morning at the child psychologist, listening to her and one another as we discussed our experiences with Elrich. A kid that goes from an independent, confident thinker to an anxious vulnerable little boy in less time than it takes you to say his name. We will start with play therapy on Monday, for four weeks, after which we will have a feedback and way forward session. In the mean time we just acknowledge his emotions, journal his behavior and continue to love and support him in our own special ways.

Dinner table chatter

So amidst the 'just have two more spoonfulls then you can get some ice cream' talks around dinner tonight
E looks at my shyly and says
'Mom, Lesedi's going to kiss me tomorrow'
Oh, I said, who is Lesedi?
She is a gel mom !!
Where will she kiss you, I ask
On the grass mom - getting exasperated with this silly mother
Yes, but where will she kiss you, I ask again
He whispers - on the lips, mom

Careful what you wish for

You might just get it when you least expect it, and don't feel ready for it.

This is a very common scene in my little cottage these days. My two brats racing with 'Lightning McQueen' with their caps turned backwards so they can be more aerodynamic ;-P. The two boys are crazy about one another and I cannot speak to John on the phone without giving E at least five minutes of airtime as well.

Being looked after

For the first time in my life, I am being cared for. On a level I have never experienced or understood as an adult woman. Sometimes it is a little clausterphobic, but for the most part, it has made me realise how empty my life has been up to now. It has also taught me a little bit about caring for others.

The wisdom of our own souls

So yesterday I got to put all my beautiful memories
in a box for safekeeping
I thanked Phil's soul for giving me those memories
I forgave him for the lies, deceit and hurt that followed
then I released him to fulfill his destiny

For me, I needed forgiveness for submitting to his shit for so long
honor for trying to keep a family together
and release to grow into the person I am destined to be

aaah the peace I feel today.

No Winners in this One

Yayy we are going swimming is what E was singing all the way to the pool yesterday. Until we had to put his costume on and he told me he does not want to swim. I thought he was just being silly so I said to him he has to swim as we are here at the pool. Nope, he says. Ok, I said..lets go home (my first tactical mistake) as he normally changes his opinion the moment I give in to his silly demands. So I left, with him screaming after me, no mom don’t go, don’t go! So I picked him up to take him back into the change room to change him, just to have a screaming kicking tantrum. I admit, I lost my cool and just changed him, and then I walked out the door. With E running after and screaming at the top of his voice, so I keep walking and walking (a room full of children staring at us horrified at the transformation), E catches up just as I am about to go down the stairs, and i just keep walking, so he falls down, bouncing and bumping on his legs and bum. At the bottom I notice the little kid is naked.

So I sat down, picked him into my lap and we cuddled for a bit. I put his costume back on and told him that it is ok, no swimming but we will watch the children swim with him sitting in my lap. That was ok, for a second or two, until he started whining to put his clothes on. I told him that if he wants his clothes on that is fine but he must dress himself. That was cause for another tantrum as I must do it. A task he has happily been doing himself for more than a year. I said no way, you do it yourself. Another bout of whining, tantrums, screams. So I picked him up, and walked out of there. We are going home, to which he screamed, no momma I don’t want to go home, I want to sit on your lap and watch the children!!

You have two changes buddy and they are both gone, so I strapped him in his car seat, and went home, all the while listening to him screaming, begging shouting and tantrumming that he wants to go back to the pool to watch the children. I just put the radio on louder and louder, him screaming louder and louder. It is peak traffic, with taxis, hooters and cars everywhere. We are in a crazy screaming time capsule with the radio blearing.

When i got home I unlocked the house before I went to undo E's car seat. That done I wanted to pick him up and he would not come to me. So I just left him in the car as he is big enough to get out by himself. Another screaming tantrum with me walking into the house. Where I sat down on my new chair e running in screaming grabbing my arm and telling me to go back to the car as he wants to get in his car seat so I can pick him up. No way, not a chance I tell him. I am tired and I am home, if he wants to he can sit on my lap and I will hold him as much as he wants but I am NOT going back to the car so he can get in his car seat so I can pick him up.

Ten minutes later and he decides that he now wants to get dressed, I said fine get dressed. No mom, you must help me - so I did. As I am helping him to put his pants on, he looks at me from under those eyelashes with the most mischievous little look you can imagine. I start laughing, he starts giggling then laughing. Telling me, but mom it was all just a joke, it was just a joke. An hour and half of screaming and tantrums, in front of lots of people and he tells me it was just a joke?? I picked him up, hugged him. Told him I was so sorry I lost my cool at the pool and let him fall down the stairs. He told me he was sorry he screamed, and we both agreed we love each other very very much. So then when we cooked dinner together, had some fruit salad, played some board games, bathed, more board games and tucked into bed.

Cutting the ties that bind

One of my coping strategies last year was to imagine my emotional ties to Phil cut off, fluttering in the wind. Red ribbons just fluttering in the wind. I always had his face in mind when I did this. I do not feel any attachments to Phil and to tell the truth, I do not like him very much. I could not understand why I could not let go of him, why I was so stuck between moving forward and not letting go of the past.

During my therapy session on Friday the psychotherapist asked me to 'see' Phil. The man my subconscious called up was Phil, not as he looks now, but the young man I married. It was the hardest thing I have had to do, pushing that young man away, far and away until he disappeared into nothingness.

The vastness of Africa

One of my clients has an operation in the Richtersveld, a semi desert area in the south western side of SA, we flew in on a chartered plane, to land in a fenced area. The only difference between the landing strip and the surrounding desert, were the fence

That bit of dust in the centre of the photo is the plane landing which came to fetch us.
The local school - yes that little building in the middle of the photo. I took the photo like this, really to show that there is nothing remotely close to the little school, apart from sand and more sand
A little informal settlement on the outskirts of the local town. Even in an area with a population of just over a thousand people, 30% of the houses were informal.

Unfortunately I did not take my camera with as i just did not have space, so all these photos were taken with my cellphone. I really have to get a good quality small digital camera as I am still in the age of film.

I am a big boy mom!

Yesterday I had to kiss him goodbye in the car
He got out, put his schoolbag on his back
and walked himself to his classroom
I stood in the carpark with tears in my eyes
He did look back just before he was out of sight
saw me, and gave a little wave
then turned around and entered the empty doorway

Last night we went to our favorite family restaurant
on the way there he asked if he could phone Oupat
I gave him the phone with the number ready and he dialed
to invite his Oupat to please join him, mom and John for dinner because he misses him

Two extremes in one week

On Tuesday the teachers had to peel E of my body, crying and begging to come home with me.

This morning he put his schoolbag on his back, and promptly told me in the car park that I am not allowed to walk him into school. As I could never do that I told him I want to talk to the school secretary (is it bad to lie to your kid?) and walked him to his classroom. He got really irritated, and told me to 'go now mom, go talk to Sandy' I begged for a good bye kiss but only got a nonchalant little wave as he sauntered to his friends.

E as a four year old

Who is this little man that lives in the house with me? That is so serious, but such a clown. That loves pranks and bedecks me with jewelry, brings me flowers and kisses and tells me at least five times a day how much he loves me.

He is a popular little kid in school and definately a cool dude with his tatoo (stick on) and his cut out t-shirts, airoplanes and wild jungle gym tricks. His best mate's name is Keabetsi, who wears a baseball cap backwards, bright green dark glasses and just turned five. Between the two of them they rule the roost in school. His teachers adores him, often comments that he is smarter than he lets on and am amazed at how abstract his thinking patterns are.

The most difficult thing in life for him is to say please. He understands that it is a necessary evil whenever he wants something but would prefer to demand to get what he wants. It never works, not with me. A project manager of note that is often instructing everyone on how they must do everything. And of his 'other' grand mother he says 'She must learn my ways' I can see that they might clash - I have never warmed up to her either. It is funny to me that that set of grandparents think he is cheeky and my parents think he is just intelligent. Needless to say, he gets on a lot easier with my parents.

He has a very clear understanding of concepts such as death, money, going away and working to earn a living. I have never really discussed death with him ever, but he often talks about it. He does not leave the house without his wallet and constantly raids mine to transfer the loot to his. He is starting to understand that different coins and denominations has different values and will ask what the price of something is so he can see if he has enough money to buy it.

His favourite toys are airoplanes, balls and anything to do with water. Matchbox cars are very difficult to pass by in a toy isle and if only I could find a proper spaceship, that would be the ultimate toy. He got some cash for his birthday and I took him to the toyshop on Monday - I was surprised at how easy he understood when a toy was too expensive to buy and how he knew exactly what he wanted and settled on something so easily for the exact amount that he had in hand.

I am still amazed at how much he has grown in such a short time

Getting all kitted out!

So last year one of the things I decided we (E and me) will be doing a lot of this year is spending time outdoor. Buying the 4x4 was the first step in that direction, then followed my membership in a well organised family orientated 4x4 club, a couple of 4x4 days learning how to drive my vehicle and this coming weekend it is a camping trip! I do admit that it is a rather tame trip in comparison to what these guys get up to. There are shops, electricity, a swimming pool and hiking trails. No self support six day mission through treacherous African terrain with only radio contact. That is for later, when we are a bit more experienced and confident. But for now, I had to start somewhere, and that was with buying a tent, and a couple of basic supplies. But I pitched the tent in our front garden today, with only the help of E and a lot of patience - this, I think will be a lot of fun!

Reflecting Truth

When I looked in the mirror
what I saw
was an old tired beggar woman
haggard from exposure to the elements

The state of my emotional self
the residue of years of begging for
love
attention
acceptance
Not feeling quite good enough
ever

Interesting, we had a good discussion around that
I think I have made just a little progress today

Memories of our first year

Searching through old files and trying to remember what last year was like I found these really fun pictures. Taken throughout last year, by either me or E, capturing us in our crazier moments, telling a story of a family, of love, adoring grand parents and new experiences!

Its my Party and I'll Slide if I want to

So my little guy is just about to turn four years old. I decided to host his party this weekend past, because my parents are here, it is just before his actual birthdate and we are going camping next weekend.

After some soul searching and deliberation, I decided to host it at my place, to invite his dad, his dad's family, joint friends of ours and my family. All the people that would have been there if we did not get a divorce last year. Now whether that is me holding onto the past or me wanting my kid to have all the significant others at his birthday, I am not sure. But the end result was a wonderful party, everyone from the youngest child to the oldest adult had a lot of fun and the guests were here from 11 in the morning until nearly eight that night.

It left me in a shocking emotional state - I am so stuck in the middle between not being able to move on and not going back, it is not even funny. But that is a whole new post. I am starting counceling again tomorrow.

The waterslide was such a hit, far more succesful than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams and everyone had a load of bubbly fun on the thing! Look at my little olive skinned boy, his colouring sure takes after daddy's family
I ordered E a Spiderman Ice Cream Cake, but the lady made a mistake with the delivery date, so plan B was an absolutely delicious Tiramisu Cake! Oh well at least he could blow out candles and I could give the people some cake to eat!


All the little ones eagerly awaiting the cake to be cut!

With love from Elrich

We made this valentines card to give to Oupats and Ouma, I drew the heart which he then decorated. He told me what he wanted to write on the card and I showed him the letters which he then copied onto the card. It was such so much fun, even if I am still finding red glitter everywhere!

Message from a Friend

Don't allow sentimentality to hold your emotions hostage

O my, how profound is that? It so hit the nail on the head. And now I understand the weird emotional space I have been in lately. The more fun I am having with John, the more I am missing Phil. Weird, yes? I think it is not too different from the stage I went through just after Nè Dean died, where I could not do any of the things we used to do together. Holding onto the past, a past that was forever gone.

When I actioned the divorce I did it because I believed that my marriage was dead, beyond resurrection. I still believe that, so it is the same as if he died. There is no going back, it simply is not an option. All I have to do, is to let go of the past, and embrace my future.

Making Racing Cars

This is much more fun than working at 6 am, especially if you were working non stop till ten the previous night ;-)

you need:
Boudoir biscuits, one for each car
Four jellie tots for the wheels
and a little sticky icing sugar

Then just stick wheels to cars and of you race - fastests fingers first!

But seriously this is a lovely way to entertain the little ones for a half hour or so

In a Minute

Did I ever complain that I did not have enough work to do? It has been crazy around here the last two weeks and it is E's birthday party on Saturday. Fun, I am having it at my place, I have not even bought him a present as I am working till eleven every night. And yes, I will spend all of Friday at a client in Cape Town. For the uniniated, that is a two hour flight away from home.

Lets rather make racing cars

A night on the town

So on Friday night John fetched me in his canary yellow little sports car
we put the roof down and whisked down the highway with hair flying, music blaring and hands in the air
to go to dinner first
and then to The Doors
Yes, an alternative hard rock club
Where I got caught up in the music (and I think the thick smell of ganja)
and head banged the night away
It was FUN even if my neck is still killing me