Just for Fun: A personality Test

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

Crawling my way out

So yesterday was another first
Wedding (non)anniversary
I was so depressed
I missed him so much
Why do I still want us to be together?

I know it will never work
I will be isolated
emotionally dead
but still

Today I rode two horses
tonight I am going for a dinner date
tomorrow I will celebrate summer

I can only go forward

I think I am stuck at Chapter 2

There's a hole in my sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost...I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street

A little rest and romance

Malaysia was beautiful, restful and......sad. I missed my family, all of it, so much. I kept on thinking how much fun the three of us would have had if we were all together. But it was not to be.

Instead I slept a lot, started each day with Yoga on the beach, then fruits for breakfast. Lying around at the pool, walking on the beach, drinking cocktails on the loungers, going for Balinese massages and yes......hooking up with a beautiful man from Tunisia. We had a bit of a language barrier as his is French but I did find out that sometimes words are over rated.

All in all a very fine holiday indeed

A conversation in my car

So on our way to school this morning E piped up from the back

Mom, look, I am strong and I am going to break these strap me ins (the shoulder straps for his carseat) open like dis - and the hands enthusiastically illustrates the much desired feat. I revert with, so are you superman then?

NOOOOOOO MOMMA, he screams at me, I am NOT superman, I am ELRICH...the superheros are not here, it is me. The superheros are only in the stories on the tv, they are not people.

To which I listen in absolute amazement......no fantasy, just the hard reality of superman that are not here and not real. I am sure it must be a conversation they often have in school.

Which reminds me of a little tale his one teacher told me the other day. She has purposefully been mispronouncing his name in school, apparently he gets really upset with anybody that mispronounces his name (tell me about it) and he became the butt of jokes as the marjority of the children are English first language and they cannot pronounce the Elrich properly. He also refused to join the children if they called all the boys to do stuff as he is not a boy, he is Elrich and will only respond to his name. Really stubborn little thing, apparently it is starting to get a little bit better now and he does not react to all the teasing as much either.

Circles circling in and out

I booked today to go to Sodwana for the weekend to dive

It left me so very teary and sad.
Aniversaries I believe will be difficult

Two years since he left
One year since we went diving together for the first time again
Now

I am going on a dinner date tonight
maybe it will cheer me up somewhat

In denial

I think Phil is in denial about this whole divorce thing

I went to his house to drop E off for the weekend and it was raining and E was sleeping so it was a bit of a mad dash to get him out of the car and his bags and the gate (electric fencing and locks and all the trappings of SA life) So when he was eventually in his dad's arms and they had all his toys and bags I ran after them to give E a little good bye kiss, and Phil turned his face for a kiss as well. I just looked at him and could see he was embaressed, you know, that feeling when you do something out of habit that you did not think about?

It was ok then, but on the way home I could not see the road for all the tears...

A kid with two homes

The main reason why I went through the trauma of marriage counseling and trying to reconcile my marriage last year was because I did not want Elrich to grow up as the child of divorced parents. I now realise I did it more for myself than for him.

He is a very happy little boy, that clearly understands that he lives in 'our house' and goes to visit his daddy at 'his house'. He now gets to see his dad a lot more than he did previously, and Phil is taking an interest in his son and making a real effort to spend quality time with him. In the beginning E would not talk about his dad at all, but now we have long conversations about everything they do and how much fun they had together and I really encourage him to talk about daddy and how much they love each other. He often brags about 'my daddy did this or the other' and I can see that he enjoys the time spend at his dad's place.

This weekend past a long standing friend of ours had a birthday party for his little two year daughter and we were both invited. So we went and it was ok, we were there as friends and supported each other as parents when E needed it. We could even chat a bit and there were no obvious tension or anxiety. I must be honest though, it really tired me out and I was emotionally exhausted by the time I left for home.

Over the previous six/seven months I have worked really hard to face and deal with my emotions, my hurt, anger, disappointment and to let go of the past. To build new dreams of a future for my little family and I think that I have made some progress in creating an environment were E will not grow up as ‘the child of a broken home' but rather as ‘the child of two loving parents'.

Elrich'isms

Little things my boy has said lately:

As I tucked him into bed last night
'Mommy, I just looove you too much'

I did not want to give him sweets for breakfast
'I am NOT your best friend anymore!'

Just before we left for school
'Mommy, look at my muscles, I am sooo strwong' as he pranced and posed around the cottage for me to admire

In the bath last night
'Come see mom, I am blowing bubbles' In I walk to notice with shock and horror that I did not learn my lesson and he has (again) emptied my Clarins face wash in the bath...yikes another R200 down the drain.

He loves his new bakkie (pick up truck) and wants to drive it everywhere, so much so that we had a serious tantrum this morning on the way to school as he just could not understand why he could not 'drive with me in the traffic' So after he eventually stopped screaming, this little voice pipes up from the back 'Mom, please I need to wash my face and blow my nose' Fortunately I had some tissues handy for him.

He just has this way of going between a big boy and a spoiled kid in seconds!!

From Prejudice to Admiration

So I had Fun with a BIG F last night - the women I met there were warm real people with big bodies, little bodies, toned ones and fat ones, but they were all smiling, clinching those buns and pushing up with those hips. It was an hour floor work out that killed me and I left with legs that could hardly walk.

I loved it - I felt that cameraderie between women I remember feeling when E was a newborn and i was in a baby massage class with a bunch of other newborn moms

It was not about seduction at all, but I can imagine that the confidence those women have in their beautiful, perfect bodies, rubs off everywhere.

I will practice to 'touch the corners of a square with my hips' until I can do it with that beautiful fluent movement that rolled through the class last night.

Into the Lion's Den

I have always been a tom boy, from little it was shorts, T-shirts and dirty skinny legs running around like a mad thing with a bunch of little boys. I could climb higher, ride faster and hit harder than most of the ‘other’ little boys. So much so that a life long friend – and we are still best buddies, once looked at me when I was about 13 and exclaimed in utter befuddlement ‘But you are a girl!!’ After I have known him for 12 years and had pony tails for about six of those ;-)

So I have to admit, I have always felt a little bit out of place in the presence of a bundle of girls, talking about girlie stuff. I don’t have anything pink – well I lie, there is a tiny little pink bow on a pair of black lace knickers in my cupboard. I have sensible short nails without any varnish, drive a pick up truck and cannot for the life of me walk on high heels. I have never curled my pinky, can’t flutter my eyelashes (not for want of trying) and in general will not pull it of as a pussycat doll, Barbie, or playboy bunny………

So, tonight I am joining a sensual dancing class, with a bunch of girlie girls, learning all about that secret art of being absolutely feminine, at home in your delectably tantalizing female body. It is for women only and the end goal is to help us poor sods that swagger in stead of strut to learn the finer arts of you know…….seduction?

Deep Fried Fly

I decided to treat myself to a herbal tea and candle light bath, with bubbles and all kinds of smellies to sooth the skin and soul. See it has been a bit rough around here with work pressure, the divorce and Phil being the absolutely sweetest person this side of the equator.

A big bottle green fly is buzzzing about, buzzing about
I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound
Then the sizzle
I watch the macabre dance
a charslton I think
In clear hot wax
Then the silence

I can relax again

Sighting out a Site

I had to be up at shortly after four am....the cockerel at my new place made sure I did not miss the alarm clock and I was all dressed and ready to roll by 5:30. Had to meet the project manager at their head offices in Centurion at 6:00 sharp to make sure we make our meeting with the very very important director of Local Economic Development at 10:00.

Yes it is a loooong drive and we stopped three times, for coffee, a pee and the special biltong stop shortly before our destination. At the meeting we were informed that the other two very important people we had to meet could not make it - this is the reason why we drove all the way. To meet the relevant ward councilor and the contact person for the local chamber of small business. The one had to take their car in for a service and the other is simply not available - I am gently stroking my leg to calm myself down with my colleague wanting to burst into hysterical laughter. I am reminding myself that this is Africa and everything works on a different time scale, even if I did phone the previous day to confirm that the meeting was still on schedule. So we left to sight some core boreholes instead and decided that we would just continue to try and get hold of the ward councilor all day long as I really need to see the projects to decide where to from here.

Our patience paid of and shortly before three that afternoon we eventually got hold of her, she directed us to the traditional authorities (now why the municipality could not do that is a mystery) and we were enthusiastically escorted to a poultry and piggery project

Where we traipsed ankle deep through mud and pigshit to listen in amazement to the interpreter telling us that the products are actually sold wholesale to commercial operations, something like 190 chickens and 8 pigs in the previous month. We decided that our feasibility studies should include some research into the viability of opening a local branch of Health and Fitness

Settled in

Yesterday I got to test the bakkie, she did wonders and we moved my cottage in less than three hours. Help was had in the form of a huge 1.5 ton double axle trailer, Stephan, Johan and his little girlfriend. Beautiful to see young blossoming love like that........and the eye-candy was good as well, so was the company ;-)

My new place is gorgeous, two comfortably sized bedrooms, open plan living area and a huge serviced garden. Yeah for serviced gardens!!!

E has not seen his new home yet as he has been with Phil all weekend, spending time at friends of ours....mmmm a bit of an odd feeling to not be there as well, but best I get used to it.

I am pleased, I have lots of ideas for this little home, ways to make it mine. I never felt that at the previous place. Not sure if it is the different set-up or maybe I have just moved on a little bit emotionally? Suppose the big commitment was made in buying the car, I might just as well go all the way and settledown into my own little place as well......

New Wheels!

So after my little car has faithfully slaved away for me for 225 000 odd km over 9 years, she got send on to a new home today. The guy promised he will find her a nice family where she can snugly sleep in the garage every night.

My new wheels is an enormous double cab diesel bakkie - it juggernauts through traffic and even the minibus taxis make way for us. I feel very much in control, even though I probably look like a tick on a dog ;) After many agonising hours of deliberation and consultation this was the car I identified as the best obtion for me both financially and for my lifestyle. Even though it is a serious work horse, it has all the trimmings - a white and silver exterior with black leather upholstery, mp3/cd player, navigation system, adjustable seats and steering wheel, aircon - the list is endless and all explained in a rather thick manual.

The funniest thing of all is the sparewheel though, it is like a military operation to launch that thing from under her underbelly, with all kinds of lock and pulley systems. The salesman was a real sport though as we both spend the better half of an hour lying under her belly with him explaining to me what goes where to get this tyre out, fascinating stuff.

What I will have to get used to though is the fact that this bakkie is a he to begin with and definately not as sparky as my little girl - more like a real german warmblood.

Sweating it OUT

I have been getting more and more edgy lately. Edgy and tired, cotton wool headed. I have walked, and have talked, pondered, cleaned, cried, slept and nothing helped. My insides were itching

So I found a little gym, just around the corner from where I stay. I thought the place was bankrupt, but alas the liquidators are running it on a month to month basis. Perfect - I can cope with a one month, no strings attached commitment. So I bought a pass.

It worked, I sweated it out on the elliptical walker and then in the steam room. The poison was pouring down my body, leaving me clean, refreshed and clear headed. The first time in weeks

I think I will go and do the circuit tomorrow!

A Phone Call

and it is MSV that murmurs in my ear.....oh my word, I cannot believe what this guy's voice does to me. Even though I have met him and he does not look like his voice at all.

I think I do not need to see him really, ever, he must just phone me every now and again and whisper in my ear. It is an instant hormone flush!!

He wants me to come and visit him. Claims that his couch is really missing me not sleeping on it all weekend ;). It was fun, I might just do that. He really knows how to treat a woman like a princess.

Who? ME.....

Tomorrow I will be 35 years old
Sometimes I still feel like a little girl

This week has seen me
broken down
into
tiny
little
pieces

A hungry embrace
the man I once loved
A signature on a page
Tears for my freedom

I so want to make me a home
memories for my stories
laughter for my son

my numbers say that
I will search and search
a soulmate to be found
One have died
the other lost
it is to be left
well alone

Back to Basics

I have been bothered by the dating site and what felt to me my inability to manage the interactions there with integrity. I think it is in the very nature of the medium, people expect that you can communicate via the net for a couple of emails, share some photos - meet for coffee/drinks/lunch and then you either madly in love or you do not speak again.

I enjoyed the conversations with different people and had a lot of laughs at odd hours of the day and night as I did not take it seriously and just enjoyed the feeling of having company at your 'finger tips' But meeting the people and reading the desperate desire for acceptance in their eyes, every single time, freaked me out. These people are emotionally just too needy, and I am in no place to help them or share some of myself with them. It upset me so much that I deleted my profile from the site. I really feel at peace. I think I draw other people's emotions into myself too much. I did however share my email address with a couple of people i have talked to often and who's company I have really enjoyed. Hopefully we could become friends over time and have some fun together. I am meeting one guy next week, he seems to be looking for similar things as I am and he is a big outdoor fan. We are having dinner at my favourite little joint and then he leaves to walk the whale trail down in the Eastern Cape for a week.

So let's see what the future hold

With E, I am not sure how much he was affected by the Joey scenario. We have often spoken about saying no and telling mommy, but he did not come and tell me about this. I have been really carefull to not make him feel like he did anything wrong as well as getting the right message home. In the mean time he is spending weekends at his dad and will remain to do so until we have moved to a new place. During the week I will just make sure that we get home from school too late to play outside. I have told him though that he cannot play with Joey anymore as Joey does not play nicely.

All Of Our Children

I have had to learn the hardest lesson of them all this past week

As mentioned, often, we live on a lovely small holding with lots of space and friend called Joey. A couple of weeks ago I found the two little boys investigating each others penises, did not think too much about it as I would imagine it is part of growing up and they are similar in age, yes??

A week ago, just before we left for a weeks holiday, E comes running into the house, soaking wet and hysterical. When I asked him what happened he told me that Joey peed on him, so I investigated, spoke to the mom, the kid the psychologist and this is not normal. So we went on our little break.

The first day we get back, E runs to play with long lost Joey, and I watch them. Not long before they leave the scooters and disappear behind the house. So I checked up, only to find Joey kneeling in front of E with E's penis cupped in his hand. At this stage I can only let out a sigh

The end of the story is that we (the landlady and I) have organised for Joey to get councelling with his parents as he is just too young to come up with these things all by himself.

For me, the anger, sadness and dissappointment will linger for long, my baby has been violated by friend not much older than him (too young even to be molestation by definition). We have to move, E cannot play with Joey again, ever.

innocense on an alter
a child saved
I hope
A mother's tears
a reaching hand
we have to share
not condemn