Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)
And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.
What a shot!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A couple of action shots
Getting all ready at the cycle race the other day
Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)
And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.
What a shot!
Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)
And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.
What a shot!
Sunday, November 16, 2008
A southern perspective
I cannot help myself. I find the current political regime in the US of A amusing. Africa was always the deep dark black continent. A hole in the map. Even academics in the North tend to group all of us together....as Africa. Heck, even South Africans are guilty of this referral to Africa as a homogenous continent. With just one fate; oblivion, mass poverty and corruption.
And now, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, hails from Africa. With roots outside western dogma, western religion and a western mind set. Yes, he is American. I do not doubt that for a second. But still - he is not as American as the previous regime. He at least knows that Africa is a continent and not a country.
But not only that, now I really can laugh at racist comments in SA. People criticizing the South African government based on the racial make up will have to think twice. Further, the bar has been raised for our government. No longer is it ok to hide behind their race either. There is a man walking in the front, a man obviously different looking from his predecessors. A man not part of the family of presidents that went before him. A fresh breath. I wonder what that will mean for foreign policy, xenophobia in America, tolerance of difference. But I also wonder if he will live to see through his term. If he will have the support and strength of character to unite a divided nation. To catch that ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (nation?)
And now, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, hails from Africa. With roots outside western dogma, western religion and a western mind set. Yes, he is American. I do not doubt that for a second. But still - he is not as American as the previous regime. He at least knows that Africa is a continent and not a country.
But not only that, now I really can laugh at racist comments in SA. People criticizing the South African government based on the racial make up will have to think twice. Further, the bar has been raised for our government. No longer is it ok to hide behind their race either. There is a man walking in the front, a man obviously different looking from his predecessors. A man not part of the family of presidents that went before him. A fresh breath. I wonder what that will mean for foreign policy, xenophobia in America, tolerance of difference. But I also wonder if he will live to see through his term. If he will have the support and strength of character to unite a divided nation. To catch that ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (nation?)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
So mom, tell me
how are you today?
Is what my little guy wanted to know on the way home from school. So I told him I am absolutely splendid. I am healthy, I am with him and everything looks nice to me. And how are you my boy?
I am terrible, he says
Oh, why ever then?
Because Manno just cries at school and eats food from the floor and that is just disgusting. I dont want anybody to be friends with him.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I feel like curling up
and crying my heart out.
Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê
This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me
Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê
This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The greek philosopher retained his sense of humour
and told me last night that his new slogan is
If you are alive, why worry about it?
It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'
If you are alive, why worry about it?
It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'
Monday, November 10, 2008
mmmm Yes please
For nearly a year I have been a rather recalcitrant and sometimes reluctant girlfriend. Most of our disagreements and moments have been because I push him away from me emotionally. But now, he is lying in ICU in hospital, seriously sick from a surprise heart attack and all I want to do is curl up on his lap and feel him stroke my hair. Kissing my brow, telling me that if we just enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
A couple of firsts
Today E participated in the 3 - 4 year old category for the Pick A Pay Cycle race and it was very 'scary' and 'exciting' all at once. After looking forward to it for the whole week and sitting on his bicycle ready to go from 8 this morning, we nearly left the starting point as he was just too overwhelmed by the crowd and the atmosphere to continue. Some reassurance and a promise I will hold him all the way and we were ready to roll. It went surprisingly well. We did not fall off or bump into anyone and did not get bumped into either. And he made it all the way to the end to get his medal, juice and chocolate.
Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p
Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Like a sponge they say
I know that a young child's mind is like a sponge, absorbing everything around them and more often than not, they learn the stuff you don't want them to know, long before they learn what you are trying to teach them.
We have been working on and off on letter recognition for a while now and I must admit, not with much success. E seems to recognise certain words easily but not all the letters consistently in an alphabetical or any random order for that matter. He loves playing the I-spie game though and are really good at coming up with different words that start with the same letter. Lately he has been asking me to read labels and names of things to him and I have invited him to read it with me. To great success.
A while ago I bought a couple of first level reader books for E but we have never had the opportunity to work through them and tonight I decided to pull the little first level book from the shelve and encouraged E to read it to me. Which he did. I must admit, I am quite surprised but also very very proud of the little man.
We have been working on and off on letter recognition for a while now and I must admit, not with much success. E seems to recognise certain words easily but not all the letters consistently in an alphabetical or any random order for that matter. He loves playing the I-spie game though and are really good at coming up with different words that start with the same letter. Lately he has been asking me to read labels and names of things to him and I have invited him to read it with me. To great success.
A while ago I bought a couple of first level reader books for E but we have never had the opportunity to work through them and tonight I decided to pull the little first level book from the shelve and encouraged E to read it to me. Which he did. I must admit, I am quite surprised but also very very proud of the little man.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Knotted up
I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Taking work to the bushveld
One of the joys of working from your cellphone and your computer is that you really could do it from anywhere ;-) and not too long ago, I did exactly that. I packed the bag and the kiddo and we joined the grandparents at Dikholo, a small game farm not too far of the beaten track
High on the mountain at a lookout - we spend quite a bit of time here looking at the animals and the beautiful vistas of endless rolling hills and bushveld. A little Dassie was warming itself in the sun. These little animals are normally quite shy, but not here, I am not sure if their strength is in their numbers (they were everywhere) or whether they are just so used to living in close proximity to humans that they have become quite tame.
The resort seen from the lookout point. It is beautiful, if a bit overdeveloped
We went for a walk one morning fairly early and I decided to leave my long lens...I am in a game farm and I left my long lense. I know, unbelievable. I was very frustrated halfway through as we got very close to the animals but the short lense just does not do them justice. I played hide a seek with this giraffe for a bit.
High on the mountain at a lookout - we spend quite a bit of time here looking at the animals and the beautiful vistas of endless rolling hills and bushveld. A little Dassie was warming itself in the sun. These little animals are normally quite shy, but not here, I am not sure if their strength is in their numbers (they were everywhere) or whether they are just so used to living in close proximity to humans that they have become quite tame.
The resort seen from the lookout point. It is beautiful, if a bit overdeveloped
We went for a walk one morning fairly early and I decided to leave my long lens...I am in a game farm and I left my long lense. I know, unbelievable. I was very frustrated halfway through as we got very close to the animals but the short lense just does not do them justice. I played hide a seek with this giraffe for a bit.
Fresh mountain water
My newest most favourite photo of E was taken in the mountains of Crete where we use to go every other day to collect fresh drinking water for the house. What a simple lifestyle people have there
On the map!
So today I got my very own postbox!!
I am seriously impressed with myself. Believe it or not, but it is a huge step forward in taking my life back.
WOOOHOOO!!!!
I am seriously impressed with myself. Believe it or not, but it is a huge step forward in taking my life back.
WOOOHOOO!!!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Faith Hope and Love
But the greatest of these is Love
I am heartsore as another family is standing on the brink of loosing a wife and mother to cancer.
I do not understand
He loves her so
and still he watches and waits for her to go
knowing that they will not share a tomorrow
Who can ever phantom such sorrow?
It makes me feel disconnected
a little dissected
Not ready to care enough
but so wanting to call this bluff
I am heartsore as another family is standing on the brink of loosing a wife and mother to cancer.
I do not understand
He loves her so
and still he watches and waits for her to go
knowing that they will not share a tomorrow
Who can ever phantom such sorrow?
It makes me feel disconnected
a little dissected
Not ready to care enough
but so wanting to call this bluff
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Wisdom(s) no more
So after I have put this little procedure off for more than eight years, yes eight years, I am happy to report that I have survived the removal of all four of my recalcitrant wisdom teeth.
I love the surgeon who did this, despite having a seriously impacted tooth that was growing horizontally…. and on its way out my cheek, this guy managed to cut me up without leaving any visible evidence of the butchery. I wonder if he practices in his spare time?
In the end, nothing about the procedure was traumatic at all, they gently put me to sleep with reassuring stickers and machinery tracking all my vital signs and I woke an hour later with a foul tasting mouth filled with thick dark, red. blood and a tongue that did not work. And that really was it.
Today I was really tired and spaced out, but I managed to get some work done, including cleaning my house and doing the laundry. Tomorrow we are back to business as usual with an all day workshop at a big client.
I love the surgeon who did this, despite having a seriously impacted tooth that was growing horizontally…. and on its way out my cheek, this guy managed to cut me up without leaving any visible evidence of the butchery. I wonder if he practices in his spare time?
In the end, nothing about the procedure was traumatic at all, they gently put me to sleep with reassuring stickers and machinery tracking all my vital signs and I woke an hour later with a foul tasting mouth filled with thick dark, red. blood and a tongue that did not work. And that really was it.
Today I was really tired and spaced out, but I managed to get some work done, including cleaning my house and doing the laundry. Tomorrow we are back to business as usual with an all day workshop at a big client.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Soaked in life
Today as I was riding Shilogh I got caught in a thunderstorm with lots of rain and hail. It was wonderfull, I have not felt so alive in a long time
The smell of wet grass
On a hot baked earth
Horse breath steaming in the stables
Clothes clinging to my body
squelching shoes in muddy grass
Cold drops of rain running down my face
as i stretched my sore legs into a run
We are praying for you Cari, you are teaching me the value of my life, and I am praying that you will heal and live to see those beautiful children of yours grow into the adults you dream them to be.
The smell of wet grass
On a hot baked earth
Horse breath steaming in the stables
Clothes clinging to my body
squelching shoes in muddy grass
Cold drops of rain running down my face
as i stretched my sore legs into a run
We are praying for you Cari, you are teaching me the value of my life, and I am praying that you will heal and live to see those beautiful children of yours grow into the adults you dream them to be.
All things theatrical
Yes I know I have a killer deadline for Monday and that there are more work on my desk than hours in the day and night. But E is on midterm break, so we went to the children's theatre today to be whisked away on a magical carpet ride to the modern mid eastern delight of Aladdin. It was wonderful. The four crew cast was superb and energetic as they magically recast themselves from evil magician to charismatic genie in a heartbeat. From spiders and dragons to a beautiful princess all the time captivating and interacting with their audience by the roll of eyes and sharing of jewels.
After theatre it was time to have a much needed haircut and some of our own home grown theatrics
After theatre it was time to have a much needed haircut and some of our own home grown theatrics
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Bum boarding
Just down the road from me is a 50m artificial ski slope on which we went bumboarding one piping hot Sunday afternoon. The exhilaration on E's face is all the story I need to tell. Needless to say, the little man was lights out by 18:00 that night and that was all we talked about for a couple of days.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The epitome of boredom
Is trying to find 150 creative ways to tell the same client that all their clients think their services really suck.....and no, this is not a ten page document. Imagine doing this for at least 400 pages and and at least the same number of graphs.
I hate this job, I hate this client
I am so glad that this will be last year
I am going to have to do this
It has been a loooong three years, let me tell you ;-p
I hate this job, I hate this client
I am so glad that this will be last year
I am going to have to do this
It has been a loooong three years, let me tell you ;-p
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Eating good healthy food
will make you grow into a big strong boy and now we have to measure him against my body twice during every meal.
He is convinced that he is bigger at the end each meal.
Cute little Elrich'sms:
Pantoffels are called tampoffels
All adults are moms and dads
Hostipal for hospital
You need engengy to do things and food gives you lots of engengy (energy)
He wants to know the type of fuel each car runs on - mom is that a diesel car or a petrol car?
When we drive I have to tell him what make and model nearly every car on the road is
He loves to tell me in which direction I am/or must turn next. Now that I think on it, back seat driving is his forte and we have non stop commentary on everything happening arounds us for most of the driving time.
He cannot wait for his next birthday to come because then he will be five and that is a much cooler age than four - and 'mom, look I am a cool dudes!' says he with his mirror sunglasses
He is convinced that he is bigger at the end each meal.
Cute little Elrich'sms:
Pantoffels are called tampoffels
All adults are moms and dads
Hostipal for hospital
You need engengy to do things and food gives you lots of engengy (energy)
He wants to know the type of fuel each car runs on - mom is that a diesel car or a petrol car?
When we drive I have to tell him what make and model nearly every car on the road is
He loves to tell me in which direction I am/or must turn next. Now that I think on it, back seat driving is his forte and we have non stop commentary on everything happening arounds us for most of the driving time.
He cannot wait for his next birthday to come because then he will be five and that is a much cooler age than four - and 'mom, look I am a cool dudes!' says he with his mirror sunglasses
Thursday, October 09, 2008
The great composer
Elrich loves singing and he makes up imprompto songs about everything around him as he sees and experiences it. This is just a little clip I managed to get of his antics. Note the very bare little cottage I stay in - nope I have not bought that couch or that TV cabinent I have been dreaming about. Somehow, it just seems a bit too big a decision to make right now ;-)
I have no idea why this video is on it's side
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Mixed feelings
Phil forgot about Elrich's athletics day at school today. Since E slept at his dad's house last night, he did not make it to athletics either. I am furious at Phil. I think that it was inexcusable and in future E will stay at my place the night before a big school day. But that is not all....
Work pressure and the build up to the family athletics day left me emotionally wrung out last night. So I told John that I was no good for any company and miserable. He told me that it is fine and no sulking from his side, he will see me the next day in time for the school sports day. I believed him that it was ok for me to crawl in my little cave and just sulk in silence. How wrong could I be?
This is our sms conversation today:
Maritha (as I woke up) Hello, I am more of a mess now that I was last night. I think it is because of the family thing today, I am a bit slow putting stuff together and understanding my own emotions. If u wake early and u want to come help me make shaker thingies that would be nice
John: Hi, I just woke up, my head is a mess. I wont b joining u this morning. I hope e and his team do well
Maritha: Ok, that is fine I will not sulk either ;-p
Maritha: But just to confuse you even more, at the start of this week I really really looked forward to having u around helping me to make the shakers, going to athletics together and being a little family. By Friday though I was over tired and an emotional mess and all I wanted to do was run into a cave and hide, so please do not see my emotions as a reflection on u. It is not it is just my mess I have to try and sort out or manager or whatever xxxx
John:Maybe you dont want us 2 b a lil family. Enjoy your athletics day.
Maritha: Now that was really insensitive and unnecessary
John: Neither was this ....lol I am sorry I am in no state to be nice and sensitive, I am tired and miserable and I am watching tv and drinking savannah. I understand it would be far nicer if I was excited and full of life but alas, what can I say (the message I send him last night saying why I did not feel like company)
Maritha: Yes, I know but it was not aimed at u, I was'nt miserable because of u. That is why I am scared when u say I make u happy because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to keep u happy. U need to be happy despite of me and the state I am in. Johnny I cannot have you fall down when I am a mess, I care about u but I am still a mess.
John: U took something that I was really looking forward to and fucked it up quick quick last night. I’m sorry Phil fucked u around but I am not Phil. Treat me like I am Phil, u will turn around and I will b gone. That seems to me that is what u want!
Maritha: John, if I thought you were Phil, I would not be around and u fucked it up for yourself. Last night I really thought that u were just letting me be, I did not realize that we were going to have an all fall down today. I honestly woke up this morning looking forward to spending the day with u. But I am a bit naïve that way.
John: well if that is how u c it, I fucked it up 4 myself then….
By that time I have had enough of this silly sms’ing. I was sitting at E’s school wondering where the heck his father is. Is it just me or is John emotionally more insecure than me? I just don’t follow his train of thought at all and it does not make sense to me in the bigger picture. I have not spoken to him since and quite frankly don’t see myself speaking to him anytime soon. Anyway – I just had to get it out of my system.
Work pressure and the build up to the family athletics day left me emotionally wrung out last night. So I told John that I was no good for any company and miserable. He told me that it is fine and no sulking from his side, he will see me the next day in time for the school sports day. I believed him that it was ok for me to crawl in my little cave and just sulk in silence. How wrong could I be?
This is our sms conversation today:
Maritha (as I woke up) Hello, I am more of a mess now that I was last night. I think it is because of the family thing today, I am a bit slow putting stuff together and understanding my own emotions. If u wake early and u want to come help me make shaker thingies that would be nice
John: Hi, I just woke up, my head is a mess. I wont b joining u this morning. I hope e and his team do well
Maritha: Ok, that is fine I will not sulk either ;-p
Maritha: But just to confuse you even more, at the start of this week I really really looked forward to having u around helping me to make the shakers, going to athletics together and being a little family. By Friday though I was over tired and an emotional mess and all I wanted to do was run into a cave and hide, so please do not see my emotions as a reflection on u. It is not it is just my mess I have to try and sort out or manager or whatever xxxx
John:Maybe you dont want us 2 b a lil family. Enjoy your athletics day.
Maritha: Now that was really insensitive and unnecessary
John: Neither was this ....lol I am sorry I am in no state to be nice and sensitive, I am tired and miserable and I am watching tv and drinking savannah. I understand it would be far nicer if I was excited and full of life but alas, what can I say (the message I send him last night saying why I did not feel like company)
Maritha: Yes, I know but it was not aimed at u, I was'nt miserable because of u. That is why I am scared when u say I make u happy because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to keep u happy. U need to be happy despite of me and the state I am in. Johnny I cannot have you fall down when I am a mess, I care about u but I am still a mess.
John: U took something that I was really looking forward to and fucked it up quick quick last night. I’m sorry Phil fucked u around but I am not Phil. Treat me like I am Phil, u will turn around and I will b gone. That seems to me that is what u want!
Maritha: John, if I thought you were Phil, I would not be around and u fucked it up for yourself. Last night I really thought that u were just letting me be, I did not realize that we were going to have an all fall down today. I honestly woke up this morning looking forward to spending the day with u. But I am a bit naïve that way.
John: well if that is how u c it, I fucked it up 4 myself then….
By that time I have had enough of this silly sms’ing. I was sitting at E’s school wondering where the heck his father is. Is it just me or is John emotionally more insecure than me? I just don’t follow his train of thought at all and it does not make sense to me in the bigger picture. I have not spoken to him since and quite frankly don’t see myself speaking to him anytime soon. Anyway – I just had to get it out of my system.
Monday, September 29, 2008
It is just in the Semantics
So I have nearly had a nervous breakdown about this 'falling in love' thing I so flippantly posted about last week.
What is love? What does it mean 'to love somebody?' See in my world that meant loneliness, sacrifice, rejection, isolation and fear. So this 'longing' for another human being in my life nearly send me straight to the funny farm.
I asked John and his answer calmed me down.....and does make sense to me. According to the philosophy of John the Cretan ....it is just about two people meeting each other's needs. Yes, in order to do that there is commitment and where there is commitment there is compromise. And (funny that) there should be desire to spend time together, trust, shared interests and so on. It does not mean unconditional sacrifice, that type of love is reserved for the parenting of small children. It does not mean that you have to deny the hurt and emotions you are feeling right now, to focus on a fantasy future.
So maybe then, even if I do not have any long term plans or dreams for an 'us' I am in love with this funny little greek man that can be such a serious clown ;-)
What is love? What does it mean 'to love somebody?' See in my world that meant loneliness, sacrifice, rejection, isolation and fear. So this 'longing' for another human being in my life nearly send me straight to the funny farm.
I asked John and his answer calmed me down.....and does make sense to me. According to the philosophy of John the Cretan ....it is just about two people meeting each other's needs. Yes, in order to do that there is commitment and where there is commitment there is compromise. And (funny that) there should be desire to spend time together, trust, shared interests and so on. It does not mean unconditional sacrifice, that type of love is reserved for the parenting of small children. It does not mean that you have to deny the hurt and emotions you are feeling right now, to focus on a fantasy future.
So maybe then, even if I do not have any long term plans or dreams for an 'us' I am in love with this funny little greek man that can be such a serious clown ;-)
Take two
So the ab contest is still going strong
On Monday I was travesing the rural roads of this here land and by the time I got home my lower back and kidneys had enough already.
Wednesday i was not going to miss and I googled abs - copied and pasted a list of do able exercises and decided to stick to them as I am sure that I remember something around repetition being a good thing.
My tools of torture were:
Reverse crunches
Bicycle Crunch
Vertical Leg crunches
Bridges
Half Curls
I did them on Wednesday morning as I got out the bath...it is quite the experience doing ab exercises when you are butt naked. No, I will not go into details but just remember I have been with child a couple of years ago.
The only reason why I did my exercises on Friday was because of the competition and I was not going to loose another day. I felt sick, I was so darn tired as I just did not sleep for two nights in a row and life had my intestines in a gut wrenching knot.
By Saturday this was all old news.....the only very sad thing is that I did not get round to Shilogh this week - Only on Thursday for a very short, very disorientated little ride that nearly landed me on my head. I can only dream and hope
On Monday I was travesing the rural roads of this here land and by the time I got home my lower back and kidneys had enough already.
Wednesday i was not going to miss and I googled abs - copied and pasted a list of do able exercises and decided to stick to them as I am sure that I remember something around repetition being a good thing.
My tools of torture were:
Reverse crunches
Bicycle Crunch
Vertical Leg crunches
Bridges
Half Curls
I did them on Wednesday morning as I got out the bath...it is quite the experience doing ab exercises when you are butt naked. No, I will not go into details but just remember I have been with child a couple of years ago.
The only reason why I did my exercises on Friday was because of the competition and I was not going to loose another day. I felt sick, I was so darn tired as I just did not sleep for two nights in a row and life had my intestines in a gut wrenching knot.
By Saturday this was all old news.....the only very sad thing is that I did not get round to Shilogh this week - Only on Thursday for a very short, very disorientated little ride that nearly landed me on my head. I can only dream and hope
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
On Tuesday night
When John rocked up at my house, exactly on the expected time, concerned for my safety and laden with gifts, I think I fell in love
That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.
That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
My f-ab-ulous week
So KC challenged all of us to work our abs in the little competition she is running on her blog.
My first week:
On Monday I did the sitting trot thing for five minutes and half way through I was thinking - I am cheating this is way tooo easy. I could sit like this for the rest of the day and not feel a thing
On Tuesday morning I had a slight limp as my lower back was just so stiff
On Wednesday it was the second round and after about 30 seconds I thought I was going to die. By the 4th minute I wondered if my horse will buck me off if I puked all over him and when the watch told me time up - I hardly had the strength to keep my body upright on the horse. Sheez I am unfit
Friday came and went so fast that I did not ride or do any other form of exercise
So Saturday morning I decided that I will go for the bonus point- variety:
Five minutes of crunchies - those that you pull yourself up by breathing out and clenching your core muscles. A lil like isometrics I was told way back when. I managed one hundred relatively fast, then I had to rest for at least thirty counts. Then I did another hundred agonizingly slowly, convinced that I am going to pass out and die, convinced that the kitchen counter does not work anymore and will never ring to signal the end of this torture. As I finished my 5 minutes and got up - my ears started ringing so bad I thought I am gonna pass out.
Why am I doing this to my self?
My first week:
On Monday I did the sitting trot thing for five minutes and half way through I was thinking - I am cheating this is way tooo easy. I could sit like this for the rest of the day and not feel a thing
On Tuesday morning I had a slight limp as my lower back was just so stiff
On Wednesday it was the second round and after about 30 seconds I thought I was going to die. By the 4th minute I wondered if my horse will buck me off if I puked all over him and when the watch told me time up - I hardly had the strength to keep my body upright on the horse. Sheez I am unfit
Friday came and went so fast that I did not ride or do any other form of exercise
So Saturday morning I decided that I will go for the bonus point- variety:
Five minutes of crunchies - those that you pull yourself up by breathing out and clenching your core muscles. A lil like isometrics I was told way back when. I managed one hundred relatively fast, then I had to rest for at least thirty counts. Then I did another hundred agonizingly slowly, convinced that I am going to pass out and die, convinced that the kitchen counter does not work anymore and will never ring to signal the end of this torture. As I finished my 5 minutes and got up - my ears started ringing so bad I thought I am gonna pass out.
Why am I doing this to my self?
Now I am closer to 40 than 30
But then John reminded me that he is closer to 40 than 60 which made me feel like a school girl
My birthday was one of those days I will never forget
The morning of my birthday as I was sitting in the beautiful hotel garden sipping percolated coffee, listening to gurgling waters and bird sounds, I realised that what I thought was a disaster, was really the perfect start to my day. See, I like to control my life and I like to feel successful with what I do and here I got a reminder that we are really at the mercy of those very things we take for granted in our lives. Like our health, our cell phones, cars, jobs whilst any or all of it can so easily be taken away from us.
But more importantly, when things are taken from us, other people can step up for us to take care of us and help us reach our destinations. Only problem is I failed that very lesson the next day so badly that I am afraid I am going to have to write the same test again in the near future....but I am getting ahead of myself a little bit, I think
On Sunday past I thought it a good idea to take E to the Thai Festival, which was ok, apart from the fact that they had a very violent full contact Kick boxing competition going in the middle of the festivities and we left rather hurriedly. On the way back home my little guy fell asleep in the car but I had to stop to get some milk, which I did. But the little fellow was really miserable to be woken and dragged into the shop and whilst he was fretting and fussing I got my cell phone pick pocketed from my hand bag. I left feeling angry, frustrated and betrayed as I knew something was going on with the lady that kept bumping up against me, but I had no extra hands left to try and feel if my bag was ok - which was slung across my shoulder and slightly to my back.
Well, my whole little business runs through my phone which doubles as an external modem for my computer, diary and notebook. So with that lost, I was quite literally left in the dark. I went to John to use his phone to cancel the sim and black list the phone but had to go to a project early Monday morning so could not do anything about submitting the claim for a replacement phone until Monday afternoon. Which I did and was told that I can collect my new phone on Tuesday. Fortunately John had an extra phone which he loaned me, only problem was that it had a very limited battery life, but I had a car charger for it and thought it will be ok at least to take with me on the road and at least I could phone if I needed help.
Tuesday was my birthday and I woke up early with a song in my heart - ready to face the day and slightly nervous as i was due to speak at a conference on development/transformation in the mining industry. We were ready and out the door in good time and I took my little guy to school - where he insisted I kiss him in the car and he will walk himself to his classroom. Watching my little guy with his big backpack and in full soccer atire walking himself into the school garden wrenched my heart. But no time for sentimentality, so hopped back into my truck, turned the key and....nothing. No gentle purring of my diesel enjin, just a disconcerting silence. I could not believe it. This is a new car, it has just come from a three day stint at auto-electricians where they fixed the alarm system and now she was stone cold dead. But not to worry, I will phone John to come and help me out as he is a real wiz with mechanical stuff. As I dialed his number, I got a voicemail but before I could even leave a message the battery died. To be honest I just went blank, I did not know where to start or what to do as the only numbers I knew by heart was my mom's number and Phil's number. And how will they help me? And I need to be at the conference venue in 40 minutes time.
So I went into the school secretary's office and asked if I could use the phone. I dialed Phil, but he did not answer, no surprises there as he hardly ever wakes up before 9 in the morning. Desperately in need of a sympathetic ear I phoned mom, who listened like just a mom can and then asked what she could do to help me….uhm, I don’t know – nothing I guess as they are three hours away. Just as I put the phone down another mom came up to me and offered to take me where ever it was I had to go to. I could not believe my ears, when I asked her if she is sure, she just said ‘darling, I heard you say ex-husband, and I have so been there. Come let me take you, you will be just fine.’ So I left the car keys with the school secretary and got taken 20km across town to the conference venue. On the way there I learned so many things, I learned that this lady was also in development but that her company focus on marketing and branding of projects and SMMEs. What a godsend she was, her wisdom and kindness was a real blessing to me and helped me to calm down and just let the day be. Her words were ‘darling, you try to control too much, just live a little’ mmmmm how on earth to let go of that and just to live a little. How to let go of this anxious knot in my tummy that I might let someone down or make a mistake. Anyway – at the hotel I realized they changed the venue but I did not get the e-mail as I did not have an internet connection the previous day. Fortunately they could get a hotel driver to take me across town – again – to the correct venue.
The conference went down well, our presentation was well received. My dad managed to contact the place that resurrected my Corsa in 2007 and they fetched my car and tightened the battery terminals (which were all that was wrong with it) and Phil collected the bakkie for me. I got dropped off at his house and could drive home. In the mean time I could not get hold of John as I did not know his number by heart but I knew he would be really stressed out as he did not know if I was ok or not, but I decided to bath and dress like I am going out in any-case. And true to form, at exactly 7:00 I heard the roar of his little car’s engine as he pulled up to my gate. His car was filled with flowers and he bought me some perfume. The genuine concern on his face as he got out the car and looked at me with relief washing over him when he saw that I was perfectly fine…that was probably the biggest gift I have ever gotten. He cared, he really cared about me.
On Wednesday I went first thing to the Vodashop to get my phone sorted – and there I failed the test. All the lessons learned the previous day were for naught as I lost my temper so badly and swore at the consultant. Yes, he did have a narky attitude and yes he could have been a little bit more diplomatic in the way he handled the story, but still it is not nice to watch the junk splurting out of yourself when you are put under pressure. Oi, I did apologize, and I managed to get a good phone. I also managed to make it back to the conference just in time for my presentation that afternoon. A presentation that stretched their thinking on economic development and challenged the room to think more creatively regarding the difference they can make to the mining industry and the transformation of the rural economies where they operate.
My birthday was one of those days I will never forget
The morning of my birthday as I was sitting in the beautiful hotel garden sipping percolated coffee, listening to gurgling waters and bird sounds, I realised that what I thought was a disaster, was really the perfect start to my day. See, I like to control my life and I like to feel successful with what I do and here I got a reminder that we are really at the mercy of those very things we take for granted in our lives. Like our health, our cell phones, cars, jobs whilst any or all of it can so easily be taken away from us.
But more importantly, when things are taken from us, other people can step up for us to take care of us and help us reach our destinations. Only problem is I failed that very lesson the next day so badly that I am afraid I am going to have to write the same test again in the near future....but I am getting ahead of myself a little bit, I think
On Sunday past I thought it a good idea to take E to the Thai Festival, which was ok, apart from the fact that they had a very violent full contact Kick boxing competition going in the middle of the festivities and we left rather hurriedly. On the way back home my little guy fell asleep in the car but I had to stop to get some milk, which I did. But the little fellow was really miserable to be woken and dragged into the shop and whilst he was fretting and fussing I got my cell phone pick pocketed from my hand bag. I left feeling angry, frustrated and betrayed as I knew something was going on with the lady that kept bumping up against me, but I had no extra hands left to try and feel if my bag was ok - which was slung across my shoulder and slightly to my back.
Well, my whole little business runs through my phone which doubles as an external modem for my computer, diary and notebook. So with that lost, I was quite literally left in the dark. I went to John to use his phone to cancel the sim and black list the phone but had to go to a project early Monday morning so could not do anything about submitting the claim for a replacement phone until Monday afternoon. Which I did and was told that I can collect my new phone on Tuesday. Fortunately John had an extra phone which he loaned me, only problem was that it had a very limited battery life, but I had a car charger for it and thought it will be ok at least to take with me on the road and at least I could phone if I needed help.
Tuesday was my birthday and I woke up early with a song in my heart - ready to face the day and slightly nervous as i was due to speak at a conference on development/transformation in the mining industry. We were ready and out the door in good time and I took my little guy to school - where he insisted I kiss him in the car and he will walk himself to his classroom. Watching my little guy with his big backpack and in full soccer atire walking himself into the school garden wrenched my heart. But no time for sentimentality, so hopped back into my truck, turned the key and....nothing. No gentle purring of my diesel enjin, just a disconcerting silence. I could not believe it. This is a new car, it has just come from a three day stint at auto-electricians where they fixed the alarm system and now she was stone cold dead. But not to worry, I will phone John to come and help me out as he is a real wiz with mechanical stuff. As I dialed his number, I got a voicemail but before I could even leave a message the battery died. To be honest I just went blank, I did not know where to start or what to do as the only numbers I knew by heart was my mom's number and Phil's number. And how will they help me? And I need to be at the conference venue in 40 minutes time.
So I went into the school secretary's office and asked if I could use the phone. I dialed Phil, but he did not answer, no surprises there as he hardly ever wakes up before 9 in the morning. Desperately in need of a sympathetic ear I phoned mom, who listened like just a mom can and then asked what she could do to help me….uhm, I don’t know – nothing I guess as they are three hours away. Just as I put the phone down another mom came up to me and offered to take me where ever it was I had to go to. I could not believe my ears, when I asked her if she is sure, she just said ‘darling, I heard you say ex-husband, and I have so been there. Come let me take you, you will be just fine.’ So I left the car keys with the school secretary and got taken 20km across town to the conference venue. On the way there I learned so many things, I learned that this lady was also in development but that her company focus on marketing and branding of projects and SMMEs. What a godsend she was, her wisdom and kindness was a real blessing to me and helped me to calm down and just let the day be. Her words were ‘darling, you try to control too much, just live a little’ mmmmm how on earth to let go of that and just to live a little. How to let go of this anxious knot in my tummy that I might let someone down or make a mistake. Anyway – at the hotel I realized they changed the venue but I did not get the e-mail as I did not have an internet connection the previous day. Fortunately they could get a hotel driver to take me across town – again – to the correct venue.
The conference went down well, our presentation was well received. My dad managed to contact the place that resurrected my Corsa in 2007 and they fetched my car and tightened the battery terminals (which were all that was wrong with it) and Phil collected the bakkie for me. I got dropped off at his house and could drive home. In the mean time I could not get hold of John as I did not know his number by heart but I knew he would be really stressed out as he did not know if I was ok or not, but I decided to bath and dress like I am going out in any-case. And true to form, at exactly 7:00 I heard the roar of his little car’s engine as he pulled up to my gate. His car was filled with flowers and he bought me some perfume. The genuine concern on his face as he got out the car and looked at me with relief washing over him when he saw that I was perfectly fine…that was probably the biggest gift I have ever gotten. He cared, he really cared about me.
On Wednesday I went first thing to the Vodashop to get my phone sorted – and there I failed the test. All the lessons learned the previous day were for naught as I lost my temper so badly and swore at the consultant. Yes, he did have a narky attitude and yes he could have been a little bit more diplomatic in the way he handled the story, but still it is not nice to watch the junk splurting out of yourself when you are put under pressure. Oi, I did apologize, and I managed to get a good phone. I also managed to make it back to the conference just in time for my presentation that afternoon. A presentation that stretched their thinking on economic development and challenged the room to think more creatively regarding the difference they can make to the mining industry and the transformation of the rural economies where they operate.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Phillipa, you do us proud!
Today a young South African woman won a gold medal at the Para-Olympic games. Yes the medal is won for South Africa, but gold is going to all those people that have overcome all odds to make a dream come true.
Phillipa is known to me through her family, I used to ride professionally for her uncle, the identical twin brother of her father. Her brother got killed in the accident that left her partially paralysed in October 2008, he was a very dear friend of mine. I can still see the light filtering through his marble green eyes, remember how he tried to soften the learning curve of riding for me and whenever I feel like the world is a too big a mountain to climb I remember his mantra that 'As long as your low is higher than your previous low, you are making progress'.
Phillipa has overcome numerous challenges, her handicap only one of them, to participate in her second Para-Olympic games. She currently resides and works in Belgium and managed to pay her own way for both her and Benedict to go to the games. We salute you, your courage and determination to reach your dreams is an inspiration!
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Spring has sprung
I love September
I love the renewed sound of birds
the budding leaves
the bucking horses
the light through my window when I have to wake up in the morning
the heat in my house where I worked on my computer
the smell of braaivleis over the weekends
the toning and browning of my body
the sound of laughter in the air as everyone congregates in the sun
sultry hot evenings
the promise of new opportunities
I love the renewed sound of birds
the budding leaves
the bucking horses
the light through my window when I have to wake up in the morning
the heat in my house where I worked on my computer
the smell of braaivleis over the weekends
the toning and browning of my body
the sound of laughter in the air as everyone congregates in the sun
sultry hot evenings
the promise of new opportunities
Ooh wow - I am so happy
My blog is up and running again
Sheesh I have been frustrated this month
My blog was as bad as electricity supply in SA ;-)
Sheesh I have been frustrated this month
My blog was as bad as electricity supply in SA ;-)
Friday, August 22, 2008
What to say about August
August was a really hard month for me. Even though my trip to Crete was mostly enjoyable it brought up so many emotions in me that I could hardly cope with half of it. The only way that I have figured to deal with overwhelming emotions is to hide them really well. But for better or for worse - it all boiled over within the first two weeks that I came home. I don’t think it helped that a very good friend of mine lost her dad suddenly and then 10 days later gave birth to her first child, a little boy - and named after her father.
All those questions about love, life and family. Personal sacrifice and individual dreams. What do I really want from life? How do I really want to live and build into my future? I go from wanting to be a hermit in an isolated little life, just caring for E, working and traveling as I wish - to wanting a big family with lots more children around me and a husband that cares about the bunch of us. Dreaming and working together to build a combined future…..safely hiding away and taking care of just me and my child. Am I any closer to an answer – NO
But I have decided that I am so fortunate, I live a simple life right now. I have very little to worry about. Everything I have always wanted, I have right here, even if the package it came in looked very different from the one I always imagined. So I will enjoy the simplicity life has to offer me now. I will not want for other things. When the time is ripe, new doors and the right opportunities will guide me.
All those questions about love, life and family. Personal sacrifice and individual dreams. What do I really want from life? How do I really want to live and build into my future? I go from wanting to be a hermit in an isolated little life, just caring for E, working and traveling as I wish - to wanting a big family with lots more children around me and a husband that cares about the bunch of us. Dreaming and working together to build a combined future…..safely hiding away and taking care of just me and my child. Am I any closer to an answer – NO
But I have decided that I am so fortunate, I live a simple life right now. I have very little to worry about. Everything I have always wanted, I have right here, even if the package it came in looked very different from the one I always imagined. So I will enjoy the simplicity life has to offer me now. I will not want for other things. When the time is ripe, new doors and the right opportunities will guide me.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
I must live the life I want to lead
I know that this seems obvious, but it really is something I must remind myself of very often.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I'm leeeeaving, on a jetplane
In a couple of hours we will be flying over Africa - Destination Athens....where we catch our connecting flight to Crete.
For a three.week.holiday. in the mediteranean.
I cannot wait
but first:
I still have to finish some work
Do laundry
Clean and organise my house - you cannot believe the mess
Pack
Have lunch with friend
Take my truck to another friend for safekeeping
All because last night i was fast asleep by 8 O'clock. I was just all used up from working round the clock the last couple of days. But just imagine, three weeks with no deadlines, traffic, alarms at 5:30, freezing cold mornings....just see, sand, sun and lots of Greeks ;-)
For a three.week.holiday. in the mediteranean.
I cannot wait
but first:
I still have to finish some work
Do laundry
Clean and organise my house - you cannot believe the mess
Pack
Have lunch with friend
Take my truck to another friend for safekeeping
All because last night i was fast asleep by 8 O'clock. I was just all used up from working round the clock the last couple of days. But just imagine, three weeks with no deadlines, traffic, alarms at 5:30, freezing cold mornings....just see, sand, sun and lots of Greeks ;-)
Monday, June 30, 2008
Living 'our' dreams
Phil seems to be living all the dreams I thought we shared
then last year I realised they were my fantasies
but now I am so confused
As he is living with a girlfriend
buying a house
settling down
I thought that is what we wanted together
then I thought that it must have been what only I wanted
and he wanted to just be playing around
but now this
it is hurting all over again
then last year I realised they were my fantasies
but now I am so confused
As he is living with a girlfriend
buying a house
settling down
I thought that is what we wanted together
then I thought that it must have been what only I wanted
and he wanted to just be playing around
but now this
it is hurting all over again
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Bearing gifts and baring hearts
Mom, will you marry me?
I love you so much
and I just want to kiss you
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Uncool Mom Awards
A letter in the pigeon hole yesterday morning told us that today would be occupations day at school. I forgot about it till this morning when i asked young E what he wants to be
A robot, mom!
Ok, so I converted a paper box
he was very excited about taking it to school
until we got there and he saw all the builders, office workers and the like
then i had to disappear very quickly
with the box in tow
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
The Navigator
E doing what he likes best - reading the map and telling mom where to go at our last 4x4 daytrip. More photos coming later, it was quite a scary crazy day
A hound called Puppies
Just look at how she has grown
This is the little girl that I brought home with me the first weekend in May. At her first vet's checkup and vaccinations she weighed in at 4.5kg
Puppies just the other night: At her second check up and vaccinations she weighed 14.5kg....uhm yes, she is going to grow into quite a big dog
This is the little girl that I brought home with me the first weekend in May. At her first vet's checkup and vaccinations she weighed in at 4.5kg
Puppies just the other night: At her second check up and vaccinations she weighed 14.5kg....uhm yes, she is going to grow into quite a big dog
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Not much has changed
There were no surprises during our Parent-teacher conference at Elrich school this week. Elrich is a lovely child to have in the classroom and he is popular with all his friends. He is (still) a perfectionist and fairly difficult to engage with in an exercise where he has to be taught. He prefers working on his own and the following little incident were used illustration;
E is busy working on a mat and his teacher approaches him to talk to him about what he is doing, after she sits down and opens the conversation he looks at her and says:
Excuse me, I am busy working here, please would you leave me alone?
All apparently in a very respectfull tone of voice, if slightly irritated that his concentration was interupted. The teacher just laughed as she told us this and said that is a perfect example of how he is during their worktime.
But he is doing well and fortunately because of the montessori system of mixing the age groups he is soaking up a lot of information from the older kids and he loves learning with Keabewtse (his best friend and a year older than him). He still prefers the science and maths section over the language stuff and can spend hours working with the magnetics and the number rods. He also really enjoys the geography section and understands the difference between continents and countries and can identify most of them.
Outside he is very confident on all the jungle gym equipment and can balance on the balance poles, slide down the firemans escape and in general has very good muscle development and coordination for his age group. And apparently he loves learning Zulu, the school has an extra curricular zulu lesson on a Friday afternoon for the primary school children and Elrich has started to attend the lessons and absolutely loves it. Even though he cannot read or write, he joins in all the stories and loves engaging everyone in zulu - I am very happy to hear this as I want him to be fluent in more than two of our official languages (of which we have eleven).
So all in all, a great report for a loveable little boy
E is busy working on a mat and his teacher approaches him to talk to him about what he is doing, after she sits down and opens the conversation he looks at her and says:
Excuse me, I am busy working here, please would you leave me alone?
All apparently in a very respectfull tone of voice, if slightly irritated that his concentration was interupted. The teacher just laughed as she told us this and said that is a perfect example of how he is during their worktime.
But he is doing well and fortunately because of the montessori system of mixing the age groups he is soaking up a lot of information from the older kids and he loves learning with Keabewtse (his best friend and a year older than him). He still prefers the science and maths section over the language stuff and can spend hours working with the magnetics and the number rods. He also really enjoys the geography section and understands the difference between continents and countries and can identify most of them.
Outside he is very confident on all the jungle gym equipment and can balance on the balance poles, slide down the firemans escape and in general has very good muscle development and coordination for his age group. And apparently he loves learning Zulu, the school has an extra curricular zulu lesson on a Friday afternoon for the primary school children and Elrich has started to attend the lessons and absolutely loves it. Even though he cannot read or write, he joins in all the stories and loves engaging everyone in zulu - I am very happy to hear this as I want him to be fluent in more than two of our official languages (of which we have eleven).
So all in all, a great report for a loveable little boy
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Please, no more training wheels
Mom, it is not fair
I am tired of being a little kid
I want to be a big brother
so I can drive a faster sports car
I am tired of being a little kid
I want to be a big brother
so I can drive a faster sports car
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A revelation
My feelings of loss, disappointment, anger and denial at the failure of our marriage does not really change that much. It is my ability to cope with these feelings that fluctuates. The two things that directly affects my emotional well being is the level of stress I am under, work stress and personal stress and the frequency as well as intensity of contact with Phil.
So in a perfect world, I really should retire in Crete ;-) John is convinced I am not going to want to come back.....
So in a perfect world, I really should retire in Crete ;-) John is convinced I am not going to want to come back.....
Monday, June 16, 2008
The faces of poverty
Today I joined a friend and her mom on a little charity drive to an impoverished white community living in a squatter camp just down the road from us. I so wanted to take photos, but I could not. I just could not invade their private suffering like that. The hollow questions in those light eyes, the children running around in wild abandon.
What was interesting was how well organised the operation was. There is a soup kitchen/delivery area for all donations. Which gets written up in a book, with contact details and a person responsible for the equitable distribution of all the stuff. Clean spaces everywhere between the tents, little fenced of gardens. The homes were tents, corrugated iron shacks, caravans and wooden structures. A ray of hope in the middle of drawn faces, emaciated bodies.
I see poverty on an almost daily basis - seeing white poverty affected me differently. What does that say about me? Is the desperation just so much easier to read in those light eyes? The wrinkles more prominent on a white skin? Is it because it could be me? My family? Does black poverty look different because I dont understand all the cultural nuances and the language is foreign? I am thinking I would like to go back there, armed with a notebook and my camera. I would like to go and capture some of their stories.
What was interesting was how well organised the operation was. There is a soup kitchen/delivery area for all donations. Which gets written up in a book, with contact details and a person responsible for the equitable distribution of all the stuff. Clean spaces everywhere between the tents, little fenced of gardens. The homes were tents, corrugated iron shacks, caravans and wooden structures. A ray of hope in the middle of drawn faces, emaciated bodies.
I see poverty on an almost daily basis - seeing white poverty affected me differently. What does that say about me? Is the desperation just so much easier to read in those light eyes? The wrinkles more prominent on a white skin? Is it because it could be me? My family? Does black poverty look different because I dont understand all the cultural nuances and the language is foreign? I am thinking I would like to go back there, armed with a notebook and my camera. I would like to go and capture some of their stories.
A pyromaniac?
Mom, whispers E
If you do that again, I am going to burn your house down
WTF???
Where does my kid get his ideas from??
If you do that again, I am going to burn your house down
WTF???
Where does my kid get his ideas from??
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Can I move on now?
Please, I am so tired of this rollercoaster
Up and down
Up and down
Yesterday was a very down
Today, at least I have the vision to
do the dishes
take puppies to school
and spend time with John for Fathersday
Maybe tomorrow's charity visit to the impoverished white community living in tents just down the road from me will be a good reality check. A good reminder of how fortunate I really am. How safe and secure and blessed. A warm home, a healthy child, parents that love me. A good job that I enjoy, a man that cares about my wellbeing, the list really is long......
Up and down
Up and down
Yesterday was a very down
Today, at least I have the vision to
do the dishes
take puppies to school
and spend time with John for Fathersday
Maybe tomorrow's charity visit to the impoverished white community living in tents just down the road from me will be a good reality check. A good reminder of how fortunate I really am. How safe and secure and blessed. A warm home, a healthy child, parents that love me. A good job that I enjoy, a man that cares about my wellbeing, the list really is long......
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Oh dear :-(
Today I totally lost my cool with Elrich, he just would not stop farting on my leg and cackling like a lunatic. I screamed at him, shook him and told him that he can be an irritating brat if he wants to. And this was all happening during our supposedly mommie and Elrich time. Trying to work on our letters....I should have just stopped the exercise as he was just all over the place in anycase.
And then I went to pick Phil up to go to the Police station to get them to stamp the letter with his signature giving me permission to take E out of the country, a requirement for our visa applications. And I wished again so badly that this was all different. That the quiet cameradery I still felt between us was because we were really still together. The comfortable conversation we shared, the way he held his kid tightly against his chest.
Tonight I will go to dinner with John, and he will hug me tightly against him and I will hug him back.
And then I went to pick Phil up to go to the Police station to get them to stamp the letter with his signature giving me permission to take E out of the country, a requirement for our visa applications. And I wished again so badly that this was all different. That the quiet cameradery I still felt between us was because we were really still together. The comfortable conversation we shared, the way he held his kid tightly against his chest.
Tonight I will go to dinner with John, and he will hug me tightly against him and I will hug him back.
Monday, June 09, 2008
The Pox
I was slightly irritated with Phil when E came home on Saturday covered in what I thought was mosquito bites. Later that day when I bathed him I noticed little spots on his groin area as well and thought...ok that is it. There must be a flea infestation at 'daddie's big new house' so I covered my kid with Zam-Buk...a tried and tested local herbal ointment that works for everything from chapped lips to insect bites. As I walked into school this morning, near on two hours late....another story all together ;-) I was informed by the school secretary that chicken pox are doing the rounds at school and near on half of E's class had to stay at home. A light dawned on me slowly. So after permission from the school, I dashed of to my meeting at a farming community (80km's north) and dashed back to pick my infected offspring up from school.
Did I mention that I have deadlines stacked the one on top of the other until I leave for my Greek holiday in July?? That E will now spend most probably the next ten days at home with me...... and that everything that went wrong in the house this afternoon got blamed on 'the black circle chicken pox made me do it mom'
Did I mention that I have deadlines stacked the one on top of the other until I leave for my Greek holiday in July?? That E will now spend most probably the next ten days at home with me...... and that everything that went wrong in the house this afternoon got blamed on 'the black circle chicken pox made me do it mom'
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Practically Grosse
E has entered the age of practical jokes. And the more anal they are the funnier he thinks it is
Like farting against your leg
Wagging his penis around and acting like he is going to pee on you
all the while chortling hysterically
Or saying in a sweet nice voice
Mommie please can I kiss you?
Only to give you an Odie lick all across your face
Chewing with his mouth open
Or licking his food like a dog
....and his personal favourite
Blowing his nose without a tissue ;-p
Like farting against your leg
Wagging his penis around and acting like he is going to pee on you
all the while chortling hysterically
Or saying in a sweet nice voice
Mommie please can I kiss you?
Only to give you an Odie lick all across your face
Chewing with his mouth open
Or licking his food like a dog
....and his personal favourite
Blowing his nose without a tissue ;-p
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Maybe just maybe
I am moving on a little bit ;-p
After another week of feeling sore and forelorn and wishing everything was different
I woke up today with a song in my heart
and a glint in my eye
a desire to live and love and be loved
I believe this is kind of a cycle I will probably go through for a while yet to come but I am so fortunate because I have been granted a close friend with big arms and a generous heart to help me through all of this.
After another week of feeling sore and forelorn and wishing everything was different
I woke up today with a song in my heart
and a glint in my eye
a desire to live and love and be loved
I believe this is kind of a cycle I will probably go through for a while yet to come but I am so fortunate because I have been granted a close friend with big arms and a generous heart to help me through all of this.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The mouth of babes ?!
Just as I sat down for one second to relax - yes, on the loo (again)
E comes running in
Wow mom!! he exclaims in wonder
Look at your fat bum!!
He also believes if you eat too many sweets, you will become a baby again. I think that is his reversed logic after I told him he will grow into a big boy if he eats his vegetables, and that sweets is not food
On the way home from school he told me that he will buy some monies and then use it to get us a faster car......no not a faster car mom, a space ship! One with seven fire circles!
On the way to the groceries store, I phoned John to hear how his day went, only to have E take the call over and spend more than 10 minutes on the phone telling John about his day and all the stuff John must remember to do
Like play with him with the lightning McQueen game, buy his mother some flowers, eat dinner with us, bring him a present and so the list goes on. At one stage he even told John to please wait a second, whilst he instructed me on what I needed to buy for dinner ;-)
E comes running in
Wow mom!! he exclaims in wonder
Look at your fat bum!!
He also believes if you eat too many sweets, you will become a baby again. I think that is his reversed logic after I told him he will grow into a big boy if he eats his vegetables, and that sweets is not food
On the way home from school he told me that he will buy some monies and then use it to get us a faster car......no not a faster car mom, a space ship! One with seven fire circles!
On the way to the groceries store, I phoned John to hear how his day went, only to have E take the call over and spend more than 10 minutes on the phone telling John about his day and all the stuff John must remember to do
Like play with him with the lightning McQueen game, buy his mother some flowers, eat dinner with us, bring him a present and so the list goes on. At one stage he even told John to please wait a second, whilst he instructed me on what I needed to buy for dinner ;-)
Monday, May 26, 2008
The madness continues
I just got a seriously big life cover policy that has an income protector and disability build in. They gave me an amazing discount since I am a seeminly healthy educated professional with a purist lifestyle. But after carefull consideration of my personality profile questionnaire they have stipulated that all mental illnesses such as (and I list them)
anxiety,
stress
depression
Fatigue
Chronic fatigue
or (other?)personality disorders
will be excluded for the comprehensive and income protector plan and that I should preferably not visit anymore psychotherapists for at least the next 12 months. I think they are crazy, but i will take the offer as I know I have my madness well under control and only my puppy (and sometimes my child) gets glympses of the mad cackling and crying that goes on in the cottage for the most insignificant of reasons.
anxiety,
stress
depression
Fatigue
Chronic fatigue
or (other?)personality disorders
will be excluded for the comprehensive and income protector plan and that I should preferably not visit anymore psychotherapists for at least the next 12 months. I think they are crazy, but i will take the offer as I know I have my madness well under control and only my puppy (and sometimes my child) gets glympses of the mad cackling and crying that goes on in the cottage for the most insignificant of reasons.
On body parts and other important things
On the way from school this afternoon we stopped for an early dinner/late lunch and e wanted to go to the public bathroom to make a pooh. So I accompanied him on the pretense that I had to go to the loo as well.
This is the converstation we had between the two cubicles (as i am not allowed to watch him)
Mom, you know what...you dont have a penis. Oh no you don't. You have a uhm uhm..what do you have again?
I mumble...No baby I dont have a penis, I have a vagina
What did you say you have mom...comes the near scream over the cubicle wall
I said I have a vagina!
Oh ya oh ya, you dont have a penis, you have a gina
but you know what mom?
What my angel?
You have a bum, a bum just like me. And you pooh out of your bum, but you dont have a penis. Only me have a penis
and Keabewtse, and daddy and John and.........
I am just wondering how many other people are in the bathroom as E mentions all the men in his life
This is the converstation we had between the two cubicles (as i am not allowed to watch him)
Mom, you know what...you dont have a penis. Oh no you don't. You have a uhm uhm..what do you have again?
I mumble...No baby I dont have a penis, I have a vagina
What did you say you have mom...comes the near scream over the cubicle wall
I said I have a vagina!
Oh ya oh ya, you dont have a penis, you have a gina
but you know what mom?
What my angel?
You have a bum, a bum just like me. And you pooh out of your bum, but you dont have a penis. Only me have a penis
and Keabewtse, and daddy and John and.........
I am just wondering how many other people are in the bathroom as E mentions all the men in his life
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Change of plans
At the beginning of this year my goals were basically to
Build my business and buy a house
Those have changed
I am of the hook completely
I dont have to achieve anything this year at all
I am just focussed on finding myself and mothering my son
Yes, the old money clock must tick over but i will just remain in status quo and look after the clients i have and if new business comes round, i wil take it on and work at it. But I am not going to go looking for anything. No active building of anything. Just living and finding out what it feels like to feel again. To not be driven to perfection in everything I do. To sleep in when I can, to loose my temper if I have to. To cry and to love. Even if it is only for today. Because just recently I have been reminded again that tomorrow is never certain. It does not matter if something will not last, we can still love and live today with everything we have for this day. Or this person, today. It is ok.
Build my business and buy a house
Those have changed
I am of the hook completely
I dont have to achieve anything this year at all
I am just focussed on finding myself and mothering my son
Yes, the old money clock must tick over but i will just remain in status quo and look after the clients i have and if new business comes round, i wil take it on and work at it. But I am not going to go looking for anything. No active building of anything. Just living and finding out what it feels like to feel again. To not be driven to perfection in everything I do. To sleep in when I can, to loose my temper if I have to. To cry and to love. Even if it is only for today. Because just recently I have been reminded again that tomorrow is never certain. It does not matter if something will not last, we can still love and live today with everything we have for this day. Or this person, today. It is ok.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The tales my thoughts sometimes tell
I have loved Phil as best I could love him. The love he needed from a woman was different than what I could give. This does not mean that we cannot love well, it just means we love differently. Realising this is helping me to open my heart to accept the love given to me by John. The exact same love I wanted from Phil, and he could not give me.
John wants to nurture and guide, he wants to care and protect, he wants to provide
He wants us to share our dreams
I am scared to let go of this rather safe wall of emotional distance I have build around me. But life is so real and so fragile. It can be lost in a milli-second and I do not want to live the balance of my days in isolation. Too scared to love and be loved again. Too scared to nurture and be nurtured, to protect and be protected by someone that really cares.
I have to trust that this is not an emotional trap, another jail, another place of isolation.
John wants to nurture and guide, he wants to care and protect, he wants to provide
He wants us to share our dreams
I am scared to let go of this rather safe wall of emotional distance I have build around me. But life is so real and so fragile. It can be lost in a milli-second and I do not want to live the balance of my days in isolation. Too scared to love and be loved again. Too scared to nurture and be nurtured, to protect and be protected by someone that really cares.
I have to trust that this is not an emotional trap, another jail, another place of isolation.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Ok, I know
I have issues and fears and am emotionally unstable, I also know that the only thing I can do is to try and keep my integrity in tact whilst I steer through these rather perilous waters.
But when even your four year old looks at you with concern in eyes and says
'Mom, you know what, you are reeaaaly strange'
then maybe, and just maybe
it is cause for concern
But when even your four year old looks at you with concern in eyes and says
'Mom, you know what, you are reeaaaly strange'
then maybe, and just maybe
it is cause for concern
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Our family has grown
So I got approached by a scruffy little puppy, she looked me in the face and told me that she was to come home with me. After serious negotiations with the chief she joined me on the trip home. She responds to the name Puppies ;-) E is crazy about her, even if he did tell me to send her back to where she came from after a particularly wild play session between them. She is a star already with her regal bearing and sharp little mind.
Monday, May 12, 2008
My mother's day
First a little sms,
If I were a thief, I would steal your heart
If I was a poet, a sonnet I'd write
If I was a painter, on canvas I would immortalise you
If I was Elvis, I'd sing you a song
But oom Jannie is none of the above, so he hopes his thoughts will put a smile on your face ;-0
Super Mom, hope you have super day!
Kisses, hugs and Special thoughts
Followed by dinner for E and me at a local family restaurant, flowers, gifts and yes.........;-)
If I were a thief, I would steal your heart
If I was a poet, a sonnet I'd write
If I was a painter, on canvas I would immortalise you
If I was Elvis, I'd sing you a song
But oom Jannie is none of the above, so he hopes his thoughts will put a smile on your face ;-0
Super Mom, hope you have super day!
Kisses, hugs and Special thoughts
Followed by dinner for E and me at a local family restaurant, flowers, gifts and yes.........;-)
Thursday, May 08, 2008
A weekend of mindless relaxation
When the invitation went out to join a pony trek across the Lesotho mountains, I could not respond quick enough. This is a peep into an experience I rate among the best I have ever encountered.
Passing through the Gates of Paradise
The girls all admiring the view - we all traveled together in my truck
First sunrise at Malealea lodge
The ponytrekkers ready for departure. Most of us have never met before this journey and it was surprising how much fun you can have in rural Lesotho with a bunch of complete strangers.
Trekking through the mountains. The surefootedness of these ponies was admirable and I did not feel qualified holding the reins at all, so much the better for taking lots and lots of photos of the breathtaking scenary
The start of a death defying decent ;-p
Ok round about here I closed my eyes ...yes that is my pony's ears in this picture. Her name was Zara and she deserves a medal. The way she measured each carefull step before changing her weight and climbing up and over places I did not even think a mountain goat could go was just amazing
Over the river and up the other side, which was no less scary
At last - lunch break
Seven hours later we reached our destination for the night. A normal functional Basotho village far removed from any major roads or shopping centres. Here the hours are announced by cock crow and starlight. We slept in those two huts visible in the background
Sharing a fire, dinner and drinks with our guides and the local men living in the village. Women are still seen and not heard around here.
The next morning we stretched our weary stiff legs with an hour walk to the Ribaneng waterfall. More breathtaking scenery awaited us around every bend in the mountain
A local mountain goat herder hailing us good morning
The falls in the distance
Our guide, despite the copious amounts of sherry that he consumed the previous night and a body that was just sinews and bones he set a fast rolling gait through the mountains all the time puffing on his homebrewed and rolled cigarette
Passing through the Gates of Paradise
The girls all admiring the view - we all traveled together in my truck
First sunrise at Malealea lodge
The ponytrekkers ready for departure. Most of us have never met before this journey and it was surprising how much fun you can have in rural Lesotho with a bunch of complete strangers.
Trekking through the mountains. The surefootedness of these ponies was admirable and I did not feel qualified holding the reins at all, so much the better for taking lots and lots of photos of the breathtaking scenary
The start of a death defying decent ;-p
Ok round about here I closed my eyes ...yes that is my pony's ears in this picture. Her name was Zara and she deserves a medal. The way she measured each carefull step before changing her weight and climbing up and over places I did not even think a mountain goat could go was just amazing
Over the river and up the other side, which was no less scary
At last - lunch break
Seven hours later we reached our destination for the night. A normal functional Basotho village far removed from any major roads or shopping centres. Here the hours are announced by cock crow and starlight. We slept in those two huts visible in the background
Sharing a fire, dinner and drinks with our guides and the local men living in the village. Women are still seen and not heard around here.
The next morning we stretched our weary stiff legs with an hour walk to the Ribaneng waterfall. More breathtaking scenery awaited us around every bend in the mountain
A local mountain goat herder hailing us good morning
The falls in the distance
Our guide, despite the copious amounts of sherry that he consumed the previous night and a body that was just sinews and bones he set a fast rolling gait through the mountains all the time puffing on his homebrewed and rolled cigarette
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