New Perspective

In my work I come face to face with the beauty and challenges of poverty frequently which serves as a constant reminder of how truly blessed and privilidged I am. Today I started work on a new project, at a missionary in a very poor community about 1.3 hours from my home. After my meeting with the potential benficiaries I was proudly shown to one of the projects. Once I started taking photos with my cellphone I was not allowed to stop until every pupil and her creation got equal attention.

The task was to find whatever flowers and greenery they could and make a flower arrangement. The individuality and creativity evident was mind blowing

A prank a day

My kid loves practical jokes and is always up to something mischievous but his latest favourite is really getting to me.

It all started with me giving him the car keys to get himself in the car and strapped in whilst I pack the groceries. As I closed the passenger door I heard my car beep and lock itself. Could not believe my ears so I put my nose against the driverseat window and looked at E. He was grinning like a maniac.

So I asked him to 'PLEASE OPEN THE CAR', but guess what, he can’t hear me so after the third attempt at asking politely (the rule in our house, I hate it when they turn on you like that), I realise he wants me to repeat silly words after him, in the right order. Silly words like, Lion, Hyena, Pooh, Willy - So here I am standing in a parking lot at a shopping centre, desperately shouting silly words at the darkened windows of a big bakkie, whilst trying the door handle. Looking for all the world like I actually expect the door to open any second now.

Our Mothersday

Was such a fun family day

It started slowly with me sleeping in a little bit, E playing in his room. We then cuddled on the couch and watched a Garfield movie hugging our morning coffee (me) and tea for E.

Around lunch time we fetched John, Nikyle and the bikes, grabbed some take away pizzas from John's restaurant and headed out to the Bicycle park. Nikyle took off with great gusto and E had a couple of meltdowns before he decided that if he just tries hard enough he could actually start the ride without any assistance from his mother. That was enough motivation for me to don the helmet and take my little guy around the beginner trail. He followed very scared but brave on his bike and I looked ridiculous with my jeans and T-shirt on Nikyles bike. Nevermind, it was fun and I am so proud of my little man for following me bravely down rather steep hills, over log bridges and around all kinds of corners. Some of which had a substantial drop if you somehow missed the track. The ride was very slow and we had a couple of spectacular falls but the elation and pride in my little man's face when he finished all of it will be cherished for many years to come.

Oh and not to be outdone by his kid, John strapped the helmet on and took the mountain bike over some rather serious ramps ;-) he did well for even trying to go for it and I think we should put some effort into getting bikes for all of us and enjoying this together as a family.

Mmm what's up?

After running around in mental circles for near to a month, everything inside me has calmed down. I am not sure why or what happened, but inner peace have returned to my life. What a relieve.

Could it be the three days I have spend riding this week? Could it possibly be that simple?

Or was it the two hours I spend talking to Thersia with Adin sleeping on my chest? Maybe the hour I spend today with Phil at Internal Affairs trying to get our divorce registered on the system so he can register his new baby in his name? In my entire life I have never seen a more confused official. She just could not get that I am the ex-wife and that I am there to help Phil register his baby by another woman ;-p Is kindness and goodwill really that rare?

Whatever the cause, I would like to bottle this feeling and keep it in a cupboard somewhere for future usage.

Cultivating Culture

After E and me got seated at a rather snazzy restaurant the maitre'd came up to our table and asked us what we would like to drink. As she looked at me to place the order, I looked at E to give him an opportunity to answer.

His response came in a very responsible adult voice
'Can I have a glass of red wine please' he said with a slight smile, straightening his napkin and looking the rather shocked lady straight in the eye.
I ditto't that and then explained that his red wine is grapetizer, a non alchololic beverage made from red grapes.

Because you see, at our house, we always share a glass of red wine at the dinner table. The ritual dictates that we sit down together, clink our glasses and wish each other bon appetite. Signalling the start of family dinner at my house and one of the most important moments in my day.

The only white at a tea-party

On May-day I had the pleasure to attend a very well organised, high society tea party in celebration of not only a birthday, but also women in general and South African women in particular. It was a fascinating experience.

The tables were set with designer cutlery and crockery, flute wine glasses and delicate little snacks. The women were absolutely beautiful with their exotic looks, from almond shaped hazel eyes to pitch black irisses and skin colours ranging from ebony to milky coffee. Snow white flowing dresses and soft accents, imported scents wafting through the room.

I was the only woman representing the white minority of our country and what was really interesting to me was that the host felt the need to introduce me as 'even though she is white, her soul is that of a black sister, she is my soul's sister'. I keep wondering what that really means. Is it just an acknowledgement that I can hug and kiss my black friends as much as I can any other friends? Does it mean that I don't value people based on skin colour? But black people can be as racist as any other racist group of people and I have often heard them (and at this tea party as well) make slightly derrogatory comments with regards to 'the whities'.

The amazing reality of that morning was to see the strength of our women in action, the believe that if we stand together and work together, we can redefine business in South Africa.

Women in action, in business, changing society and the future for our children.

April 27th - Celebrating Freedom

We just had our fourth free and fair election in South Africa, fifteen years of rule by the ANC, to be continued for at least the next five years and probably for longer still. It was with irony that I read the notice in a well known store that they will be open from 9:00 till 17:00 on the 27th of April, the day this nation will celebrate equality and freedom for all.

One A4 paper summarizing democracy in SA.

White collar workers will be resting; blue collar workers will be working. Freedom was built on the backs of the unemployed and the semi skilled however; the fruits of equal opportunity are enjoyed by the skilled, the educated and the employed. Indeed, a very small percentage of our population. Political freedom has not been translated into personal freedom from the shackles of poverty. Public service delivery is at a stand still. Doctors are striking and toy toying in the streets for better working conditions and higher salaries, our educational system has all but disintegrated. Various towns are suing their local municipalities for breach of contract and are refusing to pay levies and taxes to the local authorities; instead they are setting up trust funds and taking the responsibility on themselves.

The ruling party remains at the steer of our country with the new president having a huge following under the rural people and the unemployed. All eyes are focused to see what will happen next. A charismatic criminal is at the steer of our democracy. Which way will he take us? The optimists feel that his criminal past is no worse than that of any other politician and that we should not overlook the laureate received for peacekeeping, his focus on family and children. His grassroots approach to politics. He has none of the credentials of Mbeki but he is the father of many (a criticism often leveled at our previous president, that he was too academic and did not care about ‘his children’), his number of wives a close kept secret. But monogamy is a western approach and all his marriages are legal under traditional law and an accepted practice in his culture.

I think the next couple of years will be interesting for this little country. South Africa might be on the southern tip of Africa but with the right leadership, we could be a giant in the making. This country has given birth to numerous international thought leaders, we are rich in resources (mineral, cultural and human talent) and with the hosting of the soccer world cup next year we are being ushered into the lime light. Tourism has steadily increased over the last couple of years and with the global economic slump, a significant number of South Africans are returning home, as our economy has largely been protected, with skilled people in short supply.

The trap

Mommy, can I sit on your lap pleeeease....said my kiddo with his best 'I LOVE you sooo much mom' expression

With a melting heart I pick the little guy up and snuggle him close to me. Too late I realise it was just a clever ploy.

An enormous fart explodes on my legs

ahahahahaa...hysterical laughter as he jumps off and hops around on one leg, pointing at my disgusted face.

Celebrating family

Mom and Dad and Nikyle

The whole family
Boys behaving badly ;-)
Today I got to be part of John's extended family. His little kid, Nikyle, turned 10 and we all got to celebrate together. For the first time since his birth, his parents and grandparents were all gathered around a table at John's restaurant for lunch. I made it beautiful and bought the kid a cake. The conversations around the table were varied and easy. No evidence of all the rejection and court cases that lies in the past.

I think that maybe the love and acceptance that have been planted is growing seeds across more families than just mine. I wanted to cry from the beauty of it all. The hug I got from a little kid that tries to be a brave adult at such a tender age. The measured look I could meet from the grandfather that has had to soften with time. Even Nikyle's mom and I shared a tight hug and John could wink at her as they made arrangements for next weekend. And who knows, maybe the invitation to go dancing with them one night might even realise.

Elrich - The Party Animal

Dancing the night away at the wedding, his pants are dusty because of amazing breakdance moves he had going on the floor before I could get hold of my camera

Elrich - The poster boy

I took one photo of the little man playing on the sand, he noticed and started with his own sequence of poses which I captured on film. We could have filled many rolls that day but I told him enough after about 10 shots

Capturing the magic

Introducing Adin

So we went yesterday to welcome the new baby into the family. I was very teary before we left but John came with and by the time we got to the hostipal (as E says) I was ok. E bought his brother a little present and wrote him a little card. Unfortunately I did not take a picture of the little letter but it read 'hady birth Adin, Elrich' in this beautiful scrawl all across the paper.

E was a bit shy with all the attention and people but I think he will be fine and he is very proud to at long last be a big brother.

I am ok, I am just really more confused than ever.

Ok I will admit it

The pending birth of the new baby is really messing with my emotions
I keep thinking
Why could we not have this?
How is what he has now, so much better than what we had as a couple?

I know the answer to that is probably
that it is not better at all
but that I am better of with what I have now
as I am not an emotionally isolated wife
waiting for her husband to come home

but still
this is hurting me

A little taste of things to come

The lunch we enjoyed at a very nice trendy 'in a surfside sort of way' restaurant at Jeffreys bay - I know the place is trendy as every second table spoke a different language. A clear confirmation of the promise made by the information booklet we all probably read. Just a pity that the setting and the presentation was the best part of the meal.

One of the colourless beach images I took, this one was just with my cellphone to send of to my parents. A truly magical afternoon at one of the most beautiful beaches I have ever had the priviledge to visit.

Travelling as a single mom

This trip has been a spiritual journey for me. Through untouched wilderness, wild mind maps and mostly unchartered emotional territory. I have learned that I can cope with all kinds of challenges, from driving on roads about which seasoned men talk in hushed tones to being the only unattached female at a formal wedding dinner. I think the dinner was more intimidating than all the road trips and isolated landscapes strung together.

Getting ready and dressing up, first myself and then my dashing five year old companion, the fear that I look like something the cat dragged in as I walked through the door. Reading the appreciation in the eyes of men not my partner, the sidling up to husbands of wives, irritation at this oddity clearly evident on their faces. I was so carefull to only talk to males when they addressed me first, a difficult task for me as I grew up a tomboy and am so used to work in a male dominated industry that I relate to men far easier than women in the best of circumstances. But that said, the wedding was absolutely beautiful - a celebration from the heart.

I left the wedding feeling very sad and forelorn, I think watching all the families celebrating together increased the yearning in myself to belong to a safe little unit. At the beach were we stayed I took reels of photos - who knew that colourless sand and surf could be so magical? My kid is loving the holiday and he is making friends easier than I could ever do. But I think we are getting ready to return home. We are both missing the puppies and more familiar routine of home life. Just a couple more days in the Tsitsikama and then the long trip back to the crazy life of Gauteng.

Going on a road trip

My bestest friend from childhood is getting married on the 4th of April, mind you now that I think about it. All my close friends chose April for their weddings. It must be the magic of the season, warm sultry days, changing colours of nature and the refreshing evenings.

To celebrate this wedding, Elrich and myself are going on holiday. To the most magical of provinces in South Africa - the Eastern Cape. Scarcely populated, unspoilt wilderness, blue skies and mesmerizing star gazing. The wedding is on a farm close to Steytlerville (I had to look that up on the roadmap to even get an inkling of an idea of where we will find ourselves.

I have decided to take a slow trip down and will start the drive on Sunday. Our first planned stay over is the Baviaanskloof Lodge, where we will be from Tuesday to Friday. I have heard so much about the Baviaanskloof and am really looking forward to discover the beauty of this wilderness area. On Friday we are of to the wedding venue where we will share accommodation with other wedding guests and party till the early hours of the night. Funny story, I decided that one of the dresses in my cupboard will do just fine but needed a scarf/shawl for around my shoulders, so I took it of to a nice dress shop and requested some assistance. The floor attendant was just too happy to have me parade in my dress, bare feet and pony tail to choose the perfect accessory for the big day. Had me giggling and reminded me of the fashion shows I gave Stephan when I was finding my new me after the divorce.

After the wedding we will be staying in a cottage on the beachfront in an isolated little town called Oysterbay. John might join us for a day or two there after which we are of to Stormsriver and then via Oudtshoorn (Ostrich farms and Congo Caves) back home. Just in time to miss the mass migration back to work after the Easter long weekend.

A well deserved break I think, even if my computer has to come with me.

It was just another morning

Waking up together
rushing around to get ready
quickly grab breakfast

Phew...we are on time
out the door
on the way
to work
then

Annihilation

Game Over

The stakes: The land and livelihood of your forefathers

When you do business in Africa you must abide by the rules of the land. The rules that forbid the disturbance of the peace and beauty of the soil your forefathers ruled for ions. This is a challenge when western money wants to rape the beauty to get to the heart of the minerals that make everyone rich.

Everyone, but the cow herder that watches and waits.

It is here were traditions meet foreign customs.
Where accents and ceremonies collide
The slaughter of a cow to appease the gods
And safe the lives of the innocent
Rhythmic beating of Njembe drums
Ululating voices
White foreign faces in fire light

And just sometimes the coffee coloured eyes
Of a village boy
Shaking hands with the foreigner
Spanning the bridge
Risking his inheritance
For himself?
Or the future of his family?
Ahh the tension
‘she is tangible my darling, tangible’
But if you promise us and you do not deliver
Your house and family will burn
Burn
Burn
Because in this village you were born

We have dug your graves with you
Celebrated your births
Slaughtered your cows
So we watch
And we wait
To see

E's birthday ring

Look at mom's big boy;-) Photos taken at his birthday ring in class on Friday




Oh and I priced a good digital camera today......yikes, that is a little trip that will put me back a rand or two ;-)

In a circle

We are all gathered in Phil's backyard, celebrating our fifth birthday. All the extended family members are there. I am catching up with the brothers, the parents, Thersia's parents and old friends. Even Nikyle has fitted right in. It is slightly weird and my friend (since school), just shakes her head in disbelieve. I have to agree, it is a very strange set up and somehow it has gelled into an extended family, with brothers, sisters and three sets of grand parents. Cousins that used to be friends, and little sisters that are now stepmothers. It is just funny to be with the same people I have shared these celebrations with for the last 15 years, but everyone's roles are different.

The little man himself had a wonderful day and he kept thanking me for the nice party, the ice cream cake, all the presents and having his friends around. Elrich at five is a funny little boy that is full of practical jokes, has a temper that flares for the smallest of injustice (in his opinion) and knows how to changes the rules of every game to ensure he wins. From a slow talker he has grown into a confident little kid that can hold a conversation on most things and has a keen interest in all things mechanical, especially those with engines and the faster the better. His favourite past time is games, whether they are on the pc, play station, board games or cards, you can be sure he will be a keen participant in all of them. Balls and ballgames are still a firm favourite and it is fun watching him dribble and kick goalies at soccer practice. To my relief all the years of swimming classes has started to pay of and he dives into and swims around in the pool with confidence.

His eminent status as a big brother has raised his levels of importance to a point where he really do not need mom's assistance anymore ;-) Even though this year is exciting and I really enjoy sharing more experiences with my son, I do feel as if the baby years has just passed too quickly. Fortunately cuddles are still good and we love to snuggle up in bed to read stories or in front of the Tv to watch a favourite show

Psychotic psychedelic

A distorted reality
Of dreams
Fears
Memories
And future...fantasy?

Where does the reality begin
And the past end?
How to make sense
In a world of no(n)-sense*?

*Sense
An ability
To feel
Or not?

Family update then

Sad news is that my dad, who has been cancer free for ten years, must go for a colonoscopy next week as they have picked up some irregularities in his colon. It was always the area that we had to watch carefully. And his one heart valve is not working properly so we are just a bit worried about that enlarged chamber, the bloodpressure and now the additional tests. I can't even really think about it.

Meanwhile my kid has learned how to be sarcastic, chirping from the backseat on Sunday afternoon when we drove out of the airport. Gee thanks mom, thanks for driving out of here now, look it is dark outside and I asked you, I asked you, to not stay here until it is dark. I am hungry, we must stop at a restaurant to get something to eat. That got E and John into a big debate about restaurant food vs. food we have ready at home. And then we got caught in the roadworks and the little man fell asleep, still complaining about his tummy feeling hungry.

I cannot believe how much this kid has grown, all his clothes from the previous winter is too small for him. I will have to buy a whole new winter cupboard.

A year later

and I am ready to give John a flower in a handpainted vase with the following little message

Dear John
Lol, this is not a 'Dear John' letter
just a little note to say that
your patience, kindness and love
are teaching me to trust again
to believe in other people
to feel desires and fears
I thought would never surface again
Love
M

Now, the boy does not get an A for romance, but he does know how to take care of me and things in general. Like spending his whole Saturday morning putting four new tires on my 4x4 and taking the truck for a wheel alignment - 'because baby, for you I will killa da bull'

On love, boys and pink

Mom, you know what
I remember when I was a baby
You and daddy were loved
you lived together and you were loved

Boys wants to be cool
they are hero's and cool
Girls are princesses and wants to be loved

Mom, I want to sleep in your bed tonight
cause I love you and I want to be with you
One day when I am a daddy, you will be loved

Lots of daddies can ride bikes, but when they are old
they can't do it anymore.

As I am sitting in the far right lane in peak traffic this afternoon, E requests to go to 'our' pizza shop. A little place run by a mom and daughter team that have looked after me the last three years, like i am an adopted daughter. So I started to change lanes, keeping an eye on the minibus taxis (you have to live here to really understand what that means) and sneaking left into the turnoff way after the slipway. Just to be complimented from the back - Good job mom, that was really good. Good girl. Lol, maybe I have brainwashed my kid ;-p

My kid has just grown so tall all of a sudden, and matured. Things that were difficult only a short while ago are now done in passing. I find it hard to believe he will be five years old in another weeks time.

On waffles and more

E and me went for breakfast this morning at the Mugg and Beann, where he insisted on eating a waffle with syrup. My motherly need for proper nutrition could quite simply not allow that, so I tried to convince him that the french toast with cheese and maple syrup are almost the same.

But mom, if they are the same, then why can I not have the waffles with syrup? Uhmmm....why not? My response was the oldest negotiating trick in the book. Divert his attention and convince him based on the funky name of the kiddies breakfast.

This kid's ability to reason logically has left me searching for words more than once now, and believe me that is no mean feat ;-)

1984

No more privacy?

Come visit me in my little cottage ;-) Google earth images taken in the winter of 2007.

And no, those are not mysterious alien crop circles, it is arenas, for riding horses in. Last I heard, was that in the area I live in, there were more horses a square km than people and dogs combined.

A little gem

I found this tucked away in the pages of a book

You only make a decision once, thereafter you just manage it daily.

So true, once you have decided on something you do not have to make that decision again. Just manage your actions to be aligned to the decision. I think sometimes we think we need to make the same decision over and over, but we don't really.

My one orchid is flowering, it is a bit early for her to do that. I am very excited.

A crazy scary day

This day started with a phonecall at 6:00 am

My kid only got to school at 9:30 and on the way there he wanted to know what was wrong with me so I told him my tummy is very scared because I am nervous about some stuff. He promptly got hold of the cd wallet and fished out some classical music for the trip 'cause it will relax my tummy and then I do not have to think about the scary stuff anymore ;-)

It worked.

He told me that just sometimes his tummy also get scared when he has to sit on the green chair at school. But you know what mom, I have a machine tummy that eats food and makes pooh all of the time.

Admitting defeat

mom, why does petrol and diesel make cars go?

aahheem because, remember how we watched the fire burning the wood in the steam engine and the steam gave the train energy to move forward? The diesel and petrol is the same, it ignites and burns in the engine and then it gives the car energy to go forward (I think - I whispered silently to myself)

Is there a fire in the engine mom?!! very excited response from the back

uh ehh no, my boy - I suppose it is more like a little explosion of gas then

an EXPLOSION!! wow -

uuhhhh welll, mmm

Then mom, tell me, how does rockets explode into space??

Well, you know what, I really dont know. Who do you think we can ask?

From here and there

Firstly, a disturbing sight was documented on my washing line the other day

What, might you ask, is so disturbing about t-shirts on a washing line? Well, let me tell you, two of those shirts are for me and two of them are for E...that is what. Can you tell?

Then, we celebrated a birthday this weekend. As I had no time to even think about what to buy for the loved one, I just carted the whole fandamaly (including mom visiting from Crete) to a private game farm an hour down the road. And believe it or not, I forgot my camera ;-p Yip, been working too much again. But I did manage to capture these two photos with my cellphone. From the deck of our private lodge - where we even had a heated splash pool for our enjoyment



It was a really enjoyable weekend, we saw lots of animals and there were a herd of tame Eland that basically walked between the people like housepets. Even the one giraffe came really close to investigate. Definately a place to return to and with bicycles next time as the whole reserve is marked with cycling trails.

And then the house is in the start of transforming to something less than a storage room - from this



To this - at least we have a mirror and TV Cabinent, the couch will be delivered in February ;-)

Once that is done I can start on the office side of things and pretty the place up a bit with some strategically placed decorative items. I am thinking a big burnt orange vase standing in the corner under the mirror with some interesting grasses and stuff in it.

It is a strange place

Last year I wanted to grow my business
and it was status quo for most the year

This year I want balance
and now I have a list of new clients
all screaming for attention at once

How to keep to my resolutions??

First day back in school

On our way to school this morning E told me he does not want to go to school anymore. So I asked him why and he answered that he only knows how to ride his bike and he does not know all his letters and numbers. He was worried that he could not know everything perfectly and that Keabewtse will tease him because of it. I never realised this, he always said he loved working with Keabets but this morning it came out that he would rather the teachers teach him and help him more. I am so glad the older friend has gone of to big school and E will be one of the bigger kids in the class. It is a problem when you are part of the big kids group and you are two years younger, you just dont know everything as well as they do.

I think this year will be a good one for the little guy

Magic everywhere

We just have to look through the eyes of a child
E and me were sitting together on my patio steps the other day
when he got really excited about the magical rainbow that appears in the clouds above us, all we had to do was close our eyes really tight,
look up at the clouds and then open
and wow - a rainbow will be there for a couple of seconds
It was beautiful
and the excitement...intoxicating

Oh

and my TV cabinet arrived,

it is beautiful - solid mahogany and both E and me loves it.
E's comment was, wow mom, now our house looks so much neater
sometimes i cannot believe the things he comes up with

funny little story
we went to visit my good friend Jen yesterday
and went for an unplanned swim in her pool and as I came out of her house with her borrowed bikini, my little boy looked up from the pool and said in a very loud voice
Mom, you look sooo beautifulll
melted heart right there ;-)

the kid is going to be a dangerous womaniser in a couple of years

For 2009

I have one resolution

To make memories, beautiful memories
for me, my son, my family,
and yes,
with John

Moving Inn

yes, up to now I have kind of lived in rented accommodation. A roof over our heads, a place to work, sleep and while away hours.

Inside of me a desire, a pressure, has been building for a home. A cozy place of refuge, a quiet little 'me' place. I started searching the For Sale boards. Checking out property websites. Devising plans for how I could afford this little nest. Then I realised. I have everything I need right here, I just need to move into it. I need to make me a home right where I am staying. It is perfect. Somebody else takes care of everything, all I have to do is live here. No added stress, nothing.

So I bought Stephan some breakfast (E's godfater and Phil's younger brother) and dragged him all over town with me. To find a couch and a TV cabinent (yes, we have been sitting on the floor and then later on funny looking garden chairs and the TV stands on the floor). He accompanied me with the patience of a saint. From one shop to the next, across town and back. And this on his holiday. But I got what I liked. To be delivered soon. I will post before and after piccies in the near future.

Stephan's advice and patience and general interest in my wellbeing was a soothing balm on my spiky nerves. He has a true artists eye combined with a practicality and feel for life like few other people I know. I have to say 'thank you'. What was interesting though, was how everybody just assumed we were a couple.

Back from our little break

A whirlwind December left no time to gather my thoughts, feelings or christmas presents for that matter. Until the last moment, when I shopped, wrapped and packed the car all in a couple of hours. To go for our much anticipated week long holiday in the Drakensberg mountains. Where it was beautiful, lush green, quiet and best of all - no cellphone reception. So we rested and ate and drank and then did it all over again.

A couple of milestones for everyone;
E learned to ride his bike without the side wheels

John and Nikyle joined us from Christmas day until the weekend, the first time the two of them have spend christmas together, as well as, the first time they have gone away together.

And no less, the first time we have joined forces as a family with my parents, E, me,John and Nikyle

It worked out well and we all had a good time....even the two boys had fun together.

Gold Medal Mom

Sorry, No it was not your name we called out mam

I did not really think so

On Wednesday night I was so tired
My kid ate Strawberry rice krispies for dinner
In front of the TV
Then he sat watching cartoons
until he fetched his pillow
and fell asleep on the cold hard tile floor

I was sitting next to him
furiously typing on my computer
trying to make the deadline
I am still working on

The one that has had me cancel my weekend camping trip
with my little boy
to rather spend it
working some more and more and more
Fortunately E will not know that
as he is going fishing with his dad tomorrow
and on Sunday
we will drive down to Ouma and Oupa far away
to celebrate

40 Years of Marriage
together, happy and still in love

It is all about choices, I know

So when faced with this new dilemma in my life called Elrich's baby brother, it was time for introspection again. When I got over the fact that I was the one that wanted another kid, and now Phil is going to have another one - what did I say about my perception that he is living our/my dreams? Incidentally, he never bought that property (but I am getting sidetracked here)

How to approach this? What do I want? Are we going to be awkward about this for the rest of our lives, how will we (Elrich and me and Phil and Thersia, because face it, she is part of this family now as well) deal with this baby brother?

Oi

Then the opportunity was created, in no other place than the local Medical clinic. Where I spend all of Thursday with the doctors, trying to figure out exactly what was brewing in my brain. As I emerged from the physio therapist, I got a weak little hello from just behind my left shoulder. And who was sitting there sheepishly? None other than Phil. Yes, he was sick as well, similar symptoms as me, but not quite as severe and not as whacky, except that he had a rash to add to his ailments (getting side tracked again…maybe my brain did get infected?) so we exchanged a couple of words and I went down to the pharmacy to pick up my script and there we talked some more. So much so that I suggested we sit down for a cup of coffee at a local restaurant.

We talked about this, and that, some business and so on. And right at the end I told him that I want him to know that I have thought about this baby and him and Thersia and I have decided that they are all welcome in my house. That we will just be an extended family, that I want E to grow up with his brother, that we must be comfortable going to the kiddies birthday parties and that I know they are not a match made in heaven. But that I wish them happiness in any case and whether they are together as a couple going forward or not, his kid(s) will still be welcome in my house. And that I want us to create as normal and loving environment as possible for all the children involved. He agreed with me, which is not surprising as he has always agreed with me ;-) but he did make one additional gesture, he invited me to Thersia’s birthday party the 20^th of December at his house, which will double as a Christmas party for the family and family friends and all the children. So I accepted. And then today when they came to fetch E, they dropped a poster counting down the days to the birth of the little tyke – due date 16^th of April. I will mount it in E’s room and dutifully stick stickers on it.

For the life of me, I cannot remember the little guy’s name, but it does sound something like Dolphin but spelled along the lines of Dhaol Finn (really not sure about the spelling as Phil did it over the phone and by that stage I was trying to not burst out laughing)

Fun with words

Mom, it is ok - I am licking the leaking milk.....hehehehe licking the leaking milk

I loved listening to him tasting the words in his mouth. His fascination with the similar sounds and the different meanings. Repeating the same phrase over and over.

Clearing out the stockpile

Whilst in a workshop with one of my clients today she got called out to an emergency meeting. Only to rush back half an hour later, flushed and flustered. The whole operation will be closing down for four months. No production, no work....for more than a thousand people. The reason, their international market has slowed down so much that their stockpile of product has become a white elephant which must be moved before production can be continued. This is a mine with a lifespan of a further 30 years, one in which we, just minutes before, were discussing the recruitment ramp up, we thought was planned for next year.

A thousand lives, just before christmas, from all over Southern Africa. All the strategies and plans for development and economic stimulation are just that. Plans and strategies.....hopefully they will not gather dust in file thirteen.

It is confirmed

E is going to become a big brother. The new baby boy will be born in April.

I am still giggling about this. I cannot help but remember the sessions we had in marriage councelling where Phil very clearly stated that he just does not feel like the commitments of fatherhood and why should he sacrifice his immediate carnal desires to be a loving and supportive husband? How could his wife expect that of him?

I have it on good authority that nothing has changed. That he still runs away from wife and house on a regular basis. That he has told the girlfriend that he just needs to get away from her and everything a bit every now and again. To hang out with his mates at odd places and do things he never talks to anyone about. I am so glad/relieved/ elated that I am not part of that crazy ride. I do feel sorry for the girlfriend though.

I wonder how E will react to the news, when his father plucks up the courage to tell him. He has to do it and soon, I am sure reference will be made more and more often to the new baby... and besides, the girl is very obviously pregnant.

Mom, is your heart angry or sad ?

Babes, my heart is nothing

What do you mean your heart is nothing?
How can your heart be nothing?
If your heart is nothing, then you are nothing
and then I do not have a mom!

What kind of work?

Teeaaam work....that is the moto in our little house. E helps me by setting the table, washing up (sometimes), cleaning his room (tidy, vacuum and mop ;-) and looking after himself aka dressing, bathing, brushing and wiping. I know the quality control is sometimes lacking, but hey...we will get there.

A couple of action shots

Getting all ready at the cycle race the other day

Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)


And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.


What a shot!

A southern perspective

I cannot help myself. I find the current political regime in the US of A amusing. Africa was always the deep dark black continent. A hole in the map. Even academics in the North tend to group all of us together....as Africa. Heck, even South Africans are guilty of this referral to Africa as a homogenous continent. With just one fate; oblivion, mass poverty and corruption.

And now, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, hails from Africa. With roots outside western dogma, western religion and a western mind set. Yes, he is American. I do not doubt that for a second. But still - he is not as American as the previous regime. He at least knows that Africa is a continent and not a country.

But not only that, now I really can laugh at racist comments in SA. People criticizing the South African government based on the racial make up will have to think twice. Further, the bar has been raised for our government. No longer is it ok to hide behind their race either. There is a man walking in the front, a man obviously different looking from his predecessors. A man not part of the family of presidents that went before him. A fresh breath. I wonder what that will mean for foreign policy, xenophobia in America, tolerance of difference. But I also wonder if he will live to see through his term. If he will have the support and strength of character to unite a divided nation. To catch that ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (nation?)

So mom, tell me

how are you today?

Is what my little guy wanted to know on the way home from school. So I told him I am absolutely splendid. I am healthy, I am with him and everything looks nice to me. And how are you my boy?

I am terrible, he says

Oh, why ever then?

Because Manno just cries at school and eats food from the floor and that is just disgusting. I dont want anybody to be friends with him.

I feel like curling up

and crying my heart out.

Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê

This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me

The greek philosopher retained his sense of humour

and told me last night that his new slogan is

If you are alive, why worry about it?

It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'

mmmm Yes please

For nearly a year I have been a rather recalcitrant and sometimes reluctant girlfriend. Most of our disagreements and moments have been because I push him away from me emotionally. But now, he is lying in ICU in hospital, seriously sick from a surprise heart attack and all I want to do is curl up on his lap and feel him stroke my hair. Kissing my brow, telling me that if we just enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

A couple of firsts

Today E participated in the 3 - 4 year old category for the Pick A Pay Cycle race and it was very 'scary' and 'exciting' all at once. After looking forward to it for the whole week and sitting on his bicycle ready to go from 8 this morning, we nearly left the starting point as he was just too overwhelmed by the crowd and the atmosphere to continue. Some reassurance and a promise I will hold him all the way and we were ready to roll. It went surprisingly well. We did not fall off or bump into anyone and did not get bumped into either. And he made it all the way to the end to get his medal, juice and chocolate.

Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p

Like a sponge they say

I know that a young child's mind is like a sponge, absorbing everything around them and more often than not, they learn the stuff you don't want them to know, long before they learn what you are trying to teach them.

We have been working on and off on letter recognition for a while now and I must admit, not with much success. E seems to recognise certain words easily but not all the letters consistently in an alphabetical or any random order for that matter. He loves playing the I-spie game though and are really good at coming up with different words that start with the same letter. Lately he has been asking me to read labels and names of things to him and I have invited him to read it with me. To great success.

A while ago I bought a couple of first level reader books for E but we have never had the opportunity to work through them and tonight I decided to pull the little first level book from the shelve and encouraged E to read it to me. Which he did. I must admit, I am quite surprised but also very very proud of the little man.

Knotted up

I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.