E's birthday ring

Look at mom's big boy;-) Photos taken at his birthday ring in class on Friday




Oh and I priced a good digital camera today......yikes, that is a little trip that will put me back a rand or two ;-)

In a circle

We are all gathered in Phil's backyard, celebrating our fifth birthday. All the extended family members are there. I am catching up with the brothers, the parents, Thersia's parents and old friends. Even Nikyle has fitted right in. It is slightly weird and my friend (since school), just shakes her head in disbelieve. I have to agree, it is a very strange set up and somehow it has gelled into an extended family, with brothers, sisters and three sets of grand parents. Cousins that used to be friends, and little sisters that are now stepmothers. It is just funny to be with the same people I have shared these celebrations with for the last 15 years, but everyone's roles are different.

The little man himself had a wonderful day and he kept thanking me for the nice party, the ice cream cake, all the presents and having his friends around. Elrich at five is a funny little boy that is full of practical jokes, has a temper that flares for the smallest of injustice (in his opinion) and knows how to changes the rules of every game to ensure he wins. From a slow talker he has grown into a confident little kid that can hold a conversation on most things and has a keen interest in all things mechanical, especially those with engines and the faster the better. His favourite past time is games, whether they are on the pc, play station, board games or cards, you can be sure he will be a keen participant in all of them. Balls and ballgames are still a firm favourite and it is fun watching him dribble and kick goalies at soccer practice. To my relief all the years of swimming classes has started to pay of and he dives into and swims around in the pool with confidence.

His eminent status as a big brother has raised his levels of importance to a point where he really do not need mom's assistance anymore ;-) Even though this year is exciting and I really enjoy sharing more experiences with my son, I do feel as if the baby years has just passed too quickly. Fortunately cuddles are still good and we love to snuggle up in bed to read stories or in front of the Tv to watch a favourite show

Psychotic psychedelic

A distorted reality
Of dreams
Fears
Memories
And future...fantasy?

Where does the reality begin
And the past end?
How to make sense
In a world of no(n)-sense*?

*Sense
An ability
To feel
Or not?

Family update then

Sad news is that my dad, who has been cancer free for ten years, must go for a colonoscopy next week as they have picked up some irregularities in his colon. It was always the area that we had to watch carefully. And his one heart valve is not working properly so we are just a bit worried about that enlarged chamber, the bloodpressure and now the additional tests. I can't even really think about it.

Meanwhile my kid has learned how to be sarcastic, chirping from the backseat on Sunday afternoon when we drove out of the airport. Gee thanks mom, thanks for driving out of here now, look it is dark outside and I asked you, I asked you, to not stay here until it is dark. I am hungry, we must stop at a restaurant to get something to eat. That got E and John into a big debate about restaurant food vs. food we have ready at home. And then we got caught in the roadworks and the little man fell asleep, still complaining about his tummy feeling hungry.

I cannot believe how much this kid has grown, all his clothes from the previous winter is too small for him. I will have to buy a whole new winter cupboard.

A year later

and I am ready to give John a flower in a handpainted vase with the following little message

Dear John
Lol, this is not a 'Dear John' letter
just a little note to say that
your patience, kindness and love
are teaching me to trust again
to believe in other people
to feel desires and fears
I thought would never surface again
Love
M

Now, the boy does not get an A for romance, but he does know how to take care of me and things in general. Like spending his whole Saturday morning putting four new tires on my 4x4 and taking the truck for a wheel alignment - 'because baby, for you I will killa da bull'

On love, boys and pink

Mom, you know what
I remember when I was a baby
You and daddy were loved
you lived together and you were loved

Boys wants to be cool
they are hero's and cool
Girls are princesses and wants to be loved

Mom, I want to sleep in your bed tonight
cause I love you and I want to be with you
One day when I am a daddy, you will be loved

Lots of daddies can ride bikes, but when they are old
they can't do it anymore.

As I am sitting in the far right lane in peak traffic this afternoon, E requests to go to 'our' pizza shop. A little place run by a mom and daughter team that have looked after me the last three years, like i am an adopted daughter. So I started to change lanes, keeping an eye on the minibus taxis (you have to live here to really understand what that means) and sneaking left into the turnoff way after the slipway. Just to be complimented from the back - Good job mom, that was really good. Good girl. Lol, maybe I have brainwashed my kid ;-p

My kid has just grown so tall all of a sudden, and matured. Things that were difficult only a short while ago are now done in passing. I find it hard to believe he will be five years old in another weeks time.

On waffles and more

E and me went for breakfast this morning at the Mugg and Beann, where he insisted on eating a waffle with syrup. My motherly need for proper nutrition could quite simply not allow that, so I tried to convince him that the french toast with cheese and maple syrup are almost the same.

But mom, if they are the same, then why can I not have the waffles with syrup? Uhmmm....why not? My response was the oldest negotiating trick in the book. Divert his attention and convince him based on the funky name of the kiddies breakfast.

This kid's ability to reason logically has left me searching for words more than once now, and believe me that is no mean feat ;-)

1984

No more privacy?

Come visit me in my little cottage ;-) Google earth images taken in the winter of 2007.

And no, those are not mysterious alien crop circles, it is arenas, for riding horses in. Last I heard, was that in the area I live in, there were more horses a square km than people and dogs combined.

A little gem

I found this tucked away in the pages of a book

You only make a decision once, thereafter you just manage it daily.

So true, once you have decided on something you do not have to make that decision again. Just manage your actions to be aligned to the decision. I think sometimes we think we need to make the same decision over and over, but we don't really.

My one orchid is flowering, it is a bit early for her to do that. I am very excited.

A crazy scary day

This day started with a phonecall at 6:00 am

My kid only got to school at 9:30 and on the way there he wanted to know what was wrong with me so I told him my tummy is very scared because I am nervous about some stuff. He promptly got hold of the cd wallet and fished out some classical music for the trip 'cause it will relax my tummy and then I do not have to think about the scary stuff anymore ;-)

It worked.

He told me that just sometimes his tummy also get scared when he has to sit on the green chair at school. But you know what mom, I have a machine tummy that eats food and makes pooh all of the time.

Admitting defeat

mom, why does petrol and diesel make cars go?

aahheem because, remember how we watched the fire burning the wood in the steam engine and the steam gave the train energy to move forward? The diesel and petrol is the same, it ignites and burns in the engine and then it gives the car energy to go forward (I think - I whispered silently to myself)

Is there a fire in the engine mom?!! very excited response from the back

uh ehh no, my boy - I suppose it is more like a little explosion of gas then

an EXPLOSION!! wow -

uuhhhh welll, mmm

Then mom, tell me, how does rockets explode into space??

Well, you know what, I really dont know. Who do you think we can ask?

From here and there

Firstly, a disturbing sight was documented on my washing line the other day

What, might you ask, is so disturbing about t-shirts on a washing line? Well, let me tell you, two of those shirts are for me and two of them are for E...that is what. Can you tell?

Then, we celebrated a birthday this weekend. As I had no time to even think about what to buy for the loved one, I just carted the whole fandamaly (including mom visiting from Crete) to a private game farm an hour down the road. And believe it or not, I forgot my camera ;-p Yip, been working too much again. But I did manage to capture these two photos with my cellphone. From the deck of our private lodge - where we even had a heated splash pool for our enjoyment



It was a really enjoyable weekend, we saw lots of animals and there were a herd of tame Eland that basically walked between the people like housepets. Even the one giraffe came really close to investigate. Definately a place to return to and with bicycles next time as the whole reserve is marked with cycling trails.

And then the house is in the start of transforming to something less than a storage room - from this



To this - at least we have a mirror and TV Cabinent, the couch will be delivered in February ;-)

Once that is done I can start on the office side of things and pretty the place up a bit with some strategically placed decorative items. I am thinking a big burnt orange vase standing in the corner under the mirror with some interesting grasses and stuff in it.

It is a strange place

Last year I wanted to grow my business
and it was status quo for most the year

This year I want balance
and now I have a list of new clients
all screaming for attention at once

How to keep to my resolutions??

First day back in school

On our way to school this morning E told me he does not want to go to school anymore. So I asked him why and he answered that he only knows how to ride his bike and he does not know all his letters and numbers. He was worried that he could not know everything perfectly and that Keabewtse will tease him because of it. I never realised this, he always said he loved working with Keabets but this morning it came out that he would rather the teachers teach him and help him more. I am so glad the older friend has gone of to big school and E will be one of the bigger kids in the class. It is a problem when you are part of the big kids group and you are two years younger, you just dont know everything as well as they do.

I think this year will be a good one for the little guy

Magic everywhere

We just have to look through the eyes of a child
E and me were sitting together on my patio steps the other day
when he got really excited about the magical rainbow that appears in the clouds above us, all we had to do was close our eyes really tight,
look up at the clouds and then open
and wow - a rainbow will be there for a couple of seconds
It was beautiful
and the excitement...intoxicating

Oh

and my TV cabinet arrived,

it is beautiful - solid mahogany and both E and me loves it.
E's comment was, wow mom, now our house looks so much neater
sometimes i cannot believe the things he comes up with

funny little story
we went to visit my good friend Jen yesterday
and went for an unplanned swim in her pool and as I came out of her house with her borrowed bikini, my little boy looked up from the pool and said in a very loud voice
Mom, you look sooo beautifulll
melted heart right there ;-)

the kid is going to be a dangerous womaniser in a couple of years

For 2009

I have one resolution

To make memories, beautiful memories
for me, my son, my family,
and yes,
with John

Moving Inn

yes, up to now I have kind of lived in rented accommodation. A roof over our heads, a place to work, sleep and while away hours.

Inside of me a desire, a pressure, has been building for a home. A cozy place of refuge, a quiet little 'me' place. I started searching the For Sale boards. Checking out property websites. Devising plans for how I could afford this little nest. Then I realised. I have everything I need right here, I just need to move into it. I need to make me a home right where I am staying. It is perfect. Somebody else takes care of everything, all I have to do is live here. No added stress, nothing.

So I bought Stephan some breakfast (E's godfater and Phil's younger brother) and dragged him all over town with me. To find a couch and a TV cabinent (yes, we have been sitting on the floor and then later on funny looking garden chairs and the TV stands on the floor). He accompanied me with the patience of a saint. From one shop to the next, across town and back. And this on his holiday. But I got what I liked. To be delivered soon. I will post before and after piccies in the near future.

Stephan's advice and patience and general interest in my wellbeing was a soothing balm on my spiky nerves. He has a true artists eye combined with a practicality and feel for life like few other people I know. I have to say 'thank you'. What was interesting though, was how everybody just assumed we were a couple.

Back from our little break

A whirlwind December left no time to gather my thoughts, feelings or christmas presents for that matter. Until the last moment, when I shopped, wrapped and packed the car all in a couple of hours. To go for our much anticipated week long holiday in the Drakensberg mountains. Where it was beautiful, lush green, quiet and best of all - no cellphone reception. So we rested and ate and drank and then did it all over again.

A couple of milestones for everyone;
E learned to ride his bike without the side wheels

John and Nikyle joined us from Christmas day until the weekend, the first time the two of them have spend christmas together, as well as, the first time they have gone away together.

And no less, the first time we have joined forces as a family with my parents, E, me,John and Nikyle

It worked out well and we all had a good time....even the two boys had fun together.

Gold Medal Mom

Sorry, No it was not your name we called out mam

I did not really think so

On Wednesday night I was so tired
My kid ate Strawberry rice krispies for dinner
In front of the TV
Then he sat watching cartoons
until he fetched his pillow
and fell asleep on the cold hard tile floor

I was sitting next to him
furiously typing on my computer
trying to make the deadline
I am still working on

The one that has had me cancel my weekend camping trip
with my little boy
to rather spend it
working some more and more and more
Fortunately E will not know that
as he is going fishing with his dad tomorrow
and on Sunday
we will drive down to Ouma and Oupa far away
to celebrate

40 Years of Marriage
together, happy and still in love

It is all about choices, I know

So when faced with this new dilemma in my life called Elrich's baby brother, it was time for introspection again. When I got over the fact that I was the one that wanted another kid, and now Phil is going to have another one - what did I say about my perception that he is living our/my dreams? Incidentally, he never bought that property (but I am getting sidetracked here)

How to approach this? What do I want? Are we going to be awkward about this for the rest of our lives, how will we (Elrich and me and Phil and Thersia, because face it, she is part of this family now as well) deal with this baby brother?

Oi

Then the opportunity was created, in no other place than the local Medical clinic. Where I spend all of Thursday with the doctors, trying to figure out exactly what was brewing in my brain. As I emerged from the physio therapist, I got a weak little hello from just behind my left shoulder. And who was sitting there sheepishly? None other than Phil. Yes, he was sick as well, similar symptoms as me, but not quite as severe and not as whacky, except that he had a rash to add to his ailments (getting side tracked again…maybe my brain did get infected?) so we exchanged a couple of words and I went down to the pharmacy to pick up my script and there we talked some more. So much so that I suggested we sit down for a cup of coffee at a local restaurant.

We talked about this, and that, some business and so on. And right at the end I told him that I want him to know that I have thought about this baby and him and Thersia and I have decided that they are all welcome in my house. That we will just be an extended family, that I want E to grow up with his brother, that we must be comfortable going to the kiddies birthday parties and that I know they are not a match made in heaven. But that I wish them happiness in any case and whether they are together as a couple going forward or not, his kid(s) will still be welcome in my house. And that I want us to create as normal and loving environment as possible for all the children involved. He agreed with me, which is not surprising as he has always agreed with me ;-) but he did make one additional gesture, he invited me to Thersia’s birthday party the 20^th of December at his house, which will double as a Christmas party for the family and family friends and all the children. So I accepted. And then today when they came to fetch E, they dropped a poster counting down the days to the birth of the little tyke – due date 16^th of April. I will mount it in E’s room and dutifully stick stickers on it.

For the life of me, I cannot remember the little guy’s name, but it does sound something like Dolphin but spelled along the lines of Dhaol Finn (really not sure about the spelling as Phil did it over the phone and by that stage I was trying to not burst out laughing)

Fun with words

Mom, it is ok - I am licking the leaking milk.....hehehehe licking the leaking milk

I loved listening to him tasting the words in his mouth. His fascination with the similar sounds and the different meanings. Repeating the same phrase over and over.

Clearing out the stockpile

Whilst in a workshop with one of my clients today she got called out to an emergency meeting. Only to rush back half an hour later, flushed and flustered. The whole operation will be closing down for four months. No production, no work....for more than a thousand people. The reason, their international market has slowed down so much that their stockpile of product has become a white elephant which must be moved before production can be continued. This is a mine with a lifespan of a further 30 years, one in which we, just minutes before, were discussing the recruitment ramp up, we thought was planned for next year.

A thousand lives, just before christmas, from all over Southern Africa. All the strategies and plans for development and economic stimulation are just that. Plans and strategies.....hopefully they will not gather dust in file thirteen.

It is confirmed

E is going to become a big brother. The new baby boy will be born in April.

I am still giggling about this. I cannot help but remember the sessions we had in marriage councelling where Phil very clearly stated that he just does not feel like the commitments of fatherhood and why should he sacrifice his immediate carnal desires to be a loving and supportive husband? How could his wife expect that of him?

I have it on good authority that nothing has changed. That he still runs away from wife and house on a regular basis. That he has told the girlfriend that he just needs to get away from her and everything a bit every now and again. To hang out with his mates at odd places and do things he never talks to anyone about. I am so glad/relieved/ elated that I am not part of that crazy ride. I do feel sorry for the girlfriend though.

I wonder how E will react to the news, when his father plucks up the courage to tell him. He has to do it and soon, I am sure reference will be made more and more often to the new baby... and besides, the girl is very obviously pregnant.

Mom, is your heart angry or sad ?

Babes, my heart is nothing

What do you mean your heart is nothing?
How can your heart be nothing?
If your heart is nothing, then you are nothing
and then I do not have a mom!

What kind of work?

Teeaaam work....that is the moto in our little house. E helps me by setting the table, washing up (sometimes), cleaning his room (tidy, vacuum and mop ;-) and looking after himself aka dressing, bathing, brushing and wiping. I know the quality control is sometimes lacking, but hey...we will get there.

A couple of action shots

Getting all ready at the cycle race the other day

Nerves of steel at the starting point ;-)


And yesterday at school with the end of the year presentations for the kids that did intro golf.


What a shot!

A southern perspective

I cannot help myself. I find the current political regime in the US of A amusing. Africa was always the deep dark black continent. A hole in the map. Even academics in the North tend to group all of us together....as Africa. Heck, even South Africans are guilty of this referral to Africa as a homogenous continent. With just one fate; oblivion, mass poverty and corruption.

And now, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, hails from Africa. With roots outside western dogma, western religion and a western mind set. Yes, he is American. I do not doubt that for a second. But still - he is not as American as the previous regime. He at least knows that Africa is a continent and not a country.

But not only that, now I really can laugh at racist comments in SA. People criticizing the South African government based on the racial make up will have to think twice. Further, the bar has been raised for our government. No longer is it ok to hide behind their race either. There is a man walking in the front, a man obviously different looking from his predecessors. A man not part of the family of presidents that went before him. A fresh breath. I wonder what that will mean for foreign policy, xenophobia in America, tolerance of difference. But I also wonder if he will live to see through his term. If he will have the support and strength of character to unite a divided nation. To catch that ever elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (nation?)

So mom, tell me

how are you today?

Is what my little guy wanted to know on the way home from school. So I told him I am absolutely splendid. I am healthy, I am with him and everything looks nice to me. And how are you my boy?

I am terrible, he says

Oh, why ever then?

Because Manno just cries at school and eats food from the floor and that is just disgusting. I dont want anybody to be friends with him.

I feel like curling up

and crying my heart out.

Lank en hard en aanhoudend soos hulle in my moeder taal sê

This week has been a little bit overwhelming for me

The greek philosopher retained his sense of humour

and told me last night that his new slogan is

If you are alive, why worry about it?

It is very funny and punny at once and so typical of the things he comes up with. He entertained me last night by showing me how he can change the readings on the heart monitor by changing his breathing. All the while chuckling like a school boy. He decided that when his doctors ask him about all the wacky readings he will just tell them that 'his lady jumped on the bed with him ;-)'

mmmm Yes please

For nearly a year I have been a rather recalcitrant and sometimes reluctant girlfriend. Most of our disagreements and moments have been because I push him away from me emotionally. But now, he is lying in ICU in hospital, seriously sick from a surprise heart attack and all I want to do is curl up on his lap and feel him stroke my hair. Kissing my brow, telling me that if we just enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

A couple of firsts

Today E participated in the 3 - 4 year old category for the Pick A Pay Cycle race and it was very 'scary' and 'exciting' all at once. After looking forward to it for the whole week and sitting on his bicycle ready to go from 8 this morning, we nearly left the starting point as he was just too overwhelmed by the crowd and the atmosphere to continue. Some reassurance and a promise I will hold him all the way and we were ready to roll. It went surprisingly well. We did not fall off or bump into anyone and did not get bumped into either. And he made it all the way to the end to get his medal, juice and chocolate.

Where we met with dad and his girlfriend (wife?). I have a vague suspicion she is pregnant, but he has not said anything and I am not about to ask. So we spend some good family time together before I left them and came home. To celebrate the first year of formally being single by sitting at my computer and working...really, what else is there to do on a gorgeous Saturday but trying to catch up on work I did not get to during the week ;-p

Like a sponge they say

I know that a young child's mind is like a sponge, absorbing everything around them and more often than not, they learn the stuff you don't want them to know, long before they learn what you are trying to teach them.

We have been working on and off on letter recognition for a while now and I must admit, not with much success. E seems to recognise certain words easily but not all the letters consistently in an alphabetical or any random order for that matter. He loves playing the I-spie game though and are really good at coming up with different words that start with the same letter. Lately he has been asking me to read labels and names of things to him and I have invited him to read it with me. To great success.

A while ago I bought a couple of first level reader books for E but we have never had the opportunity to work through them and tonight I decided to pull the little first level book from the shelve and encouraged E to read it to me. Which he did. I must admit, I am quite surprised but also very very proud of the little man.

Knotted up

I have to meet with Phil at 14:00 to discuss potential IT development work he can do for the little consulting firm I work with. I am as tense as a bowstring about this. I have been dreaming again that we are still a family and I wake up in the mornings not knowing where I am and what my current reality is. I hate that, I hate it when I remember what really happened to our family. They tell me it is just the way we humans mourn a loss and how we make sense of the world. But I just don't get it. My formal divorce went through just under a year ago and I have been single for close on two years. For pete's sake, I have been seeing John for nearly a year already. I dont understand why I am so stuck here between there and nowhere.

Taking work to the bushveld

One of the joys of working from your cellphone and your computer is that you really could do it from anywhere ;-) and not too long ago, I did exactly that. I packed the bag and the kiddo and we joined the grandparents at Dikholo, a small game farm not too far of the beaten track

High on the mountain at a lookout - we spend quite a bit of time here looking at the animals and the beautiful vistas of endless rolling hills and bushveld. A little Dassie was warming itself in the sun. These little animals are normally quite shy, but not here, I am not sure if their strength is in their numbers (they were everywhere) or whether they are just so used to living in close proximity to humans that they have become quite tame.



The resort seen from the lookout point. It is beautiful, if a bit overdeveloped


We went for a walk one morning fairly early and I decided to leave my long lens...I am in a game farm and I left my long lense. I know, unbelievable. I was very frustrated halfway through as we got very close to the animals but the short lense just does not do them justice. I played hide a seek with this giraffe for a bit.

Fresh mountain water

My newest most favourite photo of E was taken in the mountains of Crete where we use to go every other day to collect fresh drinking water for the house. What a simple lifestyle people have there

On the map!

So today I got my very own postbox!!
I am seriously impressed with myself. Believe it or not, but it is a huge step forward in taking my life back.

WOOOHOOO!!!!

Faith Hope and Love

But the greatest of these is Love

I am heartsore as another family is standing on the brink of loosing a wife and mother to cancer.
I do not understand
He loves her so
and still he watches and waits for her to go
knowing that they will not share a tomorrow
Who can ever phantom such sorrow?

It makes me feel disconnected
a little dissected
Not ready to care enough
but so wanting to call this bluff

Wisdom(s) no more

So after I have put this little procedure off for more than eight years, yes eight years, I am happy to report that I have survived the removal of all four of my recalcitrant wisdom teeth.

I love the surgeon who did this, despite having a seriously impacted tooth that was growing horizontally…. and on its way out my cheek, this guy managed to cut me up without leaving any visible evidence of the butchery. I wonder if he practices in his spare time?

In the end, nothing about the procedure was traumatic at all, they gently put me to sleep with reassuring stickers and machinery tracking all my vital signs and I woke an hour later with a foul tasting mouth filled with thick dark, red. blood and a tongue that did not work. And that really was it.

Today I was really tired and spaced out, but I managed to get some work done, including cleaning my house and doing the laundry. Tomorrow we are back to business as usual with an all day workshop at a big client.

Soaked in life

Today as I was riding Shilogh I got caught in a thunderstorm with lots of rain and hail. It was wonderfull, I have not felt so alive in a long time

The smell of wet grass
On a hot baked earth
Horse breath steaming in the stables
Clothes clinging to my body
squelching shoes in muddy grass
Cold drops of rain running down my face
as i stretched my sore legs into a run

We are praying for you Cari, you are teaching me the value of my life, and I am praying that you will heal and live to see those beautiful children of yours grow into the adults you dream them to be.

All things theatrical

Yes I know I have a killer deadline for Monday and that there are more work on my desk than hours in the day and night. But E is on midterm break, so we went to the children's theatre today to be whisked away on a magical carpet ride to the modern mid eastern delight of Aladdin. It was wonderful. The four crew cast was superb and energetic as they magically recast themselves from evil magician to charismatic genie in a heartbeat. From spiders and dragons to a beautiful princess all the time captivating and interacting with their audience by the roll of eyes and sharing of jewels.

After theatre it was time to have a much needed haircut and some of our own home grown theatrics

Bum boarding

Just down the road from me is a 50m artificial ski slope on which we went bumboarding one piping hot Sunday afternoon. The exhilaration on E's face is all the story I need to tell. Needless to say, the little man was lights out by 18:00 that night and that was all we talked about for a couple of days.

The epitome of boredom

Is trying to find 150 creative ways to tell the same client that all their clients think their services really suck.....and no, this is not a ten page document. Imagine doing this for at least 400 pages and and at least the same number of graphs.

I hate this job, I hate this client
I am so glad that this will be last year
I am going to have to do this
It has been a loooong three years, let me tell you ;-p

Eating good healthy food

will make you grow into a big strong boy and now we have to measure him against my body twice during every meal.

He is convinced that he is bigger at the end each meal.

Cute little Elrich'sms:
Pantoffels are called tampoffels
All adults are moms and dads
Hostipal for hospital
You need engengy to do things and food gives you lots of engengy (energy)
He wants to know the type of fuel each car runs on - mom is that a diesel car or a petrol car?
When we drive I have to tell him what make and model nearly every car on the road is
He loves to tell me in which direction I am/or must turn next. Now that I think on it, back seat driving is his forte and we have non stop commentary on everything happening arounds us for most of the driving time.
He cannot wait for his next birthday to come because then he will be five and that is a much cooler age than four - and 'mom, look I am a cool dudes!' says he with his mirror sunglasses

The great composer

Elrich loves singing and he makes up imprompto songs about everything around him as he sees and experiences it. This is just a little clip I managed to get of his antics. Note the very bare little cottage I stay in - nope I have not bought that couch or that TV cabinent I have been dreaming about. Somehow, it just seems a bit too big a decision to make right now ;-)

I have no idea why this video is on it's side

Mixed feelings

Phil forgot about Elrich's athletics day at school today. Since E slept at his dad's house last night, he did not make it to athletics either. I am furious at Phil. I think that it was inexcusable and in future E will stay at my place the night before a big school day. But that is not all....

Work pressure and the build up to the family athletics day left me emotionally wrung out last night. So I told John that I was no good for any company and miserable. He told me that it is fine and no sulking from his side, he will see me the next day in time for the school sports day. I believed him that it was ok for me to crawl in my little cave and just sulk in silence. How wrong could I be?

This is our sms conversation today:

Maritha (as I woke up) Hello, I am more of a mess now that I was last night. I think it is because of the family thing today, I am a bit slow putting stuff together and understanding my own emotions. If u wake early and u want to come help me make shaker thingies that would be nice

John: Hi, I just woke up, my head is a mess. I wont b joining u this morning. I hope e and his team do well

Maritha: Ok, that is fine I will not sulk either ;-p

Maritha: But just to confuse you even more, at the start of this week I really really looked forward to having u around helping me to make the shakers, going to athletics together and being a little family. By Friday though I was over tired and an emotional mess and all I wanted to do was run into a cave and hide, so please do not see my emotions as a reflection on u. It is not it is just my mess I have to try and sort out or manager or whatever xxxx

John:Maybe you dont want us 2 b a lil family. Enjoy your athletics day.

Maritha: Now that was really insensitive and unnecessary

John: Neither was this ....lol I am sorry I am in no state to be nice and sensitive, I am tired and miserable and I am watching tv and drinking savannah. I understand it would be far nicer if I was excited and full of life but alas, what can I say (the message I send him last night saying why I did not feel like company)

Maritha: Yes, I know but it was not aimed at u, I was'nt miserable because of u. That is why I am scared when u say I make u happy because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to keep u happy. U need to be happy despite of me and the state I am in. Johnny I cannot have you fall down when I am a mess, I care about u but I am still a mess.

John: U took something that I was really looking forward to and fucked it up quick quick last night. I’m sorry Phil fucked u around but I am not Phil. Treat me like I am Phil, u will turn around and I will b gone. That seems to me that is what u want!

Maritha: John, if I thought you were Phil, I would not be around and u fucked it up for yourself. Last night I really thought that u were just letting me be, I did not realize that we were going to have an all fall down today. I honestly woke up this morning looking forward to spending the day with u. But I am a bit naïve that way.

John: well if that is how u c it, I fucked it up 4 myself then….

By that time I have had enough of this silly sms’ing. I was sitting at E’s school wondering where the heck his father is. Is it just me or is John emotionally more insecure than me? I just don’t follow his train of thought at all and it does not make sense to me in the bigger picture. I have not spoken to him since and quite frankly don’t see myself speaking to him anytime soon. Anyway – I just had to get it out of my system.

It is just in the Semantics

So I have nearly had a nervous breakdown about this 'falling in love' thing I so flippantly posted about last week.

What is love? What does it mean 'to love somebody?' See in my world that meant loneliness, sacrifice, rejection, isolation and fear. So this 'longing' for another human being in my life nearly send me straight to the funny farm.

I asked John and his answer calmed me down.....and does make sense to me. According to the philosophy of John the Cretan ....it is just about two people meeting each other's needs. Yes, in order to do that there is commitment and where there is commitment there is compromise. And (funny that) there should be desire to spend time together, trust, shared interests and so on. It does not mean unconditional sacrifice, that type of love is reserved for the parenting of small children. It does not mean that you have to deny the hurt and emotions you are feeling right now, to focus on a fantasy future.

So maybe then, even if I do not have any long term plans or dreams for an 'us' I am in love with this funny little greek man that can be such a serious clown ;-)

Take two

So the ab contest is still going strong

On Monday I was travesing the rural roads of this here land and by the time I got home my lower back and kidneys had enough already.

Wednesday i was not going to miss and I googled abs - copied and pasted a list of do able exercises and decided to stick to them as I am sure that I remember something around repetition being a good thing.

My tools of torture were:
Reverse crunches
Bicycle Crunch
Vertical Leg crunches
Bridges
Half Curls

I did them on Wednesday morning as I got out the bath...it is quite the experience doing ab exercises when you are butt naked. No, I will not go into details but just remember I have been with child a couple of years ago.

The only reason why I did my exercises on Friday was because of the competition and I was not going to loose another day. I felt sick, I was so darn tired as I just did not sleep for two nights in a row and life had my intestines in a gut wrenching knot.

By Saturday this was all old news.....the only very sad thing is that I did not get round to Shilogh this week - Only on Thursday for a very short, very disorientated little ride that nearly landed me on my head. I can only dream and hope

On Tuesday night

When John rocked up at my house, exactly on the expected time, concerned for my safety and laden with gifts, I think I fell in love

That is the only explanation I can come up with for this weird longing I have in my chest that seems to go away when he steps into the house.

My f-ab-ulous week

So KC challenged all of us to work our abs in the little competition she is running on her blog.

My first week:
On Monday I did the sitting trot thing for five minutes and half way through I was thinking - I am cheating this is way tooo easy. I could sit like this for the rest of the day and not feel a thing

On Tuesday morning I had a slight limp as my lower back was just so stiff

On Wednesday it was the second round and after about 30 seconds I thought I was going to die. By the 4th minute I wondered if my horse will buck me off if I puked all over him and when the watch told me time up - I hardly had the strength to keep my body upright on the horse. Sheez I am unfit

Friday came and went so fast that I did not ride or do any other form of exercise

So Saturday morning I decided that I will go for the bonus point- variety:

Five minutes of crunchies - those that you pull yourself up by breathing out and clenching your core muscles. A lil like isometrics I was told way back when. I managed one hundred relatively fast, then I had to rest for at least thirty counts. Then I did another hundred agonizingly slowly, convinced that I am going to pass out and die, convinced that the kitchen counter does not work anymore and will never ring to signal the end of this torture. As I finished my 5 minutes and got up - my ears started ringing so bad I thought I am gonna pass out.

Why am I doing this to my self?

Now I am closer to 40 than 30

But then John reminded me that he is closer to 40 than 60 which made me feel like a school girl

My birthday was one of those days I will never forget

The morning of my birthday as I was sitting in the beautiful hotel garden sipping percolated coffee, listening to gurgling waters and bird sounds, I realised that what I thought was a disaster, was really the perfect start to my day. See, I like to control my life and I like to feel successful with what I do and here I got a reminder that we are really at the mercy of those very things we take for granted in our lives. Like our health, our cell phones, cars, jobs whilst any or all of it can so easily be taken away from us.

But more importantly, when things are taken from us, other people can step up for us to take care of us and help us reach our destinations. Only problem is I failed that very lesson the next day so badly that I am afraid I am going to have to write the same test again in the near future....but I am getting ahead of myself a little bit, I think

On Sunday past I thought it a good idea to take E to the Thai Festival, which was ok, apart from the fact that they had a very violent full contact Kick boxing competition going in the middle of the festivities and we left rather hurriedly. On the way back home my little guy fell asleep in the car but I had to stop to get some milk, which I did. But the little fellow was really miserable to be woken and dragged into the shop and whilst he was fretting and fussing I got my cell phone pick pocketed from my hand bag. I left feeling angry, frustrated and betrayed as I knew something was going on with the lady that kept bumping up against me, but I had no extra hands left to try and feel if my bag was ok - which was slung across my shoulder and slightly to my back.

Well, my whole little business runs through my phone which doubles as an external modem for my computer, diary and notebook. So with that lost, I was quite literally left in the dark. I went to John to use his phone to cancel the sim and black list the phone but had to go to a project early Monday morning so could not do anything about submitting the claim for a replacement phone until Monday afternoon. Which I did and was told that I can collect my new phone on Tuesday. Fortunately John had an extra phone which he loaned me, only problem was that it had a very limited battery life, but I had a car charger for it and thought it will be ok at least to take with me on the road and at least I could phone if I needed help.

Tuesday was my birthday and I woke up early with a song in my heart - ready to face the day and slightly nervous as i was due to speak at a conference on development/transformation in the mining industry. We were ready and out the door in good time and I took my little guy to school - where he insisted I kiss him in the car and he will walk himself to his classroom. Watching my little guy with his big backpack and in full soccer atire walking himself into the school garden wrenched my heart. But no time for sentimentality, so hopped back into my truck, turned the key and....nothing. No gentle purring of my diesel enjin, just a disconcerting silence. I could not believe it. This is a new car, it has just come from a three day stint at auto-electricians where they fixed the alarm system and now she was stone cold dead. But not to worry, I will phone John to come and help me out as he is a real wiz with mechanical stuff. As I dialed his number, I got a voicemail but before I could even leave a message the battery died. To be honest I just went blank, I did not know where to start or what to do as the only numbers I knew by heart was my mom's number and Phil's number. And how will they help me? And I need to be at the conference venue in 40 minutes time.

So I went into the school secretary's office and asked if I could use the phone. I dialed Phil, but he did not answer, no surprises there as he hardly ever wakes up before 9 in the morning. Desperately in need of a sympathetic ear I phoned mom, who listened like just a mom can and then asked what she could do to help me….uhm, I don’t know – nothing I guess as they are three hours away. Just as I put the phone down another mom came up to me and offered to take me where ever it was I had to go to. I could not believe my ears, when I asked her if she is sure, she just said ‘darling, I heard you say ex-husband, and I have so been there. Come let me take you, you will be just fine.’ So I left the car keys with the school secretary and got taken 20km across town to the conference venue. On the way there I learned so many things, I learned that this lady was also in development but that her company focus on marketing and branding of projects and SMMEs. What a godsend she was, her wisdom and kindness was a real blessing to me and helped me to calm down and just let the day be. Her words were ‘darling, you try to control too much, just live a little’ mmmmm how on earth to let go of that and just to live a little. How to let go of this anxious knot in my tummy that I might let someone down or make a mistake. Anyway – at the hotel I realized they changed the venue but I did not get the e-mail as I did not have an internet connection the previous day. Fortunately they could get a hotel driver to take me across town – again – to the correct venue.

The conference went down well, our presentation was well received. My dad managed to contact the place that resurrected my Corsa in 2007 and they fetched my car and tightened the battery terminals (which were all that was wrong with it) and Phil collected the bakkie for me. I got dropped off at his house and could drive home. In the mean time I could not get hold of John as I did not know his number by heart but I knew he would be really stressed out as he did not know if I was ok or not, but I decided to bath and dress like I am going out in any-case. And true to form, at exactly 7:00 I heard the roar of his little car’s engine as he pulled up to my gate. His car was filled with flowers and he bought me some perfume. The genuine concern on his face as he got out the car and looked at me with relief washing over him when he saw that I was perfectly fine…that was probably the biggest gift I have ever gotten. He cared, he really cared about me.

On Wednesday I went first thing to the Vodashop to get my phone sorted – and there I failed the test. All the lessons learned the previous day were for naught as I lost my temper so badly and swore at the consultant. Yes, he did have a narky attitude and yes he could have been a little bit more diplomatic in the way he handled the story, but still it is not nice to watch the junk splurting out of yourself when you are put under pressure. Oi, I did apologize, and I managed to get a good phone. I also managed to make it back to the conference just in time for my presentation that afternoon. A presentation that stretched their thinking on economic development and challenged the room to think more creatively regarding the difference they can make to the mining industry and the transformation of the rural economies where they operate.

Phillipa, you do us proud!

Today a young South African woman won a gold medal at the Para-Olympic games. Yes the medal is won for South Africa, but gold is going to all those people that have overcome all odds to make a dream come true.

Phillipa is known to me through her family, I used to ride professionally for her uncle, the identical twin brother of her father. Her brother got killed in the accident that left her partially paralysed in October 2008, he was a very dear friend of mine. I can still see the light filtering through his marble green eyes, remember how he tried to soften the learning curve of riding for me and whenever I feel like the world is a too big a mountain to climb I remember his mantra that 'As long as your low is higher than your previous low, you are making progress'.

Phillipa has overcome numerous challenges, her handicap only one of them, to participate in her second Para-Olympic games. She currently resides and works in Belgium and managed to pay her own way for both her and Benedict to go to the games. We salute you, your courage and determination to reach your dreams is an inspiration!

Spring has sprung

I love September
I love the renewed sound of birds
the budding leaves
the bucking horses
the light through my window when I have to wake up in the morning
the heat in my house where I worked on my computer
the smell of braaivleis over the weekends
the toning and browning of my body
the sound of laughter in the air as everyone congregates in the sun
sultry hot evenings
the promise of new opportunities

Ooh wow - I am so happy

My blog is up and running again
Sheesh I have been frustrated this month
My blog was as bad as electricity supply in SA ;-)

What to say about August

August was a really hard month for me. Even though my trip to Crete was mostly enjoyable it brought up so many emotions in me that I could hardly cope with half of it. The only way that I have figured to deal with overwhelming emotions is to hide them really well. But for better or for worse - it all boiled over within the first two weeks that I came home. I don’t think it helped that a very good friend of mine lost her dad suddenly and then 10 days later gave birth to her first child, a little boy - and named after her father.

All those questions about love, life and family. Personal sacrifice and individual dreams. What do I really want from life? How do I really want to live and build into my future? I go from wanting to be a hermit in an isolated little life, just caring for E, working and traveling as I wish - to wanting a big family with lots more children around me and a husband that cares about the bunch of us. Dreaming and working together to build a combined future…..safely hiding away and taking care of just me and my child. Am I any closer to an answer – NO

But I have decided that I am so fortunate, I live a simple life right now. I have very little to worry about. Everything I have always wanted, I have right here, even if the package it came in looked very different from the one I always imagined. So I will enjoy the simplicity life has to offer me now. I will not want for other things. When the time is ripe, new doors and the right opportunities will guide me.

I must live the life I want to lead

I know that this seems obvious, but it really is something I must remind myself of very often.

I'm leeeeaving, on a jetplane

In a couple of hours we will be flying over Africa - Destination Athens....where we catch our connecting flight to Crete.
For a three.week.holiday. in the mediteranean.

I cannot wait

but first:
I still have to finish some work
Do laundry
Clean and organise my house - you cannot believe the mess
Pack
Have lunch with friend
Take my truck to another friend for safekeeping

All because last night i was fast asleep by 8 O'clock. I was just all used up from working round the clock the last couple of days. But just imagine, three weeks with no deadlines, traffic, alarms at 5:30, freezing cold mornings....just see, sand, sun and lots of Greeks ;-)

Living 'our' dreams

Phil seems to be living all the dreams I thought we shared
then last year I realised they were my fantasies
but now I am so confused
As he is living with a girlfriend
buying a house
settling down

I thought that is what we wanted together
then I thought that it must have been what only I wanted
and he wanted to just be playing around
but now this

it is hurting all over again

Bearing gifts and baring hearts

Mom, will you marry me?
I love you so much
and I just want to kiss you

Uncool Mom Awards

A letter in the pigeon hole yesterday morning told us that today would be occupations day at school. I forgot about it till this morning when i asked young E what he wants to be

A robot, mom!
Ok, so I converted a paper box
he was very excited about taking it to school
until we got there and he saw all the builders, office workers and the like
then i had to disappear very quickly
with the box in tow

The Navigator

E doing what he likes best - reading the map and telling mom where to go at our last 4x4 daytrip. More photos coming later, it was quite a scary crazy day

A hound called Puppies

Just look at how she has grown

This is the little girl that I brought home with me the first weekend in May. At her first vet's checkup and vaccinations she weighed in at 4.5kg

Puppies just the other night: At her second check up and vaccinations she weighed 14.5kg....uhm yes, she is going to grow into quite a big dog

Not much has changed

There were no surprises during our Parent-teacher conference at Elrich school this week. Elrich is a lovely child to have in the classroom and he is popular with all his friends. He is (still) a perfectionist and fairly difficult to engage with in an exercise where he has to be taught. He prefers working on his own and the following little incident were used illustration;

E is busy working on a mat and his teacher approaches him to talk to him about what he is doing, after she sits down and opens the conversation he looks at her and says:
Excuse me, I am busy working here, please would you leave me alone?
All apparently in a very respectfull tone of voice, if slightly irritated that his concentration was interupted. The teacher just laughed as she told us this and said that is a perfect example of how he is during their worktime.

But he is doing well and fortunately because of the montessori system of mixing the age groups he is soaking up a lot of information from the older kids and he loves learning with Keabewtse (his best friend and a year older than him). He still prefers the science and maths section over the language stuff and can spend hours working with the magnetics and the number rods. He also really enjoys the geography section and understands the difference between continents and countries and can identify most of them.

Outside he is very confident on all the jungle gym equipment and can balance on the balance poles, slide down the firemans escape and in general has very good muscle development and coordination for his age group. And apparently he loves learning Zulu, the school has an extra curricular zulu lesson on a Friday afternoon for the primary school children and Elrich has started to attend the lessons and absolutely loves it. Even though he cannot read or write, he joins in all the stories and loves engaging everyone in zulu - I am very happy to hear this as I want him to be fluent in more than two of our official languages (of which we have eleven).

So all in all, a great report for a loveable little boy

Please, no more training wheels

Mom, it is not fair
I am tired of being a little kid
I want to be a big brother
so I can drive a faster sports car

A revelation

My feelings of loss, disappointment, anger and denial at the failure of our marriage does not really change that much. It is my ability to cope with these feelings that fluctuates. The two things that directly affects my emotional well being is the level of stress I am under, work stress and personal stress and the frequency as well as intensity of contact with Phil.

So in a perfect world, I really should retire in Crete ;-) John is convinced I am not going to want to come back.....

The faces of poverty

Today I joined a friend and her mom on a little charity drive to an impoverished white community living in a squatter camp just down the road from us. I so wanted to take photos, but I could not. I just could not invade their private suffering like that. The hollow questions in those light eyes, the children running around in wild abandon.

What was interesting was how well organised the operation was. There is a soup kitchen/delivery area for all donations. Which gets written up in a book, with contact details and a person responsible for the equitable distribution of all the stuff. Clean spaces everywhere between the tents, little fenced of gardens. The homes were tents, corrugated iron shacks, caravans and wooden structures. A ray of hope in the middle of drawn faces, emaciated bodies.

I see poverty on an almost daily basis - seeing white poverty affected me differently. What does that say about me? Is the desperation just so much easier to read in those light eyes? The wrinkles more prominent on a white skin? Is it because it could be me? My family? Does black poverty look different because I dont understand all the cultural nuances and the language is foreign? I am thinking I would like to go back there, armed with a notebook and my camera. I would like to go and capture some of their stories.

A pyromaniac?

Mom, whispers E
If you do that again, I am going to burn your house down
WTF???
Where does my kid get his ideas from??

Can I move on now?

Please, I am so tired of this rollercoaster
Up and down
Up and down
Yesterday was a very down
Today, at least I have the vision to
do the dishes
take puppies to school
and spend time with John for Fathersday

Maybe tomorrow's charity visit to the impoverished white community living in tents just down the road from me will be a good reality check. A good reminder of how fortunate I really am. How safe and secure and blessed. A warm home, a healthy child, parents that love me. A good job that I enjoy, a man that cares about my wellbeing, the list really is long......

Bull Rider!

My kiddo sure grabs life by the horns!

Please mom

Just kiss daddy
Just for once
He loves you

Oh dear :-(

Today I totally lost my cool with Elrich, he just would not stop farting on my leg and cackling like a lunatic. I screamed at him, shook him and told him that he can be an irritating brat if he wants to. And this was all happening during our supposedly mommie and Elrich time. Trying to work on our letters....I should have just stopped the exercise as he was just all over the place in anycase.

And then I went to pick Phil up to go to the Police station to get them to stamp the letter with his signature giving me permission to take E out of the country, a requirement for our visa applications. And I wished again so badly that this was all different. That the quiet cameradery I still felt between us was because we were really still together. The comfortable conversation we shared, the way he held his kid tightly against his chest.

Tonight I will go to dinner with John, and he will hug me tightly against him and I will hug him back.

The Pox

I was slightly irritated with Phil when E came home on Saturday covered in what I thought was mosquito bites. Later that day when I bathed him I noticed little spots on his groin area as well and thought...ok that is it. There must be a flea infestation at 'daddie's big new house' so I covered my kid with Zam-Buk...a tried and tested local herbal ointment that works for everything from chapped lips to insect bites. As I walked into school this morning, near on two hours late....another story all together ;-) I was informed by the school secretary that chicken pox are doing the rounds at school and near on half of E's class had to stay at home. A light dawned on me slowly. So after permission from the school, I dashed of to my meeting at a farming community (80km's north) and dashed back to pick my infected offspring up from school.

Did I mention that I have deadlines stacked the one on top of the other until I leave for my Greek holiday in July?? That E will now spend most probably the next ten days at home with me...... and that everything that went wrong in the house this afternoon got blamed on 'the black circle chicken pox made me do it mom'

Practically Grosse

E has entered the age of practical jokes. And the more anal they are the funnier he thinks it is
Like farting against your leg
Wagging his penis around and acting like he is going to pee on you
all the while chortling hysterically
Or saying in a sweet nice voice
Mommie please can I kiss you?
Only to give you an Odie lick all across your face
Chewing with his mouth open
Or licking his food like a dog
....and his personal favourite
Blowing his nose without a tissue ;-p