Can I curl up and die?

Today I have just had enough. I am tired. Deadly. Tired.

I feel like the carpet has been pulled from under my feet.

Phil says he is a failure, he cannot measure up to me
That he does not even think he is good for us as a little family
I love him, but I cannot take the stress anymore
Why can he not just be there for us

I do not understand his struggle

Why I blog

This has been on my mind a lot recently.

It really started with me not writing bone honestly about E's report. Why did I not want to reveal all? Simply because I do not want him to be labeled, even if it is a 'good' label and even if it is by people that would most likely never meet him. You see labels, create expectations, expectations by other people might lead to failure.....I would hate to set my child up for failure.

But then back to me, why do I write and post personal details of me and mine on a public space, accessible to anyone....You could even find us through Google I discovered this morning. Is it a quest for immortality? Do I write for the readers or for me? Is this a self serving tool?

Since any number of people could visit here and never be 'known', the idea of writing for readers makes little sense. Unless it is like writing a novel, to anonymous readers. To let them be voyeurs of my life.

Back to the beginning. I started this blog for me. I started writing here because writing is my creative energy. I make sense of the world and my emotions by writing it down. The interaction I get from some readers here, is supportive, interesting and welcome. But it has also started to make me think twice about that which I blog...you know, managing impressions. A big attraction in internet relationships.

But then I have not managed it here any more than in real life. How so? See my real life friends and family do not know that I blog. I have not let them into the inner chamber of detail you lot have been exposed to.I have a desire to be honest here, I want to say what I feel and think. Even if it is not always nice, or politically correct, or whatever. Because here is where my mind lives, here is where I can be both more and less than what I am in real life. So if in future I am bone honest about anyone, just ignore it and do not label us. We are just your regular boring little family.

Indecent Exposure

As we celebrated the fact that E slept late (and wonder above wonders, in his own bed), I suddenly felt P ducking lower to my body, trying to detangle the duvet to cover up and salvage the last vestiges of parental dignity.

Yes, the young man was standing in the door with a quizzical expression on his face 'daddy what you doing?'

Uhum morning love, come give us a hug (nothing like changing the subject), Phil trying to disengage, cover up and keep a straight face

A Brainwave

Would you like to watch a movie?

E must wonder what happened as he never gets to watch a movie first thing in the morning, and never ever gets to eat breakfast whilst doing it

At least we had time to hmmmm you know, start the day properly, the way we used to when we did not worry about little bodies watching us in fascination.

Oyster eyes

The recycling of waste into glasses,
a niche market in Gauteng.
Savannah’s dutiful final reincarnation.

Pleading to sell, imploring relief.

Why did I hide my face?

Where does he sleep tonight?
That too thin young man frame
I cuddle a stocky little baby boy, sleepy eyed in a cozy bed
Where are your mother?

A White African?

My identity, personal, cultural and national is in flux. I am deconstructing me.

Woman, wife, mother, sociologist
White, African, Afrikaans
South African?

Who am I? I have often pondered my personal identity on here but where does our little family fit into our Rainbow Nation? What are the memories, traditions and culture I want to leave my child?

When I tried to explain this confusion to a colleague (black african - why the need to explain his background?) he said it is not the past we must leave our children as a heritage, it is the future we want them to grow up in. I like that very much. It gives me the opportunity to leave my child a future heritage, future traditions and memories.

Yes, I am ashamed of the past as created by white people, yes I am horrified by what occurred in my country and I do experience guilt when I see the misery that is still evident. I am even ashamed of my intelligence, my opportunities, my education. It is all build on a foundation of exploitation. In sharp contrast to my guilt I also suffer from 'compassion fatigue' and drive around with dark glasses, wind up my window before robots so I do not have to face the beggars, street vendors and other desperate hopeless people.

The question on the Africanness of white people has been the source of much discussion and public debate recently. And I find myself pondering the reasons for the debate, the underlying motivation from both sides of the argument to proof or dispute the fact that the entry criteria for an African identity are the colour of your skin. Is this not the very thing we have been trying to abolish in our country? An entry ticket based on skin colour? Die vraag oor nasionale identiteit is vir my soos 'n turksvy, op die oog af eenvoudig, eetbaar, maar as jy nie versigtig is nie sal die dorings vir 'n lang tyd nog in jou vingers sweer.

So recently I find myself polarising to my language again and taking an interest in our national holidays (something I never used to do). I watch with interest the evolvement, well really, the cultural revolution taking place in our 'townships' (still a comfortable word in the media, despite the apartheid inference). The shaking off of everything African that is occurring under the young black people. And I am amused.

In the spotlight

It is the end of the year (gasp) and we were invited to E's school for our very first teacher parent conference. E's little school is very child centered and they invited each of the parents for a one on one meeting with them to go in detail through their report. A daunting 9 A4 page document, fortunately for us, it states the whole curriculum and E is only (or rather should only) be on the first page.

Phil was very late, but to his redemption we had a huge thunder shower (cloud break truth be told) just as he left work - very seasonal for this time of year, which made the drive really slow. To my surprise, the principle was very pleased that a dad attended the meeting, apparently he was the first to do so out of a school with twenty kids. How can dad's still be so uninvolved in their kid’s lives and futures. I find education one of those really daunting aspects of parenthood and I am already stressed about making the right decisions when e is older.

E did really well in school this year, even though his communication skills was rated as about four months behind, they were impressed with how fast he progressed once he started talking. It took him forever to say his first word(s), fortunately he has totally forgotten those first words (yeahhhhh!!!). The most amazing thing the principle commented about was that he had an unheard of concentration span of longer than an hour (to work on a specific problem) and can easily cope with their three hour work periods (doing different activities) normally reserved for the older kids. It seems like his concentration span has fast tracked him across the curriculum and he is working with abstract concepts such as matching three dimensional shapes to two dimensional cards and the binomial cube (I tried it and it is quite fun).

The problem mentioned more than once was that he is not a push button child at all, even though he is keen to work, he will not necessarily do stuff as and when he is told to. Did not sound like he disrupts the class, but they did mention that if he continuous with the current attitude in later life he will have himself labeled as a problem child and even worse....ack more to stress about.

But to end on a good note this was their summary of our little guy:
Elrich never ceases to amaze us! He is currently doing work that is in most cases way above his age expectations. He often becomes frustrated when he attempts to do things (work and play) that he is mentally capable of, but is physically just too small (you telling me!!). Elrich is a loving caring child who is always cheerful, he makes friends easily and despite being younger than his peers, is a popular member of the group.

Overall, it made for a very nice first report!

Perilous pottying

E does not do stuff you tell him to do, neither does he do things that he cannot initiate, or do perfectly. He has always been like this. The most frustrating time in his life was when he wanted to move and could not figure out how to get his body to do it.

Why should potty training be different?

After the initial 'I want to wear my spiderman's mom' became a health risk as he would refuse to urinate for two days (unless he is sleeping and then he would just wet himself) I but him back in nappies.

Until Monday morning when he came running into my bedroom with this desperate expression on his face 'Mommy quickly klere uittrek, pooh outside' He was wearing a bodyvest with clips between his legs and could not undress himself.

Asking him if he would not rather want to pooh on the potty, a definate 'NO!' convinced me that he would need a bit of motivation.

So I fetched some candy - placed it on the washbasin and called the young man. I told him if he wants the candy he must make his pooh in the potty. Got rewarded by a screaming toddler. So I just left it. Couple of minutes later E takes me to the candy and asks me - Mommy what is that? It is candy my boy. Oh. To the potty: Mommy what is that? It is the potty. Oh. So he made a record breaking pooh in the potty and ate his candy.

We do not have that 'FIRST NAPPY OF THE DAY' anymore, but he might need some dental attention soon...

Eavesdropping on E

I am blow drying my hair in our bedroom, listening to E having conversations in his room next door.

Some banging, crashing and loud bashing sounds
a mischievious little giggle
wispering 'naughty, naughty, naughty'
More crashing
'lets do it again!'
an evil little cackle
Something landing with a door shuddering noice
A very loud ' what you doing?'

When I stepped out to see what is up - the bike, blocks,jumping horse, scateboard the whole lot, are all heaped at his bedroom door. A serious face looking at me and explaining 'momma, scateboard naughty, and horsey and blocks and fietsie (bike), they are all naughty'

A self satisfied nod of the head and he is ready to leave for school.

The (not so) Competent Consultant

Ack this has been a rough week

When you continuously have too much on your plate dont be surprised if some of the stuff lands on the floor. This is now the keys I spend an hour looking for yesterday morning. Making me terribly late and frazzled. Leading to a silly, I dont have time for, shopping spree. To outfit my newly reshuffled corner in the garage. I now have beautiful beechwood intrays, boxes for files and even a mock suede cd sorter.

It all started last week though, when I for some strange reason emailed the combined first quarterly report to my clients, referring to it as the combined third quarterly report..what?? only to get some of them asking me to change the format so they can input the outstanding information...the third quarter is only next May. At least more than just me are totally lost in time

The cake was Tuesday - I was an hour late for a meeting with an IDP manager. Why? Because distance and travel time in SA is not necessarily related. More so if it is raining and your wiper blades does not work. yeah picture this - Hand operated wiper blades on a narrow country road. I was a bit dishevelled when I eventually got there. But nevermind, my idea sold well and now we just need to write it up well and sell it to DME

And yesterday, after I recovered from the key incident, I closed another deal, with hereto unknown negotiation skills.

Impressions

The dive trip left me feeling strangely empty, like I lost something really precious to me. It was so beautiful, so fleeting and I did not want to come back to real life at all.

Feelings of bereavement hunkered in me until it found an outlet on my drive back from a local economic development summit I had to attend in Mpumulanga. Wind in my hair, tears down my face with the sounds of Vivaldi storming through me.

Lifting up, swirling around. Laughter. Tears. Mourning. Letting go. Revitalise.

My youth. Decisions made. Stepping out.

At the summit, flirting, intelligent conversation.
Snake woman with her ebony body undulating in a mesmerizing rhythm to the afro-jazz, the mad hatter's staccato puppet like movements perfectly synchronized. A festive atmosphere in a rainbow nation.

Thoughts Distilled

This was the time last year that Phil walked out the house. I was very sad, but relieved as well. It was like the lashing of a boil, the cutting clean of an infection.

The coming weekend marks our first return to the sea, to diving, doing something together that we both love dearly. We have had to cope with a lot stress organising this, from critical family members to broken down cars, menstrual periods that started way later than normal (yeah) and now the rain. I am not tense, I am not scared but I cannot help looking back and seeing the road we have travelled. I cannot help but believe that the seeds of forgiveness, love and acceptance (for all of us) will grow strong in our little family.

This has been a very tough year, I think on all of us. Not the toughest year for me, by far that would have been the preceeding 18 months, but still difficult. Difficult to continuously remind myself that I have a bigger goal, and greater dream, that feelings and emotions are fleeting, but the future is very real and I am, we are, the builders of that future. We get to decide how we will react to that which life throw at us.

Maybe it is fitting to celebrate this weekend, this renewed unity, together at the sea.

Spidermans

That is what E calls his underpants, and today that was what he wanted to wear to school. Just underpants and boots. We have not really attempted to potty train at all but today, instead of nappies, he was send to school with a bag of dry clothes and wearing his Spiderman's.

I am both sad and proud of him. Sad that my baby is growing up so quickly, proud of his self convidence and abilities.

I bought a pee stick again yesterday, somehow I do not think I am pregnant, but af has not turned up yet. She is never this late. It was negative but I am still a bit worried as I cannot dive if pregnant - so thinking I will buy another one if nothing happens before Friday. Maybe I should just have a beta to make doubly sure??

Playtime

Work is a bit quiet at the moment, so I have had some fun with Elrich

On my birthday dad and E played some rugby, giving me the opportunity to practice my action photo skills. This is the only photo E did not pose for, I am afraid that the only comment I can make regarding the rest of the shots is that my child loves being in front of the lens!! Suppose he grew up with a mammarazzi!!

At one of our Sunday Picnic spots! E loves his brim and always wears them in the car



Some fun yesterday morning before we left for school, it was all drizzly and wet and he posed for mom to click away in the garden

Swimming in pea soup

For our ten year wedding anniversary (Now five years ago) we qualified as advanced divers and bought ourselves some really nice gear. We both share a passion for the sea, but like a lot of other passions this was left forgotten at the bottom of the cupboard for the last three and a bit years.

Yesterday, we took ourselves of to a local dive training centre to see if we could still rig up and descent/ascent without blowing out eardrums.

It was fun - It took us at least 30 minutes to rig our gear, this used to take about 4 - 5 minutes. Another 10 to figure out our dive tables and then P could not remember how to tighten his fins to his feet. Our first attempt at diving took about 9 minutes, we stayed about 5 metres from the side (not intentionally) and then P popped - ascended without intend.

Breakfast and a bit of a conference later we got ready again - took us about 6 minutes to rig and plan our dive. I was 500g lighter so did not drop like a stone ( which I did the first time) we actually dived for 30 min, even if it felt surreal swimming in pea soup - there was NO viz and we had to hold hands at all times cause your buddy just disappeared if we were about a meter apart. We kept a constant 15 m depth, but at our five meter safety stop I could not dump my air fast enough and popped - that was the 500g lighter and the air I used out of my cylinder.

Hopefully we are more ready now for our diving holiday this weekend!! Yeah for four days of north coast fun in the sun!

Where does he get that?

E has started this annoying THING with spitting...a very big no no around our house.

He is sitting on the kitchen counter helping me to bake muffins. And he starts with it again. So I tell him, no spitting. Another little spit. A tap on the leg so he looks at me, I am intruding into his personal space with a stern 'Elrich momma said NO spitting' So he spits me right in the face.

Well, that was it!

Cheeky little bugger had to sit on his thinking cupboard and consider his options.

Loud crying, yelling and desparate calling for maaamaa..... but the anger was upon me

I left him there for at least 10 minutes.

A very teary little face apologised profusely - hopefully he will not try that again!

Who am I fooling??

I know everyone is special

But this lady is driving me nuts!!

Scenario: the swimming pool, eight kids (between the ages of 17 months and three), with their moms and teacher Bronwyn. We are all going through our little exercises, working in a circle - clockwise, except one mom. The same one that lets her kid jump into the pool in the middle of the lesson, splashing everyone's faces. Not once, not twice, but all the time! Then smacks him for doing same, whilst she is looking at the teacher.

E was watching this wide eyed and promptly did EVERYTHING he was supposed to without trying to tell me how it should be done differently!

In case you wondered, I am ready to move into another class.

Is it in the image?

Today I spend all day at a client, with Casey, my newest bestest friend. She helped to make me feel very professional, prepared and just plain zoosh!

Lots of research, thanks to Phil, has led me to the door of this very nifty little metal brain. Not only is she extremely sexy, she has all kinds of additional features, like a build in webcam and movie making software....mmmm can you all see where this is going!

E is totally fascinated by his face and voice talking back to him from the screen and we have had lots of fun playing with all our cool new toys.

My imagination is running wild already - working in the garden, tanning simultaneously, maybe the stables?? Or what about the little nature reserve around the corner, would that not be a good spot for some quiet contemplative writing work? Hah and here I was worried about venturing out of my musty little corner in the garage!

Cum'ing with a legal disclaimer

There is nothing like just tackling the bull by the horns so to speak....it has always been my prefered way of dealing with an issue in any case. Put it under the spotlight so we can see its ugly darn face

Phil's affair left me sexually very insecure. I did not really realise to what degree until I bought some interesting reading, and could not even get past the first mental exercise. So the said books sat in my cupboard for about a month. Two nights ago I mustered the chutspa to pull the one out aimed couples,
Daily Sex: 365 Positions and Activities for a Year of Great Sex! and we read through the introduction and decided that it definately beats the marriage councelling thing hands down.

So we have done 'Sideswiped' and 'Give the dog a bone' and I have learned that P is as insecure (if not more) than I am.

Positively Sexual

I am a scared little girl

My fantasy me is sexually outgoing, confident and desirable
My real me does not believe any of this

I have memories of feeling sexually powerfull
like a predator crouching over her quivering kill

This will require honesty, maybe more than I can deal with
But there is a dream, a goal, an amazon queen

Taking the plunge

I have been walking around with half baked business ideas for a while now.

Saturday I started doing something constructive about it and today I took the very first real step to blow life into this new creature. I must be honest. I am scared. Scared of trying, scared of failing, scared of wandering out of my oh so comfortable little corner in my garage.

But I have to do it, I have to test my ideas, I have to see if it can work.

I know I have the right team on board. We talk the same language, but with very different skills sets. Today, my partner to be just looked at me and said - you know what - you are brilliant!!!heheheheh I am just a little bit excited.

An ode to Elrich

I love you so much it hurts
I live my days in fear and hope
You have taught me to be unconditional
You show me how to look at the world through new eyes
You are teaching me to trust anew
Your cheeky personality makes me laugh
Your love for me helps me love myself
Your love for dad brings us as a family closer
Some days I want to run away and hide from you
mostly I want to keep you from hurt
I know that you will grow apart from me
but for now, can the world just stop turning
so I can hold you tight and forever cover you quietly at night.

Loosing my cool

Ack, today we had a public tantrum. I threw the tantrum and E ignored me, well actually, I threw a tantrum because e ignored me....then he would not push his trolley at all (this is in the local super market buying nappies and nanna milk.)

First, he ran around at the speed of white light, screeching around the corners into unsuspecting, but very patient shoppers (Cari was it you that said Cam did this to you? and here I was thinking we had some time still to get to that). So I told him if he cannot walk nicely with the trolley, I am gonna take it away from him. Then he refused to move even an inch - just imagine shoppers piling up on both sides of our little tableau in the middle of an already overcrowded, after work tired isle. E just stared at me through angry lashes, if I touched the trolley - a loud screech with "los uit mommy, los uit (leave it)" and more glaring. Well, stalemate was had until I took a five litre box wine of the shelve and proceeded to the checkout point - hell if I can't have copious amounts of good red, what is the point?

E tattled along and joined me in time to offload the stuff I bought, including some matchbox cars I did not put in the trolley. When I asked him if he brought his money (I was just taking a chance here) he looked very concerned and said that his money is gone. Believe it or not, but he took the car off the counter and deposited it on another shelve as he could not find 'his money'. Mommy bowled over completely, again. Maybe he just enjoys keeping me off balance at all times.

Some fun photos

The weekend at the elephants - unfortunately most of my photos did not come out as my camera was on the wrong setting. I almost feel as if I have to whisper when I admit to this autrocity (yikes). It is the ranger, E, my mom, dad and myself on the lefthand Ellie - named Themba, and Phil is on the younger and much more feisty Mabitisi. Here Themba is going through his exercises, kneeling down on command and getting a reward for his obedience. (The game ranger is rewarding him with some cubes which is why he has his trunk on his head)

Getting closer to this gentle giant - the softness of their seemingly coarse skins is just mind blowing.














A lazy Sunday morning - E watching his all time favourite 'The incredibles' . We have to rearange our lounge so the couch can be parallel in front of the screen for him to watch in comfort.

Sleeping all cuddled up to Kia And he is just LOVING his swimming lessons. Today the teacher said that he is just a water baby - like a little fish in the water. I am soooo glad, he definately share the genes

Getting my act together

When I brought my newborn home from hospital, I was armed with the little packed of chemicals that (together witht he b/f) would keep my fertility in check. A couple of months into this new life, I could not stand the chemically induced dryness of my cervix anymore and ditched the whole lot. What a relief to have my 'normal' (well as normal as a new mom's body can be) body back. In stead we opted for condoms, mind you not that we had any real need for anything as dh was hardly ever around......

We have talked often about going back onto the normal pill, but for some reason I am really hestitant bombarding my body with anything chemical. I have a real desire to get to know my body better, my emotions, my biological and physiological workings, all those mysteries of the mind and spirit. I think body rhythms and the flow of energy connects us all to life and forces of life - I want to BE, rather than be controlled. I want to function and to know me. I want to work together with who I am.....but when all is said and done. I do not want another babe - not just yet. I have too much still to accept, I have too many emotions to work through. Maybe I will never be ready and that will be fine as well.

Back to fertility and my body - I opted to find out more about NFP, I like it. I like learning about me and observing my natural body rhythms, the mysteries of emotions and hormones. I have just started a chart. This is not my first attempt but previously I was still bf and it was all over the place.

Now if I can just remember to take my temperature everyday (including weekends) maybe I will start to figure it out soon. Till then, latex will remain my close companion

Elephant kisses and call from school

We had such a fun weekend, My parents are up north on a week holiday and we went to join them for the weekend. I had to finish some work on Saturday morning (see previous post) but the three men went fishing and e even told us all long stories about the fish daddy cought. Not that it really happened - the kid has a huge imagination.

Sunday was just one big spoil. We went on an african elephant experience. Quite fun riding 6 meters of the ground on an enormous gentle giant. Temba and Mabitisi was our hosts and they both come from the wild and would have been shot if they were not adopted, trained and looked after by this game reserve. They are tasked to not only treat tourists, but to give therapy to disabled people, make movies (mad Mike from Animal planet was there on Saturday) to tell people about the plight of the African Elephant and believe it or not - to track poachers. Apparently they can run something like 80km an hour through the veldt and they have a sense of smell 14x stronger than that of a tracker dog. I do not want to be the offender if Temba comes storming down at me with all 8 tonnes and a game ranger on his back! E was very excited even if he was a bit intimidated by the sheer size of these animals. Whilst riding Temba, Mabitsi had his trunk come up all along Temba's back until he found little E sitting in front of granny, and gave him a little kiss on his leg. I told the game rancher and he mentioned that they always search out little children and have told on pregnant women even before they knew they were pregnant. It was amazing to experience the gentleness of such a huge and intelligent mammal. After the elephant ride we enjoyed a lovely bushveld lunch with Impala feeding on the grass not even five meters away!!

I really like this time of year

Oh and the call from school, was to tell me that E (the only little one still in nappies) was found sitting on the loo. He took himself of for a pee, took his pants and nappy of and was happily amuzing himself on the toilet seat! I am not throwing the nappies away as yet, but maybe we are getting there.

Do I gloat or cry?

So after we were rather rudely sidelined in favour of a politically more correct consultant to do the resubmission of a SLP to the Department of Minerals and Energy, we got roped back in today. Well, really begged to help since the big day is only 10 days from now and their repackaged and beribboned submission was thrown out, with a big question as to why on earth they thought it a good idea to change in the first place.

So yes I (we all) feel a bit smug, only thing is, that burning the all night oil will be our only resort for the next week or two!

It's not funny!!

E's vocab is suddenly expanding faster than I can keep up. Most of his sentences is in English, but if you ask him to name things he will give you the Afrikaans for it.

This weekend we went to a local trout farm to catch some sun and much needed fresh air (no pressure to bring home lunch) E loved it, he had his very own kiddies fishing rod and loved hitting the water and anyone in a meter radius with it. Phil rigged it with a proper barbed hook and a jellylike worm which apparently is irresistible to bass. I just gave this one look and hid the hook safely within the jelly worm so no one (especially not Elrich) got caught on the thing.

An enjoyable morning ended with an overtired little boy, so on the way out this was the conversation.

No momma (shouting)!!! Not doing dad....pappa, momma said sleepies (in this pathetic little voice- he loves tattling to us about what the other said or did to him) So daddy confirms that he is tired and needs to sleep. More shouting, Phil and me starting to giggle at him.....silence in the back of the car

Followed by this big angry voice 'Pappa, NOT FUNNY, NOT FUNNY!!!' so of course we could not help but giggle more. Shortly after the silence announced a sleeping little boy with a half grin on his face.

The little man also started with swimming lessons on Friday. He is set to go twice a week, on a Friday and Saturday. It is a big hit - he loves it. We swim with him and the whole lesson is made up of games, rhymes and songs, but they practice all the different strokes, holding onto the side, getting out of the pool and even swimming into and kicking away from the wall. E was in his element, definitely a little fish in the water. I am so glad, as both Phil and myself love water and swimming.

And I am going to look at a house today - to buy. It looks like the type of home Phil and I would really enjoy living in. It is on a fairly big yard, with a pool, 3 bedrooms, two inside entertainment/living areas with a paved patio and covered outdoor entertainment braai area.

Balmy Days

The weather has turned and the days are lovely. All I want to do every weekend is have a picnic somewhere next to water and trailing willow trees.

Recently, I cannot help but make comparisons between my life now to what I experienced this time last year.

In 2005: E just started school in August, and I started working for TEBA, doing their SLP's. We had to move during August as Kia (our dog) misbehaved and got us thrown out of the previous place, which was a lovely big farm house. I was a single mom mostly as P spend all his time 'working late', whilst fucking his business partner. I now refer to the debt he occured during this time as his 'fucking debt', scuze the pun. (I cleary still have anger issues here as I can just feel my heart rate increasing, pushing up my blood pressure and setting my mouth in a grim line). In another entry I wrote the beginning of August I was clearly playing with the idea of leaving p, but wanted to wait a month or two to sort myself out financially and just get into a better frame of mind. Little did I know then that he bubble would burst the first weekend in November - mainly because I started to put more and more pressure on p.

In 2006: Still busy with SLP's but for another company with totally other mining houses. I also have another client which is not related to mining at all and might be my entry into growing my little business a bit. E is doing well in his school and I do not feel guilty dropping him there at all. In contrast - I feel like an ogre for fetching him in the afternoons as we have a tantrum nine times out of ten because he wants to continue playing with his friends! My personal finances have made a total turn for the better and I can with confidence say I am independant financially, nothing as liberating as knowing that you are not in 'jail' anymore. This has restored balance in my relationship with p. I have to admit, the road to a secure and happy family has been emotionally really rocky for me and I am hesitant to announce that we have arrived. But I do believe we are making progress. As a very good friend of mine used to say - as long as your lows are higher than your previous lows, you are making progress.

We have started to talk about buying a house together, now for me, that is a huge commitment and one that would indicate a serious emotional 'deposit' from me. So on some days I look at the property market and others I just nose around to see what a rented cottage will cost me. I am finding it extremely difficult to throw myself 100% into this relationship, if all I really want to do is hold back in fear of getting hurt. Even though I realise that by holding back I am increasing the likelyhood of having this whole thing steer on the rocks.

In search of condoms

P said to me on Sunday - remember to buy condoms and razor blades...whatttt??? What do you want to do with that combination? Turns out he did not have anything sinister in mind, just two separate items on his shopping list...anyway it still is our current choice of birth control, even after the lost at sea scenario ;-). So, today I tried to track down our preferred brand and I could not find any condoms at the local chain store, at least not at their usual place right next to the razor blades.

Decided to drop into the rather large chemist around the corner, where you can usually buy anything from prescription drugs to expensive, imported make-up, as well as ginseng from somewhere in rural China. No condoms, not even those funny looking ones with the vibrator at the bottom. Me wondering whether there has been some severe shortage of latex (maybe related to the oil crises or the violence in Lebanon??) one never knows…Until I remembered to look for tampons as well.

Only to discover that condoms have been relocated, instead of keeping company with the masculine products of razors, blades and cologne, it now graces the shelves next to the tampons, hair remover and deodorant. Does this say somewhat about the feminine revolution of determining sexual habits in our culture, or is it just a clever marketing stunt? I do wonder how many males will find these little rubber friends without asking for directions.

New abilities

Today as we stopped at E's school and started our 'getting out routine' I noticed something very wrong.

E was not buckled into his carseat anymore

Instead he was standing on the seat with this silly, self important grin on his face

Asking him how on earth he managed that, he replied in this very thrilled confident little voice that he 'pushed with his fingers, out'

Uhhu I see that - staring back at him in horror.

So what on earth am I gonna do now? take two hours to drive five km to buckle my toddler back down every two seconds??

Snippets

It is SNOWING IN GAUTENG!! The last ime this happened was twenty years ago. We went from 22C yesterday to ice cold snow today!!

Our bedtime routine with E at night includes quiet play, stories and then a snuggle under the blankets. The snuggle bit with E is my bestest best - recently he has started to cup my face in both his hands, put his forehead against mine and then fall asleep. I must admit, I am addicted to it

I worked more than 200 hours over the last three weeks, yuck!! We got a new client yesterday and I am project consultant. A bit of an up in the responsibilities - so that is nice. Have to outsource some of my other work now though. Starting to think about expanding the business.

I went to a bookshop and bought a copy of my book today!! I have NEVER felt as smug as I did when I paid for it at the counter. Who would have thought that I would need to do that to really feel good about my accomplishment! I think it really sunk home today. So La-la land - your book is bought!!! Thank you for the patience ;-)

I bought myself a beautiful, tailored, pig skin leather jacket today!

July 29

This time of year is always hard. For me, July 29 defines sorrow and loss. Expressed in poetry....a friendship and a hurt too deep to understand

MVA 1966

A number, A Code
Maybe once a person
Life and the lack of it
Would that be...death?

Define it

Loss.... white framed by blue
A Clinical room - why blue?
The curtain, the blanket
A little blood
Soaking wet clothes and a dustbin bag
Is that what is left?

No

Memories
Sunlight in her eyes
Smoke and a sexy voice
Understanding
A body responding
Would that be sin?

Is love a burden?

How do you define an emotion, how do you explain a burning?
What is the difference between sorrow and ecstasy?

How many answers are there to a question?

Personality types

I think my kid has a type A personality.

Everything is always organised in straight neat lines, his cars, his books, his food and even the kiddies chairs at a local outdoor restaurant

I have never given any credence to starsigns, but this I find amuzing. The only person he shares this 'everything has to be in line trait' with, is my mother. And the two of them have the same starsign. Now, I would not run out and write a thesis on this, but it is a curious coincidence.

I have also started to let him loose in the shopping mall - pushing a kiddies sized trolley for mommy to shop with. HE LOVES THIS, and insists on putting everything in the trolley and taking it out at the till to pay for it. Now everytime we drive past a shopping mall he wants to go in and 'koop kossies, mama' (buy food). He loves shopping!! Maybe I will be the first mom to raise a male that enjoys shopping??!! Is this possible, or even wanted?

Crazy words

I have been working non stop, but in a short break the other day, my poor la la land buddy was left with this bit of poetry

How can you live
my life
from where you are standing
walk in my shoes
if
you want to feel my footsteps
I want to cry
In the agony of my red hot mind.


Not written for her, or about her, just crazy words racing from my mind

Photo shoot

So oupa came to visit and took all these photos with his new cellphone! Actually I was feeling like I had a stalker for the weekend, suppose my poor baby must feel like this all the time as I happily snap away!

The new sleek neat look with the hair all prim and proper - and a real pose to boot in front of his art on the bedroom wall.
For those 'foreigners' who know nothing about the SA potjiekos culture - this is the real thing happily stewing away on a wintery Sunday afternoon.
My baby growing up!
The famous 'treehouse' so yes, we indulged in some poetic licence. And my dear dh decided that if there were no branches sticking out it would not be a treehouse at all - now I have heart failure every time it even remotely looks as if e will play/ climb around on it. Fortunately for the sanity of all concerned it is barely a meter high - pheww

Techno Kids

I must admit, even though I spend a lot of intimate time with my computer, I am a novice when it comes to technology. For me, the press of a button are always executed with some feeling of trepidation, some deeply instilled fear of the unfamiliar.

Not so for young e.

Not only does he switch the TV on and starts his DVD all by himself, I caught him today, switching the TV on with his forefinger, whilst simultaneously switching the DVD player on with his big toe!!!! (our DVD player stands on the ground below the TV)

I am in awe, here be dragons no more!!

The mining site and other recent photos

Approximately one year from now this will be covered in gravel, tailing dams and mine dumps. Even though they do environmental impact assessments and are sensitive to any red data species, the reality is that money talks, and nature not. I suppose it is good for the economy and does employ a lot of people. Just sad that a beautiful remote area will become visually spoiled like that.

Autumn in the front and summer in the background, I just like the colours of the stones and slightly distorted view of the trees in the background here, this was taken at a weekend we spend a while ago with my parents at a local river.
I really like this study of a dead tree - going up for ages, suggesting the roots should be deep as well..mm I think I must enlarge and frame it with the similar study I did of the windmill...one iron, one wood - the same colours though.


This is such a warm photo, all credit to go to Phil though - he takes amazing photos in the dark. I have to work with natural light and shadows.

And the little man himself, caught unexpected by his mother. I love autumn colours and the falling leaves. He had his very first haircut shortly after the photo was taken. I need to take some pictures of him with his new sleek look

Internal Injuries

I am still bleeding on the inside - the symptoms are not always there, but the smallest things sets me off. Like Phil not phoning me, or not answering his phone when I call him. Looking at me, not looking at me. Making love, not making love.

I am not looking for faults and I am not saying anything to him, but I just keep falling to pieces half the time. Curling up in a fetal possie on our bed, surfing the net at ungodly hours, switching off in the middle of sex.

Is it just a question of time?

Should I be doing something else about this?

I want to be with him, I believe we can be happy together. We have everything anyone could ask for. How do I move on?

Small mercies

I am so glad this did not happen in my house!! Neither does any of these little ones belong to me or anyone I know!!

Yikes, but my mother has a story of my brother, me and a tin of black paint.

'Ogies' and other trouble in our house

The drive to school at the moment involves a lot of 'momma ogies die son skyn, feiss feisss' followed by 'momma draai links, draai links' the little voice at the back of the car getting louder and more demanding with each passing meter. This more or less translates to 'the sun is shining in my eyes, turn left' as he knows that if we turn left the sun will be behind us and we can all return to a peacefull conversation about all the trucks, backhacters, bakkies and cars passing us on the road.

E loves telling me what to do, and since he has learned that we turn either left or right at most stop signs or street corners, he keeps yelling to me which way to go everytime we slow down or come to a dead stop. This is rather funny most of the time as he clearly has no idea where we ought to go.

Last night I forgot that e insists on holding the cup and pouring the milk himself so I did it all for him without thinking even once about the reasons for the upset little face staring at me. I mean I am giving him the milk he asked for, yes?? My trouble got rewarded by a boy who calmly took the mug and turned it upside down on the floor - stating that he wants to hold the cup himself.

Breath in.......breath out, repeat a million times.

Desperate Measures

Last night I worked late in my little office - well a converted garage really, and every now and then I thought I could here my little guy crying. But it was not his usual time to be awake - if he does wake at night it normally is around three in the morning.

About fifteen minutes later when I eventually decided I better investigate, the poor kid was near hysterical. Standing on his toy dump truck (which kept on dumping him) he was trying to open the passage door in the pitch dark.

Needless to say, he was not impressed with his mother at all. A happy ending required the close presence of my body all night long.

Tension release

I think I can now with confidence declare that I am not pregnant

My period started, a bit early by all accounts, but still. The only concern I have is that I still wake up nauseaus most mornings. Could this be anything other but menstrual blood? There was a bit of cramping the first day, and the flow is definately more than I normally experience.... mmm

On another note, I am bone tired today. Yesterday I had to play Russian Roullette between dodging the potholes and missing the oncoming trucks for 6 hours. It was an exhausting trip on a very narrow mountain road, with nothing at the end of it. This road literally ends on a mountain, with no one around. No communities on the proposed piece of land for mining at all. I was very surprised. It is sad though that such a prestine nature area will be turned into slime dams and mine dumps.

Living in a Treehouse

Days like today make all the councelling and emotional hard work worth my while.

Sitting in the mild sunshine watching Phil labour away building little e a treehouse. The construction is no higher than a meter, but made by hand. Even the wooden slats was cut from a tree in our garden, cleaned and lashed together. Every boy needs a fantasy treehouse and this one is very cute. We weaved some younger flexible branches through the sturdy framework to make a kind of platform to sit on and there are various options for climbing and hanging.

It is simple and basic, but it glows with the love and pride of a dad for his son

Quicksilver or addiction?

I am chasing my thoughts around and just as I think I have them all rounded up, they burst into a miriad different little balls, scattering all over the place.

So I obsessively check all the blogs I read (and those are getting more numerous by the day), my email (maybe a reply from my bud in la la la land...or from Canada - No, only an invite to their housewarming - would love to come but it is a long trip and I am sure la la la land is still asleep), the forum.......nothing new.

Start rounding up the thoughts again.

Burst

Five minutes later I am checking the internet again.

Caught Out

I am still nauseaus.

Yesterday I had an early morning meeting close to one of our large malls, so I duck in there afterwards to buy a pee stick. It only had one line, I checked a couple of times. What amuses me is the fact that I felt a tiny bit of dissapointment at the sight. Dissapointment??? Oh come on girl...you should be estatic. This is crazy.

Phil shaved his head last night - a sure sign that he is feeling cramped. I think the corporate responsible job and scare of a pregnancy got to him. We need to communicate. Thing is, he is suppose to (by order from the councellor) to initiate conversations on sensitive, emotional subjects. He does not. So I will have to broach the subject and ask him, taking control, again.

I really do love him, and he is not a bad guy at all. He actually is very caring, considerate (do not want to hurt me - huge guilt complex there) so do not confront or discuss potentially hurtfull things. He does not get it that his non discussion is far more hurtfull, lonely and scary. And he is scared of disagreement, conflict or any other form of possible rejection. That keeps him safely hidden behind his ten foot walls.

Nausea

I have been nauseas for two days now, feeling like I have eaten a huge big cream cake. This is very much how I felt when I was newly pregnant with e. And my nipples are tingling, like my milk wants to come down........but it is only 7 days since the lost condom scenario. I also feel very amoreous, all the time, and overly emotional and my period is only due at the end of the month.

When Shae-lynne came to visit I told her that I do not want another kiddo, not now, and I don't think ever. The emotional trauma and associations I have with childbirth and young babies are not an argument for more children at all. She was not convinced. I am not ready though to throw the baby gear out either as this nagging little voice keeps on telling me my family is not complete. But geez, as is obvious, I am still trying to find myself and get our marriage back in the green zone.

I keep on telling myself it is just all in my head - and maybe it is. I had to laugh at a colleague the other day. She is about 18 weeks pregnant and she mentioned that it took her three weeks to acknowledge the pregnancy - kinda like if I dont say anything, maybe babe will just be reabsorbed in my body and I would not have to deal with all of it. And they were consciously trying to have a second child.......

On Trust

It not so much that I fear him having a relationship with another woman again

It is that I do not trust him to stick with us through thick or thin

It is that I do not trust he is truly happy with me

It is that I do not trust he wants me

It is that I think he is doing this marriage thing because he believes it is right

It is that I fear loving him and being lonely again

I will rather be on my own than be an emotionally isolated wife

The comrades

So we were all gathered on the roof top last night - happy faces, proud faces, families, colleagues and good friends.

The view was freaking amazing, sundown over the city with the mine dumps, slums, skyscrapers and glossy glassy financial headquarters all bathed in burnt orange and smog. It is winter in the highveld and the fires are burning.

I think my friends were prouder of my accomplishment than I were myself.

My copy was signed by the editors and the few die heart party animals that stayed later than the rest. I only got my copy right at the end as I was too focussed on having fun and drinking - more - redwine. Goodness, I am not an alcholic, I promise. I just seem to be celebrating a lot lately heheheheheee

And I am still busy grading papers

Grading papers

So after yesterday's over indulgence in good red wine, I have to finish grading all the papers today. I have been silently suffering through badly written essays for long enough now....This takes the cake:

Since they are worried about money, there is a new idea for the toilet role business. What's good about this idea is that globalisation can tell the world it has arrived. What the tile role business can do is create a new toilet role. On this new toilet role they can print the freedom charter on it. This is the sad reality of South Africa . Equal rights and equal opportunities are reduced to the value of toilet role. Such situations can make one vomit.

The above is an unedited rendering of the original intellectual contributions my students are making regarding globalisation and neo liberal policies. Whilst I appreciate and agree with his viewpoint, this is a long paper in post graduate studies. Comparisons with anal functions are a little bit out of place, I would think.

X rated entry

Before you read this, know that I am well wined

Last night we had sex, good sex, so good that the condom got lost in me. I did not know that this could happen, but it did. Hopefully Shae-lynne was not be conceived. This is the girl that visited me in my dreams, and told me that I am to be her mother.

Today I had too much red wine, far too much. I am typing this as e is bathing with daddy - trying to get the bright blue paint from his nekkid body. We spend all afternoon in the garden, galloping with e and drinking lotsa red wine. Did I tell you that I loved red wine. Did I mention that every word has been typed twice?? On tuesday it is the book-launch - I am hurt cause mom and dad could go to my bro's courtcase, but my book launch is too expensive. I know I am whining, but why should negative attention attract more than the positive??

My clean cut two year old's gay god father will be visiting soon - I cannot wait for his arrival as he always seem to cheer the little guy up no end!!

Ok, enough now!!

Growing Up?

We have made progress

Tonight I caught E drinking straight from the milkbottle. No fuss. No mess. He even put the cap back on and returned the whole lot to the fridge. I am not sure whether I should be pleased or horrified.

He will go for his very first hair cut tomorrow, at 13:30 at a kiddies place called 'Chop It' I am very sad that his baby locks are gonna go. Thing is, he does not have a lot of hair, it is just so stringy and untidy now.

For some reason he decided this week to call Phil by his first name - so now there is this little voice in the house calling 'Phillie.....Philliieeeeeee' Is this good or bad?

His favourite pass time is to stand in the bath, bend his knees, arch his back slightly, grap his penis and pee on everything in sight.............He will NOT pee in his potty.

A toddler in the house

What used to take a couple of minutes now need a special time 'budget'

Bathing is the best or the worst, depending on how you look at it: I am sitting on the toilet seat. E is standing in front of me with his shirt half off, screeching at the top of his voice. But I am not allowed to help - it is his struggle and his alone. Next comes the shoes, those are much easier...he stands bend over, one hand on the bath, the other struggling with the heal of his boots. The same boots that he loves so much he now sleeps in them too. One boot, one sock. Other boot, other sock - both in the laundry basket. Followed by what I have termed the pants dance. He pulls them down till the body is out and then tapdances on the legs until he has freed himself. This procedure takes about 20 minutes of loud yelling, sometimes spiced with growls and less than savoury vocabulary. The nappy is easy peasy and then he climbs into the bath - to proceed with making 'bommies' in the water. Jumping as high as he can, folding his legs into a seated possie and landing on his butt - covering everything in a flood. I know - I am not strict at all and boy does it look like fun!!

Drinking milk is next - he has to hold both the milk bottle and his cup, and pour the milk himself. I stand on attention with mop, not allowed to even look like I am gonna touch or help. 'Noooo no helpy momma, no helpy!!'

I don't take him with me to the shops anymore because he wants to do everything for me - from selecting the food to unpacking and scanning it at the till... he even insists on getting the card out to pay.

He has to cut his own food - and if it is cut before hand, he will not eat it. Unless everybody at the table's food is looking the same way. He also has to get in and out of his highchair with no assistance.

We now wake up in the morning with him yelling and kicking his door - all dressed in jacket and boots with light in his room on, ready to go 'outside' - at 6:30 when it is just starting to get light and still freezing cold out.

I love it - I love him being so independant and strong willed. I laugh at him, I lock us in different rooms to protect him. I have smacked him - something I swore I would never do. I run and put my head under the pillow, desperately thankfull that Phil is there to take over.

A View From the Middle

Finally - our book has been published and the launch will be in three weeks time. For me, this book represents far more than just the inclusion of my chapter. During the four years from the start of the research project, until the publication of this book, my life changed, stretched, grew and hurt a lot.

Deep emotional losses were paired with heights of joy, passion and the sweet taste of success. I lost my soul's sister, but gave life to a beautifull little boy. Motherhood started as a lonely journey filled with insecurity, guilt and an overwhelming feeling of failure. My marriage changed from safe haven to cold prison. I learned a lot through this, and am glad that I was fortunate to experience these things. I came to love myself. Just like the title suggests - I think I can now view things from the 'middle' rather from the far right or left.

The launch of the final product also coincides with the launch of my career as an independant research and business consultant and the 're-launch' of my marriage. Both will require a lot of dedication and hard work, but I, for one, don't see any reason why fun and adventure cannot be written all over the future.

Walking into myself

I have learned to love my emotions - all of them. I am learning to share those emotions - all of them. I am validating me.

Does this hurt you?

Let's talk about it

I can talk about me, can you talk about you?

No, you are not responsible for all of me, I am

Fortunately he is cute!!

E has won the 'stubborn award' for months in a row now. Even his school is commenting on how stubborn the little fellow can be. And this about simple things, like please and thank you. He understands what is required, can do the minimum and way more, but on some days he just refuses. Point blank - and no amount of cajouling will convince him otherwise. He will even sacrifice his snack for this, and just as you are about to give up - mister charming turns on the angel face and everything is forgiven. With the responsible adult feeling lower than shark shit.

Looking good

I have ridden Shanie now three days in a row, and he is still sound. I admit we have not worked very hard and definately no jumping - but he is feeling well and trotting absolutely even. Tomorrow we will do some proper work and then on Saturday go for a bit of a longer outride. Then we will see what we will see. I have decided that if he cannot jump anymore, we will focus seriously on dressage and I will go talk to my ex coach and professional to see if I cannot ride/jump some of his horses once a week. That would work out very well for me and I could still enjoy many wonderfull rides with Shanie-lee

I got feedback regarding my photos - they are nice and moody, I might have a flair for this type of thing and let's see what the future holds. Mayhap a tiny little private dream of mine might still be realised in this lifetime.

Sweaty Palms

and a dry mouth...

and all I was doing was selecting some of my photos for a portfolio. I even know her on a personal level and she will look at my work before sending (or not) it to a real critic. I feel vulnerable and exposed. Not sure why...it is not exactly as if this will have a big influence on me, my life or who I am.

My life in a sandbox

In today's councelling session we did sand box therapy. Building a story in two sandboxes, the one dry, the other wet. Lots of different props to get the imagination going.

We build a medieval/fantasy scene, complete with a dragon, castle, peasants and a DARK WOOD. Interesting thing was that we subconsiously copied the wet sand box onto the dry sand, but in a dark way. On the wet sand was a castle, a dragon in a crystal forest, and peasants working in a field with some lifestock. Phil fenced everybody in with moats and wooden fences and I was the isolated mythical dragon in a crystal cave. On the other sand box, we had a dark wood instead of a castle, treasure instead of a dragon and an oasis instead of peasants. Some comic relief cheered the dark forest up. Even though Phil selected the dark forest, I positioned it, in actual fact - I really build the dry sand box whilst Phil provided the props.

It was only in the discussion afterwards we realised how strong your subconscious mind really works. Phil had a complete emotional breakdown and we feel closer than ever.

Perhaps the rainbow will be discovered in a sandbox?

It is not gonna happen

This ship will never float, and at least it seems like Phil is going to accept it! There were a huge fight between the different parties of the new proposed joint venture with the fleet management stuff, and the whole deal is off! So, Phil is unemployed. He would have started to work there on Tuesday, instead he is home playing computer games. His cv is out on the web, and he has received quite a couple of responses, so now the long wait for the right job at the right place. We are even investigating moving out of town, to the coast!! Yeah, I have always wanted to be closer to the sea. For me, this would mean travelling to existing clients and working hard at establishing new networks.

Feelings - I am a bit concerned with finance, but VERY happy that Phil will be out of that industry and the possibility of moving FAR away from bad memories and people I do not want to bumb into at shopping malls!! I think that this is the best thing that could have happened for us. Now to wait it out and see what, where, when and how?!!!

When friends grow old

Shanie has been my companion and close friend for nearly a decade. It was love at first sight, this scrawny mall nourished ugly little baby just had to be mine and I bought him the Christmas of '98. He was just four years old and so thin you could see the vertebrae in his neck. That was the start of a friendship too close to describe to anyone else. I love him dearly and he has been my buddy, father, councellor and biggest confidant for the last eight years.

When my closest friend died in a horrendous accident one sunny day in July, I was riding him as I felt her leaving the earth. It was in his stable I slept when Phil left me the first time 8 years ago. He was the first friend E got introduced to after his birth and it was on his back that I tried to sort through my thoughts on Phil at the end of last year. When I ride that little boy I feel like we can achieve anything, like nothing in this whole world could ever be too difficult to overcome. Jumping him gives me the convidence to look the world in the face and smelling his horsey breath connects me to earth and the roots we are all tied into.

He has been slightly lame for a bit so we took some X-rays of the offending leg. The vet had me come into her practice on Wednesday to discuss the results. It seems that there are a lot of bone changes in this one leg (he crashed into a jump a couple of months after I bought him and got so badly cut that he received more than 20 stitches across his knee. Even though he is sound and has retained full flexion on that joint, he has distributed his weight differently on that leg ever since). The prognosis is not clear, but I bought him some supplements and his shoes will be changed. The vet could not tell me whether my baby will be ok in the long run - she says he might be fine for another 8 years or he might be in constant pain within the next three months. I feel totally devastated as I have always imagined we will have many more years to come. He is still relatively young, but the lack of nutrious food at a young age - during the forming years, has obviously had an influence on his bone structure. Something I have always feared.

Even if I do not have to make any hard decisions today, how should I think about this? I do not believe in keeping an animal in pain just because you love it too much to let go. But how to let go of my dearest little friend???

New projects

Just as I was lamenting the fact that my crazy schedule has slowed down and that there were no real projects in the very near future - read cashflow problems, I got this phonecall. From the South Africa National Parks Board, to invite me to quote on a desktop study, which will be the start of a far larger project. In community development and poverty relief in the rural areas surrounding the 21 national parks - now does that sound like me or does that sound like me???

I was soo excited - this is the first time that I have been invited to submit a quote under my own name - normally these things happen through the two 'agencies' or bigger businessess I consult through. PLEASE hold thumbs that I will get the job!!!! I need this soo bad as a professional, it is not even funny.

Just to stretch myself a little bit on the convidence and creative side, I discussed my photography with a good friend/ marketing consultant today and she suggested I email her my pride and joy and if she think's it is good enough - she knows an agent always looking for young artists and organises exibitions and consignments. Ack - I have never had a real crit look at my work and it is really personal. But I want to do it so bad....professional photography was my first choice for studies as a young girl but the course and equipment was too expensive for my parents, so I had to wait till I was in my 30's before we could afford a halfway decent camera and lenses.

Family matters

Oi vey it is cooking around here!!

The parents in law is getting remarried, the divorce was only a couple of years ago. All the time they were married previously it was a bit of a love hate affair. Now they have turned super religious and are taking ago at life together. Maybe they are just trying to chase the lonely bugs and fears of latter years away.

My bro screwed up somewhat and will spend his 36th birthday in jail. Not sure what the ramifications of that will be and how his future will pan out after this bit of trouble. My poor mom has been in tears for near on a week now, but as all good and loving parents will do - supports him all the way and tries to organise his life. My father is just a wreck and paces up and down till all the carpets will need replacing.

The bil's, well the older one is just finishing his role in the Sun City extravaganza and will move onto the next eye catching stage personality. His struggle with his sexuality and place in the world is ongoing, but at least he has come to love and accept himself. Something his parents are still trying to come to terms with. When will they stop trying to convince him that he is not gay??

The younger one - he is still trying to find his place in the world and has turned to scientology for all the answers. I just wish he will investigate the world and read wider before he devotes himself to such a restrictive lifestyle. Suppose we should take a bit better care of him as he is out on his own to a large extend with no tertiary education and no means to attain it. He really got the bottom end of the drawer. But he is such a nice young man and he really is doing a good job supporting himself on a minimal income. Even bought himself his pride and joy in an old dilapidated little car.

Phil resigned his job and will be working for the company that bought the other business in which he had interests, but which never really flew. That business not only cost us a lot of money, but nearly our marriage (and we are still not out of the dark) so the associations I have with it is not all that positive. Suppose, if you do not risk you do not gain. Lets see if we can keep it all together this time round.

We are back!

I told the story and posted the fun pics on the Spring 2004 board, so no sense in repeating myself. What I did not show and tell are my attempts at art, and this I will share here:

Firstly, the very expensive window breaking photo (E pressed the central locking on our car as he closed the door - this on a deserted road in the middle of the karoo. So we broke two windows to get into the car. Yes, two. Because I suggested breaking the small triangular back window first, we could however not get the car open so Phil had to break the large back window as well. Turns out the small window is about 3 times more expensive than the big one - I will never live this down)

I love this photo of the grass seeds, I took this using the manual function on my camera with an extended exposure. When I take photos I love playing with perspective and contrast. In the next photo I tried to tell the onlooker how long, lonely and outstretched this road really is
Phil does not really like this photo, because I held the camera skew when it was taken. I can see his point, as the left angle of the horizon is rather bothersome. Oh well - I was kneeling in the dirt to try and get my face as close to the earth as possible - but will look out for another opportunity and try to not have a seasick horizon.
The next photo is one of my favourites. It is of a 'windpomp' not sure what that might be in the English language and I love Love love it!! I was kneeling inbetween thorns in an open veld when I took this and my aim was to get it to fill the whole lens from corner to corner. To have a sense of it growing out of the ground and on for forever - towards the sun and the clear skies of the karoo.

I tried a couple of other shots on the way to Graaff Reinet but non of them are nice or tell the story I wanted it to tell. So, no sense in the boring details.

In Knysna it self, we stayed right at the edge of the Knysna forest and we went for a walk at Diepkelders, a rather long and strenous walk in the forest which ends in a narrow valley with a river and deep, mountain cold, water pools.
In the forest it self I took this photo of what I named the Faerie glen. It was also taken on manual with an extended exposure. The forest is quite dark and smells of mulch and water and ancient life.

Down in the valley I tried to take a photo of the water flowing over the stones with the intention of capturing the movement. This is the first time I have ever attempted to do something like that and with a little bit of advice from Phil, this was the result. I am very proud of my effort.
And on our second last day we went to the Elephant Sanctuary were we had the opportunity to touch and feed these magnificent animals. It was one of those truly larger than life experiences.
We had a lovely time and even if every day was just too short, we managed to rest and have fun together as a family. We also managed to have a deep soul discussion and I think that the way forward for us as a family will be exciting.

Now unfortunately, I have a mountain of work to do and no motivation for it whatsover!!

All ready???

Yip - we are leaving for holidays tomorrow morning at some dark hour - not that I have packed one piece of clothing yet. Still working to finish some stuff for clients that got behind with our camping in the clinic this week past. Fortunately E got a clean bill of health this morning, well kind off - we are armoured with a whole bag of medicine and back up telephone numbers, but the ped seems to think that clean sea and forest air will be just the thing for him.

I am too scared yet to get excited, so much to do still before I can start thinking that I am on holiday. But I am sure it will start to become reality for me soon enough.

I phoned the Phillipolis people today to confirm our booking, we dont know yet where we will stay in Graaff Reinet, but that is half the fun, Yes? Snacks and medicines are packed and waiting on the kitchen counter and I spend some money on a couple of new clothes and a hairstyle...lol, nothing like 'getting ready' to relax. Besides, some retail therapy after a stressed out week is never a bad thing.

Oh and I got good news today - the book I have a chapter in has been published and the first formal launch is the 6th of June, with press and speakers and cocktails!! I am so excited, it has been a long two year process of which I was not even fully aware, apart from the numerous drafts I wrote after the initial one got accepted. So, watch out for 'Globalisation and New Social Identities: A View From The Middle.' A rather thought provoking book - to certain readers, and my bit is all about identity and communication technology - specifically chatrooms!!! hehehehe, none of you feature there. Funny enough, I joined the boards after the research was completed when I tried to find a way of coping with a surprise pregnancy, lol.

Fuck It!!!

Elrich and me found ourselves sitting on a cot in the pediatric ward of our local, very expensive private clinic. Tubes and wires are running from his nostrils and left hand to various machines whirring on the background. It is dusk and his about third nebuliser treatment was, for this our first day in hospital, just completed. He looks around him at all the blinking lights, sighs deeply and then exclaims in this rather loud toddler voice: "Fuck it!!"

I could not help but agree with him.

Even thinking back, no other expression coming from anyone could have summed up my or his emotions in a better way. So I agreed, and left it at that. Not sure what the other two mothers thought of his insight in matters emotional.

Poor kiddo, he will probably be in hospital till Thursday with bronchial pneumonia - maybe that was what my small voice of disaster was all about?? Should I take a newly out of hospital kid on a cross country trek?

Going on holiday!!

Next week Friday we are set to leave for 10 days holiday!! I am very excited to go, even if some little sceptical voice keeps telling me that something will happen and we would not be able to go. This voice has been so convincing that I have left confirming our booking so long at the one place that we lost it - fortunately I could find another little place close by, a bit more pricey but as nice and they gave me a 10% discount on the overall booking. SO I paid the deposit, and confirmed that we will be there. I still have a nagging feeling that something are gonna prevent us from going, maybe it is just all the disappointments over the last two years that is raising its ugly head here??

Well here is a link to the place we are gonna stay at www.forestedge.co.za, isn't it just totally gorgeous and romantic??

We are taking a slow drive down there, it is about 1,200 km. First night we are sleeping in a little town called Philippolis, who has the dubious reputation of being in the centre of SA, and one of the oldest towns in the freestate http://www.philippolis.org.za/ . Our plan is to leave home Friday night and get there in time for breakfast and E waking up. After a relaxing day spend investigating the town and surrounds we want to drive to Graaff - Reinette the next day http://www.graaffreinet.co.za/, where I want to go the Valley of Desolation and Nieu Bethesda http://www.nieubethesda.co.za/. WE will be in this area till the 12th of April, after which we drive down to Knysna, Forest edge and my best friend's wedding Saturday the 16th of April. I think it will be fun and we are visiting places I have never seen as an adult.

After all the crazyness of March, a relaxing quiet holiday in beautifull scenery with good food is just what we need!! Now lets hope it all happens as planned.

It is Friday!!

We made it! true to form though, my client changed deadlines on me and the presentation was yesterday. I had to work like fiend on Wednesday, halfway through the day I discovered that one of the functions I was using in SPSS has expired. EXPIRED!!! We just payed 12 g's for this programme and one of the function expired after three months! Turns out that they allow you to use the full funtionality of the programme for a month after you started to use the package and then some of the more 'advanced' functions expires and you have to pruchase it as seperate modules - for another 7 g's a shot!! Seven thousand to use the tables....I nearly had a heart attack. Told the client I could not do the one graph for him and then woke up Tursday morning at 3:30 with another solution to the problem clear as day in my head. SO I got up, changed the report and presentation and emailed it to dear client - must have reached him at 5:00 in the morning. He was over the moon when I told him and all in all the presentation went really well!

So that is one job taken care of, now all that remains is the Thabazimbi stuff - I have done the exam paper, organised the external and even made a spare moment this morning to ride Shanie. LIfe is starting to look more relaxed - still have to find a place to stay at Knysna for our holidays week after next.....Ack, Still waiting for my client to pay me, guess I cant pay deposits until that is sorted.

It is done - almost

The first draft report was handed in to the client, before the deadline.....now it is not 100%. A bit of editing here and there, some tables and charts to add and cleaning of the TOC, but it is 90%.

Typically to my style, though , I totally overperformend and the client cannot believe the quality of this, my half done draft. I am very happy, relieved, and totally deflated.

I think the pressure and stress of motherhood, my marriage, and successfull professional nearly burned me out. I could not see out of my eyes for a good 3 days and on our Thabazimbi trip (again) on Wednesday my collegue kept telling me how "absolutely terrible' I look.

Gee thanks, I now feel much better knowing I look exactly like I feel.

So, life is slowly winding down. Only one more totally crazy week in which I must complete the Thabazimbi stuff, present my last honours class for this quarter, hand in the exam questions, finalise the draft report and prepare a presentation of the results to the Exco on Friday morning.

Falling back

I feel like I am taking one step forward only to fall three back

It seems to me that we are going to this marriage councelling and it is wonderfull but real life did not change

I still feel lonely, cut off and isolated

I try to talk to phil about it and he says that he is just tired. Now what does that mean? Is he depressed, unhappy or overworked.

He agrees with every thing I say, but nothing changes

It is so frustrating

When is enough enough, and how would I know that the rainbow is not around the next corner?

Go away!!

As I am wrestling with Elrich to get him undressed and in the bath, all I hear is 'go away - go away!!" Now standing upside down trying to undress a two year old rolling on the bathroom floor, whilst you have your own swollen, throbbing eye is just no fun. So I decided to take his advice and 'Go away' . It took about 2 seconds flat for him to be on my lap, cuddling into my arms as I sat exhausted on the toilet seat.

What a cute little body.

The fight started all over as soon as I put him in the tub!!I do not know why he did not want to bath tonight, maybe it has something to do with the medicine that have been following bathtime all week this week...

That's it!!

Now I have an eye infection!! I can only see out of the right eye as my left one is soo swollen, I look like a war hero. And if that is not enough that I now do analysis with a bandage around my head and two dimensional vision, they have moved my deadline forward to Friday! This Friday, yikes that is the morning after tomorrow!! And I have only one eye and so much to do

Fortunately E is fine and the school does not think he needs to spend his time at home recovering anymore. Can I send anyone a sicknote? Do you think they'll care???

The report

Everything is conspiring against me making a success of this darn Customer Satisfaction Survey - first it was the clients who insisted on being an integral part of the fieldwork, who did not bring their side and caused the whole thing to run three weeks late. Now three weeks late when you are already on a tight schedule is no fun. Then the away trip for my other client came up the day after I got the results back from the CSS. Another week gone as I had to capture and analyse their results first - see, they pay per hour and if I invoice before the 13th of the month I still get it that month. Very important survival money, as my other client pays at the intervals throughout the project and the last payment will be at the end of the report. Which brought me right up to mom's party and the final arrangements for that, in the same week Phil and I had a couple of though days/nights and I missed another day. So, effectively I was left with ten days to do the analysis (of 400 odd variables, that must be recoded etc) and write a report that will go the Premier's Office, be published, and directly influence the pockets of about 3000 people working in local government.

No pressure girl, except that now Elrich is sick. I had to fetch him from school early on Monday, yesterday he stayed home with me. I am gonna send him to school this morning, but my heart is in two. The poor little guy has an awfull cough, at least the fleghm is white and his nose is not really runny. He is also eating fine and seems to play and run around a lot so it cannot be too serious, right?

The Party

Mom turns 60 on the 14th March and in celebration we gave her a party yesterday. Now this was no mean feat as I decided nothing less than a three course, sit down plated dinner will do - at a venue 200 odd km from my house. And as I am the only daughter, with a very disorganised and unsupportive elder brother it was kinda my problem to ensure a most memorable experience. Fortunately she has good friends and I could rope some of them in to help organise the tables, chairs and the decorations of the venue. Friday was spend with me rushing around all over town gathering all the most sumptuous fresh ingredients and packing it in such a way that it could be transported safely to Klerksdorp early Saturday morning.

The food was Mediterranean/ Italian with a bit of a SA flavour - a starter of Proscuitto et Melone and Kiwi fruit, Main course was the softest fillet marinated in rosemary, olive oil, balsamic vinegar and garlic gloves - grilled over an open wood fire, with Potato and Parmesan gratin and a side of sunripened Rosa tomatoes, basil and buffalo mozzarella balls. For desert there was chocolate mousse cake to die for and espresso, or herbal teas Yummmm Everything was beautiful and each dish complimented the other to make for a really well rounded beautiful dinner party.

I am not sure why I got the idea all the time that my mom thought I missed something, she said thank you a lot and complimented me, but there was a little bit of the spontaneity missing and I feel like I somehow failed her.

And while I am at it

I dont seem to get the SPSS file right in any case - this is now for the report I am late with already, I will just play some more and upload some family pictures that I developed at the same time as the wedding photos...

This is one of my favourite recent photos of Elrich, taken at the recent fishing/picnic trip. I am sure E will be forever mortified if he had to know he graced my blog in the nude, but I wouldnt tell if you don't.

On the right we have the wiremaker, this guy lives in absolute poverty in a informal settlement but handmakes the most neat diamont wires ever seen. The stones at the bottom provides tension to ensure even, square blocks. I keep on thinking about Schilpadsnest as a 'space of hope' not desolation. More so if you can live with such bold colours on your house. To me it seems more of a statement of energy and lifeforce, not poverty and depression.

hehee and another favourite - quality time

And at the very last, to the readers (if any) that dont know us, a little family portret. Phil took it with the remote function on our very nice if slightly outdated Pentax MZ7, my trusted companion and friend to most places I visit

The nightmare did not come true!!

So here are a couple of my absolute favourites. There are plenty really nice ones but these just have a special feel to them.

Professional photographer

Yip, as if I have not enough Sociology to do, I agreed to be a professional wedding photographer! I will admit, I have NEVER done anything like that ever in my life before!!! The 'evil deed' took place yesterday. I will only have time on Tuesday to hand the films in for development, so till then I must hold my breath and hope to die if the films does not come out. You know those cold sweaty palm nerves when you dream you are running around outside without your nickers?? Well I am kinda thinking, what if somewhat went wrong and the films are blank????

I only took 288 shots of the bride getting dressed, the ring ceremony, candles, family, the posed loving husband and absolutely gorgeous bride and then the after party. Luckily, I could hand the camera over to phil by then as I am just not confident enough to do steal photos at night indoors. Not my scene at all, unless it is just for personal enjoyment. Phil is very good with the camera, he just does not have a very good eye for composition. So, if the photos do come out - I will let you all have a little peek!

I must be honest though - I loved every minute of it!!!

Have we a Picasso in the family?

I absolutely love the expression on Elrich's face as he studies his amazing work of art. what he cannot go without when he gives himself over to his artistic urges, is the toilet paper. He has to keep his fingers clean at all times, even if the job is finger painting

Phases

This marriage rehabilitation thing is taking me through a lot of different phases. One of the things I learnt over December was to embrace all emotions. We so often only want to feel one or two emotions at best - happiness and a form of comfort. Well I did at least. I have learnt to feel and relish in anger, deep dark sorrow, dissapointment and hopelessness. I have also met 'who gives a fuck', ' I dont need that you' to 'please can this just all be over with now as I want my normal life back'.

Today in councelling I had a really good breakdown, not crying no, white hot teeth clenching rage - I could feel my eyes burning as I spat the words out. I voiced my anger, my disilusionment - I clearly stated that if phil is not prepared to come into contact with himself and actually face up to his own issues and past - then I am out of it. I will not carry on with this if I have to have the same relationship with him that what we had before. He is so emotionally cut - off from himself that he cannot even tell us what makes him feel loved, or not. Even though one of the things he screamed at me two months ago was that he just wanted a lover - so I ask 'what is a lover to you? what made you start a relationship with a woman that is permanently on happy pills? Who cannot even sleep at night for the stuff that haunts her dreams?

Some days all I can do is remind myself of the fact that the relationship is important to me, that emotions change over time and that I truly believe we can have a really amazing, love filled future together.