Our Holiday in Pictures

In Malaysia, I was in love with the beaches, the sea and the scenery. And before anyone asks - no I did not take a photo, there will be no evidence of my folly ;-)
Please can I join the circus school? I LOVED the trapeze, I honestly spend most my free time on flying through the air. Or floating when I was not flying hehehehehe
Our christmas tree - I could not get it to stand up straight. Oh well, at least we had a tree and it had lights and pressies underneath
A crater caused by an asteroid - this is typical scenery in the North West Province were my folks stay
E on the airoplane, we are on our way to Knysna!!
Our budding photographer on Gillie's lap - she is my soul-sister and living in Calgary - too far away is what I say
E playing cards with the big boys on one of the little boats
All of us for a sail on Charlotte - it was so much fun!!

The world is just such a strange place right now

E did not want to go to school today, he would have gone anywhere else but not to school, my home, his daddy's house, oupa - but please mom, I dont want to go to school! he was crying and clinging to me as they pried him from my arms

My close friend got hijacked yesterday. They held a gun to her head as they made her lie face down on the brick drive way. Then they manhandled her as they stole all her jewelry from her body. Fortunately she did not get really hurt

There is a man that wants to give me everything I have ever wanted with Phil. I am not even close to ready to let him into my life. It is really weird though as I have such a strong desire at the moment to be part of a happy family, have more children, have somebody come home to me and love me. Feel emotionally secure in the knowledge that we are a little unit that will face life together.

Embrace Me

'Hold my hand I'll help you through it'

the offer is genuine

it is coming from someone that actually really cares

cares so much he is scaring himself

but still he will stand there for me

when I can offer him little in return

when all I want to do is run away

far far away

It is conversations like this that really gets to me

Mom, you do NOT have your own house
Yes baby we do, remember we have our new house that is for mommy and Elrich
No you dont, you must go and live with daddy
but baby, we cant do that, we have our own house and we must stay there
No mom, you must go and live with daddy for a looooong time
Why must I live with daddy?
Because you love him
But baby I love you very much
Yes, you love me, but you also love daddy, that is why. You love both me and daddy and you must go and stay with him for a long time

I am in a really bad place right now

I so wish I could turn the clock back
I wish Phil would have made better decisions
So we could still be a family

Work has really slowed down for me
to a trickle
I know it is the beginning of the year
and it will start up again soon
but i really dont have the energy to do anything about it
I have names and numbers to call for business
but I am too scared that they will say
NO

I think if they do, I will just curl up and cry

On Mortality

Mom I don't want to die
cause wise if I am dead
you will miss me too much

It is all a process

I still miss him
My body sometimes aches for his touch
I have vivid dreams of us doing fun things together

but at least
I dont wait for him to come home at night

Of all the things we cannot eat

We are driving to John's house (another story) to go for a swim and catch up on the sun, shining for the first time in ten days. E and me are having a little everyday conversation when he starts reminding me of all the things we should not be doing

Mom we must not smack
No E we dont smack people
And we must not be rude
no we must not be rude to people
.....and mom we must not eat houses
? no e, we dont eat houses
And we must not eat grass
No we dont eat grass
And we must not eat childrens
??? no E we dont eat childrens
yes, cause wise their mouths are dirty and so we cant eat them
and the list of things we are not allowed to eat carries on for a loong time, it includes, ants, airoplanes, flies, cars and walls. To end with mom, we only must eat food - very satisfied smile on his face

Then the back seat driver pipes up - careful mom don't crash your car! No e mom will be carefull because we dont want to crash our car. Yes, if we crash our car, it will be broken and we will have to walk and that will be trouble. Yes, my son, big trouble and a new car is expensive and we dont have money to buy another one.
But mom, I have money, I will buy you a new car - it will blue and a faster space-ship car! And of we went on a discussion of spaceships and faster cars, which ended in him being reminded of the the 'faster boat' he rode in over the holidays....

Non-Sense-Ability

Of all the things in life that don’t make sense
To me it is emotions that are the most confusing
How can you want and not
Equally?

A gift
Or a burden
Pleasure
Or pain
Freedom
Or captivity

They are all the same

What I received in my inbox last night

hi darling
i am in holiday in tunisia at home
i want to see you again i miss you it s possible to come to cherating 50% discount i will be very happy to see you againt thing abaout i thing a lot of you kiss s

Did I mention we had a slight problem with understanding each other? At least when he writes you dont have to try and figure the accent out as well. Sadly I dont think I will be visiting anytime soon, if ever.

One level up!

My little guy has been attending swimming lessons since he was 18 months old, from the very first day his teacher commented that he was a little fish. He loves the water and never had any fears of going head down to the bottom of the pool - the very reason why he started the lessons in the first place. Yesterday at the start of the classes I was told he needs to move up to beginner level two... I am so excited for him.

The flies did it!

A self portret, E showing his creative skills with my cellphone camera

Look what I can do mom!

And the rather sad results of an over zealous little boy!

I love this age - my kid's personality has all of a sudden just blossomed and he talks incessantly. What surprises me is the ever changing thoughts, emotions and ideas that splurts out of his little mouth constantly. And he has opinions on everything.

Funny little things he has said recently:
It is not me, the flies did it!
He asked to phone his daddy and when phil did not answer the phone and I told him his daddy did not hear the phone ring he wanted me to 'Phone again but do it much harder this time!'
After he broke a glass at my parents house and I told him he better get his wallet to give gran some money to pay for it, he could 'only give her two monies otherwise I will not have enough to go to the tuckshop' I thought that was so funny, especially since there were about 20 coins in there!
As I dropped him of at school this morning he saw a mom just kissing her kids good bye but they walked themselves in to the classroom and he wanted me to do the same, but he had a bag for school and a big toolbox full of his skylectric cars to carry. So he grapped all of it, started walking only to promptly fall over....started to giggle and look at me shyly, but refused to ask help. It was so funny.

Diving right in

Standing in the icy cold crystal clear waters of Breyton Beach Knysna, my new years resolution came to me....don't be too scared of extreme sensations - just dive right into life.

It was refreshing

It still is

With a lot of the firsts behind me, I am feeling renewed and ready for 2008
December was one long journey into and through myself
a lot of time was spend in introspection
and more time even on doing nothing
It was needed and wonderful

Our first Christmas tree

Our first family day christmas celebrations with daddy's family
And our first family christmas day spend with mommy's family
The young man did not mind at all as he was spoiled with so many presents he thinks it should be christmas again tomorrow.

So things that are on the cards for me for this year is:
Getting out of my comfy corner and to get going with my business
Getting my foot in the door with the property market
Not to be scared to love and be loved, even if it does not last for forever
To always remember that my kid is the child of two loving parents and that we must make decisions that will keep him secure in that

Just for Fun: A personality Test

The Idealist

You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.
But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.
You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.

At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual

When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak

Crawling my way out

So yesterday was another first
Wedding (non)anniversary
I was so depressed
I missed him so much
Why do I still want us to be together?

I know it will never work
I will be isolated
emotionally dead
but still

Today I rode two horses
tonight I am going for a dinner date
tomorrow I will celebrate summer

I can only go forward

I think I am stuck at Chapter 2

There's a hole in my sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I'm lost...I'm helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I pretend I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I'm in the same place
But it isn't my fault
It still takes a long time to get out

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it there
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault
I get out immediately

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it

Chapter 5

I walk down another street

A little rest and romance

Malaysia was beautiful, restful and......sad. I missed my family, all of it, so much. I kept on thinking how much fun the three of us would have had if we were all together. But it was not to be.

Instead I slept a lot, started each day with Yoga on the beach, then fruits for breakfast. Lying around at the pool, walking on the beach, drinking cocktails on the loungers, going for Balinese massages and yes......hooking up with a beautiful man from Tunisia. We had a bit of a language barrier as his is French but I did find out that sometimes words are over rated.

All in all a very fine holiday indeed

A conversation in my car

So on our way to school this morning E piped up from the back

Mom, look, I am strong and I am going to break these strap me ins (the shoulder straps for his carseat) open like dis - and the hands enthusiastically illustrates the much desired feat. I revert with, so are you superman then?

NOOOOOOO MOMMA, he screams at me, I am NOT superman, I am ELRICH...the superheros are not here, it is me. The superheros are only in the stories on the tv, they are not people.

To which I listen in absolute amazement......no fantasy, just the hard reality of superman that are not here and not real. I am sure it must be a conversation they often have in school.

Which reminds me of a little tale his one teacher told me the other day. She has purposefully been mispronouncing his name in school, apparently he gets really upset with anybody that mispronounces his name (tell me about it) and he became the butt of jokes as the marjority of the children are English first language and they cannot pronounce the Elrich properly. He also refused to join the children if they called all the boys to do stuff as he is not a boy, he is Elrich and will only respond to his name. Really stubborn little thing, apparently it is starting to get a little bit better now and he does not react to all the teasing as much either.

Circles circling in and out

I booked today to go to Sodwana for the weekend to dive

It left me so very teary and sad.
Aniversaries I believe will be difficult

Two years since he left
One year since we went diving together for the first time again
Now

I am going on a dinner date tonight
maybe it will cheer me up somewhat

In denial

I think Phil is in denial about this whole divorce thing

I went to his house to drop E off for the weekend and it was raining and E was sleeping so it was a bit of a mad dash to get him out of the car and his bags and the gate (electric fencing and locks and all the trappings of SA life) So when he was eventually in his dad's arms and they had all his toys and bags I ran after them to give E a little good bye kiss, and Phil turned his face for a kiss as well. I just looked at him and could see he was embaressed, you know, that feeling when you do something out of habit that you did not think about?

It was ok then, but on the way home I could not see the road for all the tears...

A kid with two homes

The main reason why I went through the trauma of marriage counseling and trying to reconcile my marriage last year was because I did not want Elrich to grow up as the child of divorced parents. I now realise I did it more for myself than for him.

He is a very happy little boy, that clearly understands that he lives in 'our house' and goes to visit his daddy at 'his house'. He now gets to see his dad a lot more than he did previously, and Phil is taking an interest in his son and making a real effort to spend quality time with him. In the beginning E would not talk about his dad at all, but now we have long conversations about everything they do and how much fun they had together and I really encourage him to talk about daddy and how much they love each other. He often brags about 'my daddy did this or the other' and I can see that he enjoys the time spend at his dad's place.

This weekend past a long standing friend of ours had a birthday party for his little two year daughter and we were both invited. So we went and it was ok, we were there as friends and supported each other as parents when E needed it. We could even chat a bit and there were no obvious tension or anxiety. I must be honest though, it really tired me out and I was emotionally exhausted by the time I left for home.

Over the previous six/seven months I have worked really hard to face and deal with my emotions, my hurt, anger, disappointment and to let go of the past. To build new dreams of a future for my little family and I think that I have made some progress in creating an environment were E will not grow up as ‘the child of a broken home' but rather as ‘the child of two loving parents'.

Elrich'isms

Little things my boy has said lately:

As I tucked him into bed last night
'Mommy, I just looove you too much'

I did not want to give him sweets for breakfast
'I am NOT your best friend anymore!'

Just before we left for school
'Mommy, look at my muscles, I am sooo strwong' as he pranced and posed around the cottage for me to admire

In the bath last night
'Come see mom, I am blowing bubbles' In I walk to notice with shock and horror that I did not learn my lesson and he has (again) emptied my Clarins face wash in the bath...yikes another R200 down the drain.

He loves his new bakkie (pick up truck) and wants to drive it everywhere, so much so that we had a serious tantrum this morning on the way to school as he just could not understand why he could not 'drive with me in the traffic' So after he eventually stopped screaming, this little voice pipes up from the back 'Mom, please I need to wash my face and blow my nose' Fortunately I had some tissues handy for him.

He just has this way of going between a big boy and a spoiled kid in seconds!!

From Prejudice to Admiration

So I had Fun with a BIG F last night - the women I met there were warm real people with big bodies, little bodies, toned ones and fat ones, but they were all smiling, clinching those buns and pushing up with those hips. It was an hour floor work out that killed me and I left with legs that could hardly walk.

I loved it - I felt that cameraderie between women I remember feeling when E was a newborn and i was in a baby massage class with a bunch of other newborn moms

It was not about seduction at all, but I can imagine that the confidence those women have in their beautiful, perfect bodies, rubs off everywhere.

I will practice to 'touch the corners of a square with my hips' until I can do it with that beautiful fluent movement that rolled through the class last night.

Into the Lion's Den

I have always been a tom boy, from little it was shorts, T-shirts and dirty skinny legs running around like a mad thing with a bunch of little boys. I could climb higher, ride faster and hit harder than most of the ‘other’ little boys. So much so that a life long friend – and we are still best buddies, once looked at me when I was about 13 and exclaimed in utter befuddlement ‘But you are a girl!!’ After I have known him for 12 years and had pony tails for about six of those ;-)

So I have to admit, I have always felt a little bit out of place in the presence of a bundle of girls, talking about girlie stuff. I don’t have anything pink – well I lie, there is a tiny little pink bow on a pair of black lace knickers in my cupboard. I have sensible short nails without any varnish, drive a pick up truck and cannot for the life of me walk on high heels. I have never curled my pinky, can’t flutter my eyelashes (not for want of trying) and in general will not pull it of as a pussycat doll, Barbie, or playboy bunny………

So, tonight I am joining a sensual dancing class, with a bunch of girlie girls, learning all about that secret art of being absolutely feminine, at home in your delectably tantalizing female body. It is for women only and the end goal is to help us poor sods that swagger in stead of strut to learn the finer arts of you know…….seduction?

Deep Fried Fly

I decided to treat myself to a herbal tea and candle light bath, with bubbles and all kinds of smellies to sooth the skin and soul. See it has been a bit rough around here with work pressure, the divorce and Phil being the absolutely sweetest person this side of the equator.

A big bottle green fly is buzzzing about, buzzing about
I close my eyes and try to ignore the sound
Then the sizzle
I watch the macabre dance
a charslton I think
In clear hot wax
Then the silence

I can relax again

Sighting out a Site

I had to be up at shortly after four am....the cockerel at my new place made sure I did not miss the alarm clock and I was all dressed and ready to roll by 5:30. Had to meet the project manager at their head offices in Centurion at 6:00 sharp to make sure we make our meeting with the very very important director of Local Economic Development at 10:00.

Yes it is a loooong drive and we stopped three times, for coffee, a pee and the special biltong stop shortly before our destination. At the meeting we were informed that the other two very important people we had to meet could not make it - this is the reason why we drove all the way. To meet the relevant ward councilor and the contact person for the local chamber of small business. The one had to take their car in for a service and the other is simply not available - I am gently stroking my leg to calm myself down with my colleague wanting to burst into hysterical laughter. I am reminding myself that this is Africa and everything works on a different time scale, even if I did phone the previous day to confirm that the meeting was still on schedule. So we left to sight some core boreholes instead and decided that we would just continue to try and get hold of the ward councilor all day long as I really need to see the projects to decide where to from here.

Our patience paid of and shortly before three that afternoon we eventually got hold of her, she directed us to the traditional authorities (now why the municipality could not do that is a mystery) and we were enthusiastically escorted to a poultry and piggery project

Where we traipsed ankle deep through mud and pigshit to listen in amazement to the interpreter telling us that the products are actually sold wholesale to commercial operations, something like 190 chickens and 8 pigs in the previous month. We decided that our feasibility studies should include some research into the viability of opening a local branch of Health and Fitness

Settled in

Yesterday I got to test the bakkie, she did wonders and we moved my cottage in less than three hours. Help was had in the form of a huge 1.5 ton double axle trailer, Stephan, Johan and his little girlfriend. Beautiful to see young blossoming love like that........and the eye-candy was good as well, so was the company ;-)

My new place is gorgeous, two comfortably sized bedrooms, open plan living area and a huge serviced garden. Yeah for serviced gardens!!!

E has not seen his new home yet as he has been with Phil all weekend, spending time at friends of ours....mmmm a bit of an odd feeling to not be there as well, but best I get used to it.

I am pleased, I have lots of ideas for this little home, ways to make it mine. I never felt that at the previous place. Not sure if it is the different set-up or maybe I have just moved on a little bit emotionally? Suppose the big commitment was made in buying the car, I might just as well go all the way and settledown into my own little place as well......

New Wheels!

So after my little car has faithfully slaved away for me for 225 000 odd km over 9 years, she got send on to a new home today. The guy promised he will find her a nice family where she can snugly sleep in the garage every night.

My new wheels is an enormous double cab diesel bakkie - it juggernauts through traffic and even the minibus taxis make way for us. I feel very much in control, even though I probably look like a tick on a dog ;) After many agonising hours of deliberation and consultation this was the car I identified as the best obtion for me both financially and for my lifestyle. Even though it is a serious work horse, it has all the trimmings - a white and silver exterior with black leather upholstery, mp3/cd player, navigation system, adjustable seats and steering wheel, aircon - the list is endless and all explained in a rather thick manual.

The funniest thing of all is the sparewheel though, it is like a military operation to launch that thing from under her underbelly, with all kinds of lock and pulley systems. The salesman was a real sport though as we both spend the better half of an hour lying under her belly with him explaining to me what goes where to get this tyre out, fascinating stuff.

What I will have to get used to though is the fact that this bakkie is a he to begin with and definately not as sparky as my little girl - more like a real german warmblood.

Sweating it OUT

I have been getting more and more edgy lately. Edgy and tired, cotton wool headed. I have walked, and have talked, pondered, cleaned, cried, slept and nothing helped. My insides were itching

So I found a little gym, just around the corner from where I stay. I thought the place was bankrupt, but alas the liquidators are running it on a month to month basis. Perfect - I can cope with a one month, no strings attached commitment. So I bought a pass.

It worked, I sweated it out on the elliptical walker and then in the steam room. The poison was pouring down my body, leaving me clean, refreshed and clear headed. The first time in weeks

I think I will go and do the circuit tomorrow!

A Phone Call

and it is MSV that murmurs in my ear.....oh my word, I cannot believe what this guy's voice does to me. Even though I have met him and he does not look like his voice at all.

I think I do not need to see him really, ever, he must just phone me every now and again and whisper in my ear. It is an instant hormone flush!!

He wants me to come and visit him. Claims that his couch is really missing me not sleeping on it all weekend ;). It was fun, I might just do that. He really knows how to treat a woman like a princess.

Who? ME.....

Tomorrow I will be 35 years old
Sometimes I still feel like a little girl

This week has seen me
broken down
into
tiny
little
pieces

A hungry embrace
the man I once loved
A signature on a page
Tears for my freedom

I so want to make me a home
memories for my stories
laughter for my son

my numbers say that
I will search and search
a soulmate to be found
One have died
the other lost
it is to be left
well alone

Back to Basics

I have been bothered by the dating site and what felt to me my inability to manage the interactions there with integrity. I think it is in the very nature of the medium, people expect that you can communicate via the net for a couple of emails, share some photos - meet for coffee/drinks/lunch and then you either madly in love or you do not speak again.

I enjoyed the conversations with different people and had a lot of laughs at odd hours of the day and night as I did not take it seriously and just enjoyed the feeling of having company at your 'finger tips' But meeting the people and reading the desperate desire for acceptance in their eyes, every single time, freaked me out. These people are emotionally just too needy, and I am in no place to help them or share some of myself with them. It upset me so much that I deleted my profile from the site. I really feel at peace. I think I draw other people's emotions into myself too much. I did however share my email address with a couple of people i have talked to often and who's company I have really enjoyed. Hopefully we could become friends over time and have some fun together. I am meeting one guy next week, he seems to be looking for similar things as I am and he is a big outdoor fan. We are having dinner at my favourite little joint and then he leaves to walk the whale trail down in the Eastern Cape for a week.

So let's see what the future hold

With E, I am not sure how much he was affected by the Joey scenario. We have often spoken about saying no and telling mommy, but he did not come and tell me about this. I have been really carefull to not make him feel like he did anything wrong as well as getting the right message home. In the mean time he is spending weekends at his dad and will remain to do so until we have moved to a new place. During the week I will just make sure that we get home from school too late to play outside. I have told him though that he cannot play with Joey anymore as Joey does not play nicely.

All Of Our Children

I have had to learn the hardest lesson of them all this past week

As mentioned, often, we live on a lovely small holding with lots of space and friend called Joey. A couple of weeks ago I found the two little boys investigating each others penises, did not think too much about it as I would imagine it is part of growing up and they are similar in age, yes??

A week ago, just before we left for a weeks holiday, E comes running into the house, soaking wet and hysterical. When I asked him what happened he told me that Joey peed on him, so I investigated, spoke to the mom, the kid the psychologist and this is not normal. So we went on our little break.

The first day we get back, E runs to play with long lost Joey, and I watch them. Not long before they leave the scooters and disappear behind the house. So I checked up, only to find Joey kneeling in front of E with E's penis cupped in his hand. At this stage I can only let out a sigh

The end of the story is that we (the landlady and I) have organised for Joey to get councelling with his parents as he is just too young to come up with these things all by himself.

For me, the anger, sadness and dissappointment will linger for long, my baby has been violated by friend not much older than him (too young even to be molestation by definition). We have to move, E cannot play with Joey again, ever.

innocense on an alter
a child saved
I hope
A mother's tears
a reaching hand
we have to share
not condemn

Liquirice Allsorts

Who would have known how interesting and engaging a dating site could be? I have of late met a shy cabinet minister, an outgoing guy who travelled with Kingsley Holgate, a well to do pilot and entrepeneur, and a bullshitter baffles brains smooth talker.

It is amazing - the sociologist in me is totally entrigued. If I can only figure out how to interact with integrity with everyone. Thing is, I would love to meet all of them and talk to them, get to know them and understand what makes them tick. But I really do not want relationships and I am not gonna repeat the hot romance thing either. It is just emotionally too much for me at this stage ;-)

I am just looking at the bed

Today we had a huge altercation in the house. E was screaming and whining for milk and juice and attention so I told him that if he does not stop his screaming and start asking nicely he will go to his room for time out. His response was to look me straight in the eye and spit. Well, needless to say he was send to his room, where he refused to sit on his chair, continued to scream at me and when I left him in the room and closed the door he started banging on it, then opened the door to bang it behind him. I repeatedly took him back, telling him that if he wants me to listen to him he will have to sit on his chair first and apologise for his bad attitude, after the second time, I send his friend home.

This went on for what felt like forever, until I drew the curtains, switched the lights off, locked the door and left him in there until he stopped screaming and started calling for me. At which stage I was talking to him standing on a chair looking through the little window thing at the top of the door (Through which I would have to crawl to unlock the door as it is locked from the inside ;-))

A truce was reached an hour and a half later, when he agreed to sit on his chair and apologise for his bad attitude. So I crawled through the hole, precariously balancing on the door handle to wriggle my body through this tiny space, hang down the other side, feet in the air, unlock and open the door without landing on my head ;-). E went to sit on his chair, but turns his body away from me, when I asked him what he is doing, he flutters his eyelids and tells me 'I am just looking at my bed, first and then I will say sorry'

So I had a loud coughing fit of laughter with a very concerned little boy patting me on my back and telling me that 'that is enough coughing now, mommy, look at me' to which I doubled up in another serious fit. When I regained my composure I asked him if he wanted to say something to me. He gave me his most beguiling smile, flashed his eyelids, crawled onto my lap and curled up against me and whispered ' I am sorry mommy I screamed at you, and I am sorry I spit at you, I will not do it again...now please can I have my milk and go soek Joey?'

My head is broken

We live on a small holding with lots of space, trees, outdoor playsets and best of all a friend called Joey. Needless to say, I do not see much of my little man over the weekends as all he wants to do is 'soek Joey, mommy'

As I was trying to catch up on my inbox the other day, I heard E crying in a way that I could tell he was really sore. When I got to him and asked what was wrong he told me that his 'head was broken' and on closer inspection, I noticed a nice golf ball sized ouwie just above his eyebrow. Apparantly they were trying to wheelie their scooters in the driveway and E overbalanced.....Maybe I should really invest in serious protective gear for this kid!

Posting for Posterity

for better or worse, some things has to be said

In one of the painfull discussions Phil and I had after the affair three years ago, he told me that the affair was all my fault, because he said, I do not like sex. Now, that was the first I every heard of that, and I have for a long time tried to understand that, and make up for it in some way as I kinda thought I did like sex one, and two, that I was not too bad in bed. See I have very few inhibitions and am not shy about my body at all. But when all was said and done I was left feeling like an unattractive, unsexy woman that had absolutely nothing going in that department.

So fast foward to the dating site, the mocambique dinner (where the date thought I was steaming hot and he confused me no end) , and life after that. I meet this really nice guy, also through the site and I think to myself that I have to approach this differently, as I would just hate to have to make another phonecall and apologise again.......lol, that is a story for another day as I simply am too embaressed to talk about it.

So I told him from the first word we exhange that I really am looking for a friend, somebody to hang out with, have fun with, no strings or commitments and I am going to do the same with other nice boys as well. And I would like for him to have the same approach. Well for some reason, blow me over I am not sure why, this is guy is absolutely smitten with me. Now this makes things really difficult as I feel responsible and I would hate to disappoint and the list is endless. Anyway I agree for us to go out to dinner and dancing, as this was the whole point of meeting. It is all fun and he is a gentleman of note and I love every second. A couple of dates later, this week past I am still recovering from my BLUE MONDAY and he wants to see me, so I say, why dont you bring wine and we cook some dinner and just relax at my place - e is sleeping with dad, so an evening of easy conversation with a mature guy would be fun and I did not feel like dressing up in anycase. I did not have to see any clients all day so was in jeans and sneakers with my hair in a pony tail, thinking that could not possibly be attractive to anybody.

Well we cooked dinner together, had some good wine, ate, chatted and I got up to make some coffee and call it a night. He comes with me, kisses my neck talks to me, I cry, back off tell him that I am not sure about this, he gathers me up in his arms and talks to me about trauma, dissapointment, heart ache and whatever else. As I said, the poor man is smitten, the end of the story is a very hot long night of passion...it was amazing. It confirmed what I suspected all along, that I am not an ice queen, that I do actually enjoy intimacy, that my body can be celebrated if it is done so with respect and honesty.

Only problem is, I really am not ready for a relationship and this poor man would marry me tomorrow........

A ball of sobs

Today was a really bad day. I had to go to a 12:00 a clock meeting and at 11:00 I was still in a foetal position in my bath, balling my eyes out. I think I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I figured these are the reasons:
It is just about three months after the final break-up, it always takes me three months to break down after any disaster
Ne Dean died yesterday, five years ago, my most difficult day in the year
And the bulk of the stress of all my work is over, I dont absolutely have to consentrate on work every waking minute

So, really, it is a good sign

I have stocked up on the beer and prawns

Is the message I got today, when are you coming to visit me again? Lol, and i thought he totally gave up on me. See I had to phone last week to apologise for bad behaviour, only to be rewarded with a brushing down that I am not ready for a relationship. With one eyebrow raised I could not help but wonder, who ever spoke about a relationship. I thought we were friends.....silly me.

So I just left it at that, thinking you idiot. Of course I am not ready for a relationship - I cannot even commit to the purchase of furniture. Forget about something resembling anything vaguely more intense than a casual friendship.

And I would really like one of those, I must add.

Not sure if it is the message, the fact that I am still OK, even if I am 'The crazy freaking girl' or whether it was the absolutely magnificant performance of the Lion King, but I feel so at peace tonight.

No mom, my name is Elrich!

Elrich's biggest thing at the moment is to be 'a big strwong boy' that has 'dragon powers' and fights his friends on the trampoline...I know, the fighting really is just wrestling with his five year old buddy that stays on the same property. The two circle one another on the edge of the trampoline, then move in for the kill! whoever gets the other one on the ground first is the proclaimed winner. And there are rules to this, ones they made themselves. No hitting, throwing or bouncing and a couple I cant quite get.

There are lots of firsts in our lives at the moment. Today we are going to see 'The Lion King' theatre production. Bought tickets ages ago and today was the first open slot they had. I am excited and just hopes that e will manage to sit through it and enjoy it. He has been to the movies a couple of times, but never the theatre. Next week is his first school outing, they are going by public transport and he is sooo excited about riding in the bus. Nevermind his mothers heart beating in her throat to have her little precious going to the zoo with public transport. And in the first week of September he has his first sports day at school, he is in team Impala and have to dress in the team colours of red and white. Where did the time go?

All About A Boy

This is one of my most favourite recent pictures of E. For me, it just captures what boys are all about


Young man E stealing all the hearts at my friend's wedding in April. I can only now start to look at the couple of pictures I took during that holiday

That Time of the Year Again

It was parent teacher conference time at E's school. I was curious to find out how my little boy has adapted to the new school and whether he is showing any signs of stress from the recent changes at home. I have spoken to the teachers often, just quickly before class and they always assured me that he is doing fine, so I was not really worried.

The set up in E's classroom is a head directress, two assitent directresses and a helper. I got talked to and interviewed by all three the teachers. I felt like it was a panel interview for an important job, and maybe it was?

It was very reassuring talking to them, hearing that my kid is a well adjusted, friendly little boy. Everybody likes him very much. They made very similar comments to the first school he was at. Unbelievable concentration span, good development of spatial/visual discrimination. And they picked up on his fetish to count things, everything, all the time. He does this at home as well. He loves working in the science section and always plays with the magnets. At home we have a couple of magnet sets as well and he is always building things with those. He has not established a dominant hand as yet and can draw, cut, colour and build with both hands equally. Apparently he is starting to relate stories to them, which I am very happy about as his language development has always concerned me a little bit. He is not the youngest in the class anymore and loves helping other children to pack up their work and tidy the class.

They were very surprised when I told them that he has quite the temper, not sure they believed me! I got the name of an experienced family psychologist and play therapist. I am going to see her at the end of the month, just to talk about him and find out what are the little things I must watch out for in terms of his development and potential stress from the divorce.

The Dinner

It was a short flight and I landed in tropical weather at about 11:00. I made my grand entrance onto foreign soil by falling down the stairs at the airport door. As I tried to gather my belongings and my dignity, a very nice portugese speaking black man approached and relieved me of most of my luggage. Looking up, I saw this rather imposing figure behind him, smiling, just before he drew this rather disheveled african girl dressed in camo pants into a typical meditareanean embrace.

We spend most of the afternoon at his restaurant, drinking local beer, eating seafood and chatting away. It does not feel like I have just met him, and we tease each other incessantly. Much later, as it started to get cold and dark, we went back to his apartment (where I stayed), sat on the balcony, smoked cigars and had some good scotch. He got a bit amoreous but I backed out and shortly after fell asleep on the couch.....duh, to be woken hours later with a 'babes, would you care to join me for dinner?'. After all, this was the whole idea, yes? Working 15 hour days for more than a week non stop made for a bit of a tired guest.

I went to bed shortly after dinner. I know...terrible. He was such a good host though, sensitive for what I needed and mature enough to give me space a whole lot of emotional support. Sunday we went for a very energetic walk around town, a good three hours or so. Back home, we relaxed with classical music, had lunch, slept some more on the couch, watched tv and were comfortable together like we have know each other for years. It was quite freaky.

So now I am back home and I have gained a friend. I am not sure what he thinks of his date, but I am well rested!

Dream with me, tonight

I have just assumed that MSV (Maple syrup voice) is a terrible womanizer. Not caring too much about it as I do not have any expectations about this, I was caught for a six yesterday morning. He sends me a message on Tuesday night murmuring that I must 'dream with him this night' and I chose to ignore it. Simply because it got my heart rate up to about 140 miles an hour and I did not want to react like a love struck teenager. Early the next morning another follows in the first's footsteps, which are also ignored. Partly because I have a big presentation with scary government officials and partly because my heart rate has not slowed down from the previous message.

It was not long before I got the call. Water over pebbles, thick Mediterranean accent wanting to know if 'my girrrrl is ookey, why you do not return any messagches?' I throw the lame excuse that I am terrified of the presentation and was not quite focused on his attentions (yeah right, I am hiding from you, can't you see). He reassuringly murmurs that I must just come to him and he will sort anyone out that just looks potentially threatening.

I am left breathless...again.

Dinner invitation

I have accepted a dinner invitation with maple syrup voice.....to do that, I have to fly to another country. My flight leaves on Saturday morning, early. Dinner will be home cooked, at his beach house. He refers to his driver, his security and his housekeeper like everybody has those.........I am totally intrigued. We even had a loud disagreement the other night (my first with the opposite sex ever!).

I have a feeling we are both a bit loud, determined and over the top, not sure. Last night he wanted to know if I want to sleep in the/his? hotel, or his apartment. In my own room of course...lol.

I am drawn like a moth to an open flame.

Emerging woman

So with my usual panache to find the most practical solution to a difficult emotional problem, I decided to sign up on a dating website. Yes, a dating website. I even posted this picture. I kid you not, it has been a week and I am at the TOP of the favourite charts. I cannot believe it, who would have known?? Really nice men too, that are talking to me. I am fully aware that this is not real and all the nice things they are saying are probably mass produced and send to five different women. But it does not matter at all. It has given me something that I have lost. I feel far more socially acceptable and desirable than what I have felt for years. I never realized, but these things are important for a soul’s wellbeing. The woman in me got so shriveled up and dried out that the mother and consultant totally took her over.

I must be honest, I am not really looking for a relationship but it is a whole lot of fun. And I did meet this really really really nice man. I think I like him too much, he is of Mediterranean descend and his voice sounds like maple syrup. Ahhh it has done me good.

It is snowing in Gauteng

Can you believe it! Not were we stay though, we are too high out here and it always is a couple of degrees warmer this side of town. This gorgeous photo is not my handy work - I downloaded it from the Mail & Guardian website


And just to remind myself of the much warmer weather we had a couple of days ago - more game reserve photos. Yes, I know I must stop day-dreaming and get on with real life
My giant baobab tree
Our car was surrounded by buffalo - you could here the little noices they were making as they were grazing

The weekend

The fence and gate at the bushcamp where we stayed was really non exsistant. It was fun taking the 80m dash in the middle of the night to the ablution facilities ;-)The overnight hut in which we stayed, it is not for general use by tourists.
My little man fast asleep in the back window of the Jeep - he was so well behaved throughout all the slow drives we took around the park
A giant baobab - I love love love trees - I took some mesmerizing close ups of this tree's trunk. Whilst lying on my back underneath with 'Oubaas' watching out for me! It was so much fun
This girl was amazing to watch - she got very close to car

The Kruger National Park

Share in the beauty

Still around

So the trip to the game reserve was really amazing. We saw all of the big five and so many lions and elephants it got boring......I took beautiful pictures (I think) but have not even had time to go to the mall to get them developed. I will make an attempt this weekend.

And I went to speak to a divorce lawyer last week. It was the most difficult thing I have ever had to do emotionally. To unpack this mess infront of a man I am sure have seen everything and worse. My intimate details. I managed to do it with a well placed joke here and there. I think he really appreciated that - the humour that is. Why do I always have to be strong and positive when I talk about myself to other people? I cannot even break down in councelling. That is only reserved for dark nights under the duvet, and mostly only in my dreams. Vivid loud dreams. Suppose that is a clear indication that my subconscious is very busy sorting through the mess.

It is hard, no jokes aside. I think I will be fine. I need to find me again and I need to believe in the woman in me. I have confidence in me the mother, me the consultant, me the person....but me the woman, is just a scared little girl.

There are still nice people in this world

As the saying goes, it never rains it pours.

My car was due to get new shocks and other minor repairs yesterday before we go on our long drive today. So on the way to the workshop I notice a new sound, well really an overwelming noice that reminded me of driving my grandfather's tractor. And the loss of power. So as my little car tututututut up the hill in peak traffic to E's school I was wondering if this new addition to her list of ailments are cause of concern.

An hour later at the workshop the mechanic comes to me with the kind of face that I would imagine a doctor to have when they deliver the terminal illness diagnosis to close family members. Since the workshop refers to me as 'the girl that do not have any money' (I have no idea how that impression was created, maybe something to do with my broken knee jeans and 10 year old little skedonk with the child seat in the rear) they always feel sorry for me when I bring my little car in and I always take advantage of that. You get discount on labour and they shop around for better prices. So 'the face' was worrisome as this happen to be an expensive month already and I worked very few hours in May.

'Sorry Mam, but your head cylinder gasket has blown' sounds like greek to me so I asked for the explanation. In short it means a whole lot of money, and I will only get my car back the earliest on Thursday afternoon. This will never do as my meeting is on Thursday morning and I am going to the game reserve..dammit.

As I lament my miserable bad luck and the fact that I will not, will not, will not phone Phil to help me out a girlfriend phones and immediately picks up on my emotional state. I cry in her ear and she listens with the attention just a woman can give you, and ten minutes later phones back to say that I must stop crying, she will bring me her car and I better get my bag packed and my camera ready as she does not want to see me again before Sunday night!!

I cried again, just because I could

I have been really teary lately

I found out last week that Phil never changed his ways - that he has been having an affair with another girl for at least four months. Not only that, he has double dated her with the previous affair from two years ago.

This has opened the proverbial floodgate of tears in me. I have been crying on and off for days now. I have so much pressure at work at the moment and all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry my little heart out.

I am leaving to go to site tomorrow. Elrich will come with me and on Friday we are going camping with my cousin in the Kruger National Park. In a wilderness hut, far removed from the tourists and beaten track. I think I will take my camera and just become quiet for a day or two. Peace in the bushveld

A day in my life

Momma, ek het my broek nat te piepie….it is still pitch dark outside. The whimpering little voice is coming from right next to me. Right next to me! Oh no, that means my bed is soaking wet. My fingers move gingerly over to locate the body…feel around, yip, confirmed, everything soaked. Oi

I just pull the whole lot off his body, bundle the cold wet little legs against me and wish for time to stand still and us to doze of again. Not a chance. My nose gets pulled, ears rubbed, cheeks licked. The last one I cannot stand and with a sigh the covers are thrown back and a tired, stiff body expelled from the heat (been horse riding again lately).

An hour later and the kid is fed, clothed and cleaned up, we are on our way to school. I am still in my pajamas…who will notice? The plan is to bath and dress in time for my eleven o’clock meeting. I was so tired the previous night that I did not work on any of the stuff I was suppose to work on over the weekend – procrastination, my best friend.

The phone does not stop ringing, this is in itself a challenge as I have to run around with the ringing thing in my hand to try and locate a signal strong enough to answer it….a bit like a metal detector, the never ending search for connection. This scenario is repeated numerous times before eleven, once with the laptop in hand as well. Only problem was that the spot with the best signal also had the most sunlight and I could not read the numbers on the screen.

At last, I get away, late but not miserably so for the 11:00 o’clock. On my way there I land in one of SA most high tech environments. The scanning of number plates to see if you have any outstanding traffic fines or warrants for your arrest. I get pulled over. A very friendly officer asks for my driver’s license. With trepidation the little card gets handed over. She returns shortly with a long list of offenses, all for September 2005 and all on the same stretch of road where I was traveling 95 in an 80 zone. A R 1000.00 bucks later I am on my way home, the client was not even available and forgot to let me know he has to go out to the mining site. I promise to phone the next day to reschedule.

Back home/office I am doing washing, searching for signal, writing up reports and trying to decipher complicated mining business models. And in the back of my head I have this little refrain ..stupid fucking asshole, stupid fucking asshole……I just hope I do not answer my phone with the first words that comes into my head.

Tips for South African Mothers

I received this in my inbox today:

Safety Hints and Tips from the NHPA:

1 If at any time you have to open the gate yourself, switch off the vehicle, leave the key in the ignition and close the door. Then open the gate.
2 If you have small children in the vehicle, take the key with you (this is the only exception). You then need the key as a “negotiating tool”. The perpetrators want your vehicle and you want your children.
3 If your children are older, it is advised that they exit the vehicle with you when opening the gate so that you are all separated from the vehicle should a hijack occur.
4 Check rear-view mirror to ensure you are not being followed.
5 When exiting your vehicle, be cautious and aware of surrounding obstructions and shrubbery that may be concealing a hijacker.
6 Never sit in your parked vehicle without being conscious of your surroundings. Sleeping in a stationary vehicle is particularly dangerous.
7 When approaching your driveway, be on the lookout for suspicious vehicles / persons. This is very important as the majority of hijackers approach their victims in home driveways.
8 Inspect the outside and inside of the vehicle before unlocking. (Tyre, number plate, other side of the vehicle – as explained during the hijack prevention & survival course)
9 Know your destination and directions to it; and be alert should you get lost.
10 Always drive with your windows closed and doors locked.

Now why does this just not seem right to me?

A staircase into myself

I am standing at the top of a staircase, at the countdown I walk into myself. Getting younger and younger with every step. At the bottom I become ageless. Drifting and floating, just a consciousness.

The words are pictures.

Some tie my stomach in an anxious knot, others let me drift and flow. I am send twirling through dreamscapes, I relive unknown memories, I visit vividly strange spaces.

In this bodyless place my mind is huge. It is a light. It shines in all directions.

My age.....infinate

When will it happen?

I keep waiting for the penny to drop

That proverbial emotional breakdown.

All I feel is relief

It is tinged with sadness, but a sadness that a future I so strongly believed in was really my fantasy. It had no foundation in reality. I can see that now.

Just not good enough

It has started already.

I cannot do anything right. 'No momma, you do not say Elrich like this, it must be like thiiiss 'EL-ric'. No point in arguing that one, I have tried, just change the subject and ask him how school was today. Got told to please not talk to him as he does not feel like talking to me. 'Ok then' I said, just to hear 'Mommy, I said, dont talk to me! Ok?' This is a problem, see, cause what do I answer? Ok...then I am in trouble again. If I dont say anything, the whining from the back of the car will not stop...Oh well, nearly home I think.

A loud coughing fit in the back, so I peek in the rearview mirror, and ask him if he is ok. 'I am just having a bad hoes (cough) he says.' As is my habit, I repeat the whole sentence to him in afrikaans, with a question mark at the end. And get lectured for ten minutes because I did not pronounce 'hoes' with the correct emphasis, according to the linguist, EL-ric.

And I wonder, what will it be like when he is a wise-guy 10 year old?

Yellow Creamed Life

Why do we always want to skim our milk? I am starting to see that the celebration is in the cream. Thick yellow cream. Right were we are, right now. Everything is beautiful.

Yes, it was not the plan, but the future is endless. I am learning about me, so much. Just of late I have met me, a woman. For the longest time she was a little girl. Safe(not) in the love(?) of her teenage hero, who never existed. It was all a dream, a fantasy.....and of late, a horrible nightmare, of endless emotional circles, circles, circles.

I have swop the knot of anxiety on the pit of my stomach for a feeling of eager anticipation. I think LIFE is about to happen.

Yesterday was a really bad day

So I indulged myself and watched tear jerkers all day, crying and laughing. It was raw but it was honest. I slept deeply all night. First thing this morning I let varsity know I cannot possibly lecture today and then phoned my old riding coach.

It is just all about me, Yes?

Transient Woman

No history
Adrift on a sea of possibility
Me

Pappa Come Back

Were the words my little boy were crying out in his sleep last night. It broke my heart.

We are all settled into our new little home. It is very nice and friendly I must say. All kitted out with brand new kitchen utensils and cutlery. I love the countryside and the setting is perfect for us. E has the big garden I always wanted for him and three friends that entertained him all of yesterday. Horses to calm my nerves and the silence at night is amazing. Frogs and crickets instead of sirens, helicopters and dogs barking incessantly.

Our new home is spacious and comfortable and I am gonna make it slightly quirky as I make it mine. A new identity. One that reflects me and who I am as a woman, a mother and an entrepeneur. It is exciting.

What I learned today

I was not being a hero, I was a victim.

I went to see the same psychotherapist that Phil has been to a couple of times. It took a burden of my back. She is wonderful, and I love her. She brought so many things into perspective for me. And we were not talking about Phil or the marriage at all. She just led me to quietly discover things about myself. Like the fact that I felt subconsciously that Phil was my ticket into being a socially acceptable person. A left-over insecurity from an awkward teenage girlchild that just did not belong anywhere. No, it was not her words at all, she asked me why I thought I loved him and why did I stick with him. And I looked at her and said those words and they had the clear ring of truth - but I have never before consciously thought about it like that. For the longest time, I have been the social butterfly and friend keeper in the house, not Phil. So I thought I was totally over that.

She really thinks it is the best thing for me to move out - me leaving the house, leaving the mess behind and starting new. She suggested that the environment in which I have been for the last six or more years has been really emotionally abusive and unhealthy and that I need to take control back of me, my life, future and emotions. She is working with Phil as well, so she has some insights - did not discuss him at all, just knew what type of questions to ask. She did not suggest we get divorced at all, just that we need to give it a long long long time. I am truly at peace and excited to have my own little place.

Phil and I agreed tonight that he needs to pay the money back to me that I used to pay his debt. He needs to take responsibility for his own mistakes.

Finding my Future

Dory's little voice has been in my head all day

"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swim, swim, swim" as she and Marlin descends into the dark abyss

It was all a lie

So we are back from our holiday. I am moving into my own place on Saturday. All I have to say is that a girl should always trust her intuition

Not so Good

I am not doing so well at all. There, I have admitted it.

The Process of Making Progress

When I used the be a professional showjumper I had this mantra that it is 'not that their is no pain, it is not minding that it hurts' closely followed by 'you only learn to ride by falling off' Both those pieces of wisdom is true, to me, for everyday life as well. We only ever learn from our mistakes, and then sometimes the same mistake has to be made numerous times before we catch up to ourselves.

This Easter stands out to me as emotionally an extremely painful detail in the overal process of our healing. But we are closer together and he has agreed to go see a councellor. In actual fact he has had his first appointment already and will go again tomorrow.

A sanity break gone bad

For some reason E was screaming almost none stop all afternoon, I think he was hungry and tired. It was no mean feat when I eventually got him in the bath and for once there was silence. He was playing with an empty shampoo bottle, filling it with water, pushing it to blow bubbles.....and again. So I made my escape to the kitchen to clean the dishes and bring some order in the chaos known as my house. Leaving E to play quietly.....it turns out too quietly. When he calls me to come get him out of the bath, I notice that the lids on all my shampoo and conditioners, face wash (Clarins no less) are open. On closer inspection - also filled to the brim with water. We are talking about the dilution of a three month beauty routine budget here.

Between Hope and Memories

Is the short passage of time

An eating experience

I HATE cooking for myself, that is the one thing that gets me, is cooking and eating alone. Cooking should be done with a glass of good red in the one hand, intelligent conversation with a dear one and tasting ever so often.

The late nights phil has been keeping recently did not leave any room for this. So, I was contemplating take outs for dinner. But the thought of twice cooked meat and oily sides just did not seem attractive.

Then I discovered a can of Yom Tum Soup in the cupboard, from woolies - promising a fusion of sweet and sharp flavours. Just heat and add a hand full of prawn the recipe goes. With some trepidation I did just that. It was delicious.....a definate repeat.

Just for the girls

In about three weeks time my buddy will be getting married. At a very nice, upmarket venue down at the coast. With views to kill for, that is if they can move the crane that recently took up residence between the pool and the beach. Or, maybe they will just change the venue and get married on sand. I know all about that from personal experience.

But before then we are gonna have one rauceous girly party!

Gone mining

My one client just gave this wanna be consultant in her high heels, expensive hairdo and little dress one look and said that I needed to come visit their coal mine. 'So I can understand what the hell they are talking about.' Always the adrenaline junkie, I could not wait to agree and so the deed took place on a lovely summers day not too long ago.

I must say it was far more comfortable than I imagined, we got the grand tour in a this converted bakkie, driving around slouched in the back with an occassional warning from the driver to 'duck!'. It was fun, and much cooler than I anticipated. The silence of the underground world was serene, until they started the LVH (not sure what it stands for) but it is a low driverless vehicle with huge teeth at the front that are used to break to rock, suck it up and convey it on belts to a loader waiting behind it. This monster machine can move something like 27 tuns of coal in a very short period of time.

Safety standards at the mine is really high and I was surprised at how(relatively) clean it was underground. Even though I managed to get my face full of black coal spots - my nose conspired against me and itched all the time.
Even though sparks flew quite often (friction) they assured me that the very fine powder I could see on the ground throughout the mine prevents the spread of fires and contains explosions...mmm and if something had to go wrong, we must please just follow the shiftmanager to the closest safehouse. When asked on their safety history I fortunately learned that they have not had any serious accidents at the mine.I must admit, my visit to the mine was very enlightening and it has taken the deamon out of mining and mine workers for me.